Chpt 4: Epic Failures and Other Mistakes

"I'll be back as soon as I can," she says and kisses me goodbye. It's a quick peck, and I wonder if it means as little to her as it does to me. She steps back and I see her searching. I try to reassure her with a smile, but it is fake and if she knows me at all, she knows that it is rehearsed.

"Be careful," I say, and I run my hand through her hair. "Stay in touch."

"Will do," she says simply and squeezes my forearm. Just like that she is gone. All I can do is hope that Slade is more patient than I. We need time and help.

The foundry is quiet. It is late on a Tuesday night. The double date was a bust, at least on my end. Sara and I met Laurel and her dentist friend for dinner. A lawyer, a dentist, a bar tender, and a CEO. It sounds like the start of a bad joke. Laurel droned on and on, the dentist tried very hard to be impressive, and Sara laughed a little too loud, a little often. Maybe she was overcompensating for my lack of participation. It's just so hard to set there and be still and engaged. I sit all day listening and participating. Most days I feel like a caged animal. I wouldn't be able to handle it without Felicity by my side. She knows when to push me and when to let me be. These past two weeks have been hell without her. She dutifully reported to work, but our interactions were brief and formal. There was more than just glass separating us. I feel like I can breathe again now that we are okay. I can't help but laugh when I think about our exchange tonight in the parking lot. Someday I plan on halting her every ramble with a kiss. Someday, when she is mine.

Felicity is right, I am exhausted, but sleep will elude me. I hit the mats and push myself for as long as I can before I move to the salmon ladder. It has been at least a week since I have worked out on the salmon ladder. It just didn't have the same draw knowing Felicity no longer cared to stare. When I can barely stand, much less work another muscle, I head to the shower. I step in and reach for my soap. There is an extra bottle on the shelf. I open it and Felicity fills the room. I can't help the physical reaction that I have to her scent, not when I am naked and wet in a shower where she likewise stood not too many hours before. I close my eyes and I imagine her pressed against me. Sara and I were never together in here. As a matter of fact, we were rarely together at all. There was that first night, brokered by the need for comfort and release. Beyond that, with the traffic in and out of the lair, the monitors, the training, the patrols, and our other jobs, it was rare that we made the time to be together. As much as it stings my pride to admit, I was a poor substitute for Nyssa. Perhaps Sara was a poor substitute for whom it is I desire most as well.

I collapse on the makeshift bed that Sara and I have shared for the last couple of months. I haven't been home in weeks. The last time I went home, Slade Wilson was there and my entire world came crashing down around me. Why he chose not to kill Digg that night, I will never know, but I am grateful. I will morn Slade's death when I kill him. And I will kill him eventually. I just hope I don't lose my mind in the process. Like I told Sara, he is ten steps ahead with an army of resources at his disposal. I hide behind a mask and a hood, flanked by the people that I love and will die to protect. I worry, however, that Slade will not allow me to die. If he hurts Felicity or Thea or Dig or Sara or even Roy, death would be a welcome reprieve, and that is why Slade will keep me alive. He wants me to suffer, and suffer I will whatever the outcome. I close my eyes and picture Felicity in my arms. Her lips are on mine and I feel the promise in her kiss. Perhaps I will sleep tonight after all.

Arrow/Arrow/Arrow/Arrow/Arrow/Arrow/Arrow

It has been a long night chalked full of bad decisions. I should have let Helena kill her father. He is dead all the same and Helena still has no peace. I finish converting the "baby arrows", as Sara so defiantly referred to them, into full on killing tools, and I place them back into their case. Nothing more to do down here so I head upstairs to lock up. Felicity and Digg are sitting together at the bar. It is the middle of the week and Verdant is closed. I found Thea as soon as I returned from seeing Helena. Another one of my epic failures. Thea just left, heartbroken, and it is my fault, but I don't regret what I did. Keeping her safe is the most important thing. I haven't seen Roy since I asked him to give up the one thing he loves most in this world. I refuse to lose him to the Mirakuru. I will find a way to save him. I stop in the shadows and watch my two closest friends talking quietly. Digg is nursing a glass of amber liquid, scotch, knowing Digg, and Felicity is swirling a red under her nose. There is a third glass on the bar, a half empty beer mug. Maybe Roy? I start toward them when a man that I do not know slides onto the stool next to Felicity. He says something that I cannot hear, and she smiles up at him warmly. Digg smiles too. I realize that this is the same guy that I saw taking Felicity home. This is Brant. Felicity reaches for Digg and squeezes his hand. She and Brant stand together, and he slips her coat over her shoulders and his arm around her waist. He is tall, taller than me, and lean. Digg said he plays basketball and coaches a team at the boys' and girls' club. Of course he does. He probably builds Habitat houses and beats back four alarm fires single handedly. I watch from the shadows as he takes her hand and leads her toward the door. It is only after I hear the metal clang of the heavy doors shutting that I join Digg at the bar. "How long you been hiding?" he asks with a smirk.

"Long enough," I say, and pick up Felicity's discarded glass. "That was him," I ask although I already know the answer.

"Yep," he says and downs the rest of his scotch. "He's a hell of a guy, Oliver."

"So you've said."

We sit in amiable silence until Digg rounds the bar and offers me a drink. "I'm good," I say and finish what is left in Felicity's glass.

"How's Thea?"

"Heartbroken."

Digg nods, but it is the arch in his eyebrow that tells me he does not approve of my interference. "Oliver, how do you plan on handling Roy, now that you've taken away the one good thing in that boy's life?"

My anger flares, and I fight for control. "I did what I had to do, Digg, to keep Thea safe.

"You really think he could ever hurt her?"

"You don't know what Mirakuru does to people. If he lost his temper, if they had an argument and he lost it, even for a second, he could kill her, Digg."

"You know what I think, Oliver," he asks, but he doesn't give me a chance to respond. "I think you're punishing that boy for your mistakes. You couldn't save Slade, you couldn't save Helena, and you're afraid you won't be able to save Roy so you forced him to cut ties with the one person who might actually be able to save him. Why do you think Slade lost it, Oliver? He lost it because he had no reason to keep it together. The woman he loved was gone, and he blamed you. Who do you think Roy is gonna' blame?"

I slam my fist on the bar. "I hate what happened to Roy! I do! But I can't change it. And I won't let my sister suffer because of it. If Roy needs to blame me, then let him. If he loves my sister, then he'll work hard, learn to control the rage. Until then, he has to stay away from her. It's the only way to keep her safe!"

"Is that why you chose to let Felicity go rather than telling her how you really feel? To keep her safe?"

"I didn't choose to let her go," I say warily. "I kissed her."

Dig crosses his arms over his chest and scrutinizes my expression. "Come again?"

I can't help the up-tug of my lip. "I kissed her in the parking lot. Right out there," I say and point over my shoulder.

Digg tries to read my face, but I am deliberately coy. He squints and purses his lips. "She smacked the shit out of you, didn't she?"

I chuckle at his assessment. "Not quite, but close," I say and shake my head. "She's amazing, Digg. She told me first and foremost that she would not be the other woman."

"That's my girl," he says proudly.

"Yeah, she also said that we need to be friends again before we can be anything else."

"Smart girl."

"No question," I say.

He grins mischievously. I didn't know Digg did that. "How was it, the kiss I mean," he prods.

"Like I said, she's amazing." I try not to let my smile completely overtake my face.

"What are you gonna' do now?

I draw in a deep breath. All kidding aside, I have one goal. "Keep her safe, whatever it takes."

"Agreed, but I meant, what are you gonna' do about her new man?"

I scrub my face. I'd really like to put an arrow in him and be done with it. "I want her to be happy, Digg. Safe and happy. If that's with him then that's the way it is."

"Bull shit. You two belong together. Give it time… Be her friend, let her be your friend… and whatever you do, don't try to use your Ollie charm on her. She hates that guy."

Again I am reminded that despite all the damage and the heartache that I have caused, forgiveness and friendship are still available. It is that as much as it is remorse and regret that keeps me fighting.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think. As much as I hate to admit it, reviews keep me going.