Author's note: Settle in for a long, meaty psychof*ck of a chapter...

---

The drive home from the mall where Misato had dragged Asuka was excruciating. Initially, after the violent encounter between the two EVA pilots, Misato had thought a little time away from each other would help ease the frustrations both were feeling. Katsuragi knew both of the kids were emotionally fragile, and the next few days would be devastating. She was still particularly irritated with Ritsuko for having scheduled a full day of synch tests the very next day, although she reasoned it was direct orders from Gendo Ikari who was no doubt intent on showing no weaknesses when SELEE decided to launch an inquest into the results of the last battle with the angel. She'd tried bribing Asuka with food, even clothing, to which the irascible German had replied furiously, 'It's not like I can wear any nice clothes in this body, can I?' But she'd needed to know Asuka's measurements while shopping for clothing for him to wear until NERV found a way to change him back. Secretly, she relished the opportunity to dress Shinji in girls' clothing even if he currently inhabited the body of a female.

As her car careened dangerously around the mountain road, Misato spared a glance at Asuka, who was leaning her head against the window, a look of disgust and confusion upon her face. Misato searched for the right words to comfort her, but who really ever knew what to say to the second child to make her feel better?

"You think you'll be up to running synch ratio tests tomorrow?" Misato said at length. "I can always just tell them you're not up to it."

Asuka grunted, but didn't reply. She seemed absorbed in her own little world as usual.

"I think it's totally unreasonable that you should have to do synch tests in your current condition. NERV really has no idea when to quit."

"Is Shinji going?" Asuka muttered.

It was strange hearing the question from Shinji's vocal chords. "Yes," Misato replied.

"Then of course I'm going, and I'll still kick his ass, even in this lousy body!"

There was more silence.

"You should probably apologize to him when we get back to the apartment," Major Katsuragi suggested.

"What for?" Asuka said, blushing slightly.

"For knocking him out cold, obviously," Misato shot back. "Hell of a thing to do to your own body."

"I didn't mean to," Asuka blurted. "I… I don't know what I was thinking."

"Well don't tell me that," the other said. "Tell him."

"Like he cares," Asuka rambled. "Right now he's probably having the time of his life with my body. Probably flirting with everybody he sees or sneaking a peak at my naked body. I swear, as soon as we get back there I'm gonna beat him senseless!"

"Actually, that's hardly the case," Misato said. "He's been terrified all day long. Poor Shinji, he has it hard enough as it is without having to deal with being you."

Those words struck Asuka like a blast from a lascannon. "Just what's that supposed to mean?" she quipped.

"For someone so smart, Asuka, sometimes you can be pretty darn oblivious," retorted Misato, speeding the car around a sharp bend and narrowly missing the van in the other lane. "Shinji's done nothing but try to make you happy, and you just spit it all back in his face."

"What on earth are you talking about?" the second child groaned. "Shinji's a stupid, oversensitive moron that only cares about himself and what other people think about him. What a damn attention whore!"

"Well you're right about one thing," Misato agreed, "he cares a lot what you think of him."

"No he doesn't! All he cares about is doing his homework, getting his father's approval or whatever, and that oh-so-special Wonder Girl of his! He's so… so… so stupid! How could you say he cares what I think about him? He won't even talk to me! He won't even touch—"

Suddenly, Asuka cut herself short and gasped, as if she'd just divulged an enormous secret, and Misato nearly crashed the car. The second child put her face in her hands and began to sob. Misato pulled the car over to the side of the road. She opened the glove compartment and pulled out a wad of napkins she'd most likely grabbed from a fast-food napkin dispenser, and handed them to Asuka, who brushed her hand away irritably, her shoulders hunched, still convulsing with sobbing.

"Asuka…" Misato said quietly in a motherly tone. "You really do care about him a lot, don't you?"

"A…anta baka," Asuka mumbled between sniffles.

Misato waited until the cascading tears let up slightly. "Why haven't you told him any of this?"

"It's not what you think," the second child grumbled. "I… I don't even know what it is… You and Kaji…"

Misato wrapped her arm around Asuka's shoulders, and tried as hard as she could to remind herself this was in fact Asuka and not Shinji. She could certainly understand Asuka's frustrations, even the resentment. Despite all of Shinji's misdeeds and emotional immaturity, one could not help but care about him. Misato had nearly convinced herself that her affection for Shinji was maternal in nature—she herself had suffered the loss of her parents, and she had resolved never to let Shinji, who shared that unique history with her, become self-destructive like she'd become. But it was more than that, she knew, and with each passing day it had become increasingly difficult to lie to herself. Shinji, deep down, had a beautiful soul, and cared deeply for everyone in his life, but no one had ever taught him how to show it. Consequently, his few attempts at making social progress had been thwarted by inexperience, and he'd turtled up and shut everyone out. Just like Asuka. Was Asuka able to see that deeply into Shinji's heart, even at fourteen?

"You just want to be loved," Misato whispered.

"Baka…"

"Asuka… you can talk to me…"

"Nobody cares about me," she sniffled, sounding strangely more like Shinji than her usual, resentful and bitter self. "Certainly not Shinji."

"I don't think that's true…"

"It is."

"Have you ever asked him?"

"Of course not. I already know the answer."

"Asuka, even you don't know everything."

Asuka looked up at Misato through Shinji's large, brown, tear-laden eyes. "I do, trust me. I'm never wrong."

"Never?"

"Never."

"But what if you were this time?"

"Who cares? Shinji's an idiot anyway."

"Then why do you care about him?"

"It's complicated."

"That's life," Misato sighed, leaning back in the car seat. Misato and Asuka spent the next fifteen minutes in silence, watching the golden-pink light of sunset bathe Tokyo in the aftermath of another, difficult day.

"You may not respect me," Misato said after a while of reflection, "But I was a kid once too. I went through all the same shit."

"I doubt it," Asuka grunted, irritability creeping back into her voice.

"It's true. I loved a guy once… a lot. I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything without thinking about him. I was completely in love."

The second child uttered a dry, sarcastic laugh. "Yeah… so what happened?"

"Nothing," sighed Major Katsuragi. "I never had the guts to tell him how I felt. But I still think about him from time to time… wondering where he is now… if he found someone else who loves him as much as I did… if he has a family… if he's happy. I wonder about it a lot, but I'll never really know, will I? I made a choice, Asuka, and I have to live with that choice for the rest of my life. Who I am today could very well have been defined by that moment of weakness… that moment of indecision. Look at me! I'm a disaster. I'm totally unhappy. Don't end up like me, Asuka, just promise me that."

Asuka's hand slowly, cautiously, crept up and rested atop Misato's. "You're not a disaster," she offered, but she couldn't think of anything more reassuring to say.

Misato fought back tears. "It's ok, Asuka, I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm just asking you don't make the same mistake I did. Don't live your life with regrets. Say what you need to say, because life's one, long crap shoot and it's all you can do to make the suffering bearable. Say what you need to say."

Asuka removed her hand from Misato's and reclined in the seat. The last rays of light were disappearing from the valley. "I'll be fine," she said after a moment. "It's not like you think. I don't like Shinji… I… he's like… he's like the brother I never had maybe, I don't know. He's too dorky and immature for someone like me, anyway."

Steering the car back onto the road, the two drove the rest of the way back to the apartment in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. It was eight o'clock in the evening when they finally reached their destination, and the light in Asuka's room was on. The second child stared up through the windshield curiously.

"Is Rei here?"

"She probably went home by now," Misato said, removing the key from the ignition. The engine sputtered and died. "Shinji's resting in your room."

"My room? What the hell for?!" Asuka bellowed.

"Ritsuko thought from a psychological standpoint it would be less confusing if he… um… got used to having girly things around."

"God damn it!" Asuka groaned, marching up the front path.

"Asuka wait!" Misato called after her.

"What?!" the second child retorted angrily. Misato drew back in surprise, still not used to seeing Shinji Ikari's body acting so cross and rebellious.

"Be gentle," she cautioned. "Shinji's really trying to adjust."

"I'll give that super dork something to adjust to," came the bitter reply.

---

Shinji Ikari sat in Asuka's bad, reading one of her graphic novels. He'd been shocked to find out the second child had an extensive collection of romance mangas; he'd had her pegged for the action genre. Nonetheless, the illustrations were quite good, he decided, and the storyline made him feel upbeat and hopeful. In fact, he'd gotten so absorbed in the mangas that he'd totally forgotten about the tea Rei had brewed for him which had turned a murky brown in the small mug sitting on the night stand. He hadn't told her about the vision he'd had either; it had been confusing, and he still wasn't sure if it had been the stress of the day causing his overactive imagination to hallucinate.

He heard the door to the apartment open, and there was a scuffle, the sound of heavy, rapid footfalls, then suddenly the sliding door to Asuka's room flew open. Shinji stared in awe, shocked at seeing himself for the second time that day. Asuka, in Shinji's body, glowered at Shinji who sat upon her bed, dressed in a black tank top and cut off jeans. Misato's attire. She opened her mouth instinctively, a long string of profanities and choice oaths forming in her mind, but nothing came out. The two exchanged glances, and it was Shinji who finally broke the awkward silence.

"Um, I hoped you wouldn't mind me reading your graphic novels," he stammered. "I really didn't have anything else to do."

Asuka blanched at hearing her own vocal chords produce such a lame apology. "Whatever," she said quickly, embarrassed on her body's behalf. "But Shinji, if you ever touch my body again, I'll kill you myself."

Shinji nodded, closing the book. "I'm sorry."

"Don't… stop that!"

"Stop what?"

"Apologizing!"

"Oh. S-sorry…"

"God damn it, Shinji!"

Misato entered the room and smiled when she saw Shinji awake and dressed in her own garments. She giggled. "Those look good on you, Shinji," she cooed.

"You mean they look good on me," the second child interjected.

"Have you two eaten? I could cook something," Shinji offered.

Asuka started to say something, but Misato jabbed her in the ribs. "We're famished. Get to it Shinji."

Shinji's eyes glowed. He nearly leapt out of bed, grabbed the mug of cold tea, and hurried out and into the kitchen. Misato looked at Asuka with a grin. "Still think he doesn't care about you?"

"Just shut up," the girl muttered.

Asuka sat at the living room table, head cocked sideways resting on her arm, staring at herself cooking in the kitchen. The very fact that Shinji was using her beautiful body for such pedestrian concerns like domestic housework annoyed her. But it bothered her even more that he seemed so ill-at-ease and calm in her body. Like it came to him naturally. Like piloting the EVAs came to him naturally. Her frustrations at not being the best at piloting the EVAs, and at the fact that while she had the attention of virtually every other boy in Japan, she couldn't win his, began to return. She knew she couldn't survive long as Shinji, in his body. It would be too torturous, being inside the body of the boy she so secretly, desperately longed for. It was such a cruel twist of fate, a vile bend in the river of destiny that had thrust them even closer when they'd been drifting apart. Now forgetting the complicated feelings she felt for Shinji, the hate, and the love, would be impossible.

As Shinji prepared dinner, Asuka sunk deeper and deeper into the euphoria of hatred. She felt sick to her stomach. A bitter nausea overwhelmed her as she detested the fact that she cared about the dweeb Shinji, and especially that Misato knew. She knew. Vomit crept up into her mouth. The world she had constructed around her was falling apart. She had kept the walls up so long she wasn't even sure she'd recognize what was behind them anymore. She remembered finding her dead mother swinging from the ceiling of that barren medical hospital, and how she'd made a pact with herself never to let love in ever again. If she didn't feel love, she could never again be hurt. She'd spent her entire childhood in libraries and lecture halls, running away from love. And it had caught up to her. She started to wretch.

Shinji placed a steaming bowl of spiced ramen down before Asuka, a broad smile on his face. That genuine smile of caring that Asuka had forgotten how to conjure. "Careful, it's a bit hot," he said.

The cartharsis crept up in her throat, and the floodgate opened. Tears erupting from her eyes, Asuka leapt up from her chair and ran from the living room, slamming the door to her room behind her. Shinji's jaw dropped as he watched flee the room weeping. Misato's expression was the same, pure shock, as she stood in the doorway of her own bedroom.

"Wh… what did I say? What did I do wrong?" Shinji stammered incredulously.

Misato shook her head. "I… I don't know."

Shinji walked to Asuka's door and knocked softly. "Asuka?"

There was no answer but the faint sound of sobbing. Shinji listened for a moment, before looking at Misato, worriedly.

"Misato, did something happen today to Asuka?"

Misato went and sat at the living room table and started eating from Asuka's bowl. "Just let it play out," she said simply. "There's nothing we can do."

Shinji walked to his room silently and closed the door behind him. He looked around his room. He noted how plain and uninteresting it was. He looked at his cassette player and picked it up. Sitting down on his bed, he fit the ear buds of the headset into Asuka's ears, brushing back her hair as he did so. He sat cross-legged, listening to Beethoven's piano sonata number fourteen in C-sharp minor, the Moonlight Sonata. The silvery-blue light of the midnight sun spilled over him as he thrust the curtains of the window aside.

Why did Asuka hate him so much, he wondered as the sad, melancholy notes of the sonata crawled into his ears. Was he really that much of a disappointment in her eyes? What was it that he'd done that had been so vulgar in her eyes? He reflected a moment. He figured Asuka'd had a difficult past, especially since she never talked about it. He knew she had a step-mother, and maybe that had something to do with why she didn't get along with Misato very well. What happened to her real mother? He wondered about the vision he'd seen earlier that day about the woman hanged in a medical ward. Where had that vision come from? Why?

There were a lot of things Shinji didn't know about Asuka. Certainly she made it difficult to find out what those things were. Most people thought she was loud and bossy and obnoxious, but deep down Shinji didn't think so. She wanted attention; he knew that much. Her flirting with Kaji and the other boys at school was probably because of feelings of neglect. That was part of growing up. Shinji knew all about neglect. His father neglected him. His childhood friends neglected him. Only his mother hadn't neglected him. His psychologist had told him that his problems with approaching girls stemmed from feelings of betrayal towards his mother. Shinji had always hated those psychologists. Everything was broken down, cold and scientific, just like his father.

And that's what was so unique about Asuka. Until he'd met her, he hadn't wanted to understand girls at all. But he'd taken an interest in her, and he didn't feel guilty about it. He didn't know what it meant, this interest, or even why he felt it, but he didn't want to deny it. In fact, at times he wanted desperately to be her best friend. And the time they'd kissed, and the image of his mother came abruptly into his mind just after he'd started to enjoy Asuka's warmth, he felt like he'd done something right for once in his life. And he'd loved that feeling.

The Moonlight Sonata continued to play. Shinji thought about the sheer coincidence of the recent body swap. Just when he'd felt that he'd lost any hope of ever understanding Asuka, now they'd been thrust together again, although in a vexing and curious way. Shinji had always wished he could get inside Asuka's mind, not her body. In truth, he didn't know much about the second child, but taking control of her body was far from an ideal way of getting to know her better. He felt humiliated and ashamed. He felt like he was violating Asuka's trust. He just wished things would go back to normal.

But the second vision he'd had haunted him, and he knew things wouldn't be the same. They couldn't be, now that he knew something about her, a terrible darkness that was eating away at her from the inside, a darkness that would one day consume her. It was a similar darkness to the darkness he'd sometimes imagined he'd seen in Misato. And in Kaji. And especially in his father. That darkness scared him to the marrow of his bones, and he wanted to be as far away from it as possible. Even though he'd sensed that darkness in Asuka, he'd vehemently ignored it. He didn't care if he'd unearth something terrifying, as long as she wouldn't ever leave his side. He needed a strong, faithful companion, someone with patience and understanding that would take the time it took to unravel the protective coils of Shinji's heart. Could Asuka be that person? Would she be?

Shinji didn't like shouldering others with his burdens. He knew it wasn't their responsibility to bear, and he didn't want to look weak. Especially in the eyes of his father, from whom he sought approval and respect. He was growing up, and though he hadn't reached maturity, he was no longer a child. He wanted to prove that to everyone, to reclaim his dignity, but he didn't know how. It didn't come naturally to him, unlike piloting the EVAs. At least he was good at something. He reasoned if he really applied himself to most things, he could achieve great things, but when it came to understanding others, it was a fool's errand. Trying to become more social when you've been out of practice for years isn't easy, he thought.

Misato leaned against the door to Shinji's room, listening, her chest heaving against the doorway. She could hear her heart beating in her head. She rocked on her heels a bit, burped, then steadied herself and placed her fingers upon the door for balance. Her hot breath reeked of cheap beer. She felt a tickling sensation in her lower abdomen. She was horny. She thought about Asuka in Shinji's body, sulking in her room, and of Shinji, probably stretched out on his bed listening to classical music. Oh, what a paradox! She swayed and her cheeks reddened as dirty and perverted thoughts crept like imps into the caverns of her mind. It had been a while since she'd done it with another woman, and the idea of seducing Shinji in Asuka's body was terrifyingly exhilarating and very real. She stifled a husky giggle, then turned and placed her back to the doorway. Her right hand found its way betwixt her thighs, but then she jerked to a stop. Logic and reason arrested her brain. These were kids. Scared, immature kids. How disgustingly selfish of her it was to be thinking about taking advantage of them in their fragile state of mind—and body. She bit her finger as her eyes glazed over with the fog of a coming rain. You're disgusting, she told herself. You're nothing but a selfish whore. How could you make me this way? I hate you! Misato ran from the room and shut herself in her room, and let her tears put her to sleep.

---

The next morning, all three of them were bleary-eyed and fatigued. Doubtless, none of them had slept more than a few hours. They were all jittery. Woken up at the crack of dawn by Rei Ayanami, dispatched by a wizened Ritsuko who had anticipated the trio would oversleep, the three of them were irritable and testy. Rei regarded them with staid curiosity, but diligently hurried them through a dull breakfast during which no conversation was made. They all packed into the company car that had been dispatched, the driver an unpleasantly regular-faced man that anyone could easily forget at the wheel. Misato mumbled something about Ritsuko that Shinji didn't quite hear but got the gist of, and the rest of the journey was made in agonizing silence, except for a moment when Rei Ayanami made an impromptu mention of a favorable looking sky and what a good day it was for synch ratio testing.

When the three of them had to get changed into their plug suits, Asuka stared Shinji down, and he shrugged helplessly.

"Shinji," she flared, "If you do anything funny to me while you're in there…"

"You'll kill me, right, got it," Shinji nodded impatiently.

"I'll kill you," she repeated for effect.

"Well the same goes for you then!" Shinji called before disappearing.

Suddenly Asuka flushed a deep shade of red as she realized she'd have to deal with Shinji's penis for the second time since the tragic turn of events took place. She spouted off a series of German obscenities, then disappeared into the stall. She stripped off Shinji's clothes, reached quickly for his plug suit, and, carefully avoiding that area, pulled the material up over Shinji's body. She pressed the air compressor valve, and the fabric clung to her body. She yelped as she felt the soft material conformed to Shinji's manhood.

Shinji walked out of the stall and tossed Asuka's hair over her shoulders. He shook his head, letting it settle, and looked up to face Ritsuko with her jaw down to the floor.

"What?" he said. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"What you just did. That was funny. It was very Asuka."

Shinji reddened. "Oh… I'm sorry then."

Rei looked at Shinji's stall. "Where is miss Sohryu?"

Ritsuko called over. "Asuka, everything okay in there?"

"I'm not coming out!" she shrieked, Shinji's voice shriller than he himself had ever heard it.

"What, what's wrong?" Ritsuko shouted back?

"What did you do to me?" Shinji cried.

"Wait here," Ritsuko told them, striding hurriedly over to the stall. She peeked in the curtain and Asuka screamed, curling up against the rear wall of the cubicle.

"What? What's wrong?" the doctor demanded.

Asuka flushed uncharted shades of crimson. She shuffled slightly in her position, rotated her hips and pointed. "It got big," she reported.