. I spent a lot of time writing this as a regular narrative flashback, but it became too difficult. Besides, I think it fits better this way, with Hanatarou just reflecting on it rather than reliving the whole thing. If I ever do get the first version finished I might post it.

-Nir

He'd been late on the day he first began to mistrust Hisa. The academy held a special ceremony, more of an event actually, for those students who had been skilled enough to achieve shikai before graduating. Of course, there were flukes too, like Hanatarou. Nobody had accused him of being one, but so far he'd seen no evidence that it had been anything but.

He'd been late but not too late and it hadn't actually started. The captains were there, including Unohana. If you did well during your turn you might get a seated position right away. He'd thought of how much he'd like to be part of her squad, since his best grades were in healing, but any squad would do. Ukitake's seemed nice too. He probably wouldn't mind that Hanatarou was lousy at everything else.

But, he'd thought, what if nobody wants me? What if I end up standing there when my turn is over, watching them argue before deciding no, you're not good enough, come see us in another six years.

Or they could send him back to Rukongai to starve.

No, that wouldn't happen. And it didn't.

The stands were full of white and blue and red. Every year he'd sat on those stands and thought of how wonderful it was for the students who they'd be watching, but it had never occurred to him that he might be in their position one day. It hadn't been something he'd hoped for, but he'd gotten it anyway. His friend Rikichi was up there, waving. Hanatarou waved back.

And so it had begun, a congratulatory speech made, and the first two students picked to duel each other. They said it didn't matter if you won or lost, only that you displayed all the skill you had. Hanatarou had wondered how much he could show off in the short time it would take for him to be defeated. He'd held no delusions that this would be a grand battle, and thought maybe they could watch him heal himself afterward.

All the events up to that point were clear in his mind. His being delayed by some of the other students, escaping from said delay, waiting at the end of the line of his fellow prodigies and watching them exchange blows. Captain Unohana watching thoughtfully. Hisa hadn't said anything since the night before, when it had promised him it would do its best. He'd only learned its name about a week ago.

"I heal," the little green creature had told him. "Just like you." Even then there had been something about it he didn't like. Some gleam in its big red eyes, but he had no choice but to dismiss it. Then his name had been called and he'd stepped out into the middle of the dusty training field to meet his opponent. He could recall that the other boy had been about the same size and shape, but thinking about him always led him to picture how the duel had ended.

It had turned out that Hisa did more than heal. It also cut, as any sword should do, but only when it could heal no more. The other boy, small and dark-haired like Hanatarou, kneeling on the ground, almost bent in two. His fingers keeping a desperate grip over the sputtering stump where his arm had been. He'd dropped his zanpakuto. Hanatarou couldn't remember what its ability had been, only the sight of it lying a few yards away from its wielder. Had its spirit cried along with its master, channeling his pain and fear? It was supposed to be like that, with zanpakuto. They weren't supposed to laugh.

It was shameful, but he'd fled, imagining the captains and his fellow students turning away from the gore to watch him disappear into the school, running away from the mess he'd made instead of staying to apologize and clean it up like he should have. You cleaned up the messes you made, you didn't leave them screaming and bleeding to death in the dirt while you hid in a classroom.

Unohana had been the one to find him and tell him that he hadn't killed anybody, that the other student would be okay, and that she understood. He'd let her hold him like the frightened child he'd been, and from the corner of his eye he could see Hisa watching them, its head tilted as if it didn't understand.

"Don't worry, Hanatarou." She'd said when he'd calmed down enough to listen. "You may be afraid now, but in time you will come to understand your zanpakuto. Work together and learn to trust each other so things like this don't happen. Try to understand your zanpakuto, so you can both become strong…"

-

"But you never did! You took one look at what you'd done and you decided it would be too hard to deal with! You never tried!"

"Hisa, it's not…"

"It is, Hana! You know it is! And I know it is, because I am part of you and I know everything you feel…" Hisa was sitting on his chest, heavy and cold. It had not always been so heavy, had it? Maybe he was the one who'd grown weaker. "You cannot hide anything from me, and I know that you do not care… You stuck me under your bed when you didn't feel like looking at me. Well, you can't do that now, can you Hana?"

He'd known this was coming. In fact, he was even a little surprised it had taken this long. Maybe Hisa had been hoping he would address it first. There was so much he had already said he was sorry for.

"You're even ignoring me now!" Its claws tore a trio of jagged red lines into his cheek. "Why do you ignore me, Hana?!" It demanded. "Why do you hate me?!"

It was dark. Rain fell ceaselessly now. In the gloom Hisa's eyes twinkled with feverish rage and confusion. Despite all it had done to him, Hanatarou could never think of it as evil or bad. It was like a child acting out to get attention or approval.

He'd never done enough for Hisa. Never tried to forge much of a bond with it. He'd been scared of what it could do, and not confident enough in his ability to control it. It was for others' safety that he'd rarely used it, but he'd still done wrong. Even after all the time he'd spent stuck in this gray abyss with it, nothing had improved. Maybe it never would. The damage was done, and was irreparable.

He opened his mouth to say something, anything to break the silence, but Hisa struck him across the face again, widening the wounds that it had just put there. It would hurt later, when the numbing rain stopped.

Hisa was silent, waiting for an answer to its last question. It sat like a statue, cold and still except for the slight up-and-down motion Hanatarou's shallow breathing produced. Slowly Hanatarou raised his trembling arms and laid them across Hisa's back in a deadened hug.

"I don't…" He exhaled, closing his eyes. The raindrops that had collected on his eyelashes ran down his lacerated cheek. Lying there on the hard, rocky ground, he felt like he would never move again. "I don't hate you, Hisa. You're my zanpakuto. I couldn't hate you…"

The weight on his chest shifted, spread as Hisa settled onto its belly. "That isn't good enough, Hana..." It pressed its cold nose to the vulnerable underside of his chin. "You are lying. You are making things worse."

"You said you know how I feel." He never stopped wondering what would happen if he died here. If Hisa killed him, as it could kill him so easily right now. "I can't lie to you…"

Quietly, dangerously. "You are lying to yourself, Hana. You would love to leave this place, even if you never saw me again. Especially if you never saw me again… Tell me the truth, Hana."

He did, hoping it was the answer Hisa wanted to hear. "I'm... I'm just afraid, Hisa. You scare me, and I'm scared of what I could do with you. I've been wrong to neglect you and not listen, but… Please, Hisa… I'm sorry for everything… How many times do you want me to say it?"

"Hundreds, Hana…" It replied. "You could say it until you die and I do not think I would be happy. Sorry doesn't fix anything."

"Then, why…?"

"Because, it's funny to see how upset you get over things. You have nothing to be upset about here, and yet you aren't happy. I don't understand, Hana…"

"There's more to it than just being upset… I don't know what you're talking about, Hisa."

"Do you like it here, Hana?" It asked. Distant thunder rumbled, reflecting Hanatarou's growing exasperation. He was tired. So tired. It was so hard to think. He wanted to make Hisa happy with what he said, but he didn't know how.

"I don't… I don't like the rain...."

"Do you want to stay here, Hana? Remember, tell the truth…"

"…no." He sighed. Anything to make it leave. It could even cut up his face more if it really wanted to. "I'm sorry, but I don't… I want to wake up. I want to see the sun again, that's all…"

Hisa shifted again, and its cold breath was on his ear this time. "See, Hana…? It isn't hard, being honest… But you realize it is cold in the outside world right now. Even if you were awake, there would be no sun for you, so do not miss it too badly…"

"Yes, Hisa…" But it was impossible not to miss the sun in the face of the icy rain.