Chapter 20: I'm Ready
Olivia sat on her couch with a beer and the remote flipping through the channels. Her phone started ringing and she looked at the name on the caller id. When she saw that it was Rae calling she hit decline and sent the call to voicemail. She figured she'd just call back so she turned her phone off. She couldn't believe she was calling her after what she'd seen earlier. "She has another girl at her apartment, kisses her goodbye, and then starts texting me a couple hours later? And now she's calling?" Olivia thought. She was angry. She was...she was...jealous. Rae had said she wanted to be with her. She said she wouldn't stop trying to get Olivia to let her gaurd down and give in to her feelings. Now she was kissing other girls leaving her apartment after they'd presumably spent the night together. After seeing that, Olivia decided to call Alex. She happened to be free for the day so they went to lunch and a movie and now Olivia was back at home alone. She eventually turned her tv off deciding it was time for her to go to bed. She turned her phone back on in case she needed to be reached for work and saw that Rae had left a voicemail. She ignored it and padded into her bedroom to retire for the evening.
Her alarm woke her the next morning at seven thirty. She showered and got dressed for work. She had extra time to spare so she decided she'd stop and pick up coffee for herself and the guys. She checked her phone as she walked to her car and saw the voicemail that she'd neglected to listen to. She got in her car and started her drive to the coffee shop and tried to take her mind off of the message that Rae left her. She arrived at the coffee shop, parked and turned her car off. She picked up her phone not able to avoid the urge to listen to the message any longer. She hit the button to call her voicemail and heard it say she had one unheard message. Then she was greeted by that sweet voice she loved to hear.
"Hey, Liv. It's me Rae. I've... ummm...I've been trying to talk to you all day and you haven't responded and now you're sending my calls to voicemail. Did I do something wrong? Because if I did, whatever it is, I'd like to fix it. So please call me back and talk to me. Ok? Bye."
Once the message was finished she heard the options to delete, save, or replay the message. Olivia hit the button to replay and listened a second time. She got angry at the question of if Rae did something wrong. "Of course you did something wrong", Olivia thought to herself. "You think you can just lead people on while you do whatever you want behind their back." She got more and more angry as she thought about Araeyah with another woman. She hit the button to delete the message and got out of her car to head inside the coffee shop. She got to the front of the line and ordered her coffees. When she tried to pay the woman at the counter told her that her bill was taken care of. Olivia remembered what Rae had said about her being tight with the owner. She insisted on paying for her coffees but the woman at the register refused to take her money. Olivia finally gave up and walked out of the coffee shop. She had gotten to her car when she heard someone call out her name. "Shit", she thought recognizing the voice. She turned and saw Rae walking towards her. She looked beautiful as always in a grey off the shoulder sweater that said Hollywood in black letters, jeans, and short black boots. Olivia opened her car door and sat the coffees on the passenger seat before standing up and facing Rae.
"Hey. I texted and called you yesterday", she said looking up at Olivia. Olivia loved how short Rae was. She would think all the time about how Rae would have to stand on her tip toes to kiss her. "Did you get my message?" she asked.
"Yeah. I did." Olivia's tone made Rae flinch. She was kurt and unemotional. It made her nervous. "Well, what's going on? Why won't you talk to me?" she asked. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me what's going on."
"I don't know. We talked Saturday and I thought everything was fine and then yesterday you completely ignored me. I texted you and you didn't respond and when I called, you sent me to your voicemail. I don't get it." Rae wasn't amused by how Olivia was acting. She wanted Olivia to be straight with her and just tell her what was going on and here she was playing a guessing game. "And she thinks I'm the kid", Rae thought to herself.
"You know I really don't have time to talk about this. I have to get to work and you really should stop skipping school." Rae scoffed at her remark about her "skipping school". "I do not skip school. I told you I have two free periods in the morning." Olivia ignored her and turned to get in her car. She went to shut her door but Rae stopped her. "What about after work? Will you have time to talk to me then?" Rae waited for Olivia to answer. "Rae I really have to go." she said trying to dodge the question. Rae wasn't having any of that. "Then tell me when you'll have time to talk to me and I'll move." Rae stood there and blocked Olivia from closing her door. Olivia remained silent. "I don't have to be to school for another hour so I can wait for you to think about it." She couldn't believe Olivia was doing this. It was the first time since they met that she found her behavior to be unattractive. She stood there waiting for her to say something but nothing came out. "Olivia!" she yelled leaning down into her car. Olivia's head turned and her eyes meet Rae's. She could see how hurt Rae was by her not talking to her. That just made her more angry. She was the one who should feel hurt, not Rae. "I saw you", she said not breaking eye contact with Araeyah. She saw the confusion in her eyes. "Yesterday. I came by your apartment to ask if you wanted to spend the day with me and I saw you outside with another girl." Olivia said clarifying what she was talking about. Rae's eyes fell as she realized what Olivia was talking about. "I saw you kiss her." Olivia said sadly. "Olivia", Rae started to explain but she was cut off when Olivia spoke again. "Don't. Don't try to explain. You lied to me. You said you wanted to be with me and I believed you." she said. Her voice was laced with anger.
Rae's eyes snapped back up to Olivia's. She was furious. "I never lied to you. I was very clear about how I felt about you. How I still feel about you. You were the one who was unsure about being with me." Olivia opened her mouth to speak but Rae was finished. "No labels, no pressure, no expectations remember? That's what you agreed to. That's what you wanted. Now you're jealous becuase you saw me kiss someone else!?" Olivia couldn't say anything. "I don't have any obligations to you Olivia. I can do whatever I want. You have my number right? You call me when you want to change that." Rae stood up and slammed Olivia's door shut and walked away into the coffee shop. Olivia was stunned by Rae's anger but she had to admit that she was right. She had no right to be angry or jealous or hurt. It was her fault that they weren't together. She had let her insecurities get in the way. She took a deep breath and tried to collect herself. She started her car and pulled off the lot heading to work. She walked in and immediatley caught grief.
"Benson, you're late" Cragen said as she walked by his office. "I know Captain. I'm sorry", she said as she walked to her desk. "I thought I had more time so I stopped for coffee." She walked over and handed him a cup. "Don't let it happen again", he said taking the cup and holding it up as to say thanks. "Got it." She walked back to her desk and told the guys to come get their coffees before sitting down to start on her mound of paperwork. The time passed quickly and before she knew it was lunch. She grabbed her jacket, wallet, phone, and keys and headed for the elevator without saying a word to anyone. Elliot rushed to catch up with her.
"Hey, where you going for lunch? Mind if I tag along?" he asked not giving her time to answer the first question before asking the second. "Uh...I'm not going to eat. I actually have something to take care of." she said. That wasn't completely true. She was going to eat but she also had something to take care of. That's if Rae was open to meeting her for lunch. "Oh what's that?" Elliot asked as they stepped onto the elevator. He always wanted to know everything and sometimes it was really annoying. "Uh, its just...it's...personal." Olivia said trying to avoid explaining things to Elliot. "Anything I can help with?" he asked sounding concerned. "No. I can handle it." He looked at her as if he wasn't convinced she was telling the truth. "Really Elliot. I'm fine." He held his hands up, "Ok. Let me know if you change your mind." They exited the elevator and walked out together before going their seperate ways. Olivia knew that Rae would be going to lunch soon so she sent her a text asking if they could meet. Rae replied a couple minutes later saying that she was going to lunch with friends. Olivia was disappointed until a moment later when she recieved at second message.
I'm free to meet you for dinner later if you want.
Olivia smiled at the message and typed her reply.
Dinner would be great. I'll pick you up at seven thirty.
Even though it was a slow day, the time passed quickly and Olivia left the squad room at six o'clock. She made sure to avoid Elliot so she wouldn't have to answer any questions about what she planned to do with her evening. She went home and changed into a purple blouse and black slacks. She decided on a pair of black flats thinking about how short Rae was; she didn't want to tower over her. She left her house at seven to make it to Rae's apartment on time. She arrived and decided to go up to her apartment to get her instead of calling for her to come down. She knocked and a moment later Rae answered the door. She looked gorgeous. She wore the same grey top from earlier but she had taken off her jeans and pulled the shirt down to a dress that stopped at her mid thigh. She dressed it up with a red necklace and earrings, a red clutch, and red stiletto heels. She had straightened her hair and pinned it back on one side with a red orchid. Rae blushed at the way Olivia stood there staring at her.
"You look...you look beautiful" Olivia said finally finding the words to speak.
"Thanks. So do you." Rae said still blushing. She stepped out of her apartment and locked the door behind her before securing her keys in her purse. They walked down to Olivia's car and she opene the door for Rae and then shut it once she was inside. She took a deep breath as she walked around to the driver's side and got in. The drive was silent and quite uncomfortable. They finally arrived at the restaurant and walked inside. Olivia had made reservations so they were seated right away. She ordered a bottle of red wine and asked for time to look at the menu.
"I hope you like Italian", Olivia said finally breaking the silence between them. Rae smiled, "I do. Italian's great." They looked over the menu in silence before waving the waiter over. He came over bringing the bottle of wine Olivia had ordered and sat it in the middle of the table. Olivia ordered the fettucine and Rae decided on the minstrone soup and a vegetarian lasagna. He took their menus and retreated from the table. Olivia opened the bottle wine and filled both of their glasses before returning it to the bucket to sit on ice.
"You're giving me wine?" Rae asked amused. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't even ask what you'd like." Rae could see that Olivia was genuinely sorry for not getting her request. She laughed lightly. "Olivia it's fine. I like red wine. I'm just surprised that you poured me glass seeing as how you're a cop and I'm not twenty one."
"Well it's not like I don't already know you drink."
"Yeah but we're in public" she said. "I won't tell them if you won't" Olivia whispered remember Rae's remark from an earlier conversation. "Touche", Rae said picking up her glass and taking a sip. "So..." she said returning her glass to the table. "So...what?" Olivia said. She was really nervous about what she planned to say to Rae tonight but she knew she had to say it. She just had to find the courage to do it. "So I kinda blew up at you today" Rae said. They both laughed remembering the arguement they'd had earlier. "Yeah, you did but...I deserved it. I was out of line. I'm embarrassed of the way I acted. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that." Olivia said looking into Rae's eyes. "It's ok."
"No. No it's not ok. You were right. I was insecure and I let it stop me from doing what I felt I really wanted to do. Seeing you with that other girl, whoever she is...I mean it doesn't matter who she is but seeing you with her...it just cemented what I already knew. I don't want to just go through the motions with you anymore, Rae. I want whatever you have to offer. I want to be with you." It wasn't exactly what Olivia had planned to say but it did the job of getting her feelings across. "I'm ready to be with you...that is if you'll still have me." Rae let out a little laugh at the last part of Olivia's little monolouge. She was ecstatic to hear Liv finally express her feeling for her. There was no hesitation or any indication that she was unsure. "Of course I will." she said smiling sweetly. Olivia returned the smile and reached across the table taking Rae's hand in her own.
Their food arrived and they ate and talked and laughed together. They each had two glasses of wine and decided to share a chocolate cake for dessert. They felt so comfortable together. Everything was easy and natural, like they'd been doing this for years. The check finally came and Rae started to pull her credit card from her purse. Olivia stopped her, "It's ok. I've got this." Rae looked at her and shook her head. "You don't have to do that."
"I know I don't. I want to. This is my treat. I asked you out. I pay." Olivia said firmly. "Ok." Rae put her card away. When the bill was paid they walked to the car hand in hand. Olivia opened Rae's door again and allowed her to get in. On the drive back to Rae's apartment, Rae turned on the radio and flipped through the stations before settling on a Martina McBride song. She started to sing softly to herself. "I didn't know that you sing." Olivia said talking over the music. "There's a lot you still don't know about me." Rae said. "Well I hope you'll sing for me sometime", she said glancing over at Rae. "Maybe I will."
Olivia pulled into the parking lot of Rae's building. They got out of the car and Olivia walked her to her door. The akwardness that they'd began the night with returned as they both thought about how this date should end. "I had a great time Olivia", Rae said looking up at her. Even with heels on she was still a bit shorter than her. "Me too. I hope we can do this again soon." Olivia was biting the inside of her lip. She wanted to kiss Rae good night but she didn't want to move too fast. "Me too", Rae said softly. "Just kiss me already" she thought to herself. Olivia thought the same thing and she began to lean down to kiss Rae good night. Just then the door across the hall opened and Paul, her nosey neighbor, stuck his head out of his door.
"Rae?" he asked. "As if he doesn't already know it's me", she thought to herself. "Asshole. Just ruined the perfect moment."
"Hi Paul", she said looking down at the floor.
"Oh. You have company." he said. "Really. You do this shit every time I have company",she continued thinking in her head.
"Yeah. I do" Rae said trying to hide her annoyance. She took her keys out of her purse and opened her door. "Well, sorry I interupted. Good night."
"Yeah, good night." she said quickly trying to get rid of him. He went back inside his apartment and shut the door. Rae rolled her eyes as she stepped over the threshold of her place. "Paul. Gotta love him." she said sarcastically. Olivia chuckled. She leaned down and kissed Rae on the cheek. "Good night. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Ok. Good night." Olivia turned and headed down the stairs. Rae shut and locked her door before heading to her room to get ready for bed thinking to herself, "Damn it Paul. I can't fucking stand you!"