Nancy massaged her forehead and spoke to the ceiling, "Good grief, why? What have I done to deserve this?" But there was no time for more exclamations of shock, as Renee had dropped down into the tomb and was now cocking her head at them curiously. She had evidently overheard Bruno's revelation, judging from the enraged expression on her wrinkled visage. "Now Bruno, don't be ridiculous," she said with an eerie composure. "You just need to get some rest, sweetheart. You're talking nonsense."
"No, that's the exact response I programmed the Renee android to say when confronted with the fact that she's an android!" Bruno shrieked. "You made a robot version of Renee?" Henry asked in disbelief. "I thought if the real Renee wouldn't reciprocate my love, then…. that's not the point here! Someone stop her before she employs the eye-laser beams!"
Nancy turned to Lamont. "Lamont, give me your gumbo!" "But… my baby!" he shielded it protectively, but Nancy yanked it from his grasp and swiftly chucked it at "android" Renee. The thick steamy soup splashed effectively over her front, staining her clothes and making her splutter. Her body twitched and jerked. Tiny sparks emanated from the now obvious circuitry encircling her throat, and her eyes began to revolve around in their sockets until they slipped into a cross-eyed stance, churning Nancy's stomach. As she malfunctioned, choppy fragments of speech played, "Drink this, it'll make you feel better… the energy that powers the universe… I could eat these plants… guess I just plain forgot… JUST A COUPLE' A SIPS!"
"Now you'll pay," an unholy voice thundered from the android. Her arm snapped up from her side at an unnatural angle. "From the dirty brown bayou to the deep blue sea, Bernie the alligator, I summon thee!" she screamed. The requested reptile clambered into the rather crowded grave with a groan. "My given name is actually Simon Ponji," he yawned. Renee snatched the crystal skull, climbed onto his back like she was mounting a stallion and dug her heels into the creature's sides. "Giddyup, away with ye!" she yelled while stuffing a jumbo marshmallow into his obliging mouth.
Their departure signalled the great stone mechanism above them to start closing. "We're going to be trapped in here!" Henry cried. "Help! Somebody help us!"
Dr. Gilbert Buford appeared at the rapidly closing mouth of the crypt. Catching sight of Nancy, he wiggled his fingers in a little wave and trilled, "Why hello, what a lovely sight you make on this fine evening. Can I help you people?"
"Stop the door from closing! We're going to get stuck down here!" Henry said. The elderly doctor placed his hands on his hips. "Well how am I going to that?" he asked sassily. "I… I don't know," said Henry, defeated.
The stone entrance continued to close and those underground stared wordlessly at the one overhead. Dr. Buford bounced back and forth on the balls of his feet and whistled, looking anywhere but back at them. The last thing they witnessed before the sealing of the crypt was Gilbert casually cracking his knuckles. The atmosphere of awkwardness went on until Bruno's voice in the utter black ventured, "So… I really don't want to share my trail-mix with you guys."
"We don't need your trail-mix. We're going to get out of here," said our favorite teen sleuth matter-of-factly. Lightning flashed throughout the cavern, revealing several tiles on the wall carved with a variety of images. "We're in a sealed underground area late at night with no sources of light, how can we see lightning flash?"
"Laws of light don't apply in Bruno Land, neither do the majority of the laws of logic really."
"I know!" Lamont piped up, "From the intermittent flashes of lightning it looks like each of those tiles has a match! It's like a game of memory! Maybe if we match up all the tiles, then the door will open up again!"
"No one's got time for that crap, Lamont," Nancy said to Lamont, this abuse officially marking Lamont as the most abused computer game character of all time. "We'll use force." In a mad frenzy of sheer Drew power, she kicked in all the tiles until they stayed and the door, fortunately, began to reopen.
They absconded from the crypt, Bruno included and stopped short at the gun pointed in their faces, held by a trembling and sweaty Dr. Buford. "If you know what's good for you, you won't take another step," his voice quavered.
Bruno held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Gilbert, old friend, don't do this. This isn't you. Did Renee put you up to it?"
"This isn't about her, don't you understand? It's so much bigger than her. Bess-"
"What about Bess?" Nancy spat, as she felt delicate wee claws scrabbling up the leg of her jeans, yearning for the ripe juicy loquat in her pocket. She grabbed Iggy and flung the iguana at their assailant. Bruno chortled as Dr. Buford clutched desperately at his face and bellowed. The iguana was currently dressed in his policeman's uniform, and he began beating Gilbert's nose with his miniature club. Meanwhile, Nancy took the opportunity to chase after Renee, following the extremely obvious alligator footprints left behind in the mud. Sprinting, she first heard the revving of a motorboat engine, then the distant crack of a gunshot in the direction from whence she'd come.
She reached Renee, who was just finishing the process of corralling Bernie into her boat. "Stop right there!" Nancy proclaimed righteously. "Hang on, what the heck are you doing? How are you even going to escape, that bayou doesn't lead anywhere!"
Android Renee threw her mechanical head back to the heavens and crowed, "The skull is mine! It wants to be mine!" Neither noticed the burgeoning ripples on the bayou's surface.
"Um, I didn't mention the skull, but it's not yours! Bruno wanted Henry to have it! That's why he hid the painting in Henry's parents' crypt! I think that's it, at least… Things might be a bit different now that Bruno's actually alive and all." A figure was emerging from the shadowy waters…
"I will live forever!"
"You're an android!"
"So?"
"What did you put in the concoction you made me drink at the beginning of the game?"
"Kitty litter!"
"Bess?" interjected Nancy. "Huh?" said Renee. Unbeknownst to the arguing pair, Nancy's BFF-totes-forever had risen from the swamp and slithered onto shore, where she now lazed, twirling the pilfered crystal skull. Her pointed teeth glinted through her predatory grin as she purred, "I distracted Lamont again for you, Nancy. I distracted them all, so now it's just you and me. We can be together when you die."