Chapter 3: High School

Over the summer, the kids of John H. Smith Middle School discussed the future.

Except, not the way teachers wanted them to.

"What do you guys want to be when you grow up?" Nepeta asked idly, rubbing chlorinated water out of her eyes.

The nine of them were at the local pool, Roosevelt. It was a warm day, and they were treading water in the deep end. Nepeta, Jade, and Karkat were the only ones who couldn't touch the bottom.

"Lawyer," Terezi said. "Harvard Law School, totally."

"I still want to be a magician," John said. "I know it's for little kids, but it's cool!"

"I maintain that I will be in the Olympics," Equius stated. "Weightlifting, most likely."

"I'll be a computer programmer and make the Internet way faster," Sollux said simply.

"Archeologist," Aradia said. "I'd love to work at a university and travel to Egypt and places. Really cool places like that."

"I'll be in the circus, man. Trapeze and clowns and shit…" Gamzee said, trailing off.

"I'm going to be a particle physicist and work at CERN in Europe," Jade said. When everyone gave her blank looks, she added: "You know, the Large Hadron Collider? Higgs Boson, all that?"

"Neat!" Nepeta said, in a very "Yes, Jade," way. "I'd like to be an actor, probably on Broadway. Wouldn't that be amazing?"

"I'll be a director," Karkat said. "Make movies really good. Not like the shit we see sometimes, I mean really good movies."

"Man, when we grow up," Aradia said. "Weird thought."

Nepeta smiled and did a flip in the water. "Oh, you never know," she said. "You never know."

One warm, sunny day in July, Nepeta was hanging out with Equius at the park, eating ice cream. "High school this year," Nepeta remarked offhandedly. "You're going to need a lot of towels."

"I'd rather you not mention that in a public place, Nepeta," Equius said.

Nepeta laughed. "There's no one here. No one comes to the park in the middle of July."

"Then why are we here?" Equius asked.

"Because there's nobody here," Nepeta shrugged. "And in case you haven't noticed, we're not really everybody. We're a bit weird for everybody."

"Well, if we weren't a bit strange, we most likely wouldn't be friends," Equius said.

"You're probably right," Nepeta said. There was a brief pause. "Any luck with Aradia?"

"No. She still seems to enjoy Sollux's company. Even though he's dating Feferi," Equius said.

"So you still haven't had your first kiss then?" Nepeta asked as she licked her mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"No," Equius answered.

"It's okay. Me neither," Nepeta said, looking down at her feet. She didn't want to say how disappointed she was.

"Does that make upset you?" Equius asked.

"Well, your first kiss is supposed to be sort of a big deal, I guess. Like, something that happens before high school," Nepeta said, downcast.

"I don't know why people make such a big deal of it. It's simply a kiss," Equius said practically.

"Well, I just get sick of people flaunting it in my face," Nepeta said. "Especially Vriska."

"Do you have any proof that Vriska has actually had her first kiss?" Equius asked.

"Well, no, but you know what I mean," Nepeta acknowledged. "Even Eridan's had his! How does that work?"

Equius started to answer, but he stopped himself. "I actually do not know," he said. "Perhaps a dare from Sollux? Or Feferi pitied him?"

"Don't you wish you could just get it over with so everyone would stop bugging you?" Nepeta asked.

"Yes," Equius admitted. "It is extremely irritating."

"Do you just want to…like…kiss and get it over with?" Nepeta asked awkwardly.

"Well, I guess, sort of, um, but that doesn't mean I like you, I mean, that I don't like you, but not in that way, but I like you as a friend, and I don't really want to kiss you…not saying that you're a bad person to kiss, it's just that you're my friend, and I don't like you, I mean, I like you, but not in that way, because with Aradia and—" Nepeta rolled her eyes. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. She knew that his eyes must be wide, because that was what he did when he was surprised. He relaxed just a bit. The both pulled away after five seconds.

Nepeta blushed bright red. She saw him sweating through his shirt. She said, "Come on, let's get you some towels." As they were walked away, she added, "Don't mention this to anyone."

"I wasn't intending to," Equius agreed. But he didn't sound that upset. They were both glad to have that over with.

Nepeta's hair, now a bit past chin length, was brushed neat for the first time on Freshman Orientation day. Her hair was a few shades darker than it had been in elementary school, but her eyes were the same shade of green. She was a little bit tanner, and she'd gotten a new green coat. Her face had gotten older, her baby fat melting away and her cheekbones showing more. And, of course, she was taller, though still the shortest in the grade. First day of high school. Here goes nothing.

She didn't bring anything to orientation, just a brain full of nervousness and anxiety. The first person she saw was Equius.

"Equius!" she shouted, far louder and more high-pitched than normal. "Hi! Seen anyone else?"

"We are all going to the cafeteria, where we are being sorted by counselor for school tours, a basic orientation, and a schedule walk-through. Who is your counselor?" There were thirteen.

"Myers, you?" Nepeta asked.

"Frances," Equius answered. "Come on, let us go and receive the information we need."

They already had maps and schedules, so all they needed was a T-shirt and a handbook. Which they received from their respective counselors before heading to the theater (it was a proper theater with those seats that come down when you sit on them) and sitting in sections by counselor.

The other person who had Myers as their counselor was Tavros, someone she'd only heard of. Due to what was referred to as an "unfortunate accident," he used walking sticks to get around sometimes. Apparently, he used to be in a wheelchair, but he was doing physical therapy and he'd be able to walk on his own someday. This all had something to do with Vriska, but Nepeta didn't know what.

"Hi," she said to Tavros. "I'm Nepeta. You're Tavros, right?"

The boy nodded. "Y-you're Nepeta?" he asked. "Hi. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," she said politely. "Should we sit down or something? I'm not sure I get this."

"Me either," he said. "I…I think, uh, that we sit in the sections, and, uh, they'll, uh, orient us?" He attempted a half-smile, probably freaked out by her social-butterfly-ness.

"Yeah," she said. "Let's sit."

The assembly began with two things, one interesting and one not: the smoke machines, and the kid who started coughing so bad that she had to go to the nurse.

"So now you'll have six minutes to find each class and five minutes in each class to meet your teacher and classmates!" the principal finished. "Off you go!"

Nepeta immediately stood up, waved to Tavros, and walked quickly to Honors World History. She had three honors classes: World History, Bio, and French. Her elective for first semester (finally two semesters instead of three trimesters; that system made absolutely zero sense) was Woodworking, better known as Woods. It worked for the Applied Arts half-credit they needed to graduate.

Nepeta was never good at maps, but this was just impossible. The school was huge and hard to navigate, not to mention terrifying. She was late to every class.

And she was starting tomorrow.

That night, she didn't sleep well. She stayed up on the computer for a bit, then she tried reading one of her favorite romance novels, then she tried some yoga poses her aunt had taught her. Finally, she just put on her sleep playlist and drifted off.

Her alarm rang with its usual annoying beeping. She threw out her arm and slapped the snooze button to turn off that gogdamn beeping.

Meulin walked into her room and said (shouted), "Come on, little sister! Up and at 'em!"

"Shut up," Nepeta groaned.

"Come on, first day of high school!" Meulin enthused. "And I'm driving us, so get up and get in the car before I leave without you."

"Fine," Nepeta conceded, throwing something at her sister before getting out of bed. She heard a dull thud and a muted, "Shit!" so she could assume that her missile had reached its target.

She rolled out of bed and got dressed in the outfit that she'd laid out the night before. Her stomach was pounding already, and she felt bile creep up her throat. She didn't eat breakfast; what was the use when she'd just throw it up when she got to school? She brushed her teeth and rubbed her eyes one more time. At least she didn't need contacts or anything.

"Kitty-cat! Grab your stuff, it's time to go!" Meulin shouted.

"COMING!" Nepeta shouted. She picked up the backpack and extra bag from the bookstore, throwing both into the backseat of the Toyota and climbing into the passenger seat. She was fidgeting badly and the music was her sister's, which was like hers but not enough for comfort and the roads were busy and what if they were late and oh shit, here they were. She climbed out of the car, her sister whispering a few last words of encouragement, and walked through the doors and into the school.

Brook River East had four main "wings." The humanities wing, which had English classes on the bottom floor and history classes on the top floor, was the oldest wing. The math wing had science on the first floor and math on the second. Between the two wings was the cafeteria, the library, and most of the art rooms, known as the arts wing. Sticking out from the arts wing was the PE wing, where the gyms, the pools, the wrestling room, and the Driver's Ed room were. Her classes were practically across the school from each other. Top floor, bottom floor, arts wing, math wing, everywhere! But never near each other, because heaven forbid she have an easy time with her first day of high school. Or any day after.

Nepeta could list several very interesting things that had happened in the first semester of high school. Starting with Terezi.

There were a whole ton of labs in the first month or so of school. Labs with lots of chemicals. Including lots of acids.

Nepeta had honors bio, so she never saw what happened. But she was in the nurses' office three seconds later, rushing away from PE as soon as she was called to see her friend. But she heard the story from several different viewpoints, so she managed to piece it together.

It seemed that Vriska and Terezi, the inseparable best friends, had some sort of falling out over the summer. Terezi tried to stop Vriska from pushing Tavros in front of a bus, and Vriska was pissed and tried for revenge. Revenge that took the form of a potent acid.

Terezi had been pouring test tubes of acid for the lab they were doing in bio. Vriska had purposefully, when Terezi reached across the sink to grab a second chemical, jostled Terezi's arm and knocked the acid into her eyes.

Vriska, in falsely trying to help Terezi (Nepeta was sure that no one in the school would realize that her friend was lying about helping Terezi), had taken too long to get Terezi to the eyewash station and blinded her.

But it seemed that Terezi's synesthesia came through for her, and she still smelled and tasted colors and shapes. It was one of the weirdest and most amazing things Nepeta had ever heard. Gamzee, of course, called it a "motherfucking miracle".

It seemed to piss Vriska off even more that Terezi's incredible sense of smell and taste meant that she barely even needed a cane. Terezi just bought a fun pair of candy-red (apparently the most delicious color) glasses and walked around like normal. She could even still write, and sometimes even read. It was amazing.

But Nepeta, who had been getting a hunch about who Karkat liked, watched carefully as her crush seemed to fall for Terezi even more now that she couldn't see.

Then there was Meulin.

Nepeta never really found out how it happened, because Meulin never said. But about two weeks into the year, Meulin didn't come home at night. She came home the next morning and scribbled something on a piece of notebook paper and left it on the kitchen table.

The next thing Nepeta heard was her mom screaming.

Meulin was deaf.

They went to an ear doctor, and the doctor couldn't do anything. There was no fix. Hearing aids did nothing, and Meulin couldn't even hear tones. She was completely deaf.

So the three of them learned sign language. Meulin shouted a lot. Their mother bought a couple of those voice-recognition things that type a person's voice for the landline and Meulin's cell phone.

They coped.

Nepeta would occasionally pester her sister about what had happened. About everything else, Meulin was an open book. But on that subject, she didn't say a word. No matter how many times Nepeta asked, or how she posed the question, Meulin would avoid talking about it. She would dodge the subject and talk instead about something like the weather or schoolwork. If Nepeta was paying attention, she could sometimes catch a hopelessly sad look on her sister's face for just a second before Meulin was smiling again.

She asked her mother, too, just once or twice. It very quickly became clear that Nepeta's mother didn't know anything more than Nepeta did. And honestly, it scared her. What could've happened that was so horrible that Meulin was completely mum on the topic?

She didn't want to think about it.

The third thing that happened in the first semester of high school was Homecoming.

"Nepeta?" Karkat asked, about two weeks before hand. "Can I talk to you?"

Nepeta jumped and turned around. Oh gog, what if he asks me? What do I say? What do I wear? Oh my gog, she thought. "Y-yeah," she stammered.

"Okay. So there's this girl, and I want to ask her to Homecoming, and…I need some advice," he confessed.

Recovering her sanity, Nepeta joked, "Oh, the great romance master asking for advice."

"She's a girl!" Karkat exclaimed. "She's a fucking girl so she makes no gogdamn sense!"

Nepeta nodded. "Give her a flower," she said. "Or cookies."

"Anything else? Like, what the fuck to say?"

"Just ask her. It's not Prom," Nepeta advised. What if the girl was her?

"Okay. Uh…what sort of flower?"

"What's her favorite flower?"

"I don't fucking know!"

"Then a rose," Nepeta answered. She was barely keeping herself under control. She swallowed hard and crossed her fingers behind her back.

"Okay. Thanks. So…um…anything else?" he asked and he looked shy and embarrassed and he was blushing and he was so cute when he did that…

"Well…who is she?" Nepeta asked.

"Uh…" he looked awkward. It's me! she thought.

"Terezi," he confessed.

She tried her hardest not to look disappointed. "Okay. Uh…be funny. She'll like that. I've got to go and meet my sister for a ride. Bye." She practically ran away. "Nepeta!" he shouted after her. When she turned the corner before he could ask her what the hell was up, he sighed and said, "Well, fuck."

She'd know all along, hadn't she? From the second the three of them walked into English class on the first day, she'd known that he had a crush on Terezi. He was the first one in the office when she went blind, the first one to volunteer to help her around the hallways, the one who was always next to her. It was obvious.

She had to talk to someone. Emotions often affected her more than most people, and she most often used talking to get it all out. So she opened Meulin's door and signed, "Hey. Uh…can I talk to you?"

"Sure!" Meulin shouted.

"Quietly, please," Nepeta signed.

Meulin nodded. "What is it, little sister?"

"It's this boy…"

"Oh! Does he like you?" When Nepeta didn't answer, Meulin added, "Do you like him?"

"Uh…you know what, never mind. I got it," Nepeta said.

"If you're sure," Meulin said, shrugging. Meulin smiled to her sister and turned back to her junior-year piles of homework.

Nepeta walked back to her room and wrote a paragraph of an essay for English.

She wasn't sure why she didn't tell her sister about her crush, about the traumatic event that had just occurred. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was because it was a "secret crush", or maybe it was because she wanted a few things to be kept for herself in this crazy, crazy world.

She almost didn't go to Homecoming. She was too nervous. But Aradia (who, since starting high school, had seemed much more chipper and upbeat) and Terezi (of all people) had talked her into it. So after pizza and pictures at Vriska's house and Kanaya fussing over everyone and a bit of counseling for Equius to ask Aradia to dance, she tried to smile as they walked to the school, all of five minutes away. Talk about a non-conventional group. But hey, wasn't that what weird friends for?

So Nepeta danced to the music and laughed and had a good time. She drank the (hopefully not laced) punch and joked about how nicely the huge school gym was dressed up. Brook River East was nice enough that the only dance held off campus was Prom, which was at the hotel where ACen was held. That was a yearly joke for Nepeta, seeing the Prom kids try to find their way to the dance through the hoards of otakus.

"Equius!" she whispered. "We've only got fifteen minutes left; it's now or never!"

Equius shook his head. "I cannot. Perhaps next time?"

Nepeta rolled her eyes. "Fiiine," she conceded. "But I'll hold you to it come Winter Formal."

There were three dances every year (four, counting Prom). Homecoming, Winter Formal, and Turnabout. Winter Formal was way more formal than the other two; there was a dress code and sometimes some fancy snacks. If Equius didn't ask Aradia at that dance, he'd lose his shot for the year because Turnabout was about girls asking guys. So Nepeta was going to make sure that the two of them got together by the end of the year.

She was the matchmaker. Not like her mother's second job at the match factory (the single most embarrassing moment of her childhood when she looked back, the time when she confused matchmaking and making matches), but in the make-sure-everyone-gets-together way. So far, she had two missions: Tavros and Vriska and Aradia and Equius. She was sure she'd have more by the time high school was over, but for now she was sticking with the two. And with one unworkable until January, she was left to work on Tavros and Vriska.

She knew she should work to get Terezi and Karkat closer, but…she didn't think her heart could stand it.

Nepeta looked over at Terezi and Karkat just as they kissed.

She was sure that this was what heartbreak felt like.

Or maybe just a little crack. Terezi and Karkat were always together. Holding hands, doing the whole romantic looking-into-each-other's-eyes, kissing. But the kissing wasn't the worst. The worst was the teasing. The gentle little pokes at each other, the cute little words and phrases that bounced back and forth, all the little things that told her how happy they were together. Every time she saw the couple, she felt her heart break a little bit more. And every time she saw them, she knew that it mattered more to her that he was happy than she was.

But she wasn't happy at all.

Some of her love for him was the selfish, I-want-him-with-me love. But most of it was a desire to see him happy. So when she saw him happy with Terezi, her heart both smiled and cracked.

If she wasn't careful, her heart would shatter before too long.

It fun trying to persuade Tavros and Vriska to get together. Nepeta knew she had to wait until Turnabout, because Tavros would never have the self-confidence to ask someone out. It didn't matter much, who asked who, as long as someone got asked. So she was subtle. Really subtle.

"Hey, Tavros," she said one day in bio. "Turnabout's coming up."

Tavros nodded. He looked worried, that is, more worried than usual. "Something up?" she asked.

"I…uh…I want to ask someone, but, uh, I can't," Tavros admitted.

"Aw, that's too bad," Nepeta said, pretending to think. "Hey, I could talk to them for you, if you like. Who is it?"

Tavros looked around nervously. He lowered his voice and stammered out, "V-V-Vriska."

"Oh!" she said, pretending to be surprised. "Really, would you like me to talk to her for you?"

He nodded, looking deeply awkward. "Uh…if you wouldn't mind?"

"Of course!" she said. "Anything for a friend! Just tell me what you want me to do."

"Uh, would you mind just, uh, asking her if, uh, she wants to ask, uh, anyone out?" Tavros suggested meekly.

"Sure," Nepeta said. "I'll tell you what she says."

"Thanks," Tavros said gratefully. Nepeta smiled to herself. Her plan was in action.

She shared only lunch with Vriska, so this part was a bit risky. But as things went, Tavros had an orthodontist appointment over lunch, so she could talk to Vriska on her own.

"Hey, guys," Nepeta said when she sat at their table with her tray. She had a hamburger and French fries and a chocolate milk. (She'd promised her mom that she'd buy milk every day in sixth grade and now it was a habit.) She glanced around at her friends' lunches, and they were all the same as they were every day. Equius had two milks and two hamburgers and some vegetables, Terezi had a lot of red food, Aradia had a ton of chocolate even though she was skinny as a stick, Karkat had a sub sandwich and chips and a Mountain Dew and M&M's…it was the same every day.

Nepeta loved that about her life.

"So, who're you guys asking for Turnabout?" she asked her friends.

"No one," Vriska said smugly.

"Karkat," Terezi answered. "He's too afraid to ask me out anyways."

"You should ask someone, Vriska!" Nepeta enthused.

"Like who?"

"Hm…" Nepeta pretended to think. "How about Dave?"

"No way."

"John?"

"Maybe," Vriska shrugged.

"How about…" Nepeta did her best thinking face. "How about Tavros?"

"I dunno, maybe," Vriska shrugged.

"You should!" Nepeta persisted. "I think he might like you."

"Really," Vriska asked, feigning indifference.

"Mm-hm."

"Fine. I'll ask him."

Nepeta smiled and nodded. This hadn't been hard.

Now all she could do was observe.

She had a rule for herself about shipping her friends: if they broke up, she didn't try to get them back together. They might just not be right for each other, and she got that. No matter how hard she tried, she knew that some of her ships would always sink.

Turnabout was the same as Homecoming and Winter Formal (which Equius had not asked Aradia to). Nepeta danced with all her friends and smiled and laughed and had fun.

It still hurt to see Terezi and Karkat together.

But it was sophomore year when things began to really get interesting.

It started with Homecoming. With Tavros finally working up the courage to ask Vriska to the dance, even if they'd been going out all summer. With Nepeta pushing Equius into finally asking out Aradia. With Feferi coming to her for advice for asking out Sollux. With Rose and Kanaya coming out (finally) about their relationship. With Karkat and Terezi still being together.

Everything seemed to be happening at once.

And still, no one had asked Nepeta to any dance. No one had ever asked her out. No one.

It wasn't exactly encouraging.

Her sister, of course, told her that she was beautiful and smart and not to worry. Her mother told her that any boy would be lucky to have her. Her friends assured her that she was fine. But she still wondered: was something wrong with her, that no one seemed to love her the way she loved others?

She had animé club every Tuesday, and art club on Wednesdays when she didn't have school play rehearsal. She was chorus, of course, but she was hoping for a bigger role junior year. She made friends everywhere she went and in every club she joined; so why didn't she seem to have the…whatever it was to get a boyfriend?

So she dived into her friends' romances.

She had been, was, and always would be the matchmaker, the shipper, the observer. She watched at the ice skating rink as Terezi swung Karkat around until he nearly fell over. She watched as Sollux and Feferi shared their first kiss. She watched Equius and Aradia skate holding hands.

She watched others, not herself.

So it was probably her fault when she collided with another skater and fell on the ice. Her ankle twisted painfully underneath her and she shouted, "OUCH!" She pulled herself up using the wall on the edge of the rink and added in an undertone, "Shit." Her ankle felt bruised, possibly sprained. Equius skated to a stop next to her. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said, but then she fell again. Pulling herself up a second time, she added, "Okay, no I'm not. Help me off the rink?"

Equius nodded. She threw one arm around his shoulders (sort of—he was at least a foot and a half taller than her) and he supported her waist as they walked off the rink and she sat in the bleachers. "Go on, go skate with Aradia," Nepeta said.

"Are you sure?" Equius questioned.

"Yes," she insisted. "Go on, I'll be fine."

He left and she pulled off her skate, probing the brightly colored skin with her fingers. It was swollen and purple, and she had a feeling it was sprained. So instead she watched more, observing blooming and dying romances that were her friends' or strangers'.

It was too late to call her mother for a ride, and they didn't have enough seats for her in the car of her only friend with a license, Vriska. So she had to walk home with borrowed crutches and a bandage. Gamzee and Equius walked with her, of course, because they all lived in the same direction.

Walking home, Nepeta had a nagging feeling that something was wrong. She'd long since learned to trust her nagging feelings, so she was on high alert when it struck her conscious mind: Gamzee was sober. Her mind scrambled frantically though ways to ditch him before something bad happened.

But just as half an idea came to mind, Gamzee turned and decked Equius. Taken by surprise, Equius couldn't react in time. Gamzee produced a club from out of nowhere, a juggling club, and whacked Equius over the head. He fell over and suddenly Gamzee had wrapped his hands around Equius's neck and was strangling him.

Nepeta was terrified. She stood on her good leg, dug her house keys out of her pocket, and held them between her fingers. She snuck up on Gamzee and tried to punch him in the face, forcing him away from her best friend. But as he rounded on her, he grabbed her fist and scraped the keys across his face, carving deep gashes into his skin. Horrified, she stumbled backwards as her sprained ankle gave way beneath her. It was all she could do to scramble backwards while he attacked her with the club.

Every time he hit her with the club, it raised new bruises and opened new gashes. Her blood stained the sidewalk as she tried desperately to escape. "FIRE! FIRE!" she screamed, something she'd learned to do in self-defense. She started to scream for her friends, the ones who mattered the most to her. "EQUIUS!" she screamed, uselessly and desperately. "KARKAT! HELP! PLEASE!" But then he hit her mouth and she couldn't speak. As the blood drained from her body, she knew she was going to die. She'd always been strong and fast, though she didn't look it. But she couldn't run or fight with her badly sprained ankle. She knew this was her end. It was the end.

She started to crawl to Equius. If she was going to die, at least she could die next to her best friend. She persistently inched her way to Equius, even as Gamzee continued to bludgeon her with the club. She finally reached him and took his hand, squeezing tightly. She needed her best friend with her in her last moments. She closed her eyes. Surely Gamzee would let her stay here to die, when she was so clearly already good as dead.

But she was wrong. Gamzee grabbed her around the waist and threw her into the middle of the street. Her limp body landed heavily on the ground. Her arms splayed out and her bad ankle hit the ground with a painful thump. Her breaths were irregular and painful. Gamzee's face was right above hers, unbearably close. She couldn't see anymore. He was covering her mouth with his hand. She couldn't breathe. She tasted salty blood and the stale lack of air that was killing her. Her heart fluttered, trying to replenish all the lost blood, but barely any oxygen was entering her lungs. Horrible, terrifying fears shot through her mind. She tried desperately to take a breath. She forced her arms to move to push Gamzee away, as far from her as possible. She dug inside herself for a last burst of strength and screamed, "HELP ME!"

She had a vague memory of someone, not her, screaming.

As she lay there, bleeding on the street, she thought of everything she'd wanted to do. She was resigned to dying. She thought of everything she wished she'd done. She wished she'd seen the local botanic gardens once more, spent one more afternoon with her friends, eaten one more dinner with all her work friends at the animal shelter, spent one more car ride with her coworkers Leah and Janie and Marissa, gone to one more convention, even just spent one more evening in her room on any old night. She wished she'd told Equius what it meant to her that he was her best friend, or that she'd told Karkat how much she loved him and how she didn't think she could live without him. She wished for so many things in what she was sure were her last moments. So many things she knew she'd never get to have.

She had a vague memory of blue and red lights flashing in her vision, of Gamzee running away. It never became concrete, no matter how hard she tried. No matter how scared she was that it was going to be her last memory.

She had several vague, confusing memories of her family and friends coming to see her that could've been real or dreams. It was, if she was being honest, terrifying.

She was at the trial. Gamzee pleaded insanity and somehow got out of any sentence besides rehab.

She wasn't quite ready to forgive him.

She was forgiving; she didn't hold grudges. She knew it was unhealthy, so she tried to be forgiving. But she couldn't quite forgive the person who had nearly murdered her, even if he wasn't entirely himself when it had happened.

She spent a lot of nights wondering about a memory she had that might've been real or a dream. It was a memory of someone she knew, someone she loved, coming to see her. They held her hand, said something too her, kissed her cheek. She remembered trying to reply, but being too confused and tired to form words. Whoever it was, they had kissed her on the lips and left, leaving her confused and upset.

She wanted it to be real.

But it was probably just a dream.

She'd dreamed up someone to love.

What did that say about her?

But she'd made a decision, probably brought on by her near-death experience. She wasn't going to let her love rule her. She wasn't going to let the love that seemed to eat her up from the inside destroy the optimism that she'd always held. Sure, it sucked that her crush was dating someone else. But she was going to stay herself. She wasn't going to lose the things that made her happy.

So she let herself smile when she saw him in the hallways. She let herself giggle when he did something adorably stupid or told a joke that really wasn't that funny. She let herself crush on him, convinced that it would eventually go away.

At Turnabout, she actually danced with someone. Sure, someone was Equius and it was mostly because Aradia hadn't come, but she didn't mind. She liked the feeling of dancing with her best friend, even though there was no romance between the two.

She was in the Variety show again that year. The last performance was the weekend before finals. She had one role: part of the group that was doing the cup song. It was a big role for a sophomore, so she was proud, but nervous. What if she screwed up?

But on the night of the last performance, Karkat and Equius were both there in the audience. Many of her friends were also in the show, so the few who weren't had all come the last night.

Nepeta sat on the stage with the cup in front of her and the microphone over her mouth as she sang and did the clapping pattern and when she saw Karkat smile at her, she was sure that although it had been a pretty bad couple years, the next few would be much better.