There were two lines.
Two double lines that changed everything. Caused emotions to arise that weren't there for a while, hidden underneath piles of work.
Kate straightens her back, uncrosses her legs, and stands up from the edge of the tub that she had sat on. Crossing over to the sink - not taking her focus off of the parallel lines - she lies the test down on the counter. Tears form in the corner of her eyes and heat fills her face. A hand brushes them away and pushes hair behind her ear.
She can't worry about this now. She has to make sure that she doesn't worry about this now. She throws the test into the trash and ties the bag to make sure that it will not be visible when she takes it out.
She will deal with it later - tell him later.
She pulls on her sweater that bunched from sitting, opens the door and puts on her façade.
But there he is.
Her son.
Eyes closed, fingers almost around his head, forcing her to think about it. She passed this picture ever day before she left. Overtime the heat left her chest and the tears disintegrated and it became another memory on a dresser. But, today it was a person. It was her person.
Gathering herself together, Kate forces herself out the bedroom door.
He's standing there - making her breakfast like he always does. They leave together now, him and her.
Coffee in hands, they make their way to their career.
But, today was different. He was different.
"I'm making eggs, but seeing since we're late, I'm throwing them on toast . . ." he says, letting his words subside with recognition.
"Kate, are you - hey, are you okay?"
His voice brings her back to this place; back to her home. She breaks her thought from traveling and looks to her husband.
"Yes. Yea. I'm - crap. I'll be right back, I forgot - "
She runs off, trying to not bring up the subject of trash. She never takes out the trash, especially the bathroom trash bin. He would find it strange. She comes back into the room, doesn't speak, but exits the door without her shoes. He sees her, not stopping her determination, but stares at her when she reenters the loft.
He gives her a look, one that she knows means that he's questioning her, but brushes it off.
"Aren't you taking this," he says, handing her the coffee mug.
Turning her eyes to him, she looks down to see the one thing that she knows she can't have - tries to think of an excuse.
"Um, yea. Sure," she responds with an anxious smile.
She stares at the beverage that she would normally have fully consumed by now. She wants it - needs it. But she can't have it.
They reach the precinct on time as everyone is piling in for the workday. They go their normal route - elevator, stairs, desk.
She excuses herself from the boys - after their morning meeting - and makes her way to the bathroom with her coffee.
Pouring the drink down the sink was just the beginning.
How long could she hide this?
Last time she started to show earlier than she planned - and this is the second?
But why hide it? She's not ashamed. It's not something that she wishes would reverse itself. But it's something that she doesn't want to deal with. It took everything she had to come out of that depression. Without Castle, she probably would still be in it. Her therapist said she was recovering faster than usual - something he wanted to watch, but she remembers everything.
Kate's hands gripped the side of the sink. Thoughts flooded her focus - she remembered not wanting to get up. She remembers feeling like hooks were pulling at her heart, forcing it down deeper into her body. She remembers how her ears would go cold as the tears dried against them while she lied in her bed. She remembers her world revolving, but wanting it to end.
But it didn't have to be like this. This one could be different.
Kate leaves the bathroom, sees the boys laughing, chatting before they receive a phone call - which would be any moment now. They stop when she approaches, her mind somewhere else. Her eyes on the floor below, not looking at them. Not in this room.
"Kate?"
He sees her, knows something is wrong, but he will wait. He's learned not to discuss anything while at work. This is her place away from everything. To come and smile and laugh - solve cases. Bring others hope.
"Let's work on the cold case while we wait for the phone to ring. I don't know why we're slow, but the John Doe that we had last week could use some fresh eyes, so you three look at it. I'm going to finish the paperwork from the Gruves case."
And that's all she says. That's all she says for hours.
The boys leave - allow themselves to take a case that she approves with a wave of a hand. Castle goes with them leaving her to force her anxiety back down until she has time for it.
The sun set, people went home, but the boys were still out. Text messages let her know that they were fine, but this case is fast. They were following up lead after lead and adrenaline was helping them solve it. But, they should be arriving -
Just as she thinks it, the elevator dings and lets them out. The three tumble into the room, excited from something. Laughing and finishing their conversation.
Kate smiles to greet them, stands up.
"Ready to go?" she says.
"Yeah, sure. Do you have everything?"
She shakes her head, says her goodbyes.
In the elevator, she can tell that he wants to know. He is silently begging to ask her what is wrong. She knows he is secretly panicking. She had a set back about two weeks after their wedding. Guilt had set in. Her son wasn't here and they were happy. The simple emotion that cured her depression, but also brought it back. And now, she knows he thinks they are down that path again.
"I'm okay," she assures him.
"I - I didn't - Okay."
They exit the elevator, catch a cab - make their way home.
Once again, the silence of their elevator makes her anxious. The hidden statement that she has swallowed all day was shouting in this tiny box.
"Kate, are you sure - "
"I'm fine."
"Because you didn't - "
"Castle, I'm fine."
"But, Kate - "
She reassures him the entire way to their loft, once turning to him, hand on his chest, to say that she was really okay.
But she wasn't smiling and he knew that if she was really alright, she would smile.
He grabs her arm, pulls her back before they are fully into their home.
"Kate, tell me."
"Jesus, Castle. I don't know what I need to do - "
"Tell me."
"There's nothing to tell!"
"Something's up," he says, escalating his voice because she has now walked away.
He puts his keys on the table, shoes next to the door - he will move them later.
"Kate - "
"I'm pregnant, Castle," she shouts back.
For those that have asked - yes I am continuing this :] - turns out when you are finished the semester you really do sit down and do nothing. And, after I did that, I discovered Downton Abbey - needless to say I have not taken my eyes off the screen for the past couple of days.
But, this is here! I tried post updates on my tumblr (stillcatchingupDOTtumblrDOTc om).
Thoughts?
Thanks for sticking with this. I love all the support, opinions, etc.
- Meg