Kate awoke feeling strange. Castle already left earlier in the morning to fly somewhere – Kate knew where, but not at this early moment – and he would be back in two days. Something about last-minute meetings and that it was easier for him to go there instead of them coming here. He had decided against ending the Nikki Heat series a couple of months ago and instead wanted to postpone it until the right moment came along. They were financially settled and with the release of this "last" novel, a revival would spark much more publicity later down the line.
Rubbing a hand under her stomach and feeling that her pants had scooted down, Kate pulled them up and braced herself for the cold of the apartment. Sliding her feet into stretched out slippers, she went to the kitchen to eat - anything really. An upset stomach for a few days made her nauseous at even the sight of food. Grabbing everything she needed to make a fruit smoothie - and waffles - and maybe a pancake or two - she shuffled around the kitchen, but couldn't shake the looming feeling over her head.
What was she overlooking?
It wasn't about the baby - they still had two months to go - and she would notice if she felt sick, not off.
Blocking it from her mind, she finished making her breakfast and went to sit on the couch while she ate it all. The TV was on, a new obsession since being forcefully placed on maternity leave once again. Normally she would still be at her desk working on anything she could get her hands on, but because the positioning of the baby was slightly concerning, it was "suggested" she spend more time at home. One thing led to another and Gates asked her to take it early. It was disappointing at first, but Castle did point out that things could be worse - she could be on bed rest.
Kate didn't think about it too much. The baby was fine. The positioning "might become too uncomfortable," but it wasn't the baby.
Today was the first day that Castle was back at work – and miles away. Normally he sat in his office, working, but he was still in the apartment - his protective aura pestering Kate throughout the day. They were better. She was talking to him more and he was responding. But Kate still felt being able to reach her feet without straining her already sore back, she left her slippers on, but changed into her "day clothes" which consisted of baggy sweatpants and a zip-up hoodie - not far from what she wore to bed.
"Richard! I left -"
Kate swung out from the bedroom door to see her mother-in-law standing in her foyer.
"Martha?"
"Oh, darling. I thought Richard was home. Did I wake you? I'm so sorry. I should have knocked. Please -"
"No, you didn't wake me, Martha, you're fine," Kate reassured her as she left her bedroom.
"Then what are you doing up? You need to get yourself back into that bed. Sit down, let me get you something."
"I'm fine," Kate said, a smile enforcing her politeness. "Castle left earlier. Did you need him? I can call try his phone..."
"Oh, no, no. That's fine. I just wanted to let him know that I left something upstairs and that I would be taking it today."
"Oh, by all means - " Kate said, gesturing to the stairs, assuming she left it in her room. Martha had moved out, but Castle felt that it was unfair to completely get rid of her presence in the apartment, especially when they had a newborn only a few months away and might need some help.
Martha went upstairs, leaving Kate to uncomfortably wait for her to leave. They had gotten closer from whatever they were before this, but there was always something between them. Shifting from one foot to another, Kate decided to sit down and leave Martha to her own adventure in their guest-turned-storage room.
"Darling, I am not sure where I put it. I'll have to come by another time," she said, bellowing from her room and down the stairs.
Kate sat up on the couch, rotating to try to stand.
"No, don't stand. Sit down," Martha insisted, looming over her from the stairs, "did you eat? Are you hungry – "
" – I did eat, thanks. I was just about – "
"Well let me help with something? It's not everyday that I can help you two with anything around here. I have the day. What do you need done?"
This was the last thing Kate wanted. She looked forward to a day of sleeping here and sleeping there. Taking bubble baths and eating food. With Castle gone, she wanted days of whatever.
"Actually, we're quite – "
"Nonsense. Your tiny body carrying another tiny body – you must have something that you can't finish. And with Richard gone like this?"
"He's not gone. He went to work. Trust me, I'm - "
"Oh! I know. Let me see what the nursery looks like – "
"Um – well, wait!"
Kate rose to her feet as quick as she could, but Martha had already taken off up the stairs.
" – maybe I can put things away. Fold some clothes – "
"Martha, wait!"
"You need something done, my girl, and I'm going to do it."
Kate brushed her hair away from her face as she maneuvered up the stairs – a place where she has avoided for this exact reason.
"Where will it be? Certainty not my old room – "
Standing at the top to take a breath, Kate heard the woman already further down the hallway.
" – there's nothing in there. And Alexis will want her room when she comes back from school, but then there's – "
Kate stopped, knowing what room her mother-in-law just turned into. She was opening the door to the nursery – the empty nursery.
"What is this?"
Kate walked, slowly, to the room that was just four walls and a few windows.
"This is where we will keep the baby, Martha."
"But it's nothing!"
"We hadn't gotten around to it."
"My dear, when were you planning on doing it? When the child could paint it itself?"
It's true. They really needed to figure this out. But now? They didn't have the time. That was wrong. It was just another excuse Kate was making to put off decorating the room. She knew why she wasn't. She didn't tell Castle. She just made it so they were always busy – at least one of them – so they didn't have the time. And when they did, Kate would suddenly receive a dire call to get them back to the precinct.
"We're planning on doing it. Soon."
"I should hope so."
A pause floated around them, making the room seem bigger than the spare bedroom that it was.
"Lets get you back downstairs."
"Do you want anything? Tea? A blanket?"
"I'm fine, Martha, really," Kate said with a laugh.
"Let me get you a blanket."
Martha was off finding something to cover Kate. She was in a world of her own and twenty minutes ago Kate realized that it was easier to let her do what she wanted. She had forced Kate to the couch and continued to sit next to her and channel flip until she found something that she would just love. Stretching her jacket so it fit past her stomach again, she dug her body into the couch so, when she was finally alone, she could mindlessly drift into a world of her own.
"I found you a blanket, but I also found your two hampers, so let me throw it into the wash real quick."
Without the energy to protest, Kate took the blanket and thanked her. She rested her head on the arm of the couch and fell asleep to the noise of the washer being loaded.
She woke to the smell of something baking. Turning her head to see what it was, she saw no sign of Martha. Kate pushed herself off of the couch and arose to her feet. Stretching, and cracking her back, she walked over to oven to find cookies baking on a sheet. Rubbing her stomach where her baby's foot was pushing – hard – Kate walked into the laundry room, but did not find anyone. She wasn't in their bedroom –
Kate was right. Her eyes still adjusting to the room from suddenly waking from a nap, she rubbed them, trying to think of where she would be. Martha wouldn't just leave the oven on without waking Kate –
"Oh, you're up! Good. I was just about to get the cookies out."
Martha entered the loft shutting the door behind her.
"I just emptied the trash real quick. It was getting a little much for the bin…"
Kate just smiled. They walked into the kitchen, Kate sitting at the island and Martha reaching for an oven mitt.
"So, let's find out why you haven't gotten a crib..."
Martha's eyes knew. She put the cookie tray on the top of the oven and took the mitt off.
"We just haven't had time," Kate said, trying to brush it away.
"No, you have time. I walked in and you were here. You're still here and I don't think you're going anywhere. So why is it."
Kate was speechless. The words weren't forming, but that didn't stop her from trying to speak.
"I think I know exactly why."
Martha came around to her side of the island and sat in the chair next to Kate and faced her.
"I think you know why too."
"Uh, Martha, I – "
"No, you don't have to speak. I'm not accusing you of anything. But my son does talk to me, you know."
Suddenly Kate knew what was bothering her. She felt embarrassed.
"He knows you love him. He does. But he's worried, Kate."
Kate adjusted herself in the chair, pulling her sweatshirt down once more.
"Every time I talk to him he tells me something about that little guy in there. Something. Anything. That you felt a kick – not the first time - but the eightieth time. He is so excited and he's afraid that you're not."
The words stabbed her. She knew why she felt off. She had subconsciously understood it from the beginning. Martha grabbed Kate's hand that was resting on her thigh.
"This baby will be fine."
Kate held back her tears, trying to not cry in front of her. Then she'd never leave.
"You can buy a crib, paint the room. We can throw a baby shower and have fun. You and Richard can look at names. You can prepare."
Allowing herself to accept this was hard. She knew she wanted to – needed to – but that was different from knowing how to. The permission that Martha suggested did help, but it didn't work completely.
"We – we are – but, "
"I don't know what you're going through. Few of us do. But you need to force yourself past it so you can enjoy these last two months and then the rest of your life."
Kate tried, hard, to hold down the lump in her throat – the pain radiating from her neck to her chest.
"But – but."
"No, honey. No buts."
"But what if it's in me. What if this strange thing happens again and I have to – I have to let go – I have to – "
She let it out. Her fear that she had danced around for seven months.
Martha took other hand, leaning her head to catch Kate's downward glance.
"I think it will help – to get a crib. Paint the room. Don't you?"
Kate shook her head like a child. She felt like a child.
"But – if we get a crib – and, and – I have to let it go again."
"That fear will be there and it's going to hurt. But one day it will be less and the next day will be even smaller. And then one day it's only a ping of fear – because you will be a mother with a child."
Kate let her tears fall – silent ones. Single tears that were finally breaking through.
"I've been so mean to him, you know? Just horrible."
"You've been understandable."
They sat there, Martha still rubbing her hand and Kate still staring down. The tears fell to her sweatshirt turning some parts dark gray.
"I just – I've put him off through this entire thing. I saw myself doing it and I didn't stop. I didn't know how to," she said, raising her head. "He left this morning. He told me that he was leaving to go to his meetings. But he kissed me on the forehead. I didn't even get up. Before this. Before Aiden – even as friends – I would have sent him a text that was more heartfelt than that."
"Honey, he gets it. You two are telling me the same thing. When he gets home, let him know. Trust me – he will feel better. And you will too."
Kate spent the next two days cleaning the apartment – to a certain extent – trying to keep her mind busy. She was dreading talking to Castle, but knew it had to be done. She wanted to give him something. Something to make up for what they have been going through. He was always talking about the nursery. And when they sat down to think about paint colors, they disagreed. He didn't want to have the common yellow and green because everyone did that. But Kate said it would be good enough until the child gets older and then they can give them a better room.
Kate looked at the time on the stove – he'd be here in an hour. But he's off the plane, probably. She checked her phone, sent him a quick text to make sure he was okay, and set it back down on the table.
Kate sat at the island. Got bored. Moved to the couch. Maybe she'd take a shower? She didn't have time to dry her hair. 45 minutes.
Turning on the television, flipping channels, Kate suddenly became tired again. Moving around all day exhausted her, but adrenaline hid it until now.
"Kate. Kate. Katttee. Wake up," Castle whispered as he nudged her arm.
Kate opened her eyes and rubbed them because they were blurry. She looked over to see him sitting next to her.
"Oh, really! I fell asleep. I was planning on greeting you at the door."
"It's okay. I didn't want to wake you, but I figured if me making noise woke you, you would get worried."
She smiled and sat up.
"How was your trip."
"Long," he emphasized as he stood up to go to the kitchen. "All we did was argue over the release dates and the time frame of the next book."
"Did you get anything done?" she said as she joined him in the kitchen.
"Yes and no. We're closer. We set a date and a theme for the next book."
He was making them something to eat as he spoke. Kate looked at the time. It was already 6:30? He had been late and she didn't even know it. Somehow, she was happy that she missed that.
"What's the new theme?"
"If I tell you, I'd have to kill you."
She laughed.
"No, really. What is it."
"I really can't even tell you because I'm not sure myself. They want to have it like the rest of the books, but not at the same time. Something new, but still a cop chase thing."
"What's new about murder…unless it's the case itself."
"That's what I need to get to them by the end of the month."
She shuffled in her seat. He put down the spoon he was using and walked to her.
"And how is this little guy – "
" – or girl."
" – or girl. What did you two do?"
"Well your mother came by."
His face said it all: Sorry, but why. What was she doing? How long did she stay? Sorry.
"It's fine. She just wanted to pick something up."
"What was it?"
"I don't know. She said she called you."
"She never called me."
"What?"
"She never called me."
"Well she must have thought she did."
"Yea," he said, but he didn't sound convinced.
"But, I have a surprise for you!"
Kate's voice got excited as she wriggled out of the stool.
"Where are you going, sit down."
"Would everyone stop telling me to do that," she laughed.
"What is this surprise," he said, greeting her by wrapping his hands around her sides.
"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?"
Once again I am apologizing for the delayed chapter. Two magazines that I work with published in the same week and I am still a college student with homework.
Here's my little self promotion: - an independent magazine that everyone should definitely check out. I've written a handful of articles, some pertaining to Castle :] And Heat News - heatnewsDOTcastle-theoldhauntDOTfr/ - if you're a castle fan and you haven't checked this out then I might be silently judging you - just a little :] I had the pleasure of editing their latest issue and more to come :]
As for this chapter, what'd you think?
Thoughts?
- Meg