A/N: Finally. It's out. The importance of this chapter made it the hardest one I have written yet - I didn't want to screw it up... my inner perfectionist still isn't completely happy with it. I hope you are! Let me know what you think. Oh, and maybe you should get your tissues out before you start reading.

Chapter nineteen

She was quiet for so long, that Nico was starting to think that she hadn't heard what he'd said. "Dani?" He whispered eventually.

She raised her head – and then placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you too."

He frowned. "Dani, I just told you..." He fell silent when her hand touched his mouth.

"Hush. I wasn't done talking. I heard what you said. But you should know by now that nothing you can say will scare me away. I love you. Nothing you tell me will change that. Now, do you want to tell me why you think you are a murderer?" She lifted her hand away from his lips to cup his cheek with it.

He searched her eyes and found nothing but love and compassion there. "Because it's true." He sighed. Then, needing to move, he shifted away from her and swung his legs over the side of the bed. But he realized there was nowhere to go, so he just leaned forward and rested his forehead in his hands. "You saw what I did to Cutler."

She sat up too and put her hand on his shoulder. "If I remember correctly, you didn't kill Troy. In fact, the last time I saw him, he was sitting in the back of a police cruiser giving me a dirty look."

"No. I didn't kill him. But I could have. I would have. I... I wanted to." Again, he needed to move. Getting up, he walked around the bed to where his sweatpants were lying on the floor. Picking them up, he turned his back to her and started putting them on. So he wouldn't have to look at her as he spoke his next words. "I've done it before."

"When you were a SEAL?" She asked quietly.

He couldn't help but notice that she hadn't followed him off the bed. Was he starting to scare her? He turned around and looked at her sitting there, her arms around her knees. But still there was no fear on her face. She just looked at him with that same sympathetic look he'd seen her use on her clients. The one that said I'm here for you and you can tell me anything. "Yes." He sighed heavily, raking a hand through his hair. "Look, Dani... If we're gonna talk about this, I'm gonna need a drink." He went into the living room to pour himself that Scotch he'd wanted earlier that night. When he turned around Dani came into the room, wearing nothing but the shirt he had worn to work that day. It came almost to her knees and she was busy rolling up the sleeves while she walked towards him. She should have looked like a kid trying on grown-up's clothes, but he had never seen a kid with a cleavage like hers.

Glancing up at him, she gave him a shy smile. "Hope it's okay that I borrowed this. Those jeans I had on earlier? They look way more comfortable than they are."

Nico cleared his throat. "Keep it. It looks much better on you."

Her smile widened a bit before her face went serious again. "So…" She gave him an encouraging look.

He held the glass out to her, but she shook her head. Taking a sip himself, he tried to figure out where to start. "Most of my missions as a SEAL were classified. I can't tell you about those. You know that."

"Yes, I do. But they did involve… Killing. Didn't they?" There was no judgment in her voice or her eyes. And he was glad to notice there also wasn't any hero worshipping. A lot of people thought the SEALs were a kind of super heroes, but he felt like anything but. That was true for most of them in fact, although there were exceptions.

Nico walked past her to the floor to ceiling window, where he could look at the city lights while he told her his story. It was easier that way. "Yes. They did. At first I told myself that it was either them or me. Kill or be killed. That worked. For a while." Don't think about it. That had been their motto in those days. You did your best not to think about the lives you took, tried to not see them as human lives. You just pointed your rifle, pulled the trigger. Or you pressed the button that made the explosives go boom. Then you stopped thinking about it and moved on to the next mission. "But by the time they sent me on my last mission, I was sick of it. Decided I wanted out." He felt his lips twist into a rueful smile. "Wish I'd made up my mind about that sooner. Because that mission… It changed everything." He saw her reflection come closer in the window. She didn't touch him. Because he'd pulled away from her before? Or because she couldn't stand touching him?

"Iraq." It wasn't a question. "The one where you got captured and Marshall Pittman came to rescue you."

He nodded. "It took Marshall and his crew some time to find me, though. Six days, to be exact. The men who captured me… Let's just say they made the most of our time together." He saw her wince as understanding hit. Then she came to him and put her hand on his back, offering silent support. He wanted to lean into her touch, but he knew he'd break down if he did that. And now that he had started it, he needed to finish the story. He downed the last of his Scotch and pulled away from her, walking over to the liquor cabinet to put the empty glass on top of it. He hesitated before going back to the window, but he found he couldn't bring himself to keeping his distance from her. He did make sure he stayed out of her reach. Taking a deep breath, he started talking again. "I was in… bad shape by then. Still fought them every chance I got, though."

"Good for you," he heard her mutter.

"When Marshall and his team found me, I had just managed to… take down the guard that had come to drag me from my cell to their… their interrogation room. Had my hands around his throat…" His voice trailed off as he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the cool window. He felt her hand touch his back again, and this time he didn't have the strength to pull away. He had to force the next part of his story from his constricted throat. "I couldn't stop myself. At one point he lost consciousness. I could have stopped then, make a run for it. But I didn't want to. Then Marshall was pulling at me, telling me that we needed to get out of there ASAP. I just shoved him out of my way and got back to it. Because all I wanted was to kill that guy. And I did."

"Oh, Nico…" She sounded sad. Her hand caressed his back.

He enjoyed her touch for a moment, trying to draw strength from it. Because now came the hardest part. The part that would scare her away from him, despite her earlier promise. And who could blame her? If he had been able to, he'd run away from himself too. But he had to get it out, to make her understand just how dangerous he was. His voice came out a whisper. "Killing him made me feel… good, Dani. So. Fucking. Good." It was the best he could do to describe the dreamlike sensation of being invincible that had come over him that night, the feeling that had made him acutely aware of the darkness that existed inside of him. The darkness that he had since been fighting, scared to death of what might happen if he ever let it out again… Like he'd done yesterday.

Clenching his fists and holding himself completely rigid, Nico waited for Dani to pull back her hand and move away from him. Instead, he felt her arms come around his waist as she closed the distance between them, hugging him closely from behind, resting her forehead between his shoulder blades. He had been so sure that she would turn away from him, that his brains refused to process her reaction at first. Still waiting for her to turn around and run, he could only stand there with his eyes closed. But she didn't run. She just released a trembling sigh and held on to him tighter.

Dani felt the strong urge to go put her boots back on. But not so that she could run away, which she knew Nico probably was probably expecting her to do right now. No, she wanted to go kick the people that had made him go through all that where it hurt real bad, and that would work so much better with her boots on. Those people were the ones that had made the wonderful man that she was holding on to think that he actually enjoyed taking the lives of others. He'd had this misconception in his head for so long now that it had become the truth he lived by. She desperately wanted to make him see that it was a lie instead… But how?

When she felt him shift in her arms, she brought her head up and loosened her hold on him, thinking he needed space again. He turned around, but he didn't move away. Instead he gave her a slightly confused look, as if wondering what she was still doing here. "I'm not planning on going anywhere, Nico, so you can relax now. You're still not scaring me." She went up on her toes and gave him a soft kiss. "See?"

Nico released a heavy sigh. The confusion in his eyes didn't fade. "You were scared. When you saw me with Cutler. You knew I was gonna kill him."

She needed to be very careful in her response now, Dani knew that. She couldn't simply deny the facts he had just stated. She kept looking in his eyes, hoping he would see the truth in hers. "Nico… I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't scared then. And you're right, I did realize that you were going to kill Troy, but…" He wanted to say something then, but she put her finger over his mouth. "Hear me out. I was not afraid of you. Not even for a single moment. What scared me in that moment was the thought of what killing Troy would do to you. How it would affect you. Because despite what you believe, I know you are not a cold-blooded killer." His mouth twisted into a bitter smile when she said that, and her heart ached for him. How to make him see that he's really not? She sighed and went over the things he had told her, trying to find something in there that could help convince him. I wanted to kill him… I couldn't stop… It felt good… Inspiration struck her, and she didn't need to think twice before going with her guts. "Tell me, why did you want to kill Troy so badly?"

His brow furrowed as if the question surprised him. "You don't know?" Well, of course she did, but she was trying to make a point here. So she just tilted her head to one side and raised an eyebrow at him. He looked down and brought a hand up to his forehead. "Dani… I thought I'd lost you. That bastard pulled the trigger and I saw you fall and I…" She heard his breath catch and saw a shiver go through him. "I just… snapped. I knew I had to kill him."

"Then why did you stop?" That brought his head back up quickly. "I mean, if you wanted to kill him that bad – why not just go for it?" Dani saw the shock in his eyes at the challenge in her tone and she took great care to keep her own expression neutral. If she played this right, it could be the first step in helping him see the truth about himself. She held her breath for his reply.

"I didn't stop. That's the whole point – you stopped me. If you hadn't…" His voice trailed off and he shook his head.

"Really." She injected more than a hint of disbelief in her voice, making him frown. "So let me get this straight. Marshall Pittman, a trained Navy SEAL, couldn't stop you from killing… But I could? A therapist whose entire combat experience consists of taking one self defense class years ago – and one kidnapping experience?" Crossing her arms, she waited for him to come up with an answer to that. She could almost hear the wheels in his head turning as he opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again when nothing came out. When his confusion became too much for her to bear, she stepped up to him and cupped his cheek. Allowing her voice to go soft and compassionate again, she carefully phrased her next question. "Nico… have you ever considered the possibility that what happened in Iraq might not have been about you being a ruthless killer as much as it was about you letting your survival instinct take over?"

Nico averted his eyes. "I wish… But I know it wasn't. Because if that's true, then how come it felt so damn good?"

"Well, I actually think there's a good explanation for that," Dani said quietly. His eyes came back to hers. "But before I tell you, I need to ask you one more question – and you have to think it through before you answer me. Okay?"

"Sure…" he said, but he didn't sound very sure.

"How did choking Troy make you feel?" When he immediately opened his mouth to reply, she put her finger over it again. "No – I said think about it, remember? Did it feel exactly the same as twenty years ago? Or was it different?"

Nico leaned against the window, raising a hand to his forehead again. She heard him release a sigh, after which he was quiet for a long time. Dani walked to the couch and sat down on the armrest, giving him some space. When he looked up again, his brow was furrowed in confusion. "You're right… It felt different – I hadn't even realized until now."

She nodded, almost sure now that she was on the right track, but realizing at the same time that almost wasn't good enough. "How was it different? Can you explain?"

He thought about it for a minute. "I… I wanted to kill him for what he had done to you, but…" He shook his head as if he didn't know how to go on.

Dani got up and went to him, took both his hands in hers. "But actually doing it didn't make you feel good. At all. Am I right?" He nodded slowly, questions written all over his face. She quietly released her breath and smiled at him. "Nico, I think it wasn't the act of killing that guard twenty years ago that made you feel so good. I think it was a biological reaction. The difference between then and now being that you weren't in any physical pain yesterday." He raised his eyebrows at that, and she realized she was going too fast. "Those people in Iraq – they… tortured you, right?" She had to force the word from her throat and when she saw the answer in his eyes she again felt the need to go kick someone. Taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself, she continued. "When in a lot of pain, the human body reacts by releasing extra endorphins. They act like morphine and suppress the pain. But they are also known as the feelgood hormone. They can make you feel high and euphoric – like when you're on drugs. Sound familiar?"

"Yeah, but…" His eyes were cautious and he seemed to be weighing his words. "You really think it could be that… simple? I got high on endorphins?"

Dani released his hands and raised her own to his face. "I wasn't there, so I can't tell you with absolute certainty. But, based on all the things you told me tonight, I'd say that it's a very likely scenario." She went up on her toes, bringing her face within kissing distance. "Besides, you keep forgetting that I know what kind of man you are," she whispered. Then she closed the distance and kissed him. It was meant to be a short, comforting kiss, but when she wanted to pull back he stopped her by bringing his arms around her, holding her close to him, parting her lips with his tongue. As she slipped her arms around his neck, Dani became aware of the tension in his shoulders again. She broke the kiss and stepped back, taking his hand. She smiled at him and led him to the bedroom, where she set about making that tension disappear while also showing him exactly how much she loved him.

Long after Dani had fallen asleep in his arms, her head once again resting on his chest, Nico was still awake and staring at the ceiling, lost in memories and wondering at the foreign sense of cautious hope that had settled in his heart. For the first time in years, he tried to look at the young Navy SEAL choking the life right out of another human being objectively, desperately wanting to believe that he had been wrong about that guy – that he was less of a monster than he'd come to believe over the years. He even allowed himself to start wondering a little if maybe there was a chance that younger version of himself could actually be… forgiven for what he'd done? Or was that… Dani turned to her other side then, her movement interrupting his line of thought. Nico found himself rolling with her, not wanting to lose the feel of her body against his. He sighed heavily, realizing he felt too exhausted to do any more soul searching right now. But he couldn't sleep here – there would be nightmares. So he'd stay here with her for just a few more minutes before he would move his ass to the couch… Before he had even finished that thought, his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep.

A/N: No cliffhanger this time. But this is also NOT the end of this story - there's still some unfinished business to be resolved. I'll try to update as soon as I can!