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This is a Carson/Hughes POV chapter. Enjoy!

Chapter 5

So close and yet so far

There was a soft knock at the door and Carson thought he must have imagined it. He hadn't heard that sound in weeks. Mrs. Hughes had been as lifeless as someone still being alive could be and he had had many sleepless nights worrying about her. She had assured him that everything was fine when he had asked if anything was wrong, but he had never been able to believe her. Much to his relieve she had turned back into the Mrs. Hughes he knew just a few days earlier. Now she entered his pantry with a warm smile on her face which he returned no matter how astonished he was to see her. These past few weeks she hadn't joined him in the evenings as used to be their habit. She approached his desk, stopping right in front of it.

"Are you busy?" she asked, looking at the scattered documents on his desk. He put down his pen.

"Not exactly", he answered. "Just working through some stuff that is barely important. You know me."

"I suppose I do", she replied warmly, an amused smile on her lips.

"Was there anything you wanted to talk to me about?" He watched how she bit her bottom lip before answering.

"I wondered if you would care for a cup of tea."

"Very much" he said honestly and was rewarded with her eyes shining brightly.

"Good, I'll fetch the tea then and you finish your barely important paper work in the meantime." She waved at the documents. He nodded, still smiling. How much he had missed her presence in the evening. He returned to his work when she left to get the tea. He was eager to finish it before she came back. He didn't want to have anything related to work in mind when she would finally talk to him privately since… Well, since he realized how much he loved and needed her.

Mrs. Hughes had been a little nervous when she entered Carson's pantry. She didn't know what to expect. Not after the hallway incident. Seeing him looking at her like that had taken her off guard. It was the last thing she had thought would happen. Of course she had been absolutely happy at first, but soon the nervousness had started. What would happen next? The question had been on her mind permanently. She could foresee his actions as a butler, but when it was just him he was unpredictable. She knew he loved his job and Downton. He was proud of his position. He wouldn't give it up. She didn't really want him to give it up. He needed it to be completely happy. The thought of him suggesting retirement seemed stupid.

"I thought I would die here and haunt it ever after" he had said once. She hoped this wouldn't become true, that he would spend his last days relaxing in a cottage and not working.

And what if he would start courting her? She didn't quite know how to imagine that.

Furthermore, did Carson ever do anything without his lordship's permission? As kind as Lord Grantham was, she doubted that he would accept his butler and housekeeper to be a couple, not to speak of being married.

So would it be retirement for them both? She had never thought of retiring. In fact, she had never really thought about any of the consequences of them having feelings for the other. She had been busy hoping that he would develop feelings. But where to go from there?

In the end she decided that she didn't want any thoughts to spoil her happiness. She had waited for him for so long; she could wait a little longer, give him more time. She would be patiently waiting for him making the next step. And if he struggled she would take his hand to make him feel steady.

She hadn't expected to find Mrs. Patmore in the kitchen when she entered to make tea. The cook was still awake, checking her kingdom.

"Mrs. Hughes", she said surprised when she recognized the housekeeper's presence. "Can I help you?"

"Oh, no, I was just going to make some tea for Mr. Carson and myself", Mrs Hughes answered, starting to do just that.

"I see", Mrs. Patmore replied, walking over to the cupboards, looking for something. Mrs. Hughes watched her with two raised eyebrows while the water started boiling.

"Whatever are you doing?" she asked curiously.

Mrs. Patmore turned around with a plate in her hands. "I was looking for these. They are Mr. Carson's favourites if I remember correctly."

Mrs. Hughes spotted the biscuits. "Indeed they are", she agreed. Mrs. Patmore placed the plate on the table in front of the housekeeper.

"He will be happy to get some without stealing them", she chuckled. "Good night, Mrs. Hughes."

"Good night and thank you", Mrs. Hughes said, smiling to herself. She fixed up a tray and made her way back to Carson's pantry. He had finished his work and took his cup of tea gratefully. He had moved his chair to the front of his desk so that he was sitting closer to Mrs. Hughes.

Mrs. Hughes picked up the plate with the biscuits offering him some. "Mrs. Patmore gave me these for you."

"Wonderful!" he commented and took one. She watched him. He was relaxed, enjoying both, tea and company.

"So", she began. "How are things?" Her question could relate to anything and yet she expected him to talk about work.

"Pretty well. Everything is going smoothly", he answered as expected. He made a short break before he continued. "I'm well too, just being a little old", he joked and she almost dropped her cup. He really had changed.

He had to admit he felt a little odd joking about his age, joking in general, but he wanted to be her friend if nothing else and therefore he forced his wards down, trying new ground. She didn't seem to mind. "And you? How are you, Mrs. Hughes?" he asked seriously, wanting to know what had caused her being so spiritless.

"I'm fine, thank you", she answered.

"Only you seemed to be so…" He hesitated for a moment. What word could he use? "You seemed to be a bit sad lately", he said softly.

She smiled sweetly at him. "Did I? I was only a bit tired, that's all", she answered. There was a glow in her eyes he had never seen before and it made him believe her words. He cleared his throat. "Good. If… If anything should ever be wrong I hope you'll tell me. I'm still on your side. That hasn't changed." It was suddenly very warm in his pantry; he wanted to get rid of his tie and jacket.

"You mean I can always talk to you?" she asked carefully, looking at him almost shyly. He wasn't able to speak, so he simply nodded. I'm always there for you, he thought.

Her heartbeat had reached inhuman dimensions since he had asked her how she was. She could see that he was unsure of how to behave. But the way he talked to her proofed her right: She had to be patient yet. He wasn't ready, but on his way to come around. His eyes told her that. He swallowed hard. He was going to say something that took him a lot of courage to say and she smiled at him reassuringly.

"I'm sure you remember what you said on the beach. That I could always hold your hand if I needed to feel steady."

Now she held her breath and her heart seemed to stop beating.

"I might come back to that offer now and then", he said in earnest, his ears turning red.

"I shall hope so." The words had escaped her lips before she knew what was actually happening.

He stared at her, trying to understand what she had just said. Could it be that…? His heart jumped around wildly in his chest. He was shaking a bit; his mouth was dry; it all felt like a dream.

She could see that there was a lot going on in his mind and she slowly, carefully offered him her hand.

He reached for her hand as soon as she offered it. His was shaking a little, but stopped when hers disappeared in it. The touch calmed his nerves and cleared his senses. She is always there for me, he reminded himself, giving her hand a little squeeze. He couldn't have possibly described what he felt in this long moment of holding hands and getting lost in the other's eyes.

Before either of them could say anything, someone opened the door and disturbed them. They turned their heads towards the door, both blinking as if they had awakened from a dream. They didn't bother letting the other's hand go. A few months earlier they might have jumped apart, but not anymore. His eyes widened in surprise when he spotted little Miss Sybbie at the door. She was hugging her teddy bear closely, looking enormously unhappy.

"Miss Sybbie? Why are you down here?" he asked the young girl who was definitely supposed to be in bed.

"I had a nightmare", she sniffed.

Carson exchanged a look with Mrs. Hughes. Why hadn't the nanny been there to comfort the child? He let go of her hand and offered it Miss Sybbie. "Come here. Tell us about this nightmare."

She hurried towards him. She was in her night dress, barefoot, scared. Carson picked her up and placed her on his lap. She snuggled into him. "I don't remember, but it was scary and when I woke up nanny wasn't there", she told them.

"My, my", Mrs. Hughes said softly. "Then we better tell you a lovely story and put you back to bed."

The girls eyes lightened up and her grip on the teddy bear loosened a bit. "Will you?"

Mrs. Hughes moved closer with her chair. Her knee brushed against his. Instead of moving back like he would have done in the past, he smiled at her. Miss Sybbie waited excitedly for her story. Carson wasn't sure what kind of story Mrs. Hughes would tell her. They had no book to read to her, so she would have to invent one. And that was what she did. She told Miss Sybbie about on old forest somewhere far away and of the animals living there. About their daily lifes and problems. She talked about silly squirrels and singing birds, hardworking moles and a lazy rabbit. She created a colourful story for the little miss who laughed and giggled, because Mrs. Hughes tried to imitate the voices all the animals might have. After a while, Carson was able to join her and took the part of the animals his voice would fit with such as badgers, foxes and bears. It wasn't at all difficult to entertain the child. And just when the squirrels had a disagreement about where to hide their nuts for winter, she yawned and her eyes slowly closed. The two adults spoke quietly now, lulling the child into a deep sleep.

Mrs. Hughes watched the young girl, how comfortable she was on Carson's lap and how safe she seemed to feel. In the past it had been a little difficult to understand why the Crawley sisters – Lady Mary in the first place – were so fond of the butler. He was an adorable big bear when it came to children.

Carson had enjoyed the story telling with Mrs. Hughes and was happy with both her smiling so tenderly at him and the child as with Miss Sybbie sleeping in his arms like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Mrs. Hughes", he whispered. "We should probably put her in bed. The nanny might have already sent a search party."

She agreed with a chuckle and got up. Carson moved carefully not to disturb the sleeping little lady he held. He followed her upstairs to the nursery where the nanny set on a chair, absolutely devastated, apologising to Tom. Apparently she thought that Miss Sybbie was missing in the very opposite of a harmless way.

Mary was with them, the crying little George in her arms. When the two heads of staff entered she smiled, looking at Tom who was slightly confused with both the crying nanny and the picture Carson and Mrs. Hughes made.

"I told you she would have gone downstairs", Mary said quietly. Master George looked at the butler with big eyes and forgot that he was actually unhappy with something. He fell asleep moments later.

Carson put Miss Sybbie to bed, covering her gently with the blanket. The nanny had silenced, seeming to feel incredibly stupid. Mary held her son lovingly, while Tom still struggled to understand what he had just seen. He knew Carson was a good man, even kind sometimes, but him being so at ease with a child was news for Tom.

"These two really seem to be besotted with you both", Mary said. "I hope you will be there for them for another few years at least. They will need someone who is not called Crawley now and then."

Mrs. Hughes and Carson exchanged an amused smile, bit the two a good night and exited the room quietly. On their way back downstairs they both felt the same way without knowing the other did. Even though they weren't married and had no children or grandchildren of their own, they felt like parents and grandparents, while together even more than when being alone.

Back in his pantry they agreed that they should go to bed. After putting the tray in the kitchen they went upstairs together, stopping at the door that would separate them.

She looked him in the eyes. He held her gaze. For a long moment they stayed like this. Two people in love with a long and complicated way ahead.

"Good night, Mrs. Hughes", he said finally.

"Good night, Mr. Carson."

Downton kept them so close together and yet so far away from each other.

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