PART SEVEN
Edmund was standing in the middle of the lawn staring up at the front door when Suzie, Marta, Samuel, and Eliza came walking up the drive on their way home from the bus stop.
"Hiya Eddie," Marta said, coming up behind him to ruffle his straight, black hair. "What are you looking at?"
"I'm scared," he told her. "I don't know if it's safe to go in."
Suzie shot her brother a derisive frown.
"Oh, don't be such an infant," she scorned.
"I'm not being an infant!" Edmund protested. "I just don't want to get in trouble, that's all. Everyone was really angry this morning."
"Yeah, but it wasn't us they were angry at," Suzie pointed out. "It was Dad. Come along, let's just go inside and see what's happening."
"No!" Edmund exclaimed. "Not the front door! Let's go in the side way. It's less likely to be booby trapped."
Samuel shot Marta a significant look.
"He might have a point, you know," he warned.
"I'll vote for the side way," Eliza said archly. "Your Dad has given me enough shocks for one day, thank you very much."
Suzie rolled her golden eyes.
"I say you're all working yourselves up over nothing," she said. "With everyone all furious at Dad over what happened this morning, he's not about to get them even angrier by booby trapping the door. I'm going in."
"But what makes you think they are still angry at Dad?" Edmund asked.
"What makes you think they wouldn't be?" Suzie retorted.
"They're all of them crime fighters, Suzie. Figuring out who did stuff is what they do!"
Eliza blinked in confusion at that remark, but before the light of realization could dawn behind her blue eyes, Marta leapt in.
"Hang on a moment," she said quickly. "I know how to solve this. I'll 'port into the foyer and scope out the situation. If things are safe, I'll open the door. If not, I'll go check out the side door. If all the entrances have been trapped, I'll 'port you all inside. Is that OK?"
Suzie sighed in exasperation, but nodded yes. Edmund and Eliza brightened.
"Yeah," he said. "That would be good."
"Fine then," Marta said. "You all wait here." And in a BAMF of smoke, she was gone.
Kitty, still wearing her hair-concealing cap, sniffed tentatively as she approached the control room.
"Dear God," she frowned in disgust, wrinkling up her nose. "What in the world is that stench? It's worse than low tide in summer!"
"We know," Brian said, the plastic clip on his nose making his voice sound rather odd. "That vile elf must have planted it this morning, when he was setting everything up."
"We've been searching for the source of the stink for three minutes now," Moira informed her, choosing to pinch her nose shut with her fingers rather than wear an undignified clip. "I've always said this room needed windows."
Kitty shook her head, the strong, fishy smell starting to make her feel sick.
"Oh man," she said, "that fuzzy elf is going down. This is disgusting."
"Instead of standing there and telling us what we already know," Moira snapped, "why don't you come over here and help us find the source?"
Kitty tried to take a step into the room, but was hit by a second wave of reeking fish that knocked her back into the corridor, coughing.
"Oh," she moaned, wiping her watering eyes. "Oh, God. I am never eating fish again."
Just then, a speeding blur of red curls and indigo-blue fur came racing down the corridor.
"Hey, Auntie Kitty," the blur said as she wooshed by.
Before Kitty could think to ask her where she was going in such a hurry, she was distracted by Moira's annoyed voice.
"So, are ye coming in or what?"
"Or what," Kitty replied, crossing her arms firmly over her chest.
"Come on, Kate, get over it," Brian said. "I have another clip here if you need it."
Kitty just shook her head, her back to her teammates and the offensive room.
"Have you checked behind the computer yet?" she asked.
"Yes," Moira said tersely. "And I got on my hands and knees to look underneath it as well."
Kitty glanced over her shoulder to see where Moira was pointing.
"No!" she said. "Not the console. I mean the old computer, the one we use to write up all our mission reports. Have you checked in the CPU?"
"Wait a second," Brian said, crossing the room and reaching over the antique flat-screen monitor to the CPU tower. Carefully prying off the flat top, he felt around inside for a few tense moments, then pulled out-
"Oh, gross!" Kitty exclaimed. "What is that?"
Moira blinked at the brown, shriveled fish from behind her glasses.
"I believe it's a kipper," she said.
"It used to be," Brian confirmed, dumping the unfortunate smoked herring in the lidded dustbin and wiping his hand on his trousers. "The computer must have warmed it up, and the fan inside blew the smell around the room."
"Nasty," Kitty shuddered, swallowing hard against her rising revulsion.
"Kitty," Moira asked, the furrow of her brow growing somewhat suspicious, "what made you think to look in there?"
Kitty shrugged, still struggling to calm her leaping stomach.
"That's where I would have hidden it if I were Kurt."
Brian and Moira just looked at her.
Kitty's jaw dropped in outraged protest as she suddenly realized what they were considering.
"Look, guys, I did not do this," she asserted. "I swear! It's just that after thirty years, I know how the fuzzball thinks."
She paused, realizing what she'd just said.
"There's a disturbing thought," she commented with an unsettled shake of her head. Then she forced herself back on track.
"In any case, that's also why I think I know the perfect place to set up that cornstarch. But we can't talk about it here."
She swallowed again, making a face at the dustbin.
"Let's go to the drawing room and give this place some time to air out."
Moira looked to Brian, who shrugged gamely. But as he turned to follow Kitty, Moira tapped him on the shoulder.
"You won't be needing this in there," she said, pulling the clip from his nose with a snap and a smirk.
Brian frowned, rubbing his nose with a sardonic, "Thanks."
"Don't mention it," Moira smiled, tossing the clip onto the console and breezing her way from the room.
"OK, guys," Marta said to the waiting kids, starting to speak even before the curls of dark teleport smoke had a chance to dissipate around her. "I checked both the front and side doors and neither of them have been tampered with in any way. I think we're safe."
Edmund and Eliza breathed out a huge sigh of relief. Suzie just smirked.
"Good to hear," she said, already striding towards the front steps. "Red Dwarf is coming on in fifteen minutes."
"Not so fast!" Marta held up a hand, a crafty smile creeping over her dark lips. "Don't you want to know what I saw while I was in there?"
Suzie was annoyed when she started to turn around, but when she caught the look on her sister's face her golden eyes took on a gleam of wicked curiosity.
"I thought that would catch your attention," Marta said.
"Well, don't keep us in suspense," Suzie said, jumping down the stairs to land on the short grass. "Tell us what you saw! Has Auntie Kitty washed that gunk out of her hair yet?"
"Not yet," Marta smiled. "She's taken to hiding it under a hat. But what I have to tell you is far more interesting than that."
"Did they find the kipper yet?" Edmund asked. From the lashing of his tail, it was clear to see that his curiosity was rapidly gaining ground over his anxiety.
Marta had to cover her mouth with both hands to keep in the giggles.
"Oh, yes," she assured him. "Uncle Brian and Dr. MacTaggert were in the control room when I passed by, and Auntie Kitty was in the hall. She was too grossed out by the smell even to step inside!"
At the mental picture conjured by her words, Suzie and Edmund instantly dissolved into hysterical giggles.
Samuel seemed concerned and even a little disapproving.
Eliza just looked confused.
"What kipper?" she asked, starting to get angry. "What are you all talking about?"
Marta shook her head, gasping as she struggled to get enough of a handle on her laughter to speak.
"It-" she giggled, "it doesn't matter about the-the kipper!"
Taking a deep breath, she straightened, smoothing her wild curls with one hand.
"No, that wasn't what I wanted to tell you."
"What was, then?" Suzie demanded.
"After I passed the control room, I hid at the end of the hall and listened to what they were saying. And I think that Auntie Kitty has a plan to get back at Dad for this morning. She and the others are talking about it in the drawing room right now…something to do with cornstarch, I think."
"Cornstarch?" Edmund repeated uncomprehendingly. "What can they do with that?"
Suzie shot them all a sudden, fierce grin.
"Let's find out!" she said, hopping back onto the stairs so she could address them all from a greater height. "Maybe they'll let us give them a hand!"
"Oooohhhh," Marti snickered darkly, rubbing her hands together. "Wouldn't that just beat all. And it would make our trick all the sweeter when we drop the bomb at supper."
"Bomb!" Eliza's eyes went wide. "Surely you don't mean-"
"Figure of speech, sis," Samuel told her out of the side of his mouth.
"Oh," Eliza said, brightening again. "Well, if Father and everyone have a plan to get back at Uncle Kurt, I for one would like to help. After the shock he gave me this morning, I think he deserves everything that's coming to him."
"So it's down to you, Samuel," Marti said. "You in?"
Samuel looked around at the expectant faces of his sister and his friends then, finally, he sighed.
"All right," he said. "But you are going to explain everything at supper, right?"
"Of course!" Marti, Suzie, and Edmund chorused. Samuel raised a blonde eyebrow. Marti grinned.
"Now, gather round, everybody," she said, reaching out with her arms and her tail as the others crowded in around her. "And we'll be off in one…two…"
BAMF!
"But are you sure that's the best place?" Brian asked, resting his chin on his knuckles as he looked over at Kitty from the sofa. "That cornstarch is sure to make one hell of a mess."
"Exactly!" Kitty exclaimed, practically bouncing with excitement in the overstuffed chair. "Kurt just cleaned the entire kitchen this morning! It'll kill him to have to do it again!"
Brian nodded, a devious light starting to flicker in his blue eyes.
"Ah," he said. "I understand."
"So," Moira broke in. "We're decided on the kitchen, then. My question is: where in the kitchen are we going to set it up? And how will be sure that the cornstarch will land on Kurt and not, say, Alice, Meggan, or Alistaire-or even one of the kids if they happen to go into the kitchen first?"
"She's got a point," Brian said. "We only have the one bag, after all, and we don't want to waste it."
"No need to worry, folks," Kitty smiled. "I've got it covered. You know how Kurt is always careful to teleport to the far side of the kitchen-by the cabinets and away from the stove and table?"
Brian frowned.
"He does?"
"Aye," Moira nodded, comprehension of Kitty's plan starting to dawn. "So he runs less risk of 'porting into something-or someone-unexpected, right?"
"Right," Kitty said. "So, all we have to do is set up the cornstarch so it falls over him once he 'ports-maybe with some twine, or by balancing it on an open cabinet door or something."
"The cabinet door!" a new voice exclaimed enthusiastically from the hallway, causing the three adults to jump in their seats. A moment later, the conspirators were stunned to see all five of the Excalibur children crowd into the room, each of them wearing an eager grin.
"That would be certain to work," Marti continued, her night-goggle-green eyes gleaming at the implications of Kitty's plan. "Dad always 'ports in at least two feet above the floor, so if the explosion from the teleport doesn't knock the bag down, the vibrations from his landing surely will!"
"What are you doing here?" Kitty demanded, jumping to her feet and staring down each of them in turn. "Have you been eavesdropping on us?"
"Only a little," Suzie said. "We came to help."
Brian looked confused.
"Why would you want to help us prank your father?" he asked her.
"Because he wouldn't prank us," Edmund replied instead, crossing his arms in a pouty sort of way.
Kitty raised an eyebrow, sharing a look with Moira.
"OK," she said after a moment's consideration. "That's good enough for us. You're in. Now, here's what I want you to do…"
"Here they come!" Alice hissed, tip-toeing quickly from the stairway to where her husband was standing by the main control panel to Excalibur's exercise/training room.
This high-tech jungle of obstacle courses, acrobatic equipment, and holographic emitters took up the entirety of Braddock Manor's extensive basement complex. It was basically an updated, specialized equivalent to the Danger Room Kurt, Kitty, and Alice had trained in as teenagers at Xavier's New York mansion, back when the X-Men were just getting their start. The walls, ceiling, and floor were reinforced with a special duranium alloy that had been developed for the construction of the outer hulls of space shuttles, and the control stations were shielded by thick sheets of transparent aluminum. (1)
In short, Excalibur's training room was shockproof, soundproof, laser-proof, fireproof, waterproof, explosion-proof, and the perfect place for a mutant superhero to release some steam after a long day.
"Are you ready?" Alice asked.
Kurt nodded and favored his wife with a confident grin.
"Trust me, Schatz," he assured her, "I can take anything those amateurs can dish out."
He chuckled, his tail swishing with anticipation.
"This is going to be good."
The rakish expression on her husband's face made Alice's heart melt. As she watched his long tail flick past her, a mischievous gleam sparked in her dark eyes. She grabbed the fuzzy spade and used it to reel him close to her. Then, weaving her fingers into his wavy hair, she planted a lingering kiss on his lips-only to break away with a wink.
"That's one for luck," she told him, a wicked smile spreading across her copper face as the footsteps on the stairs grew louder. "See you at supper, love."
Kurt grinned, but before he could reply she had already turned away to address the noisy intruders as she passed them on the stairs.
"If you're looking for your father, he's over there," she pointed. Then, with a final wave, she turned the corner of the spiral staircase and was gone.
Kurt stared after her for a few moments, looking for all the world like an infatuated schoolboy, until the cries and tugs from his children snapped him back to the present.
"Guten Abend, Kinder," he greeted them with a smile. "You wanted to see me?"
"Well, actually," Marta said, "we came to get you for supper."
"Yeah," Edmund nodded. "Uncle Alistaire did the cooking tonight. He made that pre-cooked pot roast from the store with potatoes and carrots and those little Yorkshire pudding things that come frozen in a bag."
"Um hmm," Suzie nodded, her golden eyes glinting with mischief. "And Auntie Kitty made you something extra special for a starter."
"Yeah, Daddy," Edmund said, pulling on his father's sleeve. "You've got to come see!"
"Yeah, Dad," Marti grinned. "We can have a race. Who can 'port to the kitchen the fastest!" Her green eyes twinkled. "I'll take Suzie and Edmund so we'll be even," she taunted.
Kurt raised his eyebrows. He'd had no idea his children were such terrific actors. For a moment, he wasn't sure whether to be proud, annoyed, or very, very frightened. In the end, he settled for playing along-at least for now. Marta's last comment, clearly designed to get him riled enough to overlook their obvious set-up, had actually succeeded in galling him. Knowing she was the ring-leader of the irksome little farce his children had put him through that morning only made the thought of his coming revenge that much sweeter.
"So, you want a race?" he said, placing his hands on his hips. "You've got one. Countdown from drei, ready?"
Marta nodded, her eyes brimming with sly confidence as she took her siblings by the shoulder. Their indigo faces locking in an expression of total concentration, the two teleporters called out the numbers in unison-
"Drei…zwei…eins!"
-before vanishing with two simultaneous clouds of smoke and a loud:
BA-BAMF-MF!
(1) For details on the inception and development of transparent aluminum, see the movie Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
To Be Continued…