This one goes from - Nikalex. Would like to thank her for the hard work..
Hope you enjoy it and if so, don't forget to thank her :)
When Alex woke up the next morning it was still night outside. Her head was a little light since yesterday's activities took every bit of energy out of her and her heart was aching. Was that just a release or it was something stronger, something deeper for Nikita? Yes, yesterday, they exchanged words of love, of affection, of admiration, they exchanged words of trust and she meant every one and single syllabus that she spelled out. She loved Nikita, she had fallen for her a long time ago when she got her clean, when she gave her purpose in life. But did Nikita mean those words as well? She wanted to believe that Nikita believed what she had told to her yesterday, but Alex had heard those words million of times before.
She had heard before how much they LOVE to fuck her, how they LOVE to hurt her, how they LOVE to make her theirs. A lot of people had told her that they loved her, because she made money for them, because she was a good release from them, because she was a good fucking bag for them.. but none, for years told her that they LOVE HER. And Alex wondered, how is it possible to be loved? who was so crazy and insane to love a used tool? a broken girl? Who would want a romantic relationship with someone that tries not to freak out every time that she is being touched? And her question remained... Did Nikita really loved her or it was just words to bring her in her bed, to have some whore's services without paying?
Alex knew that Nikita meant those words, she saw the honesty in her eyes but still how Nikita could fell for her? She was just an ex-junkie, an ex-whore, nothing more...She must have been dreaming those words... But then, she turned her head from the ceiling and she met Nikita's form crumbling next to her, Nikita's hand holding Alex from her waist in place never letting go. Her form showered in the moonlight made Alex's heard jump, Nikita was like a goddess, so.. beautiful, so perfect, so... unique. What did she do to deserve that person by her side? What did she do to deserve her kindness, her love?
Alex was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice that tears started wetting her pretty face. But she did notice that Nikita slowly opened her eyes and smiled seeing this goddess waking by her side even if it was for the first and last night. "Good morning, Nikita." Alex said softly not wanting to disturb the older woman. The only thing that was passing through Alex's mind at that moment was how beautiful Nikita was when she was just awaking. "Good morning, baby girl" Nikita replied smiling, yawning in the process and trying to focus on the form lying next to her. She was so happy today. Finally, she was waking up with Alex beside her, holding her, smelling her... kissing her?
Nikita slowly, still sleepy, moved closer to Alex, pushing Alex's body closer to hers, hugging her tightly. Without a second thought, she went to taste Alex's lips one more time, a gentle, soft but still passionate kiss. Nikita was so happy today, she could rate this morning as one of the best in her life. Slowly she went to cup Alex's face, a gesture of affection, of love, of care... Her hand found Alex's soft skin and smiled, but her happiness didn't last for a long time, Alex's face was wet from tears that went down unnoticed.
Fear attacked Nikita's mind. Alex didn't want that. Who would want that. Who would want to form a romantic relationship with a killer, a murderer, a broken woman. It was just a release. But... It couldn't be just a release, could be? It had to be something stronger, something deeper. She felt honesty in Alex's words, she felt love in Alex's kiss. Was she so blind? so lost in her love for the younger girl that she misunderstood the signals? She needed to know..
Nikita quickly sat up staring at Alex's beautiful form. Alex looked at her confused.. was that really that? Did Nikita just understood what happened last night and she wants to say that it was a mistake, that they lost control and they need to forget. Alex slowly straightened herself up looking at Nikita expecting whatever she wanted to say. She needed to know what she was thinking, no matter if it hurt her, she needed to know the truth.
"Baby? Why are you crying?" Nikita started. She needed to know the truth. Why Alex was crying? Was yesterday just a release that now Alex regretted? Was Nikita just one of the many? One more scar? One more memory hidden in a small box away from the world, just like Pandora's box. "Crying?" Alex asked confused not understanding what Nikita was talking about. Her fears slowly fading away as she realized that Nikita wasn't going to start some sort of lecture in the early morning. Nikita sighed and pointed to Alex's face. Alex reached a hand and she saw that her face was wet, now she understood Nikita's confusion.
"Your face is wet from tears. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" Nikita asked, her voice broken, her heart pained. She couldn't bare the thought of hurting Alex, the most precious person in her life, her light, her guider. If it wasn't for Alex, she would have probably been dead, not only from the inside, lost in her sadness, in her pain, lost in her revenge but also literally. It was Alex's thought that got her out of the most difficult situations those months, it was the thought of seeing Alex's eyes again that made her keep going when everything felt without meaning, it was Alex's presence that made her waking up every single morning.
Alex stared at Nikita not knowing how to reply to that. She wanted answers, no, no.. she needed answers but she was in loss of words.
"It is nothing. Don't mind yourself with that. I am going to wash my face and I will be right back." Alex replied avoiding the real conversation.
Nikita felt like if she was being stabbed in the chest. ' Don't mind yourself with that'? How could Alex ask her something that? How could Alex ask her not to worry about her when she was her life? Why Alex didn't answer her question? Was that really an one-night stand for her? If that was the case, she wasn't going to press the younger girl, it would hurt like hell but she wasn't going to force Alex into a relationship that she didn't want. She wanted answers, no, no... she needed answers. But how can you ask those things when you are afraid of the answer? How could she find words to confess her fears when even the possibility to lose Alex didn't let her breathe properly?
"I will make some coffee. Do you want some?" Nikita shouted to Alex changing the subject. She needed some fuels if she was about to make that kind of conversation with Alex. "Yes, sure." Alex shouted back as she closed the door. She certainly needed some strong dose of caffeine if she was about to confess her fears to Nikita. She washed her face and she stared at herself at the mirror. A small smile was still on her face, a hope.
'Can this be real?' something inside her asked?
'No. It is just a dream.' Alex replied to the mirror even if it pained her beyond any imagination.
She gathered all her will power and went to find Nikita to the kitchen. She was a big girl, if that was one-night stand for Nikita, she will accept it and she will move forward. It won't be her first one after all, she is used of being used. Harsh but truth...
When she went back to Nikita, she found Nikita resting herself on a chair gazing her black coffee lost in her thoughts. She smiled softly when she noticed a cup of coffee placed in front of a chair next to Nikita's. Taking a deep breathe she moved towards Nikita, she sat down and took her cup of coffee in her hands gazing at the black liquid. "Black without sugar, just like you like it." Nikita informed her calmly not turning to gaze her. "Thank you" Alex said honestly.
Alex smiled. She loved the fact that Nikita knew such small things about her. She liked it that Nikita was paying attention to her small habits, to small movements that none could know about her if they didn't care. But she needed to clean the things out. She needed to know what was going on between them. She couldn't postpone the confrontation for much longer.
Silence. Awkward silence. They both knew it, they both hated it. They needed to talk things now, things weren't supposed to be awkward between them. But things were awkward and that was something that hurt both of them beyond any other pain in their pained lives. "How are you today?" Alex asked quietly. She braced herself from some ugly truth. She couldn't expect Nikita to fall for her, not in this life. Nikita slowly turned her gaze from her cup to Alex. She waited until Alex turned her gaze to look at her, too.
"I wasn't the one crying this morning, Alex. I should have been the one asking you that." Nikita said seriously. It was obvious from her voice that she was hurt and afraid of hearing Alex's explanation about everything. Waking up after your first day with someone and saw your lover with tears in her eyes isn't something that anyone wanted to live. "I wasn't crying, Nikita. I haven't even noticed that I had tears on my face." Alex defended herself. She knew that what happened hurt Nikita and that was something that she never wanted to do, not now, not ever. She loved Nikita far too much to do so.
Nikita was looking into Alex's eyes thoughtfully. She was trying to find an answer in them but she was unable to read it. So many emotions, so many confused feelings. Alex had to talk to her because right now, Nikita was unable to read her through.
"Then what happened? Why those tears, Alex? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" Nikita asked voice filled with pain. She could feel her eyes watering. She didn't want to have this conversation, she just wanted to hold Alex in her hug, kiss her, whisper to her eyes sweet words of pleasure. This angst, this doubt were killing her from inside. "It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong, don't worry. I was just thinking and I didn't even noticed that I was crying. You did nothing wrong, Nikita. I was just gotten lost in my thoughts." Alex said honest. She felt sorry of making Nikita blaming herself for this morning. She didn't know what to think anymore. Nikita seemed to care, to want more but.. how could she? How could the legendary Nikita love an ex-junkie, whore? It wasn't possible.
"Thinking about?" Nikita asked curious. She wanted to kick Alex's ass for torturing her like that. If that was just an one-night stand for Alex, a release, she just wanted to know it. There wasn't any reason for Alex to try to make it sound better. If that was the case, she just wanted Alex to split out. It will hurt her but she will understand. Alex was a big girl, she might not want her like that, who would want her like that after all? None knew her real self, none beside Alex. If they knew, they would have run far away from her. Daniel would have run if he knew. But Alex knew... and she was here, by her side..
Alex took a deep breathe. She needed to ask.
"Nikita, what do you want from me?" Alex asked firmly and stared at Nikita.
Nikita looked at Alex confused. What Alex was talking about? She wanted Alex. What was so difficult to understand? Alex was a smart girl. "What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused as hell. This conversation was taken every hint of energy away from her. She was trying not to jump to Alex, she was trying to keep her emotions under control, her tears away from her eyes. She was trying to understand. That was more difficult that she had expected. She was a big girl. She could take Nikita's answer no matter what that was, right? WRONG! Alex was in love with Nikita and she wasn't ready to hear that it was nothing than a release what happened last night. She didn't want to hear that.
"What happened last night was...was just a release for you?" There, Alex, finally, split it out. She was done. She had asked Nikita the most difficult question. Now, she had to wait for Nikita's answer. Nikita was speechless, her eyes wide in horror. Did Alex really ask her something like that? She snapped out of her shock state when Alex turned her head back to her coffee not wanting to stare at Nikita anymore. Nikita gently touched Alex's chin and forced her to look at her. She would open her cards completely. If she wanted Alex, then she needed to be total honest with Alex. She needed to take a step of faith and trust Alex with her heart. "You aren't a release for me, Alex. Don't you ever say that again. I. LOVE. YOU." Nikita said firmly.
She could see Alex's eyes filling with new tears. Hearing something that is simple for most people, common, but for Alex, it was priceless... her heart was melting with affection and love towards Nikita. But still, that doubt inside her.. she couldn't relax. She needed to take it out, trust Nikita with her fears.
"How can you?" Alex whispered trying to hold back her tears and keep her voice stable. Nikita was getting more and more confused. What Alex needed to hear to let go and let her back in? "How can I do what, Alex?" Nikita asked. She needed to understand what Alex meant, why she was crying, why she was so hurt.
"How can you love me? I am just an ex-junkie, whore. A used tool." Alex said and stared at Nikita, sadness and pain radiating from her whole figure.
Shock. Nikita was shocked. Now everything made perfect sense. She had never thought that Alex thought of herself like that, like a used tool uncapable of being loved, meant to be used. She knew that Alex's scars were deep, much deeper than she dare to think or ask but that... that was heartbreaking for her. She loved Alex with all her heart and seeing her so hurt, it pained her beyond any healthy measure. A lone tear escaped her eyes that she quickly wiped away.
"This is what you think of yourself?" Nikita asked hurt.
"It is the truth, Nikita. Harsh, ugly but truth." Alex said softly. She had made peace with her past as a sex slave. She couldn't change the past and she wasn't going to destroy her present and future feeling sorry for herself. But the question remained in her mind.. why Nikita fell in love with her? Could that be true or it is another dream that will fall on her sooner or later and throw her back down on the dirty ground? That was it. Nikita had enough. She was getting furious. None was going to insult her baby girl in front of her, none. And she wasn't going to let Alex insult herself like that in front of her either. Furious, Nikita stood up and moved even closer to Alex, her body inches from Alex's, her eyes determined, her lips craving Alex's."You aren't like that!" Nikita said seriously.
Alex smiled. She was moved from Nikita's attitude but the facts were facts.
Nikita's denial was just that, a denial. But Nikita will accept the facts one day and when that happened she would leave, everyone would leave. Alex slowly turned her gaze away from Nikita. She just wanted to kiss her but she needed to control herself if she wanted to get out of this situation relatively sane.
Nikita frustrated hit her hand on the table in front of them in order to catch Alex's attention. Alex slowly turned her head back to face Nikita. "I love you damn it! Why is that so difficult to understand that, hm? You think what? That I am just everyone else before me? Fuck you and then leave you? Is that what you think of me?" Nikita said trying to control her voice and not scream her frustration out.
Alex was stunned. She tried to open her mouth but Nikita stopped her. She needed to take it out, so she started pacing up and down yelling her thoughts out aloud.
"I never asked for it, Alex. I never asked to fall for you so badly, not because of your past, but because I was afraid to fell in love again. I was afraid that if you knew who I really am, I will lose you. Who want to be with a murderer, a killer? NONE! But here you are. Still here. By my side." Nikita started. She stopped to take a deep breathe and she continued. "I tried to fight it, to ignore it but I couldn't, alright? All that time, I was wondering if it could be something more.. if you could ever love me the way I do.. and for once moment, yesterday, I felt that it could be an US... So let me ask you something Alex... was it an one-night stand for you? If it was just say it.. I am a big girl, I can take it.." Nikita was talking without leaving Alex to reply to anything of that.
Alex was shocked, it could be an US. It wasn't a dream, it was her life and she was in love. It was time to act, it was time to take Nikita pain away, to heal her broken soul. With determination, she stood up and went to stop Nikita's pacing. Without any hesitation she turned Nikita around pulling her into a hug and then kissing her passionately. Nikita was caught out of guard. She hadn't noticed Alex standing up and she certainly didn't wait such a reaction from her. Soon she opened her mouth and let Alex to explore her mouth one more time with her tongue. They fought for dominance but none of them won. It was a draw.
"I love you, Nikita." Alex said firmly. Nikita felt like crying out of joy. Hearing those four words leaving Alex's mouth was priceless. She never wanted to let go of Alex, it was her personal drug.
" Is that a yes? Are we really going to try it?" Nikita asked sheepishly. It was stupid but she really needed to hear Alex saying that she was going to give it a shot. Alex smiled. She found Nikita's question childish like two little school kids..'are you going to be my girlfriend?'. But it was so so so cute! And if Nikita wanted to hear it then she was going to hear it. "Girlfriend stuff etc? Hm? Let me think..." Alex started taunting Nikita.
Nikita wanted to kick Alex's ass for playing such a dirty game with her. But she needed an answer and she was going to wait for it anxiously. She was going to take Alex's torture silently. "I think that yes, we can try it..." Alex said but before she could even complete her sentence Nikita had wrapped her hands around her and she was kissing her like if her life was depending on that.
After a while Alex pulled away gasping for air.
"If you don't kill me with your kisses, of course.." Alex teased Nikita gaining a soft hit on her shoulder. Alex had never seen Nikita so happy. She was almost jumping from her excitement. And Alex knew what would make Nikita even more happier. "Nikita ?" Alex called happily. Nikita turned around trying to control her joy.
"You look beautiful at early morning." Alex comment and Nikita ran towards her, jumping on her opened arms laughing and kissing Alex.
Both of them were happier than ever in their entire lives. They had each other, safe and sound in their arms. Absolutely awesome, perfect feeling. Love.. A reason to live, a reason to breathe, a reason to fight, a reason to kill, a reason to survive... Love.. eternity love... a reason to keep going... and no matter what.. this couple was meant to be. No matter what was coming, in the end, they would be together into each other's hug.
Always and forever