Swapping Tales

"Right then," Romana announced suddenly, heading to reactivate the Magnetron that had been used to bring the planets to the Medusa Cascade. "Since it will take some Time before every planet is sent back, perhaps we should pass the Time by getting to know each other better." As she said this, the Magnetron powered up and began to reverse the transportations. "How about telling some of the best moments in your lives with the Doctor? Donna?" Romana turned to the Temp.

"I got to meet Agatha Christie," Donna replied with a smile. "The Doctor and I went back to 1920 and got mixed up in a Whodunit. It turned out the murderer was a giant alien wasp – a Vespiform, the Doctor called it – and it was after a firestone." She turned to Martha.

"I met Shakespeare," Martha told them. "We'd gone back to the 1500s and found out that Shakespeare was writing a sequel play to Love's Labour's Lost – it was called Love's Labour's Won. We later found out that it was a Carrionite Code." At this, Romana gasped. She'd heard truly fear-provoking stories about them. Martha picked up on the gasp. "You know the Carrionites?"

"I met the ancient Gallifreyan who conspired with them," Romana told her, remembering that nasty business with Skagra and the Universal Mind. "She got locked up in Shada, with no chance of release. This was before Gallifrey reinstalled capital punishment into its Legal System. Scintilla, her name was." She shook herself out of it. "But enough of that...Rose?"

"Charles Dickens," Rose answered smiling. "We met him while dealing with Ghosts-"

"No way!" Donna shouted with a laugh. "And to think I made a joke about that in 1920!" Everyone began laughing at the irony of the statement. When the laughter died down, Donna turned to Romana.

"I met Leonardo Da Vinci," the Time Lady told them. "It was after a trip to Paris, when the Doctor was trying to show me the perks of Planet Earth. I got a look at the Mona Lisa...or Mona Lisas-"

"Hang on," Martha interrupted. "Mona Lisas? Plural? You mean to tell us that there was more than one?!"

Romana nodded. "All of them were painted by Leonardo...all of them genuine, thanks to Scaroth...the last of the Jagaroth. Scaroth masqueraded as Count Scarlioni, trying to make enough money to obtain the resources to build his own Time Machine. But his mansion was destroyed when the Machine exploded. Only one of the seven Mona Lisas survived."

"I remember that trip well," the Doctor cut in. "Because the trip was 'educational' for her, Romana...decided to wear a school uniform." At this, every Human in the now-deserted Vault, save Luke, snorted with derisive laughter, especially – and predictably – Jack, who whistled.

"Never thought ya had it in ya to let your girlfriend wear a school uniform, Doc," he quipped, once again switching to Captain Innuendo.

Romana scowled. "I'm sorry, but...what?" she demanded sharply. Something was going on here – something undoubtedly ridiculous. "What's so funny?"

"Isn't anyone gonna explain it to her?" Donna sighed in exasperation. All of them just smirked, apart from Luke, who didn't understand why it was funny that Romana had worn a school uniform. Donna turned back to the Time Lady. "How old were you when you wore it?"

"125," she told them, though technically that had been a lie – she had been older than 140 at that point in Time...but she hadn't wanted Duggan to know that. The smirks just grew. "Why are you smirking?"

"You're too old for it," Jackie Tyler cut in.

"Too old?" Romana exclaimed. "I was little more than a Time Tot-"

Sarah Jane explained it to them. "125 years would be considered schoolgirl age for a Time Lord," she told the group, though the smirk was still present on her face. "A Time Lord would be about middle-aged when they're around 750."

"Dirty old man," Jack muttered, a snort of laughter fighting to escape.

"Stop it!" chorused both Doctors.

Romana still didn't understand the implication. "What are you people banging on about?"

"A Human girl stops wearing their school uniform once they're around 20 years old," explained Maria, who had been having silent fits of laughter up until that point. "Unless they're really stupid...or they're getting ready for the bedroom."

Soon enough, the euphemism sunk into Romana's mind. At once, she backed away from the Doctor in shock. "What in Omega's-!" she spluttered, before turning back to the others. "You mean he was eyeing up my body?!" she cried in mortified shock. There was a chorus of; "Yep!"

Before she could take her frustration out on the Doctor, the Magnetron completed its work. All they had to do now was destroy the Crucible. Romana fixed her lover with a stern stare.

"Don't think you avoided retribution...you dirty old man," she quipped, trying a shot at Earth humour. The Doctor backed away in fear as she advanced on him...only for her to whisper into his ear; "You can make it up to me with some wonderful love-making. Sound good?"

"Molto bene!" the Doctor whispered back with a grin. He turned his attention to the Control Hub. "Activating the Dalekanium Power Feeds...and blasting them back into the Crucible!" After he completed the sequence of Control Switches, the Crucible began collapsing around them. "Everyone into the TARDIS!" he shouted. No-one needed telling twice – they all headed in.

When everyone was in, the Doctor set course for Earth, which was now back in its proper point in Space and Time. Once they reached the planet, the Children of Time would have to go their separate ways...