*Hey guys! New Oswin chapter. This is a much shorter one, and not my best, I don't think, but I felt it was important to underline the shift in the Doctor and Oswin's relationship and how unsustainable it has become. Anyway, I hope you guys like it anyway, next chapter will be up Saturday :) 3 chapters left now :P As ever, thank you so much for reading, reviewing, following and favouriting. TPD*
The next couple of weeks were strange. Oswin had prepared herself for all manner of possibilities, but the simple fact was that things were awkward between them, nothing more and nothing less. Her jokes were shaky, the Doctor's retorts were even shakier. Every so often, she'd catch him looking at her a certain way and it would send a blush to her cheeks and a shiver down her spine. Because she could tell what he was thinking. And she hated it. She hated that he felt that way about her and that he was either trying to think of ways to win her over or worse, torturing himself over the realisation that he couldn't. But they had both decided that the best way to move forward was to pretend that nothing had happened. After all, that was what they both wanted. The Doctor wanted to pretend that he hadn't spilled his heart on the table in front of Oswin and Oswin wanted to pretend that she hadn't had to break his heart.
Even so, pretending that nothing had happened proved harder than before. The changes were subtle but they were there. Oswin was spending more and more time in her bedroom and the gaps between their trips were widening. If she wanted to go somewhere, more often than not, she'd have to go to him as he rarely came to her room anymore. Oswin herself had changed the way she dressed, the way she acted towards him. She was a lot more tentative and stopped dressing provocatively, now acutely aware of the subtle glances that he shot her when he thought she wasn't looking or the little flush in his cheeks when she wore a gorgeous dress.
Gradually, things started to improve. They managed to reform a level of comfort around each other as Oswin forced herself to remember all the reasons that she liked the Doctor and all the ways in which she needed him. Their friendship managed to solidify and the awkwardness started to melt away. But there were still lingering doubts, lingering little things. Like when she caught him staring at her and she didn't have the heart to make a bristling comment, or when she accidently teased him about having a crush on her, forgetting her position, just for a moment and then the wave of uncomfortable silence would descent before they were stammering apologies at each other and avoiding eye contact for the rest of the day.
Secretly, Oswin was still hoping that the Doctor would realise he didn't love Oswin and that everything could go back to the way that it was. She often wondered if he thought the same thing. Of course he did. But he no doubt hoped that she would change the way she felt about him. That wasn't happening. As bad as Oswin felt, nothing had changed between them. It was a couple of months before Oswin finally felt back at home in the TARDIS and even then, it was marked by pointed silences and awkward moments. But the moments were still few and far between and Oswin was finally comfortable with the situation.
One day, the realisation struck her that she had been travelling on the TARDIS for what must have been close to a year. A whole year. And she was simultaneously so much closer to the man who had saved her from the Asylum and yet at the same time, no closer at all. He was still so distant, so alone and so lonely. She could see it in his eyes sometimes, the pain of a man who had lived far too long and suffered way too much. She wanted to make things better for him and yet she was now the one hurting him the most.
"Something the matter Oswin?" he asked her gently, and she felt pains run through her. Was that the way it would always be from now on? Whenever she remembered how much she was hurting him then she'd flinch away from him?
"No," she insisted with a smile that didn't her eyes. He didn't press the issue. He probably understood. Either that or he believed her. "I was just thinking, it's been nearly a year since I…you know, got out."
He seemed to stiffen a moment and Oswin wondered if the guilt of what she was doing to him would ever go away. Then he turned back to her, a huge grin on his face and he tapped her nose playfully. Oswin wanted to believe his cheeriness more than anything.
"I suppose we should go on a special trip then?" he laughed. "Where do you fancy Oswin Oswald?"
Oswin wasn't really in the mood, but nevertheless, she plastered a smile on her face and shrugged her shoulders, flicking her hair over one shoulder. She was wearing jeans and a jumper. She did a lot of that lately. She wasn't sure if the Doctor was grateful or frustrated, but he hadn't mentioned it. They rarely talked properly anymore, it was all trivial, superfluous, as if some unwritten code existed between them not to talk about things of serious nature, for fear of the awkwardness and pain that would follow.
"Take me anywhere Chin!" she told him, crossing her arms and strolling closer to the console. "Somewhere fitting."
"Somewhere fitting?" the Doctor rolled his eyes and Oswin allowed herself a giggle. It felt good. She rarely giggled any more. "Well then Soufflé Girl, how does cocktails sound? Cocktails…on the Moon?"
"Cocktails on the Moon?" she rolled her eyes. "Please, Moon bars are so 3500, take me to a real bar Chin boy!"
Was this such a good idea? The Doctor, her, alcohol? Oswin shrugged off the nagging feeling eating away at her. She would be careful. She couldn't spend the rest of her life pussyfooting around the Doctor, it was ridiculous. Besides, he was a Time Lord, he probably could handle alcohol so much better than her…Oswin remembered her last encounters with the Doctor and alcohol and snorted at that. He shot her a look and she smiled, giggling to herself. What's the worst that could happen?
"You want a real bar?" he smirked. "The Alicantie Bar, on the planet Venus, the year is 1708, about a hundred years before Venus is abandoned when the people of Earth become intelligent enough to start to determine that there may be life on other planets. They're scared of the humans," he paused at this. "Can't say I blame them. Anyway, one of the greatest bars in history, shut down ahead of its time. You in?"
"Will we be able to breathe?" Oswin frowned and the Doctor shrugged and informed her that there was an atmospherical shell. Oswin was sceptical but as they stepped out of the TARDIS, into what struck Oswin as a giant, interstellar parking lot and they gazed at the giant purple building ahead of them, Oswin's breath was taken away by the sights, not the lack of oxygen. Aliens, so many aliens. She stammered, looking for the words and then the Doctor was ushering her through the crowds. She was taking in by the whirlwind of purple neon lights and people chattering away in languages that were quickly being translated, even the TARDIS struggling to change them all into English in time, the Doctor nattering away.
Suddenly, they were at the bar and Oswin was being thrust a drink by someone. She was about to drink it when the Doctor stuck his hand out and took it from her. She frowned at him and he handed her another drink, which she sipped. It tasted nice and she raised an eyebrow at him.
"You need to be careful in these places," he informed her, sipping on his own drink. "Not every drink is suitable for human consumption. That drink would probably have melted your liver and I assume that you have an amicable relationship with your liver?"
"Amicable isn't the word I would use," Oswin shot back. "But I do appreciate you letting it not get melted."
She was smiling into her drink now and the Doctor was telling her some story but she wasn't listening. The drink was tasty but she was lost to her own thoughts. About him, about everything. About how she could fix the mess she had ended up with as a life. She sighed and finished her drink, looking to the Doctor to order her another one, because she was still wary of his comment about the liver melting. He slid her another drink and she found herself desperate to be drunk. Desperate just to be able forget everything.
"Get me something stronger!" she shouted to the barman.
"Oswin!" the Doctor warned but she rolled her eyes at him as she finished the drink that he had offered her. The barman returned with her drink and she indicated to the Doctor. "It's safe but it's strong," he admitted and she drank quickly, pulling a face at the taste. He was staring at her now, concern written all over his face. She wrenched away from his face, she couldn't stand to see him caring for her. It hurt so much, knowing that he would give everything for her and she didn't feel the same way about him. She could feel his eyes burning into the side of her head and she drank quicker, turning back to glare at him.
"Would you stop looking at me like that?" she snapped. "Like I'm some puppy that you need to protect. I was doing just fine until you came along and I'm doing fine now!"
Lies of course, she'd been at breaking point in the Asylum and she felt like shit now. But she was sick of his judgement, of his looks. He was either pitying her or ogling her and she was sick of both. Of course it wasn't that simple, but the alcohol burning in her veins made it more simple. He was looking at her again and she swivelled to push him away. But he wasn't looking at her at all. He was staring into his own drink, looking ashamed of himself. Oswin felt worse than ever. He couldn't control the way he felt for her and it wasn't his fault. She had no right to be so angry with him.
"This isn't working, is it?" Oswin murmured. "Us. Being friends."
The Doctor looked at her and frowned, his face examining her. She hated to admit it, but things were not getting better. Not really. They could put on a semblance of normality for the sake of their friendship, but things were different. And they both needed some clarification. Some time to think and assess where the hell they were at.
"I don't think it is," the Doctor admitted. "I think we just both some time alone to re-evaluate what we want from this…"
Oswin didn't want to go home, not even for a little while, but at this stage of the game, it looked like there was no other real option. It had taken a little booze and a lot of awkwardness to get her to this point so she stared at the Doctor. He shrugged.
"Take me home?" Oswin said gently. "You go off and take as much time as you need. Either to get over me or to find a way to cope with your feelings for me. And once you feel you can cope, come back. I'll give you two weeks Doctor. Come back within two weeks or don't come back at all. Go off and decide what you want and how you're going to get it and if you still want to travel with me, I'll be waiting for you."
The Doctor nodded, digesting the information. One of the perks of having a time machine, Oswin decided was that he could take 100 years to make his decision and she wouldn't have to wait one hundred years for him. Oswin trudged back to the TARDIS, her head feeling clearer than ever, as if the swirling of the alcohol had provided much needed clarity. The Doctor was staring at her as the TARDIS took off and he was still looking at her when it landed with a crashing halt. She didn't want to make things awkward, but nevertheless, she ran across the console and pulled him into a crashing hug.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Please come back for me."
She hadn't realised it until that moment but she needed him. She needed the TARDIS. Without them, she didn't know what she was, who she was. It was as if she had been born to travel with him. And more than that, she sensed that he needed her too. She didn't like to think what would happen to him if he travelled alone for too long. She knew that she'd seen him again, she just knew it. He nodded to her and then she skipped out of the TARDIS. The Doctor was going to come back. He had to.