Chapter 55: We Need to Talk
The next morning, Rae's alarm went off at six forty five waking her and Olivia. She got up and went straight to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. Olivia had a little more time than Rae before she had to leave so she went into the kitchen and put coffee on and made something quick for breakfast. Rae came out of the bedroom ten minutes later dressed and carrying her bag for school on her shoulder. She sat her bag by the door and went to make her cup of coffee. She made one cup in a coffee mug and another in her traveler's cup. She sat the traveler's cup on the end of the counter nearest the door and took the mug to the table with her to sit and eat breakfast with Liv. She ate quickly because she needed to leave the apartment by seven thirty to make it to class on time.
"Nervous?" Olivia asked. Rae thought for a moment before answering. "No" she said simply, "It can't be too different from high school, right?" she asked. Olivia shrugged her shoulders, "Well it's bigger. There's gonna be a lot more people and a lot more work and professors who are a lot less accepting of excuses" she said. "Well that's fine because I like people and I've never made any excuses" she said getting up from the table. She took her plate and coffee mug to the kitchen and sat them in the sink. The clock on the stove read seven twenty three so she was right on schedule to get to class on time. "I have to go". She walked back over to Olivia who was still sitting at the table and gave her a kiss goodbye. "Call me later. I want to know how your first day back goes". She placed another quick kiss on her lips before walking over grabbing her coffee and bag and heading out the door. Olivia took her dishes to the kitchen and went into the bedroom to get ready for work. Twenty minutes later, she was walking out the door.
The week was going by quickly for both Rae and Olivia. Olivia was glad to be back at work and everyone was just as glad to have her back. The team fell right back into their usual rhythm as if she had never been away. She hit the ground running when a case came in within the first couple hours of her shift. By Wednesday, they had another victim and didn't seem any closer to finding the perp. Rae was loving college so far. She liked all of her classes and her professors were all really nice. Her days really seemed to fly by and before she knew it she was pulling up outside the high school for her first day at her after school tutoring job. She saw Officer Petty but managed to avoid him and go straight to Ms. Page's classroom.
"Hi" she said quietly. The students were already seated at their desks working. "Am I late?" she whispered. "No, you're right on time" Ms. Page said smiling. "Everyone can I have your attention please?" she said interrupting the students. "This is Araeyah Caston and she going to be helping during these tutoring sessions. I'm sure a lot of you may know or recognize her from around school. She just graduated last semester. Just because I'm your teacher doesn't mean you can't ask her for help. She's more than capable of answering any questions you may have so don't hesitate to use her knowledge". The students all nodded their understanding. "Good, so if you have any questions just raise your hand and one of us will come and help you. Get back to work". She pulled a second chair over to her desk before sitting down in her own. Rae sat down next to her and put her bag on the floor.
"Are these all calculus students?" she asked leaning closer trying not to be too loud. She knew Calculus wasn't the only math class Ms. Page taught. She shook her head, "Some of them are from my freshman algebra class and a few others are from honors geometry but the majority are calculus students". Rae looked over and saw that she was grading papers. "There's only been three days of classes and you're already grading tests?" she asked. Ms. Page gave a little chuckle, "They're only assessments. It helps me feel out where I need to start to best suit the majority of my students" she explained.
"I can help you. With the grading, I mean. The lesson planning is all you". Ms. Page chuckled again and gave her a stack of papers to start on. "Do you have any particular way you want these done?" she asked. She remembered that she usually gave some leeway for the students who showed their work. It allowed for her to give partial credit where students made little mistakes but clearly understood the material. "You remember how your papers were graded don't you?" she asked. Rae nodded her understanding and got to work. She glanced up occasionally to check for any raised hands. In entire two hour session, she only helped one student with a question. That student was one of only two who had raised their hand for help. She got home that evening just after seven thirty. Olivia was still working and wasn't answering any of her calls or texts. It wasn't unusual for her responses to be delayed while she was working but she'd never not gotten back to her at all. She was starting to wonder if Olivia was ignoring her on purpose and if she was, she wanted to know why.
Captain Cragen let the team go at seven because they were all tired and weren't really making any progress. He sent them home to get some rest and told them to come back bright and early the next morning, ready to work. They gathered their things and left before he could change his mind. Olivia gave Alex a call and asked if she had time to talk. She said that she was free and invited Olivia over to her place. Alex let her right in when she arrived and offered her a drink which Olivia happily accepted. They went over and made themselves comfortable on the couch.
"So how was your weekend getaway?" Alex asked taking a drink from her glass.
"It was great. We had a great time" Olivia said. Alex noticed the sadness in her voice and figured it had something to do with what Olivia wanted to talk to her about. "Ok, so why the long face?" she asked. "Did you and Rae get into an argument about something?". Olivia quickly shook her head from side to side. "No. Rae's great. She's...she's perfect". Her voice trailed off to a whisper and she looked down into the glass of amber liquid in her hands. "Then what is it? Why do you sound so sad about a vacation that went great and a girlfriend that's perfect?". Alex could only think of two things that could have Liv in such a bad mood, work and Rae. She knew the case they were working on wasn't going well but it was still early in the investigation. Since she said there was no argument with Rae, she was at a loss for what could possibly be bothering her friend. "Come on, Liv. Spit it out" she said after a minute of silence. "What's bugging you?".
"I have to break up with Araeyah?" she said abruptly. Alex just stared at her not sure what to say. She thought for a second that Olivia might be joking but the look on her said she was dead serious.
"Wha...Why? You just said she's perfect. Why would you break up with her?" Alex asked confused. Olivia downed the rest of her drink and sat her glass on the table. Without warning she leaned forward and crashed her lips onto Alex's. Alex was so caught off guard it took her a second to register what was happening. Once her brain caught up to the moment, she pushed Olivia away. "Olivia, what are you doing?" she asked slightly yelling. "Isn't it obvious?" she asked trying to kiss her again. Alex pushed her back and stood up from the couch. "Olivia, I don't know what's going on with you but you need think about what you're doing". Alex couldn't believe that Olivia had just kissed her. Olivia ran her hands through her hair in distress leading Alex to think that she couldn't believe she'd just kissed her either. She sat back down on the couch, "What's going on, Liv?"
"Everything would be so much easier if it were you" she said softly. "If I could be with you and be in love with you it would all be so...easy". She looked across the couch at Alex, "I mean...I didn't mean..." Alex shook her head, "It's ok. I know what you mean" she said. "But I'm still confused about why you want to end things with Rae. You knew when you two started out that it would hard for you, that people would difficult and disapproving and that they wouldn't understand. I thought you were past all that. You said you didn't care what people thought or what they said". Olivia nodded remembering that she'd said all those things. "Yeah, I did but things have changed". Alex finished her drink and sat her glass on the table next to Olivia's. "What things?" she asked wanting to understand her friend's sudden change. "What's changed? Has Rae changed? Have you changed?" she asked firing off questions. "No" Olivia answered quickly. "Then what? Why break up with her?"
"Because it's the right thing to do". Alex looked at her with confusion plastered on her face. Olivia took a deep breath, "Soraya pulled me aside to talk to me when we were at the New Years party. She told me how guilty she felt about everything Rae was forced to do when she was young and her growing up so fast. She said that now that she had the chance the be young and take time for herself that she really wanted her to have that opportunity and that it would never happen if she stayed with me" she said explaining her feelings. "She's right. You heard everything Rae said at the party. Everything she had to deal with, all the time she lost. She's still young and now is her chance to get some of that time back. She shouldn't be settling down with someone twice her age. I'm in the way" she said sadly.
"Oh Liv, you don't really believe that do you? Do you really think that if you break up with her she'll take time off from school, stop working and start doing things she wanted to do as a kid? You really think she'll stop doing everything she's grown accustomed to? Rae is who she is and she's gonna be herself whether she's with you or not". In her opinion, what Olivia was thinking of doing was a mistake and Alex hoped that she could say something to change her mind. "I don't know if she'll change but I'll never know if I don't give her the chance". Alex knew that Olivia had made up her mind and there was nothing she could say to change it. She was going to break up with Araeyah. "Well, you have to do what you think is best but I have to tell you that I think you're making a huge mistake, Liv. I just hope that it's one you'll be able to fix". Olivia decided that it was time for her to go. She wanted to go home and have some time by herself to think. She sent Rae a text that she'd be staying at her apartment for the night and that she'd call her tomorrow. She went home and took a relaxing bath before going to bed.
The next day the squad got a break in their case. The perp attacked a woman who fought back and was able to get away. She scratched him and they were able to get DNA from under her nails. She was also able to sit down with a sketch artist and give them a description of the man they were looking for. They hoped that things would be made easy and they'd find his DNA in the system. Rae went to class and then to the high school for work and met up with the band afterward for rehearsal. She hadn't talked to Olivia much all week and she was looking forward to the call she'd said she would give her in the text she'd sent the night before. It was getting late and she'd still not gotten a call from Olivia so she decided to call her. Her phone went straight to voicemail but she decided not to leave a message. She finished up her homework and graded the stack of papers Ms. Page had given her then went to bed. The next day she went to class and then to work and still got no calls or texts from Olivia. She walked through her front door at eight o'clock and saw Olivia sitting on her couch.
"Hey!" she said excitedly. She dropped her bag by the door and went over to sit next to her girlfriend on the couch. She noticed immediately that Olivia seemed upset about something and just assumed that it was work. It hurt her feelings a little that Olivia wasn't as excited as she was to see her. She gave her a kiss but Olivia didn't seem like she wanted to kiss her back. "What's wrong?". Olivia couldn't meet her eyes. She just stared at her hands sitting in her lap. "Is it work? The case you're on?" she asked.
"No, we wrapped up that case today. We got the guy" she said quietly. "Well, that's good right?". Olivia silently nodded her head. "So, what's wrong?". Rae didn't understand why Olivia was in such a bad mood. "We need to talk". Rae had always heard that those four words weren't what a person in a relationship ever wanted to hear. She took a deep breath, "Ok. So talk to me. What's wrong?" she asked for the third time in less than five minutes. Olivia sat quietly for a moment, gathering the courage to say what she wanted to say.
"I love you" she said softly. Rae smiled and laughed softly, "I love you too". She tried to kiss Olivia again but she pulled away and turned her body to face Rae. She looked her in the eyes and took a deep breath, "I think we should take a break" she said with no confidence at all. Rae wasn't sure that she heard Olivia right. "What?" she asked. "I just...I". Olivia had thought hard about how to tell Rae that she wanted to end things but now that she was sitting in front of her, she couldn't think of a single thing to say. "You're breaking up with me?" she asked in disbelief. "No" Olivia said quickly even though that was exactly what she was doing. Deep down she absolutely didn't want to. "I just...I think we should take a break" she repeated. "Why?"
"Because I...it's just...things are getting really hectic and I just think we should put this on hold...for a little while". Olivia was mentally slapping herself for the explanation she was giving Rae. It wasn't any where close to what she had practice in her mind in the hours before Rae came home. "But we talked about this, Olivia. I asked you if we would be ok and you said we'd be fine. We both said that we wouldn't let out busy schedules get in the way of us". Rae surprisingly wasn't angry at all. She hoped to reason with Olivia and get her to change her mind. "I know that but things have changed" she said softly. "You're lying" Rae said simply, "You can't even look at me. What's really going on Olivia because it's not our schedules". She was starting to get angry now. Not because Olivia wanted to take a break but because she was lying to her about why.
"I kissed Alex" she said abruptly. She looked her in the eyes so that she knew she was telling the truth. In that moment, Rae felt like someone had just punched her in the chest. "That's why you don't want to kiss me? Because you've been kissing Alex?" She scooted away from Olivia on the couch. "Did you have sex with her?" she asked nervously. "No" she answered quickly," and the kiss was just once. Araeyah, I...I'm sorry. I just...I've been so confused and I just thought...I don't know what I thought". Olivia was trying hard to put her thoughts together and Rae was trying hard to keep her composure. "Ok, that's not true. I just thought that if I could be with Alex then people would be more accepting and everything would be so much easier".
"So, you're leaving me...for Alex...because it'll be easier to be with her than me?" she asked trying to understand what Olivia was saying. "No. I'm not leaving you for Alex. I...It's just...I can feel it everyday when I walk in the precinct. Everyone knows that I was suspended and why and they all look at me differently." What she was saying was true. Those were her feelings but of course those feelings had nothing to do with her wanting to break up with Rae.
"Olivia, you were the one who wanted to tell people about us. I said that I would wait as long as you wanted. Even when you got suspended I was the one who wanted you to tell them that we weren't together and you said no. You said that you wanted both me and your career and that everything would be fine. Now you want to take a break because of what people at work think about you?". Rae knew that Olivia was lying and it was pissing her off. She had been nothing but honest with her their entire relationship and this is how she wanted things to end, with lies. Then it dawned on her. "Oh my god" she said as she started to think how Olivia had been acting over the past week, starting with their trip to the cabin. She remembered how she'd been lost in her head the night before they left. How emotional she'd gotten when they were in bed, how she'd stared at her when they were on the ski lift, and how she'd been ignoring her all week. It all made sense now. "How long have you been thinking about this?" she asked. "What?" Olivia asked as if she didn't understand the question. "How long...have you been thinking about taking a break from our relationship?". Olivia just sat there like Rae hadn't asked her anything. She got up from the couch and sat down on the coffee table so that she was face to face with her.
"Be honest with me. This isn't about Alex or work. I don't know what this is about but I know it's not either of those things. You can tell me or you can not tell me but don't lie to me. You don't want to just take a break. You've been thinking about this for a week, probably longer than a week". The hurt in Rae's voice was breaking Olivia's heart and she wanted to just tell her to forget she'd said anything; that she just had a moment of doubt. That she changed her mind and she didn't want to take a break but she knew that after everything she'd already said it was too late to go back. "You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" Olivia still avoided looking at her. "Look at me" she whispered. Olivia hesitantly met her eyes, "Are you breaking up with me?" she asked again.
"Yes. I love you...so much but I think it'd just be better, easier for both of us if...if we just dated people our own age." she answered softly. She saw the tears start to form in Rae's eyes and immediately wanted to take her answer back. Rae got up from the table and turned her back to her, running her hands through her hair. "I'm sorry" she heard Olivia say from behind her. She felt her hand on her shoulder and instantly moved away from her touch. "Don't touch me" she said harshly. She turned around to face her, "You said you'd never hurt me. You lied" she said, her voice breaking slightly as she fought off her emotions. "Araeyah, I..."
"Get out" she whispered. She didn't want to see her anymore let alone listen to anything else she had to say. Olivia stood there frozen in place. She tried to think quickly of something she could say or anything she could do to make this better but she knew it was useless. Just like that, they were over. She'd gotten what she wanted. "Go!" Rae yelled pulling her out of her thoughts. She stood there for a moment longer before heading for the door, Rae following close behind her. She opened it and stepped out into the hallway. She turned around to say again that was sorry but before she could get anything out Rae slammed the door in her face. With tears streaming down her face, she headed for the stairs and made her way out of the building.