Kate looked around her: the pink rug on the wooden floor, the hanging quilt on the wall, the chocolate-brown crib she was leaning on. Her arms slouched on the edge; she looked at her daughter asleep below her. Her bright eyes shut, moving underneath – her brown hair in thin wisps across her forehead.
Her hand inches away from the tiny one that matched it. She had been here since her daughter had fallen asleep – too tired to stand, but too engrossed to leave. Nothing was wrong with her. She was perfect.
Kate tilted her head to the side, resting it on the edge of the crib – her hand now covering Nora's – and eyed the dresser to her left. Pictures that Castle had taken were sitting on top – pictures of her pregnancy, of Nora's first day home –one of Aiden - sitting under the lamp.
Nora had a brother, and Kate was learning how to accept it, even though it still hurt to see the baby's picture - to see her youngest child growing older than her first.
A few weeks ago she had brought up the topic with him, discussing how it was making her feel, and Castle, being the exact man that she married, continued to tell her it was okay and that they would figure it out as they went along. It was comforting to know that he knew how she felt - even though she didn't know what he had gone through - but to understand the loss of someone they never met.
Kate stretches her hands to fit inside Nora's fists. The soft feel of a baby's sleeping hand become Kate's favorite since Nora had slept through the night. They had been blessed with a happy baby. And a tired one. Nora began sleeping on her own at 3 ½ months old, and from the looks of the doctors, that was thankfully early.
But even though her daughter was still young, Kate saw how Nora's face was changing, how her legs were longer and her body was rounder – how she was becoming this little person and no longer a crying, lovable squish that she had to feed every couple of hours. Her eyes had focused, her face realizing who was holding her. And Kate started to think about the years to come. Nora will be happy. A child who will go to school, make friends, see things and learn things for the first time. She could try out an instrument or start a sport. Maybe both. Castle would make sure she did whatever she liked. And she would know good movies. Not just the classics, but really worthy films that would stick with her. And Kate would see when her daughter would find a passion and her eyes lighting up when she knows what she wants to do.
Nora will be happy. But Nora will simply be Nora: a single child with an older sister. But an older sister who acts like a parent. By the time Nora becomes a child Alexis will be on her own and Nora will be in the house by herself.
But Kate looked at the possibility of having more children with exhaustion. She saw terror and fear. And regret. Regret of putting her family through pain – her future child through a fate that they did not decide. That none of them wanted but were forced to deal with.
They never asked the doctor why these things happened to them. Why Kate's body expressed pregnancy and delivery in a way that was detrimental to everyone.
Kate looked back at her sleeping daughter deciding to leave her be for now. Leave her in her new room.
"Are you sure she's ready to be on her own?" Kate worried, holding her young child in her arms.
Wrapped in a white blanket, looking confusingly at the lights above her, Nora is introduced to the upstairs of the loft for the first time.
"Kate, the book says that she is. And she is sleeping a lot. And Alexis was only one month older when she moved into her room at my first place. It's time."
"But what if she needs me?"
"We will hear her. The monitor is set up and it's loud. I tested it."
"Castle – but – what if we can't get there quick enough? What if she needs me and she isn't okay and she starts doing something and I can't make it all the way up here quick enough."
"She's not that far away, Kate. She's in the closest room to the stairs," Castle reassured her, rubbing her arms and framing his new family between his arms.
"And if there is something so terrible that she needs you that very minute, I will bust down everything in my way. I will run and only touch one step to get to her."
Kate's face looked up from her child's and into his - her eyes having tears in them expressed by rooted fear.
"Kate, she's okay. You're not alone. Both of you are with me. We can do this."
Kate shook her head agreeing with him and focusing on his reassurance.
They entered the room – the one that Kate and Castle only had done a week ago after everyone had met the baby and pushed them to make a nursery. They couldn't explain to them why they didn't have one yet. Why they only had pieces done and nothing complete.
Kate put Nora down inside the crib – a new smell to her room – and looks as her daughter absorbed her new environment.
They stand there, looking over the crib, for a while. Well into the night and as Nora fell asleep. Looking at her and how she moved.
"Kate? It's time to go to sleep."
"I can't leave her, Castle. I need – "
Castle rubs her shoulders as he stands behind her.
"We have our own room."
Kate turned around and leaned her back against the wall of the crib. She didn't say anything, but put her hands on his chest and breathed slowly. Her eyes never met his, but she focused on leaving her child alone for the first time.
"Kate, are you ready?"
Finally, bringing her eyes up, she shakes her head and gives a faint smile.
"She will need us soon anyway."
"I know. But it's different. I was right next to her."
"Climbing those stairs might get so old that she will end up back in the bassinet in our room."
Kate leaves the nursery and walks down the stairs to find Castle sitting in front of the television, flipping channels.
He hears her walking down the stairs, her socks making soft noises with each step.
"Did she go down easily?"
"Yeah, I wanted to stay up there a while longer."
She walks around the couch to sit next to him and as she does, he turns off the TV and puts his phone on the table.
"What are you doing?"
"What do you want to do?"
Kate smiles, leaning in closer to his shoulder.
"I want to sit here."
To explain this chapter: This is half of a chapter. I had some asking if I was finishing this story, and of course I am. I will never leave a story hanging. But I have been very busy - although it might not seem like it if you follow me on twitter :] I thought I would give you what has been sitting on my computer for a week.
Thank you for sticking with me. For those wondering - Heat News 5 is coming out soon! And the articles have been translated from French to English and now I am editing them. Also, I am working with a new website ( paid!) and then I will be reviewing some summer shows with another website - everything is found on my twitter meggh11
I love you all for reading and, more importantly, for sticking with my crazy schedule. This story should be wrapping up soon and I want to continue it - but what stage in their lives is up to you (do you want it before this one, in the middle of the two...)
As some of you know, I always answer your questions on twitter and on tumblr (stillcatchingupDOTtumblrDOTcom)
Thank you,
Meg