Chapter 13: Solace

His eyes flung wide open, Raphael let out a loud shrieked of terror as he jumped up from underneath the covers of his makeshift bed in his subway car.

He panted heavily, his breath coming out in short, ragged huffs as his face dripped with sweat. He clutched desperately at his blankets as he stared with unseeing emerald eyes at the wall opposite him, his usual green skin turning pale with fright.

Where was he?! This wasn't the alleyway he'd been trapped in! What happened to Shredder and the mutagen?! And…

…wait a second…

He wasn't dead?

Seconds ticked by, and Raph finally realized with a short gasp that he was wide awake.

Little by little, he forced himself to calm down, taking deep breaths and slowing down his rapidly beating heart…which he was surprised to know that it was still beating.

Blinking in shock, he untangled his hands from the mess of blankets and quickly patted different areas around his body. Shell, head, arms, legs, chest, head…he was still whole. He was completely normal, untouched and unchanged. In fact, he was still covered in the bandages from earlier that night that he forgot to change.

The red clad turtle heaved out a heavy sigh of relief as his shoulders slumped. He hadn't melted. There was no mutagen. The Shredder wasn't here. He was still very much alive, and for the time being, he was safe. Everything he'd seen, heard and felt wasn't real. It was just a dream.

"Okay, Raph, calm down…it was a dream," he whispered to himself over again as he rubbed a hand over his sweat drenched face, though his voice was shaking and cracking at the edges, which he inwardly winced at. "...no one's here…it was all just a dream…"

No, that was a lie.

That was not a dream...that was a horrible, horrible nightmare.

Shaking his head, Raph put a trembling hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds of his terrified breaths as he looked down at his bed sheets, his eyes wide and afraid. He fought back the urge to throw up at the memory of what he'd seen. He'd had many nightmares before; they all had, as children, and especially after their first fight with the Shredder. But he never had anything as bloody, or as terrifying, or as real as this ever before.

He brought his hands to his face, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes as he ground his teeth together.

It was as if he could feel the burning pain when the mutagen touched his skin.

It was as if his brothers were actually lying there in that alleyway, dead before his eyes, their bodies horribly slashed, bloody, and disfigured beyond recognition… all because of what he had so foolishly done.

He drew his hands away from his eyes, only to find them slightly damp with salty water. He cursed under his breath as he scrubbed the wetness from his face angrily with the back of his hand, but he knew the dampness would still be there on his mask, clear as daylight for them all to see in the morning.

He hated crying. He hated being seen as weak or fragile. He was supposed to be the one to protect others, not the one that had to be protected…or rescued…

He let his head fall as he stared down at his lap. The fear was still there, but he also felt immensely stupid. Why did he have to be this way? Why did he have to let his anger, his jealousy, or his urge to fight take over him? He'd tried for years, ever since he was a small child, to keep his anger in check, to keep it under a very tight leash, like Leonardo did. But no matter how hard he tried, it just wasn't enough. A simple insult that would normally get a roll of the eyes from Leo or Donnie, would set Raph off like a bullet. A punch or slap in the face would make him snap and retaliate with even more force.

And even a simple argument about who was right and who was wrong, would make him act rashly, and then lead to something he would later regret.

He felt something hard and scaly brush against his left hand on the bed next to him, making him jump a little. He looked down to see Spike nuzzling his large hand comfortingly with his head, making little grumbling sounds from his throat. His golden orbs looked up to meet his masters' harlequin pair, holding his gaze. His snout seemed to turn upwards, as if he were smiling at him reassuringly.

Raph smiled down at the little turtle in return. "...thanks, buddy," he whispered, putting a gentle hand on his shell and patting it soothingly. "You really get it. You always did..."

His smile then faded as he turned his gaze to the door of his train car. His guts were still twisting with anxiety from the visions.

He knew that he wouldn't be able to find peace or go back to sleep until he was sure that his brothers were all there, safe and sound and still breathing…

Snarling to himself, he shook his head firmly, turning away from the door and glaring at the wall opposite him again. He needed to get himself together. It was just another stupid nightmare. His brothers were going to be fine…

But for how long?

The red turtle closed his eyes and sighed in defeat. "I…I know that it wasn't real," he whispered, almost to himself rather than Spike. "…but...I've still gotta make sure..."

Making sure that Spike was comfortable on the side of his bed, Raph took off his covers (after nearly tripping over since his legs were still tangled in the sheets) and he headed towards the door to his subway car, opening them as quietly as he could, not wanting to make too much noise. He tiptoed out of the car, turning again to shut the doors slowly, and nodding to himself at how he'd succeeded in not waking anyone up.

Ninja score.

Hearing muffled voices, Raph looked over to his right, down the long line of subway cars, peering cautiously in case somebody who wasn't supposed to be here had trespassed. He cursed inwardly as he remembered that he'd left his Sai back in his room.

Raph relaxed once he realized that Donatello and Michelangelo's lights were still on at the very end of the line. He guessed they were still awake and just talking about something that Raph couldn't properly hear.

They were still alive...good.

Nodding to himself once, he soundlessly crept along the row of cars and approached the door to Leo's 'room'. Raph sucked in a deep breath, and then let it out again. He would have to be very careful when entering Leo's space during the hours when they'd usually be sleeping; the blue clad turtle was prone to striking out in his sleep with either hidden knives from his wrist wraps or simply grabbing you if you got too close when he was sleeping. It didn't happen often, but it was still a natural reaction for him as a ninja, something they'd all learned at some point or another throughout the years, give or take few close calls.

Shaking the thought off, he reached out and slowly pulled the doors open, peering inside the dark room in search for his brother. He looked down to see Leonardo's sleeping form on the floor, covered in a thick layer of warm blankets that they'd brought from the old lair. Leo's 'bed' consisted of piled up cushions that he'd found from the train car seats, probably preferring to sleep on the floor rather than the uncomfortable chairs.

The bandages around his arm were still there.

Daring to take another step so that he was inside the car, Raphael watched as his brother slept. His left arm was pillowing his head, with his right lying limply beside him. His chest steadily rose and fell as he slept soundly, seemingly oblivious to Raph's presence, for once that is. In fact, Leo seemed totally at peace, but not enough to make Raph think he was dead.

...he was still breathing...good.

He really didn't have anything to worry about after all. His brothers were totally fine. It was just Raph acting like a paranoid child again.

With that, Raph carefully turned to leave Leo to rest, but then he stopped again. Why did he stop? Leo was fine, Donnie and Mikey were fine, so why couldn't he just go back to bed and forget this ever happened?

'Don't kid yourself,' he scolded himself internally as he looked back at Leo again. 'You know exactly why you can't leave, you idiot…you need him, don't you? You need big brothers' comfort, don't you? Just like the child you are…'

As if he'd heard his thoughts, Leo suddenly shifted underneath the blankets, and then after letting out a yawn, he raised his head from his pillows. Blinking slightly in the faint gloom that flooded through the open doors, he looked up to find his second younger brother standing in the doorway, staring at him."...R-Raph?" he slurred tiredly.

Raph stiffened at the sound of Leo's voice, and mentally cursed. Of course he would wake up. Like Master Splinter, Leo could sense anyone's presence even in his sleep, no matter how deep it was, which was why whenever they got too close or touched him, he would sometimes react.

Raph frowned deeply. Dammit Leo.

Shifting his position so that he was on his shell, Leo propped himself onto his elbows as he looked up at his red clad younger brother, who was still stood unmoving in the doorway, looking as if he'd been caught in some kind of act gone awry. At first glance, Leonardo would've thought he'd come in either to draw on his face or misplace his weapons again, but upon looking closer, he realized that wasn't the case.

Raph's eyes looked as if he'd seen a ghost or something far worse during the night.

"What's wrong?" he asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion. "Are you okay? You're looking kinda pale."

Raph opened his mouth to speak, but no words came forth, so he closed it again. Despite everything he'd told himself over and over, he still just found it hard to believe that his brother, the one whom he'd watched be gored in the chest savagely by Shredder before his very eyes, was watching him with the exact same head tilt that he always gave them whenever he was confused or concerned for them.

It was just too surreal to see him still breathing.

He could still hear Leo's voice calling out to him to help him. He could still see the tears of anguish rolling down his cheeks as their younger brothers were dragged away from them and then mercilessly killed, one by one...

He could still see the twin pair of blue eyes, filled with pure fear and pain, before they were closed forever.

Shaking his head to rid himself of the thought, he snapped out of his daze as he instead tried to think up some kind of excuse as to why he was here. He couldn't exactly tell him that he'd had a nightmare and had come to him looking for reassurance; it would make him look like a baby. "I-I...I was...um..." he stuttered, finally tearing his eyes away from his brother after realizing he was staring, and looking down at his feet instead. "Y'know, I was just…checking to see if you were still awake, and stuff. Donnie and Mikey are still up, so…" he trailed off.

His mouth formed a line. He was starting to sound like an idiot.

Correction, he was starting to sound like Mikey.

Silence filed the air between the two of them as Raph looked everywhere that was not Leo, a blush tinting his cheeks in embarrassment. Leo, being the older brother and mind reader that he was, saw straight through Raph's act. He gave him a knowing look. "...nightmare?" he asked simply, raising an eye ridge at his brother.

Unable to think of anything else to say that could possibly help him weasel his way out of this situation, Raph finally relented with a sigh. He simply nodded wordlessly with a little pout of slight discomfiture as he folded his arms defensively over his chest, feeling his pride shatter to a million, tiny pieces. If there was another thing that he absolutely hated about Leo, more than the fact that he always told him what to do, it was the ridiculous way he could easily read them as if they were a comic book. It annoyed him in many ways, but it also meant that he would know when to leave Raph the heck alone when he was in a bad mood, unless he wanted a black eye.

When Raph confirmed his suspicions to be correct, Leo gave him a small, sympathetic smile, ignoring his obvious displeasure. He should've expected Raph to have a nightmare, especially after everything they'd been through that night. And the only way Raph could possibly be at ease was if he went around, making sure they were all still okay. He'd been 'unlucky' enough to be caught by Leo, but he made no move to wave it off and leave…

Leo scooted over slightly to the left, patting the empty space next to him invitingly. "Come on," he offered softly.

Raph lifted his emerald eyes from the floor to look up at his brother, and then at the space he'd made for him. Despite himself, he slowly closed the doors behind him, leaving them both in darkness before their eyes adjusted, and then he made his way over to the 'bed', laying himself down next to Leo and pillowing his head on a soft green cushion. Of course, he would never admit it, but he was still very terrified, and if anything, he was glad for the invitation.

It's pretty much what he came in here for in the first place.

Satisfied (as well as somewhat surprised) that Raph had complied, Leo turned himself around so he could face his red clad brother, resting his chin in his left hand as he propped himself on his elbow. "...you wanna tell me what happened," he asked, though it was more of a command than a question in reality. Raph was usually a closed book all the time, and unless you wanted to get a fist in the face, it was best not to press him for answers when he said 'It's nothing, so bugger off already.'

But Leo understood Raph, to a point, more than anyone else. Besides Mikey, they were the closest in terms of their relationship, and even closer in terms of age. He knew that even if he did want to talk and get something off his chest, he still couldn't allow himself to do it unless he was asked to do so first.

Raph let out a long breath, remaining silent for several seconds before he decided to speak. "...it was the Shredder...and Dogpound and Fishface..." He cursed himself as he felt a lump forming in his throat again, which only made his voice crack and waver. He held it back as much as he could, but now he felt the water slowly sting his eyes again. "We were in an alley, and…Mikey and Donnie…and you..." he stammered, "…they were...I couldn't..."

He felt himself start to slip. He growled as he buried his face into the cushion, hiding himself as the tears began to silently flow.

The whole time Leo watched him, his expression concerned, but fully understanding. Despite being forgiven by everyone for everything that happened, Raph obviously still felt horrible about what he'd done. Leo could hardly blame him, however; it was true that his actions were rash and out of line. He could've gotten them all killed.

But despite all that, Leo had forgiven him without a second thought. Raph was his younger brother; he could never hate him for something like that forever, and the same went for his other two younger brothers. They all made mistakes, himself included. It was just something that, as teenagers still trying to find a place in the world that would never accept them, none of them could really avoid.

It was one of the things that, despite the fact that they weren't, made them more human.

Leonardo heard Raphael sniffle slightly into the pillow. Leo frowned as he watched him. Raph had nightmares all the time, especially when they were younger. He would sometimes come to Leo in the late hours of the night to seek solace, which in his case, meant either just talking about it until he felt better again and went back to his own room, or if it was bad enough for him to want to stay, he would bunk with him for the night. The two would never speak of it again the following morning, with Leo promising never to tell anyone about it. And Raph never showed how he really felt outwardly.

But this time was very different.

He hadn't seen Raph cry over a terrible nightmare since they were small children, and even back then, it was still rare to see him in tears.

Now though, it was far worse.

Without a word, Leo shuffled closer and wrapped his arms around his younger brother, bringing up one hand to stroke the back of his head and the other on his shell as he held him close to his chest. Raph immediately held him back, nearly squeezing the breath out of the older turtle with his strength. He heard Raph's soft gasps and sniffs as he cried silently into his chest.

"Raph, it's okay, it's okay," he said softly as he stroked the back of his head in a soothing manner. "It was just a nightmare. We're not going anywhere. We'd never go down like that, not without a fight, and you know that. And you didn't fail us, Raph. You never have."

He felt Raph nod against him as his grip him tightened.

Leo closed his eyes as he rested his chin atop Raph's head, adding more strength to his embrace. "Otōto nakanaide kudasai..." he soothed in a whisper as he fought back his own emotions as he felt a lump form in his throat. "…Sore wa daijōbudesu..." Leo knew that the use of Japanese would help appease him; it always put them at ease when they were younger, and their father sang them lullabies in his native language. Remembering one of them, he stared to quietly hum the tune, stroking his thumb against Raph's head.

Raphael bit down on his lip as he suppressed the worst of his tears, listening to the gentle tune his brother hummed to him. He hated being seen as pathetic or weak. He was always the tough one, the one with muscle, the resident bad-ass. It had been established ever since they were children, and he'd made sure they all knew that. He was supposed to have nerves of steel; he was supposed to be the protector. But here he was, crying to his big brother like a child, all because of a nightmare.

But right now that didn't matter. He didn't care about looking weak or being strong anymore. All that mattered was that his brother was still there to give him that comfort he so desperately needed right now.

And only hours earlier, he'd almost lost all of them, forever.

Leo opened his eyes again and craned his neck to look down at his brother, his humming drawing to an end as Raph's tears began to lessen. "...you wanna stay here tonight?" he asked him softly.

"Yes." Raph answered without hesitation, yet his voice still cracked.

Leo let out a soft chuckle. "Okay, little brother," he whispered. "And don't worry; I won't let the others know about this one either."

He then settled himself into a more comfortable position whilst still not letting go of Raph, covering them both with the blanket as they settled down underneath the warmth and safety of each other's embrace. He closed his eyes as he held his brother close to him, keeping the contact at all times.

After a long moment of silence, just before sleep overtook Leo once again, Raph whispered something to him, something so soft that it was nearly inaudible, but loud enough to make Leo's eyes snap open in astonishment.

"...I love you, bro."

Leo smiled as he closed his eyes again.

"I love you too, little brother."

A/N: You really thought I killed them, didn't you? :D

I tried to make this chapter as long as I could, but in the end, I just ended up cutting a lot of stuff out. I liked writing this one, though like I said, I wish I could have made it much longer.

I hope you are all enjoying this. More chapters soon.

P.S: I hope I got the Japanese translation right. Leo was saying, "Please don't cry, little brother. It's okay." Just in case no one knew, or I got the translation wrong.