DAY 2
"I don't feel the same way."
My heart stops. "Wha-tt, Cat? I thought-,"
"You thought wrong," she cuts me off. She looks away from me. "I'm sorry Beck."
"But Cat…I thought that earlier today that you wanted…that you wanted to…I thought that you were going to kiss me."
I see her chewing on her lip. "Yeah…I was, but then I realized it was a stupid idea."
It feels like someone's broken my ribs, every breath hurts. "No, Cat, it wasn't. I wanted you to kiss me."
She swings her legs over the railing and stands up. "I'm sorry Beck, you're an amazing guy, but I just don't feel that way about you." She opens her mouth, but quickly shuts it and turns to open the door.
I jump up and run over to her. I grab her arm and whip her around. I can't let her go; I'm too invested in her. "Cat, please, I know it's hard to believe and maybe you're scared, but I-I can't even describe what I'm feeling for you, but it's the strongest thing I've ever felt. I know it sounds crazy, but you need to believe me. I won't hurt you, please Cat." I'm begging her; I'm begging her to give me a chance, I can feel my heart breaking and I'm begging her to proof me wrong, that love doesn't always end in pain.
Her soft brown eyes fill with tears. "Oh Beck…,"
"Just give me a chance, please," I whisper. I realize she's wearing a baggy shirt with Ariel on it, and my heart clenches. God, I love her.
She looks at her feet for a few seconds, taking deep breaths. Finally she meets my eyes. "No Beck." She snatches her arms away from me.
"Please Cat, please..." I should feel pathetic for begging, but I'm so caught up in the moment. I'm drenched in pain as she rejects me, all my hopes and dreams crashing down around me. This can't be happening, I finally found someone who makes me to try, who makes me want to knock down my walls and let someone in. She makes me want to break every rule I've ever made. Don't get close to people, don't trust people, all my rules, I find myself wanting to break them so I can be with her.
She puts her hands on her face and takes a deep breath before lowering them again. "Beck, we can't be together. Do you know how horrible that would end? I've been bounced around from mental hospitals since I was ten. Six long years, I'm not normal, and I won't ever be."
"I don't care about your past Cat, I'll work through whatever trauma you're going through, I won't give up," I say, feeling my eyes fill with tears. I haven't cried since I was eleven, and I swore I wouldn't, but here she has me again breaking another rule of mine.
"It's not just me Beck, you have anger issues, and I hope you one day work through them, but we're no good for each other." She sounds so mature, not like her usual playful self. Her eyes are dark and hard and her skin pale, she doesn't even look like herself. The Ariel t-shirt and the red hair are the only indication of who she is.
"But I want you Cat," I whisper.
"I don't want to be with you Beck, I hope you can understand that," she says coldly. She turns and opens the door. I see her hesitate for second as if she wants to add something, but decides against it and closes the door behind her.
It feels like I've been kicked in the stomach and every single rib has been broken, making it hard to breathe. This wasn't how the conversation was supposed to go. I was prepared to have to work a little and convice her, after all, she's obviously been through a lot, but I wasn't prepared for her to turn me down flat.
I don't want to be with you Beck.
I have a feeling that those words will stay with me forever.
DAY 3
I didn't sleep much, and when I did, all I saw was a beautiful mermaid with red hair whispering "I don't want to be with you Beck" over and over again.
I went downstairs for breakfast with a heavy heart. I dreaded seeing Car after what had taken place last night. I debated sitting at a table by myself, but I knew that the others would question me on this and I didn't exactly want to let them in on what had happened. So I grabbed some scrambled eggs and took a seat beside Robbie. I let myself glance at Cat once to see her once again picking at her food. She had bags under her eyes and looked over all worn out.
Maybe we were no good for one another. I was stressing her out, for god's sake. Maybe Cat knew what was right, and I just had to learn to let her go.
Jade threw a strawberry that bounced off Robbie's nose, and instead of yelling at her, he smiled a little. Jade look surprised, but quickly rolled her eyes and went back to eating her bacon.
"So does anyone have visitors coming in?" Jade asks.
"No, my mom came last month," Robbie replies. "Apparently that's all she can handle."
"It's cause she hates you," Rex says. Robbie frowns at the puppet but says nothing.
"How about you pretty boy? Anyone coming in?" she asks.
"No," I say sharply. I see Cat look up from her food at me, and her eyes have a sadness about them, but she quickly brings her eyes back down to her food.
"Is your aunt coming in Cat?" Jade asks.
Cat shakes her head gently and whispers, "No, she has other plans."
"Well my father can only handle me once every few months, and he already paid his dues two weeks ago," she says, leaning back in her chair. "So no visitors for us, just Tori's annoying sister, she usually comes in around two."
"Yeah too bad Tori got sent to the back ward, that means Trina can only visit her for an hour at most," Robbie says. "I think it's nice that Trina tries to come at least two times a month to visit Tori."
Jade tolls her eyes. "Yeah whatever, she's still annoying." She turns to me. "And you get to meet her, yay!"
I shrug, how bad could Trina be?
The answer: very. When she walked in, I thought, hm, she's pretty cute. Then she opened her mouth.
"Cat!" she screeched, pulling Cat into a tight hug. Cat smiled slightly and hugged her back. Trina didn't try to hug Jade, just sort of nodded at her.
"Hi Trina!" Robbie said brightly.
"Yeah whatever," she said, pushing Robbie aside to get closer to me. "Who are you handsome?"
"Beck," I say with a wave. I see Cat and Jade over Trina's shoulder. Jade looks annoyed, Cat's eyes meet mine and she quickly looks away.
"Are you another visitor? Maybe we could hang out later?" she practically purrs.
"I'm a patient here," I say.
Her eyes widen. "Oh, oh. Well uh…never mind then." She mouths wow before turning back to Cat and Jade.
"So where's Tori?" she asks.
Cat looks at her feet, so Jade decides to step up the plate and tell Trina the news. "She got caught puking up her food and they sent her to the back ward."
I see Trina's mouth drop a little and her eyes well up. For a moment, she isn't annoying; she's just a concerned older sister. I can't imagine this being easy for her.
She sits down on one of the chairs in the front entrance. "I thought she was making progress, but she's just getting worse.
"Now that they know, they can help," Cat whispers, and I can see the pain in her eyes. She hates herself for not telling the hospital about Tori sooner, she's worried that Tori may be even more screwed up now and that Cat could have saved her. Truthfully, no one can save Tori but herself.
"I had to move to New York so I could be closer to her," Trina says quietly. "My mom and dad couldn't, so I had to. She's my little sister; I don't want her to die."
Suddenly Trina doesn't seem so annoying, and I can see Jade's hard look softening, she doesn't think so either.
Trina stands and wipes the tears from her face. "I'm going to go visit her now, bye guys." She walks quickly out of the room, knowing exactly where to go, from her many visits.
Once she's out of the room, I turn to the others. "How long has Tori been here for?"
"She's been here for two months, but she was at another hospital for three months," Jade explains. "But it was too close to home and her friends kept coming in to visit, and it wasn't helping. She would worry about her appearance when they came, so they decided to send her somewhere far away."
"How many times has Trina been here to visit?"
"The first month, she came every weekend on Saturday and Sunday," Robbie says. "This is her second time coming this month."
"It's nice for Tori," Cat says quietly. I look at her and see pain in her eyes, and I see Jade's jaw clenching, and Robbie looking at his feet. No one's been to visit them in such a long time, and you can see it. They feel forgotten, and maybe in a sense, they are. It would be hard to make time to visit; people have jobs, other kids, other responsibilities. And sometimes, the kids in these kinds of places don't have anyone to come visit them. It's no wonder they usually end up back here after they're released when they turn eighteen. They have no support, just pills and therapy.
Later that day, it's time for my one on one therapy session. I had been dreading this since my arrival, but I knew that it was necessary. I told myself this over and over again as I walked down the hall to my therapist's office. I knocked on the door they had told me to go to. A voice called "come in!" from inside.
I opened the door slowly to a cozy looking room with maroon coloured carpeting, big black chairs, and a dark wood desk, with a forty something looking woman with dark hair and a kind smile.
"Welcome Beck," she said. She gestured to the two big black chairs. "Please, take a seat." I sit and say nothing, not quite sure where to take this conversation.
She puts her hands together. "So Beck, how have things been since your arrival?"
I shrug. "It's been okay."
"It must be such a big adjustment, have you made any friends?"
Cat flashes through my mind. Are me and Cat even friends anymore? "Yeah."
She smiles. "I saw you and Cat together, you two seem to have grown very close over the past few days."
I feel my heart clench, we had been growing close. Everything just went so horribly wrong. "I guess."
"Beck, I understand that therapy can be very difficult, I just want you to know that this safe place," she says. I just nod my head at her, unsure of what to say.
"So Beck, why did beat the shit out of that kid?" she asks leaning back in her chair.
I'm slightly surprised, hearing her phrase it so unprofessionally. I don't even know how to respond.
"Was he being a dumbass, c'mon Beck, tell me," she says raising her eyebrows. "I've had to deal with so many tools, trust me; I've wanted to pound them. What did the jackass do?"
"He was pissed because I slept with his girlfriend," I reply.
"Oh so he started the fight?"
"Yeah, he pushed me, and then I punched him in the face," I tell her, seeing it flash through my mind. The guy who beat that kid up seems like a different person. It's because of Cat, I think. Ever since I saw her, I wanted to be better. But lovely Cat doesn't want me; I shouldn't have been so stupid. Why would she want me?
"But you're the one who finished it," she says, it's not a question, but a statement.
I nod my head.
"Did it feel good giving that prick what he deserved?" she asks resting her chin on the back of her hands.
"It wasn't that it felt good, it was that I was angry, and then I blacked out and was being pulled off his unconscious body." The blood from his nose had been all over my hand.
She nods her head. "Has it always been like this Beck? Have you always blacked out when you were angry?"
"It started when my mom left when I was eight," I find myself telling her. It feels good to let it out, and I know I'll never get out of here unless I learn to deal with my anger, and dealing with it means talking about it.
"Do you feel resentment towards her for leaving?"
"I did, but I can understand why she left."
Her eyebrows furrow in confusion. "Why can you understand why she left?"
I swallow deeply before telling her. "Because my father used to beat her up." The memories arrive in flashbacks. My dad throwing my mom against a wall. My dad grabbing my hair by the hair and dragging her across the floor. My dad slapping my mom. My mom crying and telling me to go hide in my room. I wanted to help her, but I couldn't. I felt useless.
"Beck…after your mom left, did your dad hit you?" her eyes are full of sadness.
I exhale deeply. "Yeah, he started beating me up. At first it was only when he was drunk, but then he started getting drunk all the time. He blamed me for my mom leaving, saying I asked too much of her, I was too big a burden. When he hit me and screamed at me, it made me so angry. I wanted to fight back, but I couldn't. That's when the blackouts started. It made it easier. He would hit me, I would feel the anger build up in my chest, and then it would explode, leaving me in darkness."
"I think that's enough for today," she says quietly. "Thank you Beck."
I stand up and quickly leave, practically running down the hall. I feel so overwhelmed; I had tried to block those memories out because they hurt too much. I ran up the stairs and almost tripped on someone sitting on the top step.
"Sorr-," I stopped when I realize its was Cat. She was holding Mr. Longneck and playing with one of those cootie catcher things.
"Hi Cat," I practically whisper, I'm not sure if we're on speaking terms.
She looks up from her cootie catcher. "Hi Beck." Her eyes go back to the paper as she opens and closes it.
"I just came back from my therapy session, it went good," I say.
"That's good," she says quietly, not taking her eyes off the cootie catcher.
"I made a lot of progress." I'm only telling her this to let her know I can get better. I don't have to always be a mental case. I can try to get better. I can try to get better for her.
She doesn't say anything. I sit down beside her. "Cat, I'm trying to get better. So we can have a chance."
She stops opening a closing the paper and doesn't move for a few seconds before standing up. She throws the cootie catcher away and grabs Mr. Longneck and starts walking away.
I stand up and grab her by the arm, making her face me. "Cat, please just listen to me."
She pulls her arm away. "No, you listen to me. I thought I made myself very clear. I don't want to be with you Beck."
"Because you said that we're no good for each other, but we are Cat. We made an instant connection. The only thing standing in our way of being together is our issues, that's why I'm trying to work through mine."
She puts her hands on her face and screams slightly. "Beck, stop! I don't want to be with you, just accept it and stop trying!" She turns to leave, and Cat fades away and all I see is my mom leaving. No, mom, mom, you can't leave. I grab her to make her stay and then everything goes black.
I feel breath against my face and the blackness fades away. I feel something small in my hands, and I shake my head, trying to clear the fogginess, and when it does fade, I see Cat just centimetres from my face. She's pinned against the wall, by me. I realize that my hands are holding her wrists against the wall. I quickly let go.
"Oh my god Cat, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I say, feeling out of breath. I saw my mom; I wanted my mom to stay. It wasn't Cat. I didn't want to hurt Cat. I didn't want to hurt anyone; I just wanted my mom to stay.
Cat looks at me like I'm a stranger. "You're a monster, Beck, stay away from me!" She picks up Mr. Longneck who had fallen out of the ground, and with one last look of hurt and pain at me, runs to her room.
I'm nothing. I am a monster.