A Gintama x Harry Potter Fanfiction by AncientArchive

I'm sorry, I'm late. And this story is a bit lengthy and draggy and long and halfway through, I realise I have no idea where I'm going. And you should realise that this story would never be reaching anywhere close to Harry Potter until around the sixth chapter. I'm sorry. But I posted this still, so I got that going for me, which is nice. BAM! Meme reference! This also shows that I have spent far too much time on 9gag and funsubstance than absolutely healthy. I have a bit of science-y thing going up here but I suck at biology and I'm just flopping here on unknown grounds, going 'What -gasp- the -gasp- am I doing?'. And yeah, not much action here.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or Harry Potter. Like, nowhere close.

Chapter 2: On The Same Yet Different Side, There Lived A Slightly More Politically Important Man

For a compound that served both as a headquarter and a hostel for unruly men, the Shinsengumi headquarters was awfully hushed. On normal days, there would be at least one group doing Kendo exercises or stupid Yamazaki and his friends playing badminton in the front garden. Today, however, the rough voice of Kondo counting could hardly be heard, mostly because the commander was sitting right before him. Yamazaki and his badminton friends weren't where they usually played too because he, in a fit of righteous anger, had sent them on a useless undercover operation which he knew would lead to nothing.

Nevertheless, despite the unsettling silence, he decided firmly to use this opportunity to appreciate the peaceful stillness that rarely came by. The last time he was ever close to such hush was when his people were getting knocked down one by one by an impregnated mosquito-esque Amanto and, which, truth to be told, was hardly serene for him with all the screaming and jump scares. If he thought Sadako was scary, that baby and her literal baby took the blood-sucking cake.

Thoughts aside, he took a deep breath of his cigarette, feeling the sensation of an adrenaline rush that strangely calmed him down more than sending him onto an energised frenzy. The tip burned a bright gold with the intake of breath but was then smothered on an ash tray as Hijikata put the cigarette away.

Before him, Kondo sat calmly with his eyes closed. To other people, the man would seem to be appreciating the silence, but he knew better. That idiot was probably dreaming about the Yorozuya boy's sister.

"Kondo-san," he chastised when a full ten minutes of useless breathing had gone by without a single word being said. "Stop thinking about that woman. You said it was something important."

An eye peeked open to glance at him with incredulity. When the only response he received was Hijikata's straight face, Kondo sighed in disappointment and shook his head. "Toshi! You really don't get it. That woman is important! So what if there's someone going about killing people? So what if the Bakufu is weighing serious threats down on us right now? So what if we're about to be forced to commit Seppuku? Toshi," the man said with bursting conviction, his voice increasing in volume as he became more agitated. "When you're in love, everything is shining in your eyes, no matter how bleak life is in the eyes of other's!"

"I'm telling you right now that in my eyes and hers that your life is as dull as a pile of dog's shit! Clearly it's something incredibly significant! Just spit it out or else your bright life you see before your eyes suddenly turn to black like a bloody eclipse! Get your priorities straight, seriously!"

Kondo pouted, his face contorting to see a wounded puppy but failing miserably. "You don't have to be so harsh on me, mother..."

"Who the hell is your mother?!" Knowing that to continue arguing with Kondo was akin to taking that one step closer to busting his blood vessels, he took a deep breath and counted backwards from ten. Only when he felt the anger coursing within him subsided considerably did he continue. "No, seriously, what's going on?"

Sensing the shift in the conversation, Kondo wisely decided to keep the hare-brained comments to himself. "I'm surprised you hadn't heard of the murders yet. It's proper procedure for such cases to reach your hands first before it reaches mine."

"Since when was the Shinsengumi anything about proper procedures?"

"But then again, it was Sougo who received the case first, so it does make some sense," Kondo forged on despite the interruptions. "Toshi, I advise you to be prepared for another attempt on your life."

"See, this is why we can never have 'proper procedures'! What type of police force has captains that try to kill the vice-commander? And don't say that so casually as if you're taking a walk in a park!"

"No, this is taking a walk in a Grand Line park*. Normal parks don't contain bazookas and guns. Back to the main point, the first killing was found at least two weeks ago by a pedestrian in an alleyway of First Street between the 'Suiton: Taihodan! Laundry' and the 'Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu! Bakery.**'"

"That's just a blatant rip off isn't it?" Hijikata snapped. "At least try to make it less obvious like 'Suiton: We Wash Violently!' or 'Katon: We Try Our Hardest Not To Overcook Our Bread' or something! And isn't this kind of killings supposed to be under the police force? We don't usually handle murder cases unless it involves the Shogunate or the Jouishishi in some way."

"Sometimes in life there are things that need to be obvious. The least we can do is try to make it so for the sake of others, even when we place ourselves in the line of fire. And that would usually be so but as of chapter 463, Hideaki Sorachi suddenly deemed us as necessary in solving normal homicides," Kondo coughed into his mouth as he subtly changed the discussion. "On a more serious note, the police force was on the case but after the sixth body had piled in and with absolutely no clues, To-tsan chose to drag us along."

Hijikata peaked an eyebrow as he gazed inquiringly at Kondo. "Then? What did Sougo find?"

"That's why I'm giving these images and case files to you."

"Why? Sougo is smart. Don't tell me he didn't notice anything."

"Oh, I know he's smart. He was too lazy to do it so he passed it on to you."

"That stupid asshole!" Hijikata hissed with a clenched fist that promised pain for his subordinate. Despite being hell-bent on declining the case, at the end of the day it was Kondo's orders so he accepted the case files with overflowing reluctance that oozed with every breath. He peeked at Kondo who gestured him to open and look through the photos.

It was a disgusting scene, splayed with splatters and streaks of red like an artist's abstract painting of a fire truck. Hijikata knew a human's body contained at least 10 pints of blood but to see it dyeing the dull and filthy alleyway with crimson was nauseating. It covered over ancient posters pasted across the walls, splashed over over-filling rubbish cans and ran across the sandy soil. The dead body was an even worse sight to see. The large gash on the person's neck was definitely the cause of death judging by the depth that even he could tell from the photos. The murderer seemed as if he was attempting to cut off a chunk of the man's flesh while he was at it. Even so, it was an immediate death. Wordlessly, he examined the other photos too, noting that the death-causing injury, while same in appearance, was scattered in different parts of the body of different victims.

"The victims are generally large size and very muscular. The perpetrator either possesses insurmountable power, is an Amanto or matches these victims in size. The sixth victim is about 190cm tall," Hijikata pointed out. He paused suddenly as a thought crossed his mind. "Scratch that. This is Kabukicho we're talking about here. Crazy strong basically sums up the whole population there."

That was definitely undeniable.

Hijikata continued to scan through the various pictures that, altogether, had very little variety. Every crime scene was, placed in the simplest term, red. The only difference between the scenes was the victims.

"And the victims, "he gestured a hand towards the photos."They have no connections whatsoever?"

The low intonation of Kondo's hum was more than sufficient as an answer. "Not that we know of. Victim 1 is a construction worker working in Kabukicho's second district. Victim 2 is a foreign minister in the Bakufu who stays inside the palace. The third victim is a proprietor of a small antique shop down at the fourth district while the fourth , strangely enough, is a sewage cleaner who lives in the same district. The fifth is the minister of finance and, related to the victim 2, stays within the palace. Victim 6 is an engineer working part time in the Terminal. None of them were recorded down in the police database. As far as we know, the murderer is plucking them off the streets to his heart's content."

If knowing the barbarism of the murder was not enough, knowing that there was no similarity in the killings was worse. This left the Shinsengumi at an obvious disadvantage with their limited knowledge of his modus operandi. To his knowledge, that usually meant that the murderer was either a blood-thirsty sociopath, a psychotic killer or a hit man.

"If anything, I place my bets on a hit man. Although, it does seem unlikely," Kondo hummed once more, this time in agreement. "While the killings look to be random, a normal person driven to kill due to mental instability would never take a high risk victim such at the ministers. Even if this was the murderer trying his hand in determining how far he could go, it would not make sense because he's not gradually changing his victims according to risk level as victim 2 is a minister. On the other hand, a normal hit man would never leave a crime scene like this."

"You're right as usual, Toshi. Hit men prefer to be immaculate in their assassinations. And in a normal case, the decision between a hit man and a psychotic killer would be a confusing 50-50..."

"But?"

"Would it help you that even with the seeming lack of foresight and caution, that not one jot of blood or a strand of hair belonged to anyone other than the victim himself. Considering that this is an alleyway that the bodies were found, that is strange. We went over the garbage cans, the walls, the ground and more or less everywhere for any DNA. There was none."

"In an alleyway? None at all?" Hijikata let out a low whistle. This was proof of expertise and definitely a sign of a highly stable mindset. "Messy yet undeniably immaculate, the doings of a hit man or a sociopath."

"Toshi, I'm presenting this case to you. In the mean time, Sougo and the remainder of the units would take care of Jouishishi activities in Kabukicho so that you can concentrate. This case remains our top priority. Failure," At this, Kondo's voice turned grim. "Failure to do so would end in Seppuku. The Bakufu can't afford another death in their government and they're panicking right now."

"Wow, way to lay the pressure on, Kondo-san."

Kondo gave him a thumb up and grinned so wide his canines sparkled. "I try my best."

"I wasn't complimenting you! Notice the sarcasm, please!" Frustration and pressure built up within him and soon, he lacked the will to resist the familiar rush of adrenaline a cigarette gave him. With nimble fingers, he whipped out a cigarette and lit it with his lighter. He breathed deep, enjoying the stream of nicotine in his lungs. This was much better. "In the end, I'll solve it so leave everything to me."

Satisfied with his answer, Kondo nodded once, with total faith in the brains of his second-in-command. If there was anyone who would be able to solve this case, it would most definitely be him. He raised his index finger. "A month. That's all the Bakufu gave. In truth, even a month would be too long. The murderer gets a victim almost every other day. By the end, the death count would be excessively high."

Hijikata did not need Kondo to tell him how grave the situation was. Quietly, he stood up and with one last glance that burnt with conviction, he exited the room, the rice door closing softly behind him.

- How do I insert the line break?-

Matsudaira had given him the case too late. If the case were given to him during the time of the first murder, it would give him an opportunity and ample time to examine the crime scene. Now with six murders, the last one occurring a mere three days ago, all the crime scenes have been wiped clean that it shone and sparkled. There was no way Hijikata was going to find any evidence there.

In the confines of his room, he examined the files Kondo provided. It contained pictures and the backgrounds of all six victims. Even in the third hour since he started, nothing of significance had taken hold of his attention. He was beginning to feel aggravated beyond belief. It was the sort of feeling that started small, the flame of annoyance easily ignored at the bottom of his stomach, but as time passed, the urge to destroy everything grew irresistible. With a stifled (yet manly) scream, he threw the pictures across the room with all his strength that was amplified by his provocation. However, the pictures didn't get far and gently floated down onto the floor.

"Tch. Even the stupid pictures won't let me vent my anger," he frowned and slammed the tip of his cigarette down on the ashtray with an excessive force. "Looking at the pictures all day won't do me any good."

While the different alleys were wiped till it was spick and span, the bodies were down in the hospital's morgue. From the coroner's preliminary reports, the only cause of death was the large gashes that lead to exsanguinations and that, judging from all the reports, was the only thing that the victims have in common. Undeterred by that, he ultimately decided to check up on the bodies to spot anything the coroner missed. For now, that was the best, or maybe the only, thing he could do to desperately find that one step forward to solving the crime.

Oedo Hospital was only a five minutes drive from the Shinsengumi Headquarters but impatient as he was, he took the patrol car there, flashing lights and blaring horns on full blast. The morgue, as every part of the hospital, was eerie and while it was illuminated by bright fluorescent lamps, did not help to quell his fear of reviving bodies. Especially since the coroner had left him to his doings, going on about chicken chop being served in the hospital cafeteria, his imagination was left to run wild without anyone as company other than the dead. His grip on the handle of his sword constricted tightly and while he knew logically that when it came to the undead, a simple sword would do no injury at all, he was still hoping he could pull a Soul Burial*** from his ass.

Standing in the silence of the room, a shiver ran down his spine and spread like delicate threads of a spider web to every nerve of his fingertips. The morgue was in the basement of the hospital so there had rarely been anyone walking pass by here unless it was the policemen examining the body. Forget Jackie Chan, the coroner was up there in his 'World's Bravest' List.

Before the coroner had left all giggling like a school girl on Valentine's Day about Chicken Chop, at least he had helpfully pulled out the six dead and very pale bodies out for him to examine. Even though his reply at that point of time was an uncommitted hum, he was very thankful because after the dead food shop owner and the 'vampire' incident, he was fully intent on keeping a wide berth when it comes to corpses.

Not that studying the six victims was any easier... Perhaps it would do him and his fragile heart some good to call Yamazaki down to the morgue to do the examinations in his stead. The moment that thought crossed his mind, he instantly discarded it, knowing that Yamazaki was out on a mission. Either way, it was too late. And coming up with an excuse was a pain too without his healthy dose of nicotine.

Sighing, he surrendered himself to his job. There was no way out of it and if he had actually shied away from the dead bodies, he might be joining them after he submits himself to the merciless and fatal sword when he fails to solve the case. Moving slowly yet purposefully, he pulled on the latex gloves, his limbs feeling like lead and yet it vibrated faster than Usain Bolt high.

He took an exaggerated large gulp of air as he rolled down the plastic sheet with trembling hands. A very white face appeared into view and his frown automatically deepened. This was the first victim and while his pallor had faded from a tan brown to a snowy white, the fuzzy eyebrows unquestionably identified him as the 26 year old construction worker, Konomata Tenosuke. Peeking up from under his v-shaped bangs, he noted the way the victim's legs rested uncomfortably on the edge of the gurney, as did the rest of them. They were all very tall.

The gash stood a stark red against the pale skin. The gash along the neck had been washed from blood and cleaned but the skin surrounding the stretch was red. It ran from the right clavicle all the way to the tip of his square-ish chin and measured at least 10cm in length and 5cm in width.

His eyes widened as he captured something strange. Mutely, he stepped around the gurney to the second victim. The Foreign Minister, Hanamitsu Itatsu. The gash was situated on the inner thigh of his left leg, cutting through the bone and femoral artery till white shown through red. Similarly, the wound was far too wide for a standard sword and after checking the other four bodies, it was of no surprise to him that the rest of the victims carried similar wounds.

Before the coroner had left in his hurry, he had conveniently placed his notes on his work table which was easily spotted by Hijikata. He impatiently rounded to the messy work desk and snatched up the file. The report was written in an illegible, scribbled handwriting, alike to a doctor's. Luckily for him, he had managed all these years with children's handwriting from his subordinates just fine and could, more or less, make out the words of the notes.

From what he could perceive, the coroner, though lacking in his diligence, was definitely skilled in his work. In the reports for all six bodies, he had included that the wounds were too thick for a katana or a bokuto. With the slash that stood a good five to six centrimetres in breadth, an axe would be more likely as the murder weapon.

But, logically speaking, an axe wound would not be that clean. A katana was sharper than an axe, thus causing a clean cut. An axe, being a blunt weapon and heavier, was difficult to wield and tend to leave a messier wound than a katana.

He frowned at the notes as he began to come to a realisation that everything about this case was a contradiction. The crime scenes that were far too chaotic yet impeccable and the wounds that were too wide yet too clean. With a resigned sigh, he acknowledged that this case was a real challenge of his skills. Regardless, it would not bode him well to give up.

With the file in hand, he began checking on the third victim, the owner of the Antique shop down in the Fourth District, Masamune Ryuunosuke. For someone whose work that required limited movement, the man was very fit, his skin stretched to accommodate for his bulky muscles and popping veins. It did strike him as odd that a businessman such as Masamune would need to be that fit but it could very well be just one of his hobbies. Nonetheless, he kept that question on the growing list in his mind.

The man's gash was across his chest, starting from his armpit and stretched across to the centre of the chest, just inches above his belly button. The wound had cut through the major arteries towards his heart. Out of the six, his death had to be the most instant.

There was nothing uncommon about the fourth victim and the fifth victim, their names Takeshi Hitachi and Imai Kohei respectively. The former was a sewage cleaner while the latter was the minister of finance. He did not take that long examining the two of them and quickly skipped them to the last and most recent addition to the death count.

The sixth victim was the one who caught his eye. Standing at an impressive 190cm, the man was massive, even compared to the rest of the victims, with his feet dangling slightly over the end of the gurney. His name was Sumakiri Ryuunosuke, age 36 and part time worker as an Engineer at the terminal. The wound, he noted when he used his gloved hand to poke cautiously at the wound, was on his right cheek that started at the corner of his left eye and crossed the bridge of his nose all the way to the end. While the others were left fairly untouched, this man was riddled with bruises and cracked bones.

If not for the shape of the wound, this man could be murdered by someone else for all he knew. The injuries sustained were most definitely a result of a fight, judging from the cracked skin around his right knuckles. This was further proved by the coroner's report. Hijikata cracked a gleeful smile, knowing full well that this man was the key to solving the crime, even if he barely fit into the murderer's building MO.

The large body was a painting's fill of clues and as the saying goes 'A picture is worth a thousand words', the same could be said about the body. His experienced eyes and quick mind spotted out clues and made deductions in a flash.

The fact that extra effort was taken by the murderer to get into a hand-to-hand combat with the victim either showed that one, the victim was much bigger than the murderer and hence, was harder to overwhelm or two, the relationship between the two was special enough to invoke deep seated anger. Seeing as the wound started from the left eye, the first conclusion was more likely. In a fight, control is very difficultly reigned. It would be far easier to take a wild swing than a controlled one, particularly in the midst of a rough fight. Someone who is taller would cause an injury starting from the temple or even the scalp of the head.

The injuries were concentrated from the neck to mid chest, suggesting that the murderer could not be shorter than 160 centimetres tall either. Regrettably, there were still hundreds of people between 160 and 190 centimetres tall. Hijikata quickly discarded that important clue to the back of his mind as it was, frankly, quite useless.

The next thing he noticed was that there were absolutely no foreign tissues anywhere on the victim's body. None under the nails or on the scrapes the victim incurred. He had to give it to the man who did this. As usual, everything was neat as a new pin, completely contrasting the bruises that dotted the cold body.

Sighing, he shook his head roughly. This was definitely not the best time to be complimenting the murderer on his murdering skills. That was surely one of the top things people should not be praised and appreciated about. He was not a corpse critic and if he did not get things done, his beheaded body would soon be joining the corpses in this freezing and eerie morgue.

Things definitely was taking a hard turn and he could feel a massive migraine coming. He slipped a trembling hand into his pocket and while he could not smoke due to the stupid hospital policy and all, shaking the half-full box of cigarettes would have to do. As the box rattled in his hands and echoed harshly in the room, he took another quick look at Sumakiri with a focused eye.

There was just something about the man that struck Hijikata odd but, try as he might, he could not place a finger on it. In his eyes, everything fit perfectly like a puzzle. For as far as he could see, there was nothing different about him than the other five, but his gut feelings had never been wrong.

Whatever that stood out to him, he knew it would not do to continue staring at the dead body like a boyfriend in love. If anything, he was certain that this man was the key. Now, all he needed to do was to know about this particular man that the murderer had slipped up. The file did say that he worked as a part-time engineer, so , Hijikata wondered, what else did he do in his free time.

-Meh. Close Enough.-

BAM! Meme reference! I should stop.

* One Piece reference

** Naruto reference

*** Bleach reference

160 cm is 5.2ft, 190cm is 6.2ft

IMPORTANT: Thank you for reading. I have four choices for you: Review. Favourite this story. Follow me. Or just continue to read anonymously because yeah, I am a douchebag too, so I understand. I'm sorry. However, if you're a biology major of some sorts and reading this fanfic and going 'What the eff is this stupid person thinking?' Good call. I'm not. On the good hand, though, that's what PM and review is for. Tell me and perhaps I'll start using my head a bit more, yeah.

MORE IMPORTANT: Another thing, I'll be away on holidays to Japan from the 25th to the 2nd and from then, going to start work until school starts in February. So I'd imagine that this story's update schedule is going to get pretty hectic. What about you? Hint hint: You should probably think the same.