*Hello troops! Another day, another Oswin chapter. I'm fairly happy with this one, as I think it sums up the only possible out for the Doctor and Oswin. But it's more than that. In any case, there's only two left, so I hope you like this one! Next one will be Monday, then the final chapter will be Tuesday. As ever, thank you so much for reading, reviewing, following and favouriting and please please review and let me know your thoughts. TPD*
The next two weeks were always going to be tough. But Oswin didn't really quite how tough. She couldn't sleep, afraid that if she did, she would miss the whining, wheezing of the TARDIS arriving. When she did fall asleep, she had nightmares that the Doctor had left her in the Asylum. Surrounded by Daleks. They got in of course, they always did and Oswin woke, sweating and shaking. She could never admit to him how bad the nightmares were; because that would mean admitting she was scared of Daleks. He was never scared of Daleks. It was easy for him, he hadn't had to try and sleep to sounds of their shrieking every night for a year.
When Oswin was awake, she was constantly on edge. She spent the first day or so reasoning that she hadn't needed to give him two weeks, he had a time machine, he could pop up within a day of leaving. But when he didn't show, she had to come up with new logic, new reasoning, new comfort. She had to find ways to reassure herself that the Doctor was coming back. She had ideas, of course. She needed time to process how she was going to deal with him when he did come back and the inevitable possibility of an overshoot, so poor was his TARDIS flying. Oswin needed to keep running scenarios over in her head, it was that or entertain the possibility that he wasn't coming back for her. Which he was. Of course he was. Oswin didn't think for a moment that he wasn't coming back.
At least that's what she told herself. Because there was always that aching, niggling doubt, warning her that she couldn't afford to get her hopes up. Because why would he come back for her, when all she had given him was pain and heartbreak? Oswin told herself that his feelings for her would bring him back, but then it was his feelings for her that had driven them into this mess. The question wasn't whether he would come back, but whether he should. After all, if he couldn't shake off his problematic feelings, or find a way to deal with them, then they were right back where they started. And Oswin didn't know what they'd do if that was the case.
Oswin also felt guilty that the pressure should be on the Doctor. She was just as likely to fall in love with him that he was out of love with her, right? This was another thought that she dismissed out of hand when it cropped up. She didn't know what more the Doctor could do to inspire her love. He'd rescued her from hell, slept with her, shown her time and space and been the most kind and caring person she'd ever met. Oswin knew that she would never fall for the Doctor and that was the crux of their problem. More than that though, the problem was that if the Doctor stopped loving her, which could take him a long time, he would have no incentive to come back for her or worse, he would think he was out of love with her and then he'd come crashing right back into it.
These were the doubts that plagued Oswin over the two weeks she waited for the Doctor. And as steadfast as she was in her belief that he would return, her security in that knowledge was increasingly shaky. The doubts crept into every corner, every moment, until the two weeks were almost up and Oswin had even started to question him. But the questions were about more than just if he did come back, but what would happen when…if he did.
Oswin tried to relax. She thought that hearing that groaning, wheezing noise, would somehow reassure her. That the knowledge that he was back, that he hadn't abandoned her would be a relief. But it wasn't. Instead, she just felt sick to her stomach with nerves, unable to untangle the knot in her stomach, forcing herself to take deep breaths as she smoothed down her dress and hair. The TARDIS doors flew open and there he was in front of her, a glint in his eyes, his hair quiffed up as ever and the beige suit he wore was complimented with his favourite red bow tie. It reminded Oswin of the dress she'd worn when they first met in the Asylum. It was the dress she was wearing now.
"Aha, there you are Soufflé Girl!" he laughed. "Sorry for taking so long, I wanted to give you the maximum time possible to get your head in order. Not that you needed it, but hey ho. So, are you coming?"
"That depends Chin," Oswin said uncertainly, but feeling hopeful. "How's your head?"
"I feel a lot better," he said with a smile that Oswin trusted, because she could see in his eyes that it was genuine. "I just needed a month or so to detox myself, purge the unclean thoughts from my head, as it were. I'm feeling…refulgent!" He twirled and rubbed his hands together. If it was an act, it was a very convincing one. Maybe it was better if Oswin didn't question it, if she just accepted it.
"Okay then," Oswin gave him a nervous look but she believed him. Or wanted to believe him. She supposed that in the end, it didn't make a vast amount of difference. Suddenly she was hugging him and that felt good, his warm chest against her, the little chuckle he gave, somewhere above her head and then he tapped her nose affectionately.
"Ready to go?" he asked again, clearly impatient to on his way. Oswin rolled her eyes at this, it was typical Doctor to be so eager to get going, so ready just to drop everything.
"Not just yet," Oswin smirked. If he was going to be his usual, irritating self then so was she. She had really missed the constant tug of war between them, the constant battle for supremacy in their relationship that had been missing the last few months. "I just need to double check my packing, don't want to forget anything now, do I?" she said sweetly.
The Doctor was rolling his eyes and grumbling, in that way that he always did. He loved it really, she could see it on his face, and he was amused by her, like she was a child or a puppy. She hated it when he was patronising but then she was just as likely to patronise him right back. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest dynamic, Oswin reasoned, but it had worked really well for them while they'd been doing it, certainly a lot better than their dynamic recently. She questioned how much of that was down to her own personality, vivid, rough, guarded. She didn't know what she made of herself, except that at times she worried if there was something wrong with her. How could there not be, after the Asylum. But then he'd made her a more complete person, she was sure of it.
Oswin finished packing and threw him her bags, laughing to herself as he struggled to carry them into the TARDIS, grunting under the weight of all of Oswin's stuff. Neither of them mentioned how much stuff she'd left on the TARDIS when she left anyway, as they had both known that he was coming back, no matter how much Oswin tried to psyche herself out of it. He was still looking pissed off when he returned to the console room to see her lean smugly against the console.
"Did you have to bring so much stuff?" he grunted.
"Of course I did dear," she giggled. "What better way to show you who's boss than have you carry my bags?" She felt so much better it was unreal. Whatever the Doctor had done to his head, it had managed to make things normal between them and whilst she found it difficult to believe, she wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth…
She had bought it then. The Doctor had spent the last month trying to pull himself together, trying to compose himself. But every time he thought of Oswin, he burned, like an uncontrollable fire, one that he wasn't sure he knew how to quell. He could stop himself from loving her, he reckoned, given enough time and the right memory altering techniques. But that wasn't what he wanted. That wouldn't work, but it meant that when he went back for her, he either wouldn't want to go back for her, or he'd just fall in love with her. No, those were temporary and haphazard fixes. There had to be some way to make himself stop being in love with Oswin, to preserve their friendship.
Then it had hit him, like a wave. He had been inspired by the Cybermen, of all things. He had found an empty suit and pretended to be a Cyberman, in order to slip past their defences. All he had to do was act emotionless. And that had been when it had hit him. In order to preserve his friendship with Oswin, he didn't need to stop loving her. He didn't need to be a Cyberman. All that mattered was that she thought he was. That she thought that he'd stop loving her. And it would be easier than the Cyberman case, because it was what she wanted. Oswin wanted him not to love her, which would make the lie so much easier to buy. Even if she could see through his disguise, she would convince herself that it was genuine, because it was the only way. She was as desperate as he was for things to go back to normal, so maybe all it needed was for them to be normal about it. He knew that it was far from the best plan he'd ever had, but it was the only plan he had. It had to work.
So he practiced. He trained himself not to shoot looks at Oswin when he thought she was oblivious, to stop doing silly things like kissing her cheek or being overly tender. He could be the same abrasive Doctor he had always been. And it was easy. The flustering, the emotion, it was all real and Oswin could accept that, but the real feelings he had were easy to conceal. The Doctor was a natural born liar; all he'd needed was a head start, an excuse. He needed Oswin to have reason to believe him and he could run with it. So he gave her the two weeks she had requested and he ensured that his armour was intact. He knew her well enough to fool her. This would be easy.
The second the TARDIS touched down, the Doctor felt nerves crashing through him. But he had always been very good at supressing nerves. He stepped out. She looked exactly like she did when he rescued her from the Asylum, all unkempt hair and gorgeous red dress. He wanted to throw himself onto her, his resolve already weakening. But he was better than that. He was stronger.
"Aha, there you are Soufflé Girl!" he grinned at her, letting himself laugh a little. Hopefully, he seemed normal. "Sorry for taking so long, I wanted to give you the maximum time possible to get your head in order. Not that you needed it, but hey ho. So, are you coming?"
She seemed tentative. Of course she did. She was weighing up whether or not it was genuine. She was asking about his head, he was going to have to be convincing with his lie. Okay Doctor, time to put on a show.
"I feel a lot better," he said, giving her his best smile and his brightest eyes. Oswin always thought she could read his eyes; the Doctor knew better. "I just needed a month or so to detox myself, purge the unclean thoughts from my head, as it were. I'm feeling…refulgent!"
She was starting to accept it; he could see it written all over her face. She said it too, the words she didn't say looping over the ones she did. She was walking towards him at a rapid rate and then she was in his arms. The hug felt good and the Doctor was forced to supress all of his tender and not so tender urges. He settled for a nose tap, thinking that would go down better than a head kiss. Judging by her reaction, he'd nailed it.
"Ready to go?" the Doctor asked, his voice oozing confidence. Confidence was the key to putting on a show, lose your confidence and they don't believe you. You almost have to believe yourself. And Oswin believed him, he could tell. She had her swagger back, her guard was back up but loosened, so she wasn't completely letting him in, but neither was she blocking him out. She was throwing bags at him, clothes that he wasn't even aware she owned being piled onto him. He threw out the odd grunt or grumble as he carried Oswin's clothes into her bedroom, which was exactly how she'd left it, he'd not been able to bring himself to go in there. He was hit by a wave of Oswin as he entered it, as it looked and smelled just like her. He dumped her stuff, took a deep breath and recomposed himself.
"Did you have to bring so much stuff?" the Doctor moaned.
"Of course I did dear," she replied, doing her most adorable giggle that sent shivers down the Doctor's spine. "What better way to show you who's boss than have you carry my bags?"
Oswin had bought it. The Doctor allowed himself to relax; he was in complete control of the situation now. All he needed to do was keep her thinking things were normal. After all that was what they both wanted, what they both needed. He smiled wickedly at her and she grinned back. They were both thinking the same thing. It was good to have things back to normal.
The Doctor flipped the switches, pumped the levers and rammed the buttons, Oswin's cackling as she clung for dear life to railings music to his ears. He hadn't decided where they were going, where he even wanted to go. But the choice was swiftly taken away from him. The console started beeping and the Doctor crossed to check what it was.
"Distress signal!" he called to Oswin. "Shall we check it out?"
"I'm surprised you even have to ask."