Chapter Fifteen
What is Love
A/N: Before I start this chapter I want to begin on a happy note. Here is a quick paragraph, narrated by Mellow to Matt, about the awesomeness of chocolate:
"This is no mere chocolate bar, Matt. This chocolate bar… When you first start to peel back the label, your nose is caressed with the smell of cocoa made from the cacao beans from exotic Madagascar. The chocolate already starts to soften underneath your fingers. You can see the shininess of the chocolate, the brown shimmery gleam that means the chocolate was perfectly tempered. Now its time to give it a taste. You take your first bite, and you hear the breaking sound as your teeth severe off a little piece. You take a small piece, because you want to savor the bar for as long as possible. That little piece has two textures. A smooth yet firm outer shell, the promised chocolate by your eyes, and then… oh wait? What's that? A gooey soft and creamy inside. A chocolate ganache with a hint of hazelnut, and something more. What is the secret ingredient, you might ask? Love, Matt. It's love."
Now the much awaited chapter:
L waited for Light to burst out an in surprise, gasp, an accusatory glance, confusion, disbelief, anything. But all he did was stare right back at him, across the table, his mouth a straight line and his eyes void.
They sat in the hotel room where they had met so many times before, only the old furniture, including the computers had been removed and all there was were a table and two chairs, one for him and one for Light, and don't forget the microphones L had installed to record their conversation. He left out the cameras to avoid his image being recorded.
L had debated with himself what he should do when it came to Light.
He could have stayed anonymous, hidden behind the mask of the unknown detective L, and seen what he could have gotten out of Light. But then Light could have gotten suspicious if L asked him any questions that L had come to know when he had been Ryuzaki.
Why didn't he just tell the police his suspicions and let them arrest Light? He could even reveal a partial back story to his history with Light so the NPA would know what questions to ask. In that case, he didn't have to let them know Light had been seeing him under an alias, but instead he had been seeing someone named Ryuzaki, who turned into his informer for the right price.
But L couldn't do that. It was Light. If he had been the murderer then the deaths of the victims would fall on his shoulders.
There were many other things that he could have done, but he had chosen to meet Light face to face. This way he could have more influence over Light, he hoped.
A small voice in his head told him that if he did this he could never see Light again. Even if he didn't do this, he knew he still could never see Light again. This way at least he'd get to meet with him one last time, which ever way this went.
He had told Watari to bring Light to him. He hired Aiber to assist Watari in capturing Light, since it was not strictly legal, which is what Aiber specialized in. Watari needed help, in case Light put up a fight. He was not as young as he used to be.
As Watari did as he commanded, one thing he said to L wouldn't leave. "Are you sure you know what you are doing?" In truth, L did not know.
He had spent countless time trying to figure out the man in front of him but still drew blanks, but what he did know was that Light was hiding something, hiding a big secret that had taken hold of him.
A secret that L hated to not know. He knew everything. He wanted to know everything. But sitting here across from Light he wondered if he truly wanted to know everything. IT was never about what he wanted. It was about what he needed to do as L, the world's greatest detective.
That's right, he was L. He was Justice.
It was time to take charge of the matter at hand.
"Light."
"Ryuzaki." Light answered.
His voice was as controlled and unrevealing as L's.
"I'm sure you are wondering why you are here." L started.
"I'm wondering a lot of things right now." Light responded.
"Let me tell you why you are here. In the small hours of the morning a body was discovered. It was a teenage boy, named Ichiro Yamashita, by a local bakery owner on their way to open shop. The time was approximately four am. It is believed that the boy was yet another victim of the serial killer who has been known for stabbing his victims multiple times. The killer is the one known as the Kitchen Killer."
"I know of who you speak of. Who hasn't? All of Tokyo knows about the Kitchen Killer. He's more feared then Jack the Ripper these days. I'm sorry to learn that he has a new victim." Light leaned forward, placing his crossed arms on the table.
"Sorry to learn, as in just learning now?" L bit his thumb. "I have reason to believe you already knew about this."
He pulled out a photograph from a folder he had placed at his side and slipped it across the table.
"I believe this is your bag. I have seen you with it on several occasions." Never mind what those occasions were.
Light looked over the photo and then pushed it away. He returned his eyes to L's. "I do not know this bag."
L bit at his thumb even harder. Why was Light trying to deny this? His chances of being the killer or associated with the crime just went up.
"Are you sure? Brown leather book bag, containing several books, including Philosophy in the Tragic Age of the Greeks by Nietzsche."
"That must be some coincidence, since you lent me that same book to read. I had meant to return it to you earlier." Light's condescending tone told L he knew he was lying and he knew L would know.
"Light. I know this is your bag and I know that this is my book. Were you or were you not present at the scene where the body was found?"
"Who are you to even be asking me this? Are you with the NPA?" Light demanded to know.
"It is not important that you know who I am."
"Not important?" Light's politeness was melting away and L could see his anger bubbling up. "Not important? I was taken from my apartment and fucking blindfolded and shoved into the back of a car. That's kidnapping, not a proper 'police' arrest."
"I'm with the police." L lied.
"The police? We are in a fucking hotel, not a police box or the headquarters. I know you are not with them. What the hell is going on? Who are you?"
"I'll tell you what's going on. A boy was found dead this morning, and you are the only suspect. That was your bag, and the results will come back soon and tell me that was your blood, too."
"Blood? What blood?"
"I'm not sure if you can tell but there is a gash in the back of your head. I believe it is the source of the blood we had found separate from the rest of the blood, right next to your bag." L had seen it when he had removed the headphones, confirming some suspicions and worrying him at the same time. Light's hand flew up to the back of his head and L saw him flinch when his fingers touched the wound. He thought back to the day Light had come to the hotel covered in bruises from a fight. "Where did you get that? Did Ichiro put up a fight?"
"Are you accusing me of murder?" Light exclaimed.
"Why was your bag at the scene of the crime?" L pushed again.
"I dropped it there!" Light let out. "I fucking dropped it there. I saw the body and I panicked. I dropped the bag and tripped over it and ran away."
"Why did you deny it was your bag?"
"I was scared! I saw a body. It was horrifying. I just want to forget about the whole thing." Light's voice was honest, yet reserved. He was still hiding something. He could have been genuinely scared by seeing the body, but he could also have been scared at the fact that he had murdered again and run away full of guilt.
"Forget about what, the body or your acts of murder?" L knew he was pushing Light's boundaries by calling him a killer. He needed a confession.
"I didn't kill him." Light stated. His jaw was clenched and his eye narrowed.
"Why didn't you call the police?"
Light didn't answer. Instead he glanced away with a frown.
"Why didn't you call the police?" L repeated.
"Who are you? Why are you questioning me about this? Why aren't you with the police?" Light questioned.
"I told you it's not important who I am." L wanted Light to stop obsessing over his identity.
"Don't give me that bullshit. I wan to know who you really are. And don't tell me you are Ryuzaki." Light's gaze was now accusing.
"I am Ryuzaki. I work with the police as a private consultant."
"You are not Ryuzaki." Light's cold voice cut like a knife. L knew Light knew that Ryuzaki was a fake name. He felt the loss of that name now, and its old association with Light.
"Who are you?" L threw back. "Light Akino. On the night I first met you, you were about to jump off a bridge in a suicide attempt and I had saved you. I had theorized you were trying to escape the guilt of a crime, and now I think I know what crime."
"I am not the Kitchen Killer. And I told you, I was not trying to commit suicide. Stop worrying, you no longer have to worry if you made a mistake by 'saving' me. I killed no one." His voice was angry, hurt, and pained at the same time.
"That night was the night the first victim, Luke Adams, was killed. Did you kill him? Did you throw the knife off the bridge and planned to follow it to repent?"
"No. I killed no one. And I looked into that. Wasn't his estimated death placed after you told me you had saved me from that bridge?"
"It's possible that the estimation could have been obscured by the storm that night…" L argued.
"What kind of an argument is that?"
L ignored that remark. "Remember the night you came to me covered in cuts a bruises? What had happened that night? That night there had also been a murder. Did he put up a fight, too?"
"How dare you. I see you have decided I'm the killer, but I'm not! Stop accusing me of murder!"
"I can accuse you all I want. People are dead, Light. They deserve justice. And I am determined to catch the killer at any cost, and I know somehow you are tied into this," L stopped biting his thumb. Then he remembered what Light had said. "Why would you have looked into the time of death of Luke Adams?"
"Maybe you are not the only one who believes the kitchen killer should be caught." Light responded.
Light stood up, then seemed to sway a bit but caught himself. L stood up when he saw Light sway, but kept his ground and watched as Light walked over to the window. The drapes were closed, but he pulled it open just enough so he could see outside.
"You are L, aren't you?" he asked.
L sighed mentally. It was only a matter of time till Light had come to that conclusion. It was no secret that he had been working on the case with the NPA. This is why he shouldn't have met with Light face to face. Why did he decide to do it, again? His argument to do so was so weak now when he looked back at it.
It was all just an excuse to see Light again.
Are you sure you know what you are doing?
L didn't answer, so Light turned to him, closing the drapes.
"So you are. If you are L, tell me this. Did you just now suspect me, or were you always suspicious? Is that why you didn't take me to a hospital?"
No. It was because you asked me not to. L thought, but the words would not leave his mouth. Light had looked so vulnerable that night…
"And was that why you started seeing me? So you could keep tabs on your only suspect? Questioned me to assess my knowledge and try to get me to reveal my dastardly plans? Wait for hard evidence to roll a long so you could detain me, already knowing my location?"
No no no, this wasn't going right. L didn't think Light would come to this conclusion. He had been overly curious about Light, and maybe thought he may have committed a crime, but it wasn't because of this.
"Did you take my fucking DNA while I was unconscious in case you needed to use it later on, didn't you? That, and you were checking my background in case you had a wanted criminal in your custody." L frowned, as that had been exactly what he had done.
"I…" He tried to explain but Light continued, cutting him off.
"I suppose you thought you'd have a little fun while you were at it. 'Oh, why don't I fuck with my enemy. That'll be fun! Why don't I start dating him, and mess with his emotions, too! That'll be a rewarding pretense to analyze him!'" Light was shaking now. "Or maybe you truly didn't know. But you never trusted me, or had an understanding, so at the first drop of a pin you would turn on me and not believe a thing I was saying. You think I'm possible of murder." He made his hand into a fist. "I am justice. Or I thought I was. I believed in justice. I have since I was a kid. And when the world turned fucking ugly, I held on to that belief. And when I try my best to keep justice true, I just end up getting fucked over myself."
L was confused, ashamed, hurt and angry at the same time.
"It's not true. I didn't think you were the Kitchen Killer until a few hours ago."
"But you never trusted me, did you?"
"How could I!? You are a part time worker with an IQ above Einstein's! There is no feasible reason why you aren't in college right now or a member of some governmental think tank, or a detective like me. You live alone and have no family or friends, as far as I know. You have all this time that is completely unaccounted for and you don't think I have a right to be suspicious?" L could no longer keep his voice calm. Light had gotten a rise out of him.
"A right? Why do you get a right to be suspicious? I'm just a delightful stranger you fucked while in the country."
"No you are not."
"That's right. I'm your murder suspect, too." Light spat.
"Now, yes. But not before. Before you were…"
"What? What was I to you? What am I to you?" Light sounded desperate now, and L grew uncomfortable. What was Light to him?
A puzzle to be solved? A living mystery he kept around for entertainment? Light had grown into something more. He was the first person who could match wits with L, make jokes that made him laugh and riddles that challenged him. And L knew he was going to leave one day, and he had been anticipating it for awhile, but for some reason when he thought about leaving Light behind it made his anxious.
He cared for Light. God damn it, he did. And the Light he cared for right now was before him in distress, and he had chosen the role where he would put him in the most pain.
But he was L, the world's greatest detective. He could not afford to care for someone. Too many people depended on him, and Light would only make him weak. He had chosen to become L, and now he had no choice.
"What am I to you?" Light asked once more, his voice quieter.
"You are nothing. You are just one of my toys, nothing more, like the rest of them all." Light, who had somehow gravitated close to L, backed away.
"I don't believe you." He stated.
"Look who is the one in disbelief now?" L mocked, standing up straight and staying firm. As he did so Light visibly slouched.
It was quite for a second
"If I had known that L was a man like you…"
"I'm sorry to disappoint you."
"This whole thing is fucking crazy! I just need to get away. Ryuza… L. I think… I think…" His voice trailed off and his head turned away, his eyes now concentrating heavily on the door.
You think what?
"I…"
His voice was low.
"I… You don't understand what I've been through. I can't be here now. I am not your killer. You are wasting your time with me when the real killer is out there somewhere. And I don't think what we had was nothing. I didn't think it was anything at first, but now I know I was wrong. We had something, what ever the hell it was. And it was something that could have been a lot more. Maybe if you were still just Ryuzaki and I was just Light Akino, but we are not who we were. We never were. But if it meant something to you… If you feel anything for me, anything at all, let me leave. Just… let me go."
He's not Light Akino? No, L couldn't do that now.
He was L. He was L, the world's greatest detective. But right now he couldn't be. He was just L Lawliet, the man who threw away his name, and forsaken any chance at having a personal relationship. He was weak.
"Go." He said quietly.
Light heard and gave him a single nod. L pulled out his phone and dialed for Watari.
A single ring and then he answered.
"Yes?"
"Unlock the door and let Light leave."
"Are you sure?" His mentor asked. Unspoken words were exchanges between them. They had known each other for so long that Watari understood what L thought, and vice versa.
Watari knew what L was doing, and he knew Watari knew what he was doing.
"Yes."
"As you wish."
L closed the phone.
Light wouldn't look him in the eye. His stance had turned defensive; arms crossed and turned away from L.
L had Watari lock the door from the outside as a precaution, and now they had to wait for it to unlock. They didn't have to wait long, the sound if the click could be heard across the room.
At the sound Light immediately went to the door and opened it. He paused, as if to look back, and L held his breath. He wanted Light to look back, to look at him one last time, but he didn't.
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Thanks to those who have done one, two, or all three of the above.
Next chapter is already half written. It was a part of this chapter, but it kept growing so I'll post it separately. Just like how this chapter was originally a part of the one before.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, What is Love.
Baby don't hurt me…
Don't hurt me… no more…