a/n: Thank you so much everyone for the reviews and follows! I was so, so flattered and interested in what you all thought of the story so far. I'll try and update as much as I can, but my life's pretty hectic at the moment and I can barely find time to breathe, let alone write fanfic, with all the Christmas exams ahead of me. But I made this chapter extra long because of the lovely messages asking me to update as soon as possible. Please leave more, I love reading them! – Hannah.
Hanna. Saturday afternoon.
You stupid fucking coward.
Angry tears still fresh on her face, Hanna slowly built her jog into a run as she tried to get the image of Emily's face out of her head. She had no idea where she was going, but she needed to put as much distance between herself and Em as possible so she could actually think straight.
She was right. After spending the whole night denying it, pushing as hard as possible to get those feelings out of her fucking head, here she was again, her stomach filled with butterflies and her eyes full of tears. Why couldn't she just admit it to herself? Why couldn't she just say it out loud?
She knew it, deep down. She knew that she'd always had feelings for Emily. Everything she'd convinced herself of last night, every little thought of how it was 'just a girl crush', of how it would go away in a few days, were complete and utter bullshit. Emily was right, she was an absolutely terrible liar, despite the fact that she'd been practicing for years now.
Eventually, she found herself slowing down as she approached an old playground where she had once sat with Caleb, and he had opened up to her about his mother.
She loved Caleb. She really did. He was so perfect for her in so many ways. He was the safe, comforting option. And she wanted with all her heart for him to be the only option.
But she couldn't deny her feelings for Emily any longer, or she'd go insane. Caleb was amazing, but the thought of being with Emily was something else. Something that made Hanna feel like she was on the peak of a rollercoaster, and that she would never come down. Something that made her feel more alive than she ever had before.
You're thinking way too far into this, she thought to herself. Emily probably doesn't even feel the same. Oh my god, of course she doesn't, she thinks you're fucking straight.
She needed someone to talk to about this. Someone who would understand. Someone who she wouldn't have to worry about squealing to Caleb.
Scrolling through her contacts, she found that exact person, and pressed dial.
"Hey… Aria? Can I talk to you? It's… I need to see you."
And with words unspoken / A silent devotion / I know you know what I mean / And the end is unknown / But I think I'm ready / As long as you're with me / Being as in love with you as I am
Hanna. Saturday evening. Hanna's bedroom.
Pyjamas on, hot chocolate in hand, and completely wrapped in her duvet, Hanna was feeling relatively calmer than she had earlier. Thank god, because she'd felt like she was going to explode any second, and who knew what'd happen then – she was most definitely not looking for a "Sean Ackard's Car Incident" Part 2.
"So what's bugging you, Han? I can stay here all night if you need me to. Spill." Aria smiled warmly as she entered Hanna's room, and perched her petite self on the end of the bed with a warm smile.
Hanna gulped, took a deep breath, and on a reckless impulse, dove straight into the deep end. All she wanted was to get this off her mind.
"Aria… I think I'm… like… gay."
Aria blinked. Once. Twice. "…What?"
Hanna took her astonished silence as an opportunity to fill the silence with as much as she could. "Okay, so, I don't know. I mean, I adore Caleb, but ever since he's left for Ravenswood, I just… I've been so confused. I've been thinking about things I wouldn't normally. Thinking about people. And I just wondered if I've been feeling this the entire time or I'm just a greedy, rotten cheater who deserves nothing but this stupid fucking feeling-"
"Hanna! Shit! Calm down," Aria placed her hands on Hanna's arms as she attempted to interrupt the rushed confession. "Seriously. Fuck. Chill out for a second."
Hanna took another breath. Slow. In, out. "Sorry. I panicked."
"That's fine," Aria assured her. "And whoever you are, whoever you want to be with, is completely okay with me too. More than okay. I just want you to be happy, Han. That's all. I'm not going to pry because I know, from experience… people asking questions can only make things worse, in a lot of situations. But I'm here for you. That much I can assure you."
Hanna pulled the tiny brunette into a bone-crushing hug. "I love you, Aria."
"I love you too," she grinned. "And the best bit of advice I can give you… just go with whatever makes you happy. If you truly want to be with Caleb, then you'll get through this. If you want to be with this mystery girl, then that is just as amazing. Just as long as you're happy, I'm happy."
"Thank you so much, Aria… I seriously don't know what I'd do without you. I'm so sorry for calling you like that. Go get back to your date with Ezra. And have fun," she winked, and led her best friend out of her room.
Flopping back down on her bed with a thump, the blonde ran her hands through her hair, trying to make sense of the jumble of thoughts running through her head.
Crack.
She shot up instinctively at the noise. Years of being tormented by A had taught her to never let her guard down. Ever.
Crack. She heard a small pat as a pebble from her garden hit the window and then fell back down onto the patio. Terrified and genuinely puzzled, she gradually inched closer to her window until she was able to peer outside into the darkening evening.
"…Emily?!"
Hanna raised an eyebrow as she stared down at the tanned brunette standing beneath her window. Emily beamed up at her. "Surprise."
"Why the hell are you pulling a Romeo at my window at 6 o'clock on a Saturday evening?"
"I wanted to talk to you again. I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. I was just worried about you. Can I come up?"
Hanna quickly rushed downstairs, let her shivering friend inside, and went back upstairs and into her room, Emily close behind.
Sitting on the edge of her bed, she looked down at her feet once more, nerves taking control all over again. Since when was she this frazzled around Emily? Emily Fields, her best friend since she was 12 years old.
"Hanna?"
"Yeah?"
"I got a text from A today. After you left. This is risky as hell, but I wanted you to see it. I don't want any more lies between us, they just make things too complicated."
As Hanna's eyes scanned the screen, her stomach dropped and her heartrate skyrocketed. She handed the phone back and finally brought herself to look her best friend in the eyes.
"Is it true?" Emily inquired quietly.
"Is what true?" Hanna stalled, playing dumb. She needed more time to plan what she was going to say. How did A find out so quickly?
"You know what I mean," Emily said, raising her eyebrows and giving her classic I-don't-believe-a-word-of-your-bullshit-Marin look.
"Um. I don't know." Hanna muttered. Tears began to gather in the corners of her eyes. "I don't know if I can say it out loud. I'm so sorry. I'm shit. I'm a coward and a liar and a nervous wreck and you deserve so much more and I really don't know how A found out about…this, but I just… I just need someone. Someone to tell me everything'll be okay. I'm sorry."
Emily put her arms around the shaking blonde and rubbed her hands up and down her back. "Shhhh, Hanna, don't worry. It's fine. Everything's fine. I know exactly how you feel. And I'm here for you, okay? I promise."
Gathering her breathe between silent sobs, Hanna pulled back slightly, and looked Emily in the eyes. They were so beautiful. A perfect shade of warm, chocolate brown – filled with nothing but honesty and love. She adored everything about her.
And slowly, cautiously, gently, she leaned forwards, and lightly pressed her lips against Emily's. It was a delicate, careful kiss, but it said everything that Hanna couldn't find the words for. Pulling away, she looked once more into her beautiful best friend's eyes, gauging her reaction. She simply smiled back, taking Hanna's hand in her own.
"I really needed that," she said quietly.
"In all honesty… so did I," Emily admitted sheepishly.
Butterflies now having taken a permanent residence in her stomach, Hanna lay down, pulled her duvet tightly around her, and looked at Emily.
"Can you stay with me? Just like this? For a while?"
The brown-eyed girl nodded, crawling under the duvet, and resting her head softly on Hanna's chest.
The threat of sleep inching closer and closer to the pair, Hanna reached up, switched off the light, and slowly closed her eyes.
"I don't know where I'd be without you," Hanna mumbled.
"Ditto, gorgeous. Sweet dreams," she whispered, and with that, she fell asleep in her best friend's arms, a small smile etched upon her face.