Age Ain't Nothing but a Number Chapter 58: Acceptance, a law and order: svu fanfic

Chapter 58: Acceptance

Three months had passed since Rae and Olivia broke up. Olivia threw herself into work to take her mind off of being without Rae. When Captain Cragen would force her to take time off, she would go out to bars and drink her sorrows away. There were a lot of times that she'd come close to taking someone home but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Every time she would end up going home alone. She was falling apart at the seams and everyone could see it. Rae on the other hand was doing just fine. It was like her mother had told her months ago; she took her pain in stride, burried it deep and never looked back. Rae hadn't spoken to Charles since New Years but she still spent time with her mother. Rae had talked to her mother about her breakup with Olivia. Soraya felt horrible to know she was the cause of her daughter's heartbreak. She felt even worse that it was all for nothing. Rae showed no signs of slowing down the way Soraya hoped she would. She was still wokring just as hard and doing just as much for others as she always had.

She was going to school, working at the high school, doing gigs with the band, and volunteering at the hospital with Dr. Page in her spare time. She'd had many visits with Jimmy in rehab and he was doing really well. He'd given her an earful when found out that she and Olivia weren't together anymore. For a second, he seemed like he was the older sibling. She told him not to worry about her and to focus on getting better. She spent time with Ashley and Maureen and friends from college. She went out on dates with Kyle and Haley a few times but told them she just wanted to be friends. She was upfront about her recent breakup and told them she thought it was too soon for her to start dating anyone new. She was also starting to spend more and more time with Simone outside the classroom. They were becoming very close. She liked her a lot and could definitely feel the chemistry between them. But like Kyle and Haley, she told her that she wasn't ready to get involved with anyone. They agreed to just be friends and see where that took them.

It was finally spring time and getting warm outside. Rae loved the warmer months of the year. She loved to see the trees full of leaves, the flowers in full bloom, and feel the warm breeze through her hair. Olivia still called Rae a least once a day, sometimes more. She and just about everyone she worked with, even Alex, had shown up at her apartment unannounced to try to talk to her. She was definitely keeping her word to not stop trying. Rae went back and forth with herself about whether to start talking to Olivia again, to agree that they could start over as friends but something in her just wouldn't let her do it. It was Saturday and she needed to talk to Olivia about getting the key to her apartment back. She was nervous because she knew the conversation wouldn't go well. She showered, washed her face and brushed her teeth, then put her contacts in. She went in her closet and put on a of blue jean shorts and a red floral halter top that showed her belly button with white sandals. She put some notebooks and pens in the small multicolored backpack she'd found at thrift shop while out with Simone. She put on her white sunglasses, threw her wallet in the book bag, put her phone in her pocket, grabbed her keys and headed out the door.

Twenty minutes later, she pulled into the 16th precinct parking lot. She took a deep breath then got out of her car and walked up the precinct doors. People stared at her the same way they had on her first visit there with Maureen. She walked in and took the elevator up to see Olivia. She got stares as she walked down the hall. She didn't know how but it seemed everyone knew who she was. She could count on one hand the amount of times she'd been to the precinct and she didn't know anyone there outside of the SVU squad. Then she remembered that Olivia told her that people had been talking since her suspension. She guessed they'd put it all together. She walked through the squad room doors and saw everyone sitting at their desks. She'd been hoping that they would be busy and she'd catch Olivia alone. No such luck. She took another deep breath and walked over to Olivia's desk.

"Hey" she said softly moving her glasses from her eyes to the top of her head. She was trying hard not to draw too much attention to herself. Olivia looked up from her paperwork and saw her standing there. She immediately became flustered, dropping her pen and almost knocking over her coffee as she stood up from her chair. She took a deep breath to gather herself, "Hey" she finally said back.

"Ummm...is there somewhere we can talk?" she asked quietly. She could feel everyone's eyes on them and it made her really uncomfortable. Capt. Cragen came out of his office, "How are those fives coming on the Randall case?" he asked. "The DA just called and she needs them yesterday". It took him a moment to recognize Rae standing there at Olivia's desk. "Uh...we're almost done. Just dotting our i's and crossing our t's" Elliot said. "Good. The trial starts in two days so those are a priority" he said stopping in the aisle between his detectives' desks. "Don't worry, Cap. We'll get it done" Fin said. "Araeyah, it's good to see you" Cragen said acknowledging her presence.

"It's good to see you too" she said smiling. He turned around and went back to his to office. She turned back to Liv, "Uh, I guess I'll just wait for a better time" she said turning to leave. "No, wait" Olivia said quickly trying to stop her from leaving, "I have time".

"But he just said..." Olivia really wanted to show Rae that she would drop everything for her. "I know but...I have time" she said cutting her off. "What did you want to talk about?" Araeyah was really hoping to talk about this in private but Olivia was busy and she wanted to get out of the way. She took a key out of her pocket and held it out to Olivia, "I just wanted to give this back to you" she said. Olivia recognized it as the key she'd given Rae to her apartment. "Oh no, I want you to keep it" she said. She had every intention of winning her back.

"Why? We're not together. I don't need it" Rae said back a little bit harsher than she intended. Elliot, John, and Fin tried their best not to listen in but it was hard. "I'm sorry. I don't want to fight" she apologized. "So, then keep the key", Olivia said, "Please" she added. Rae sighed, "Fine". She put the key back in her pocket. "I need the one I gave you back. Ashley needs it" she said. Olivia's heart sank into her stomach. Out the corner of her eye, Rae could see Fin's head drop and start to shake from side to side. "Ashley's...staying with you?" Liv asked nervously. Rae refrained from rolling her eyes. "Yeah, she is" she said. "As if it's any of your business" she thought to herself. Olivia took a step closer, "Rae, I...".

"Olivia I just want the key, ok? I really don't want to have a conversation about this here". Rae wasn't in the mood for any of Olivia's emotions. Liv opened her desk drawer and got out her keys, taking a single silver key off the ring. She didn't give her the key right away. "Well, where do you want to have the conversation? You haven't really been very open to having a conversation with me anywhere for the last three months". Olivia was starting to get frustrated. It was like she couldn't win no matter what she did. How was she supposed to make this better if Rae wouldn't even talk to her? "Well, I wonder whose fault that is" she said sarcastically. She held out her hand for the key. "Araeyah, I've apologized a million times. I don't know what to else you want me to do but if you would just..." she paused realizing that she was starting to raise her voice, "just tell me and I'll do it. I'll do anything" she said in a lower tone. Rae could hear the desparation in Olivia's voice. She really didn't know what she wanted to Olivia to do. She didn't know what she could do that would make her trust her again. Her phone started to ring in her back pocket. She took it out and saw it was Ashley calling. She was supposed to be meeting her right now to give her the key so she could move more of her stuff to Rae's apartment.

"What I want right now is to have the key" she said softly. She was having a hard time looking Olivia in the eyes because she knew all she'd find there was sadness. Olivia was slowly giving up on trying to win Rae back. It'd been three months and they hadn't been able to have a conversation without it turning into an argument and ending with either Rae hanging up on her or kicking her out of her apartment and slamming the door in her face. Rae just honestly didn't know where to begin to fix what happened between them. Olivia stared into space for a minute trying to think of something else to say. "Liv" Rae said getting her attention, "the key" she said holding out her hand again.

"Can we go to dinner?" she asked still holding onto the key. Rae forgot that her glasses were sitting on top of her head and tried to run her hand through her hair. They fell to the floor and both she and Olivia bent down to pick them up. Their hands touched the same way they had the first time they met. They both felt the same jolt of electricity and their eyes met. Rae quickly took her glasses and stood up. Olivia stood up and tried to make eye contact with Rae but she wouldn't meet her gaze. "Olivia, I have to go. Ashley's waiting for me and you have to get back to work".

"Can we go to dinner?" she asked again. "I'll think about it. Can I have the key, please? I'm late" she said. Olivia scoffed and handed her the key. "I can't believe you're doing this" she said clearly frustrated. "Me?" Olivia knew right away that she'd just said the wrong thing. That statement was enough to bring to mind for Rae exactly what she wanted. She took a step closer "You want to know what I want from you Olivia? I want for you to take responsibility for your actions. I didn't do this to us. You did". The tone of her voice wasn't angry. She was hurt. The pain was there as if everything had just happened yesterday. Rae took the key out her pocket and slammed it down on Olivia's desk, "Here. I don't want it. Why don't you give it to Alex? You wanted easy, right? I hope this is easy enough for you". She put her sunglasses back on and walked out of the squad room.

Olivia wanted to go after her but she couldn't. She had work to do and it wasn't like Rae wanted to talk to her anyway. She walked to the bathroom and found an empty stall. She leaned against the door and put her hands in her face and cried. She heard the door open and quickly tried to quiet herself and pull it together. After a few deep breaths, she came out the stall and went over to the sink, splashing water in her face and then dabbing it dry with paper towels then went back to the squad room. She'd done all her paperwork and was just sitting at her desk. Her mind was going over everything about her relationship with Rae, from the day they met to where it all went wrong. She thought about what her next move with Rae would be only to realize that she didn't have one. She tried everything she could think of besides telling her the real reason she'd ended it between them. As much as she wanted to tell her and hope it would fix everything she couldn't do it. She remembered Rae telling her how long it took to build the relationship she has with her mother and she couldn't be the one to ruin it. So, that was it. She was out of options. It was over between them and it was time she started accepting it.

Rae met Ashley and gave her the key to her apartment and then went to met Simone at the library. Rae had three exams to study for and Simone had a lot papers to grade. They spent most of the day at the library and then went to dinner before going back to Simone's house. Rae suggested that go there instead of her place because Ashley was still getting settled in and her crap was everywhere. It was her first time at Simone's place and when walked through the door she couldn't help but compare it to Olivia's. It was very different. Everything was decorated in high contrast colors, like reds and oranges and a little bit of yellow. Her furniture and appliances were all name brand. The house looked like she might have hired someone to decorate for her. It looked like her parent's house, loud and flashy and completely unlike her. Olivia's place was definitely more her style. She sat down on the couch and took out her laptop to start on a paper she had due next week. Simone came over with a two glasses and a bottle of wine and poured some for each of them and offered a glass to Rae.

"Oh, no. I'm okay, thanks". She had a couple glasses at dinner and difinitely shouldn't have anymore if she wanted to get anything done on her paper. "Olivia would know that" she thought to herself. She quickly shook the thought away. "She's not Olivia. She doesn't know you yet".

"Are you sure?" Simone asked. Rae nodded her head. "Ok, well it's here if you change your mind" she said sitting the glass in front of her on the table. Simone had gotten all of her grading done at the library, so she didn't really have anything to do. Rae could see her staring at her out of the corner of her eye as she typed on her laptop. She didn't want to say anything but it was really annoying her. Olivia had figured out pretty quickly that if she would find something to do while Rae studied, she would get it done and then they could spend the rest of their night together. Simone just sat there quietly and stared.

"What are you working on?" she asked after a few minutes of staring. "Uh, it's research paper for my Bio lab. It's due on Wednesday". She didn't look up from her laptop and Simone took that to mean she didn't want to be bothered. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be distracting" she said taking another gulp from her glass of wine. She didn't know why but it made her nervous to have Araeyah in her house. Rae looked over at her, "You're not distracting" she said sweetly. She turned back to her screen and continued typing. Without any warning, Simone leaned over and laid her head on Rae's shoulders. "Ok, that...that's distracting" she said with a little laugh. Simone sat up and put her back against the arm rest,"Sorry" she said softly.

Rae thought back to when she would lay back against Olivia while she did her homework and Olivia watched tv waiting for her to finish. Olivia would absentmindedly play with her hair and drink her wine or beer or water, whatever she was in the mood for, and Rae would work quietly to the soft chatter on the tv. She got up and grabbed the remote from the tv stand, "Pick something to watch" she said handing her the remote. "Ummm, ok" she said, taking it from her and clicking on the tv. Rae sat down and positioned herself between Simone's legs so she could lay back on her chest. Simone was uncomfortable at first but soon relaxed into the couch and settled on a show on the discovery channel. After a while, she felt satisfied with the amount of work she'd put into her paper so far and decided to shut her computer down.

"You're done?" Simone asked as Rae put her laptop away. She nodded her head, "For now". She picked up her glass and drank down her wine in one gulp and returned her glass to the table before sitting back against the arm rest opposite Simone. She seemed to be avoiding eye contact with her and Rae couldn't figure out why. She just kept staring at her and waited for her to meet her eyes. Every time she would look up and see Araeyah staring at her she would quickly look away. Rae smiled to herself. She thought it was cute that she made her nervous. It told Rae that she really liked her. She sat forward on her knees and crawled to the other end of the couch. Simone shifted uncomfortably, not knowing what Rae's next move would be. Rae took Simone's wine glass from her, finished the little that was left and set the glass on the table. She scooted in close to her and sat down on her butt, pulling Simone into her so that she was sitting with her legs wrapped around her waist. Simone's heart was practically beating out of her chest and her breaths became uneven. Rae brushed her firey red locks behind her ear and stared into her eyes.

"Relax" she whispered. She leaned in and lightly brushed their lips together. She waited for a moment to give her the chance to pull away if she wanted. When she didn't, Rae kissed her full on the lips. The tension in Simone's legs and shoulders slowly disappeared and she relaxed into their kiss. Rae ran her tongue across her lips and lightly caressed the inside of her mouth, tasting the wine on her tongue. Simone's kiss was soft and tentative, almost like she was scared. Nothing like Olivia's kisses which were hard and confident, yet still tender. Rae tried not to think about Olivia while she was with Simone but she couldn't help it. Was this what she had to look forward to? A life of good enoughs and almost perfects and "yes but...she's just not Liv". The more she thought about Olivia, the more forceful her kiss became. Her hands began to roam all over Simone's body, groping her breasts and pulling at her clothes. In her mind, it wasn't Simone at all. She felt hands come to rest on her shoulders pushing her away.

"I'm sorry" she said softly, realizing what she was doing. She'd gone from zero to sixty in point five seconds all because she couldn't focus on the woman she was with. "It's ok". Simone moved off of Rae's lap and sat upright on the couch, with both feet on the floor as if to ground herself. "Simone, I..." She to apologize again but Simone stopped her, "You don't have to apologize. I just...this is all a little fast for me" she said. "Oh" Rae said nodding her head, "Ok. Well, we can slow down. We can go as slow as you want".

"Why are you here with me, Araeyah?" The question seemed to come out of nowhere and Rae wasn't sure how to answer. "I...I don't, uh, I don't understand" she stammered, "What do you mean? I thought we were, you know, trying this out. Trying us out" she said. "I like you. I like spending time with you. I thought you liked me too". Simone laughed, "I do" she said simply. "I like you a lot, Araeyah. But we both know that this isn't where you really want to be", she said looking at Rae. "What are you talking about?"

"Who were you kissing just now?" she asked, "Because it wasn't me". Rae looked down at the couch and sighed. Simone had figured her out. She felt horrible for being there when all she could think about was Olivia. "I know you like me but...you're in love with Olivia". Rae opened her mouth to say something but Simone kept talking. "I remember seeing the two of you in her car outside the school on your last day. I remember the way you looked at her and the way that she looked at you and the way you both made each other smile. You don't look at me like that...and that's ok" she quickly added. Rae had told Simone a little bit about Olivia and their break up when they first started spending time together. Rae tried to pretend that she was ok, like she'd be fine without her. Simone said that she looked sadder than she could ever remember seeing her. "I know she hurt you but maybe you should give her another chance... because I don't think there's anyone out there who will ever make you smile the way that she does. You're an amazing young woman and you deserve the kind of smile she puts on your face".

Rae didn't know what to say. Simone was right; she was in love with Olivia. Olivia was the one that made her happy and there wasn't another person on the planet that she'd rather be with. She could try all she wanted but no one would ever make her feel the way Olivia did. But no matter how much she wanted to be with her she couldn't do it if she wouldn't be honest with her. "What are you thinking" Simone asked pulling her out of her thoughts. "I'm thinking that...you're right. I do love her. I don't want you to think that I'm using you or anything like that because I'm not. I really do like you, Simone".

"I know you would never do that" she said. "There's something there...between us but it'll never be like what you had with Olivia. You can't force yourself not to love her". She hoped to give Rae the push she needed to get back together with Olivia. "I don't want to not love her. I want..." Rae paused to try to find the right words to explain her feelings. "Every time I talk to her, she always says something to make it seem like us being apart is my fault. Like earlier today, I went to see her to get the key for Ashley and she asked me if I'd go to dinner with her. I said I'd think about it and she said she couldn't be I was doing this. Me. But I didn't do anything. She broke up with me and she, and everyone else, is acting like I should just forget about that and take her back like nothing happened. She told me she wanted to be with someone else. The thing is, I know she didn't mean it. I don't know why this happened. I don't know what I did wrong and she won't tell me. She just keeps lying to me" she said sadly. Simone could tell that was the part that hurt Rae more than anything else. Trust was something that Rae gave easily but once it was lost it was hard for her to give it again. "As much as I want to I just can't get past that".

"So tell her". Simone said that as if it were the simplest thing. "Tell her what you want, what you need from her". Rae thought for a minute about what Simone was saying. "It can't be that simple" she thought to herself. She took a deep breath and slowly released it. Lately, talking to Olivia was a daunting task. What used to be so easy was now so complicated. Rae would rather not talk to her at all than have to deal with the drama of it all. One thing was for sure, she missed Olivia like crazy. She wanted more than anything for things to just go back to the way they were. "Ok. I guess it won't hurt anything to try" she said. Simone laughed, "No, it won't" she said. "We can still be friends, right?" Rae asked hopefully. Simone nodded her head, "Of course we can". Rae smiled, "Good". She stayed for a little while longer before heading home, thinking about the talk she was planning to have with Olivia.