After sitting through Kirova discussing the new rules that I would be governed by until further notice for about half an hour she finally waved her hand to signal the finalisation of the meeting. I could tell by the way that Dimitri stepped forward with a determined expression that he had a one track mind set solely on cornering me and using his Russian charm to fish the truth out of me. However, I wanted nothing more than to hide away in my room and just go back to the way things used to be where I would meet him in the early mornings and afternoons and crack jokes about his unique choice of literature.
"Rose I-" Before he had a chance to finish I stood and wheeled the oxygen tank behind me as quick as possible. I didn't really know where I was going and in all honesty I didn't really care. I just knew that I needed to get away from everyone – get away from the sympathetic looks and the impressive rounds of 21 questions regarding cancer.
"Hey Rose, where have you been?" Lissa questioned as I passed her in the halls outside of the cafeteria as Christian pulled her close to his side and Eddie rushed forward at the sight of me. I knew it had been quite a while since I spent time with my best friend, the pyro and Eddie but I just couldn't be around anyone at the moment. She took in the tube under my nose and the cylindrical tank behind me in shock as I flew past her in direction of the tress surrounding the academy. I knew she wouldn't follow me as 1) She was trying to keep up a good façade for the teachers and 2) She always knew when I needed alone time and this is one of those times.
"Well I'll see you later then!" Lissa yelled to me as I sped away before continuing on her way to her next class which I believed was English.
I felt my breaths become heavier as I reached the first few trees where I grabbed a hold of one of the tree trunks to steady myself and even out my breathing. Pushing forward I yanked the oxygen tank along the uneven ground below me as I continued on my way to god knows where. I knew I shouldn't have been running (in fact Dr Clara made a point to specifically point out the fact that I should avoid such exercise) but at that moment – I honestly couldn't care less.
As I tore through the trees I tripped, hit my head on the closest low-hanging tree branch and felt my face hit the cold, damp leaves and twigs which were coated in a thick layer of snow which covered the ground and the tube below my nose slipped away to sit under my chin. My chest felt heavy as it came into contact with the ground, winding me, which resulted in my heaving a small amount of blood onto the forest floor.
In confusion I searched around to find what had tripped me and after accidently kicking my tank as I pulled myself up I noticed the bloody wheel of the cart which carried it had gotten caught behind a tree root.
"Are you kidding me?!" I breathed out in a ragged whisper as I ripped the tube away from my face and threw it at the tank in frustration. Brushing off a number of bugs and insects which crawled up my arms, I left the tank where it lay and stumbled forward. My vision blurred together as my feet dragged along the forest floor and I could swear I saw a small wood cabin a few metres before me. It seemed to be hidden away where no students would accidently stumble upon (even though that was literally what I had done) and I focused my vision solely on the small cabin. I needed to rest and I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd run out of breath due to the absence of the oxygen tank. Even though I had only had it for a number of hours, my body had become accustomed to the tank and therefore relied upon its assistance to breathe.
Stumbling into the intricately carved wooden door I pushed fervently against it before falling through the doorway onto the wooden flooring. Gasping I flung my arms out before me to catch my fall and a gust of dust blew up into a cloud around my head. Searching desperately for clear air I gasped and choked as I scratched around on the floor to crawl further through the cabin. I felt my head hit the small bed in the corner which had a number of old blankets and sheets strewn across it.
Brushing off my arms I felt an itch at my elbow which felt a heel of a lot like bug legs crawling up my arm. Scratching the itch I steadied my breathing before searching around the small room.
There was an old fireplace off to the side with a pile of old wood and matches beside it. Walking to it I gave my best attempt at lighting a small fire which did little to ease the shaking of my body as the cold seeped through my wet clothes (it probably didn't help that I had fallen onto the snow).
As I sat shivering before the fire I finally let everything come down around me in a tidal wave of truths. I was never going to graduate, I was never going to see Lissa go on to become the successful woman everyone knows she will be, I was never going to be her guardian and what's more, I was never going to be able to truly become close with Dimitri. My Dimitri… He had looked so stricken as I walked through the door with oxygen tank behind me, my flesh a pale drained pallor.
Scratching my arm I felt that itch of the insect-like legs across my arm but as I glanced down – there was nothing there. Nothing. I knew it was the cancer which was making me feel this way but I couldn't get rid of it. It was like a cancerous serpent slithering through my system, slithering below the skin of my arm… just below the surface. Picking away at the floor boards I glanced down and noticed that – without me knowing – I had dug a rusty old nail from the wood. The skin around my nails were raw and blood trickled down my hand into small crimson droplets on the wooden flooring. Each one of those droplets held cancerous cells – cancer was in my own damn blood.
Scratching at my arm I noticed red lines appearing from my nails which the slithering cancerous serpent rushed to as if it wanted to escape. Glancing down at the nail in my hand I slowly brought it to my arm and dug it into my flesh. Hissing in pain, I slowly pulled it up my arm and felt a small smile stretch across my face as the blood bubbled up through the cut. It was nearly hypnotic the way the blood oozed out of my arm to splash against the flooring and I couldn't help but giggle at the euphoria of the moment.
A small part of me felt immensely guilty for doing this knowing that I had chastised Lissa multiple times for the exact same thing – but in that moment I just couldn't care less. I could feel the cancer sliding around below my skin and I just wanted it out – wanted to cut away at myself until it drained out of my arms. My quiet giggles turned to painful screams as I felt pressure building up at the back of my skull. It felt as if there was something building up inside of my skull just waiting to burst – like a balloon being inflated with too much air.
I threw the nail onto the ground beside my body as I grabbed at my head in crazy pain.
"Rose? Oh My god, Roza?!" I heard from the cabin door before blacking out from the immense pain.