Chapter 3
Just a friend
They were having dinner which was a rather awkward occasion for housekeeper and butler.
He had been avoiding her as best as he could the past three weeks since the incident in the wine cellar. They weren't at odds. There had been the usual disagreements, nothing out of the ordinary, but he struggled facing her without acting like a complete fool. He wasn't able to look her in the eyes. If they were standing or sitting close he was reminded of all the thoughts and images that haunted him in the evening when he was lying in bed. Her smell, her leaning against him, everything. It was driving him insane. All these years he had made it through without seeing her as a woman. Why had he started to do so now? He simply wasn't able to deal with that unknown closeness. That was the only explanation he had. If one had experienced something nice once one wanted to experience it again. Ridiculous, he thought. He hadn't needed a woman in the last two decades, he didn't need one now. Besides, he was a butler. He was proud of it. It was his duty to ban all thoughts of women, especially of housekeepers, from his mind. He had no time to waste for longing after her. It was highly improper. Courting her was the most stupid thing he had thought in months. He strengthened the wall he had built to stop all the uncontrollable feelings influencing his thoughts and actions. But has he had so cleverly realized himself: They were uncontrollable, kept driving him insane, kept haunting him until he gave in. He had admitted it to himself in the dark of his room and swore to himself that he would never say it out loud. He had fallen for Mrs. Hughes. Everything that had happened between them since they had met had slowly made him fall in love with her and the only reason he hadn't thought about it before was because it was a move forward. And one never could move forward with an unsolved past behind. But now it was solved and lying well and truly behind him. His eyes opened, seeing everything in a slightly different way. Their friendly evening chatter, their caring for each other. It all made sense now. At least his part in it. He had always opened up a little towards her, because he loved her. And she being a kind woman had taken care of him, acting like a close friend. He glanced at her. What was she thinking? Colleagues? Friends? Did she love him? Never, he thought. He wasn't the kind of man a strong, independent woman like her would fall in love with. He was too much of an old stern stubborn foolish butler. His heart ached at that. But she was at his side every day and she would be there until his death. He could never tell her that he loved her. He would take it to his grave. He would try to be less crabby. He would try to be a friend. Just a friend.
"Mrs. Hughes" he spoke quietly, making her looking up from her plate. "Would you join me tonight for a tea or perhaps a sherry?"
"Certainly, Mr. Carson" she answered much to his relieve and continued with her dinner.
She had been hurt by him avoiding her. After having been so close to him, his behaviour had thrown her back into reality in the cruellest way. She had hoped he would change a bit after Grigg, Alice, the beach, but no. He remained the same. How could she ever have been so foolish as to think he would ever see her as a woman? She should be happy with what they had. It was pointless to hope for more. She would never stop loving him. She decided never to tell him, never to try again cracking his façade. She had to accept that she would always only be his friend. Never his woman. Just a friend.