Wings to Fly
Flushing toilet; her head hitting the wall; hair pulling; clothes diasappearing; tripping in the middle of the corridor; screaming; threatening, laughing; laughing; laughing; and the spinning around; everything becoming blurry and mixed up; and Mikan had to breath in really deep to shook it out of her head.
She was falling into a panic attack and she had to prevent that.
She was hiding in the loo, crouching next to the toiler, her head in between her knees. She was breathing uncontrolably, her whole body shaking as her mind provided memories of those dreadful four years.
She reached for her phone in her bag, but her hands were shaking so much that when she grabbed it, it fell out of her hands, and hit the floor. She grabed it and pressed it to her chest.
Her therapist told her what to do during such moments, but she was yet to get a grip of herself. She would be throwing up soon if she did not gain control over herself. She slowly looked up, her eyes red and a few tears escaping. She leaned back on the closed door and put her hands on her chest, trying to think how to breath.
Slowly.
Think of a place you would like to be, Mikan, the therapist had told her. A meadow. A beautiful green meadow with flowers dancing in the wind and fresh air filled with the sweetnes of spring time. That is where she would like to be. Lying on the grass, her hair surrounding her head, the breeze carressing her skin, the grass tickling her nose and making her giggle.
Mikan's breathing finally eavened. Her hands were still shaking but the anxiety was gone. The panic was gone. She was all right. She was not in high school anymore. She was in college now. She had friends, and she was good at what she was doing. Her mother was proud of her. She was ok.
She was ok.
''I'm ok.'' She whispered to herself. ''I'm ok.'' She repeated a few times and then finally relaxed. She slowly stood up and opened the door. She washed her face, put some make up on her face again and walked out of the loo.
''Calm down, Mikan. There's nothing to be afraid of.'' She thought to herself. And it was not like she were afraid of Natsume. She did have a more or less normal conversation with him the last time she saw him. She told him exactly what she thought of him, and he did behave like a normal human in the last few weeks before he and his friends were locked up. But seeing him here was a bit of a shock to her. It brought up bad memories. She returned to her friends and apologized to have run away like that. She did not tell them the reason, and they did not push her.
Her therapist told her she should face her problem and in a way face the boy. It would help her leave her past behind her.
When she saw Natsume again a few days later, she did not run away anymore. She passed him with a glance and he glanced at her, and this happened a few more times. Then one day, Mikan nodded in greeting at him, and he nodded back. She felt better after that.
They greeted each other like that for a few months until Mikan decided to make an important step forward. When she noticed him in the entrance hall again, his new friends next to him, she gently waived her hand at him, once he glanced at her. He looked at her and waived back. But then Mikan did something else. With her hand, she indicated to him to wait for a moment. She turned towards her friends and smiled. ''Go on without me. I'll just greet someone.''
Hotaru watched her carefully and nodded.
''We'll be at the cafeteria.'' Told her Tsubasa.
''Alright. See you.'' She walked forward towards Natsume and he walked towards her. They met in the middle and Mikan reluctantly greeted him.
''Hey, Sakura-san.'' He greeted back. ''So you study here. Which department are you in?''
''I'm in the Design Department. You?''
''Computer Science. I enrolled this year.''
Mikan nodded, but did not know what else to say.
''How have you been?'' Natsume breathed out, obviously as nervous as she. He was fidgeting, and shifted his weight from one foot to another.
''Good. I- I met nice people here and school is great. You?''
''I'm fine too. I…'' he gulped. ''I'm still on therapy, so…''
''Yeah… Yeah… Me too.''
Natume glanced around, unsure how to start the more serious conversation. He looked at her again; making Mikan's heart beat like crazy again. ''Hey, would you-''
''I'm sorry, Hyuuga-san. But I'll have to go now. I promised my friends to meet them.'' Mikan quickly interrupted his invitation for a talk, still not ready to face him. Natsume's shoulders fell and he looked disappointed. But he smiled warily anyway and nodded. ''All right. Then maybe next time.''
''Yeah…'' Mikan whispered and waived her hand in goodbye. She walked away towards the cafeteria, glancing one last time at Natsume. He watched her walk away with the same wary expression and he waived at her in goodbye.
Mikan took a deep breath and smiled to herself. She was improving. She was definitely improving. Once she arrived at the cafeteria, her friends started to ask her about Natsume.
''He's an acquaintance from High School. I passed him many times since the beginning of school and I thought it would be time to actually greet him properly.'' She explained.
''He's hot.'' Commented Misaki and Tsubasa glared at her. Even Hotaru admitted that this was true. Hayate and Tsubasa glared at the girls. ''Superficial much?'' Tsubasa mumbled.
''Look who's talking.'' Misaki told him sarcastically with a smirk.
''Mikan, he's not your boyfriend, isn't he?'' Akira asked jealously and frowned. Mikan shook her head and did not say about anything Natsume anymore. For the next few days, the two of them greeted each other as they did up until now. But at the end of the week, it was Natsume who gathered his courage and indicated to her to talk to him after classes.
Mikan again excused herself from her friends and took a deep breath. Her therapist told her that she should work on this matter between them. She walked towards Natsume and he walked towards her again.
''Hey…'' she greeted him.
''Hello. How are you?'' he asked, again visibly nervous.
''Quite all right. I had a nice week. You?''
''I'm also ok.'' He took a deep breath. ''Hey… Would you take a walk with me?'' and talk to me, was his hidden question, but Mikan understood. It had to happen. She wanted it to happen. She wanted to leave the past behind and live a normal life. And she could do that only after she finally faced Natsume.
''Yeah… Yeah, I'll go.'' She told him, her hands shaking slightly.
Natsume's eyes widened and he smiled gently. ''Great… Great, shall we go to the park?''
Mikan nodded and together they walked out of the building and through the Campus park. They sat down on a bench and were silent for a moment.
''Thanks for listening.''
''Yeah… I wanted to.'' She glanced at him, but he was staring in front of himself.
''I was in the community home for almost a year and I took therapy there. I graduated from High School right after I came out and now I'm here…'' he looked at her, his eyes remorseful. ''I'm sorry, Mikan. For everything what I've done. I had been a horrible person and I'm aware that nothing will make it good, but I… I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.''
Mikan visibly relaxed. She needed these words. Sincere words, not like last time, when he only wanted to go out with her. ''I won't ever be able to forget, Natsume.'' She started, making him flinch. ''But, I've forgiven you some time ago. Thank you for telling me.''
He relaxed after that, gently smiling at her. ''Thank you. I was a little scared of this moment.''
''Me too. My therapist told me that I might even panic, but I wanted to move forward and well…''
''Yeah, my therapist told me the same. But I was not sure if you'd let me speak with you.''
''I would. I wanted to. And my friends nagged me for a long time who you are – they became a little suspicious about our strange way of greeting.'' Mikan smiled at Natsume for the first time and he smiled back, happy to be accepted in a positive way.
''Mine did too. They think we're a secret couple or something. And one of them nagged me for your phone number.''
''Really? The girls asked about you too. The boys are a little sceptical, though… Male ego and such…''
Natsume chuckled. ''Yeah, I can imagine. But, one of these days, I'll have to introduce you, because they're quite persistent.''
Mikan nodded. ''Sure. And you guys will meet my friends. They're a bunch of funny people, so I think it'll be great.''
''Mhm, we could go to lunch together one day – I noticed we eat at the same time in the cafeteria.''
''True, then next week we could try this out.'' Mikan suggested. Natsume looked at her with bright eyes. He seemed like another person since she saw him in high school.
''Great, I'll just have to punch them a few times because they'll hit on you – you have to be aware of that. They are quite smitten with you.''
Mikan blushed. ''W-what? Really? I mean… wow…''
Natsume laughed. ''Don't worry. They're great guys.''
The two chatted for some time until it was time for Mikan to go to her therapist. They bid goodbye and on her way to the therapist, Mikan thought about what just happened. She just had a friendly conversation with Natsume Hyuuga. She talked with Nastume Hyuuga as if he was an old friend. She talked about it with her therapist and then called Anna and Nonoko. They had a lot to talk about.
And on Monday, Mikan met Natsume during a break, and he introduced her to his friends.
''This is Mikan Sakura, guys. Mikan-san, these ar-''
''So you're Mikan! Natsume is being so secretive about you and I tried to make him tell us ab- ouch, man, don't hit me!'' the guy next to Natsume whined as Natsume punched him in the shoulder.
''Leave her be. You're scaring her.''
But Mikan only giggled. ''Nice to meet you guys.''
''Hey, Mikan-chan, are you and Nastume a couple? You two are awfully familiar with each other.''
Mikan blushed and Natsume glared at one of his friends. ''Uh… N-no, we're… we're not a couple.'' She stuttered, not knowing how she should name her relationship with Natsume. A friend? An acquaintance? Something in between? ''We went to school together.'' She explained instead and Natsume nodded.
''Aww… Poor Natsume. But that means I can ask y- ouch, dammit!'' Natsume stepped on his friend's foot this time and looked at Mikan.
''I think your friends are heading this way.'' He told her, his eye twitching, and Mikan looked behind her in surprise. And really, her group was walking in their direction. Mikan smiled and waved them to come here.
''Hey, Mikan, so here you are.'' Started Hayate and looked around.
''Guys, this is Natsume Hyuuga. We went to High School together. And these are his friends.''
The huge group of people started introducing themselves and soon they were sitting in the cafeteria, eating lunch. Mikan and Natsume could not believe it went that well and that fast.
''That went better than expected.'' Whispered Natsume to Mikan, while they were sitting at the table and watching their friends get along very well.
Mikan nodded. ''I thought they'll need more time, but obviously I was wrong. I think they forgot about us.''
''Nope, that Akira is glaring at us.''
''Ah, yeah… He is a little overprotective of me. Whenever I talk with a stranger, he gets a little jealous. I'm not sure what to do about it.''
''He likes you? Are you two together?''
''Ah, no no. He's just a friend. But I do have a feeling he'd like to be more than that.''
''And you?''
Mikan glanced at Natsume. ''I want to be his friend.''
Natsume nodded, understanding that she was not in love with Akira.