Chapter Twenty-Five
A/N: Saddle in, darker than usual themes up ahead.
Words of Love
Light sat on the edge of the bed and stared out the sliding glass door.
Or at least he looked like he was staring out it, but he was really watching L out of the corner of his eye.
Both people in the room knew he was, too, but neither acknowledged it.
L was messing around with a medical kit that has become a part of the decor of the room. Light sat shirtless waiting for L to get done with it.
Finally L stopped and looked at Light, who was very decidedly not looking at him, and moved to him, gauze and scissors in hand. He made a quick cut and then started unraveling the current gauze that bound Light's chest. He moved carefully and kept his face neutral and slowly did his work.
Light had taken something to help with the pain, but every now and then a subtle movement from L would cause some pain to flare up. It was a small pain, compared to what he got recently, but every flare made him wince, and every wince made L's neutral expression falter.
As the gauze was unwound, it revealed the ugly closed wounds and scars Light now bore. He didn't want to see it. So instead he looked outside and watched L, but L saw it and Light was sure that his lack of reaction to them only came from years of control. That, or L found it fascinating his toy was injured in some way so interestingly.
Light did not know what to think.
Once all the old gauze and whatever were removed, L cleaned the wound. As he did so Light's mind wandered.
Before he knew it the new bandages were wrapped around him and L finished the binding. His hands traced over Lights bandages, checking to see if they were tightly wound. They left shivers in their wake.
Their eyes met.
L looked as if he were about to say something…. but he turned away. Light redirected his attention to the view from the window.
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It is the middle of the night.
Light's eyes open slowly, weighed down by the haze of sheep. It took a moment, but slowly they adjusted, revealing the dark bed room in which Light rested.
There was no glow of the laptop, which meant L was not working late on his laptop. Light looked over and saw a rare sight. A sleeping L.
Seeing him this way looked… strange. Like a water drenched Koala. Or an active Panda. Or a grown man throwing vegetables at a wall because it looked at him funny.
No… that was not the reason was it?
Light lifted his hand and poked L's cheek, unable to stop himself from doing it before he did. L did not stir or waken. He just stayed still. Huh. He must be in a deep sleep. Light would never have thought Ryuzaki capable of such a deep sleep. He was always on guard. Naturally suspicious of the world, just like Light (but Light could not stop himself from sleeping deeply). Supposedly now it was because he was a man with a formidable reputation for justice, earning him many enemies. Maybe that... and the fact that he was just plain weird and constantly overdosing on sugar.
Everyone had their limits, Light supposed. L must have reached his. Not his ultimate limit, of course.
That must be a long way off.
But there were other limits, right? Limits L had not yet reached. How long until he reached the next?
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Light is funny.
Not Light but light.
Light (the person) liked watching the dust particles that floated around in the air in the light (the illuminator) beams.
He never really cared about them before but right now they were fascinating.
How can he even breathe with so many dust articles in the air?
He must be breathing them in. Dust was inside of him.
… Eww.
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Words.
Words are how humans communicate to one another.
Words can be arguments, discussions, thoughts, debates, consolations, recommendations, commendations, and so more.
Words are tricky things.
Words.
There are words floating in the air, coming through a closed door. The words are somewhat muffled but clear to Light's trained ears, which strain to hear more.
He happened across them by chance, drawn to them by curiosity, and trapped by them by… well, Light did not know.
He hears a voice he knows, and voices he does not.
They are talking about him.
"How long are we going to be stuck here while you play babysitter to Captain Crazy?" A young man's voice complains.
"I agree with Mello in that I as well would like to know the duration of our stay in this location." Another young voice says, with an even and robotic-in-nature voice like Ryuzaki's.
No, like L's voice.
"Stop agreeing with me, you little freak."
"I am simply expressing my desire to know as well, and as your questions are often ignored it was logical I voice my want to know the answer as well, thus increasing the likely hood that…"
"Shut up! L, answer the question."
L was in there. Light already knew this. He had heard him say something earlier, but it was something along the lines of asking for a piece of cake to be handed to him. L was very much like Ryuzaki in this way.
So far the young man, named Mello (a weird name, but Light supposed his name was weird too, along with L's. Then again, L's was a codename, as was Watari, so it is reasonable to assume Mello's was as well), has been monopolizing the conversation, mainly talking to Matt, who gave distant answers. Light knew he was playing some sort of handheld game device with sound effects and music turned down low. He knew it was Matt, because he swore every now and then at the game, and no other voice indicated any interest in the game.
L had left Light alone again and Light had decided to go wandering again. He had done this several times now since the kitchen incident, yet he had not caused as much trouble as he did on that day. Okay… maybe just one or two accidentally knocked over vases here and there. (One of the vases he bumped drew out a crazy-looking red head. He wore goggles on his head and a vest over a black and white striped shirt, all which looked odd [but not as odd, Light supposed, as most people he saw on the streets of Tokyo at night]. He just took one look at the vase and swore under his breath. He barely looked at Light when Light was watching him, but Light felt his eyes on him as he fled the scene. Light back tracked a few moments later, out of curiosity, and sat the red-head sweeping up the broken vase pieces with a broom.)
He was sure the red head was one of the people in the room. He was either Matt or Mellow.
"I am uncertain." L responded. He sounded like he was not really paying attention as well, probably playing with his cake as he ate it. Ryuzaki always did that, and it annoyed the hell out of Light.
"I don't know why you are doing this, or why we have to be here." Mello complained.
"Light needs my assistance to recover after the trauma he suffered. You are here in Japan because your assistance was required to wrap up the case while I was preoccupied and as a test of your skills. Your continued presence here is so you can be supervised by Watari yet continue to practice operating outside the orphanage."
"Normally we would be situated in hotels, or at least in a city. Somewhere more realistic to where we will work. Not in some isolated mansion in the middle of nowhere Japan."
Mello sounded like he was the dramatic type. How dreadful. Light could not imagine having to deal with him on a daily basis.
"We do not even have any cases to work on. Not even case simulations. Just boring coursework given to us by our teachers that might as well be done back at the school." Continued Mellow.
"If you find your studies so boring, perhaps you have chosen the wrong profession." L retorted.
"Like we really have a choice." Matt grumbled.
"There is always a choice."
Matt sighed.
Light wondered what they were talking about, exactly. How were they related to L? What school? What the what? Fucking mysteries. It was yet again another way he and L were separated.
Good, right? Right.
Right.
"There is no reason you have to take care of him! He's crazy and needs professional help. Possibly somewhere like a mental hospital where he can learn to get really good at ping pong before being trapped on a mysterious island in the Pacific." Said Mello.
"Forrest Gump? No, Cast Away?" Matt asked.
"No, Lost." Mello answered.
"Oh, good show." Matt commented.
"Good? It was great! Though it was like they kept making things up as they went at times."
"I heard at least a few themes were always a long term plan. But weren't they in purgatory or something?"
"No, no, no! You have it all wrong. That was only for a bit in the last season…"
"I don't even… what?"
"It's hard to explain. Just watch it again or read a synopsis or something online."
"Mello, your pointless tangents are getting in the way of the answers we are trying to seek."
"Shut up Near." Ah. Little L's name was Near. Or it must be, but that was an odd name. Mello was an odd name too. So is L. But Light, no stupid, knew that none of these were real names, just code names. Wait… he already thought of that.
Real names are dangerous. Just look at what a killer did with his.
Light shivered.
"I am well informed on his situation, medically and mentally, and was personally involved with him before the ordeal which has brought him to his current state, so I am well suited to help him through his troubled period." L defended himself.
"How exactly were you involved with Lt. Fruit-Smash before 'the ordeal'?" asked Mello.
"Classified."
"Bullshit. He was your lover or something, wasn't he? That's why you baby him so much."
No, they were not lovers, that stupid teen. They were… well there were not lovers….
"Mello, if you continue to act so childish I may have to reconsider your readiness to compete at such levels…"
"I am right, aren't I? I knew it!"
"Mello, lay off." Matt advised.
"No, I won't! We are waiting around in the middle of nowhere, cleaning up after someone who should be committed. Do you know how long I spent scrubbing tomato shit off the walls? Did you ever consider that he may not stick to produce and vases forever? And how long till he starts harming himself or others? He was catatonic for days and now he's like a creepy nonverbal poltergeist! How long will it be until his next melt down?"
"I thank you and Matt and Near once again for cleaning up the mess so Watari did not have to, and I am certain it will not happen again."
"Do not avoid the real subject!"
"Light just needed to work off some steam."
"You are just making excuses! He's a burden on us all, and we are too important to deal with something like that!"
"You do not know what you are talking about." L sounded almost angry.
"Stop defending him L! You are blind to this whole situation because you are emotionally attached. Cut him loose and let it go."
"Mello, go to your room." L's sounded like an angry parent now.
"What the hell? You can't just send me to my room and make the problem go away!" Mello yelled.
"I am L, so yes I can."
"You can't just do anything you want! What about us, your successors! How can we devote our whole lives to be like you if you crumble apart trying save a lost cause? And what about Doctor Insanity? Is keeping him here really what's best? He sure as hell doesn't seem happy. I can't even stand…"
Mello's raised voice was loud and angry. Light, following instinct, knew that Mello was likely to storm out of that room soon (that are start a brawl) so he had abandon listening at the door and hide down the hall, or get caught.
He chose the way he knew was less likely to be the way Mello went because of his now basic understanding of the layout of the building.
He did not have to wait long before the dramatic exit took place.
"Just so you know, Light is a stupid name!" Mello slammed the door behind him and stormed off, the way Light had predicted.
You are one to talk, bastard.
He only got a glimpse from his hiding place but it was enough to see the boy. Mello was not the red head (Matt must be the red head), but a long-haired, blond boy instead. He was skinny and tall, and his face was flushed. As he stormed down the hall he was opening up a chocolate bar he had pulled out of a pocket as he closed the door. Light could hear the foil of the wrapper. The boy couldn't have been older then fifteen, but was likely younger.
Light stayed in the shadows waiting. Someone else could leave, or everyone. He must wait it out until things likely calmed down.
He knew he should leave now. It would only be logical, if he wanted to avoid getting caught listening and then being forced to address the issues being discussed about him, as he knew L would try to do if he knew he was listening. But… he was dying to hear more.
The door opened again, and this time what looked like a child left the room. Not Matt. This must be Near. Still such a strange name. He looked similar to L in a way, yet not at all. Stark white hair, small in size, and walking with proper posture. Light did not even try to guess his age. Looks here were a deception.
The boy went the same way as Mello.
Light waited a bit longer before he dared to approach the door.
L and Matt were still talking.
"… is nothing to talk about."
"Mello is not just full of hot air. He voiced what we are all thinking about. We are just shoved here because you can think of what to do with us, and neither can Watari, because you are too busy spending time thinking of other things. It does not make sense."
"What does not make sense?"
"Why you are putting everything on halt for one man."
"I do not need to explain myself to you."
"I know that, but maybe you need to explain it to yourself."
"You are very perceptive. Objectively that is good, but I do not appreciate it in this circumstance."
"What are you going to do about Light?"
"I am trying to rehabilitate him."
"And how is that going?"
"His progress is not optimal…"
"I can tell. How does it make you feel?"
"I admit I am a bit frustrated…"
"Just frustrated?"
"Yes. And I see what you are trying to do. Stop it."
"If I were you I would not be just frustrated. I would be angry."
"I have no reason to be angry at Light."
Yes you do.
"Maybe not angry at Light, angry at this whole fucking situation. Angry that there are things out there that I cannot control. Things that hurt the ones that I love. Angry that nothing works out. Angry that even when I am trying to fix things nothing seems to get any better."
"I already know that everything cannot be controlled…" L sounded patronized.
"But it changes when it is you. When it's your loved ones getting hurt. It becomes stronger, more painful, and more powerful."
The room fell silent.
"Light deserves better… You deserve better. If Light won't get better with you, maybe he will elsewhere. It is hurting you both."
Matt's words left an odd feeling inside him. It was if gravity increased. Light felt his shoulders sag and his heart drop.
He could imagine L being effected a similar he was. He imagined the black-haired, pale man curling up, with his feet brought up onto the couch, knees tucked under his chin, arms wrapped loosely around his legs.
"I just… I am lost when it comes to Light."
Words are dangerous.
They easily broke everything left that Light held on to.
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L's voice sounded… defeated. Never had Light heard this emotion coming from L, or even imagined he could be capable of being defeated. Even when he was Ryuzaki, not the never fallible great detective L, Light could sense it, during their odd time together.
And it was because him.
This was a disaster.
Light should never have listened.
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His mother's laugh mocked him as he ran silently away.
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L loved him.
Light now believed it.
Before L's words of love and all his reassurances, everything sounded fake. It was a game created entirely in Light's head. His mind was poisoned against him. And Light might have known that the entire time.
Or not.
Did he really know anything anymore?
L really did love him, and Light was causing him pain.
Right?
Who could stand being ignored or cold heartedly shot down every other day… or hour? Or half day…?
How much time has even passed?
Did anyone in his old fake life even notice he was missing? Surely employees and owners of the bookstore he worked at did when he did not show up for any of his scheduled shifts, or pick up any more like usual. But Light had always made it so no one would be too concerned if he disappeared suddenly one day for one reason or another. No strong attachments or relationships were a rule. He would drop bits of false information about his life that someone would draw conclusions from, like a grandmother in Kyoto who was aging and might have needed him to move there to care for her, or a family in America that missed him and might have cajoled him to immigrate over.
Everything was always so cool and calculated.
If he had died by Mikami's hand who would miss him?
Who would miss the real Light? Not Kira or Akino or the hot guy who works at the enter-name-of-place. Just Light. No one. Because there was no real Light. At least not one worth missing.
L thinks he loves Light.
No… L does love Light… he loves a Light… but not for much longer
He is going to let Light go and leave him just like everyone else
No… everyone else stays and he leaves.
Ryuzaki is L.
Light is no one.
Light is dead.
Most people believe it. Or they believed it. What the hell do they think now? He was dead. He is dead. He should be dead again.
He was a poison that hurt everything he touched. His mind was poisoned. It was turning against him.
And he should listen to it.
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The world spun around him as he ran back to the bedroom. It was like he was running on the walls at times, and at others, on the ceiling.
When he finally burst through the door he closed it behind him and pushed the dresser in front of the door.
Alone. He need to be alone.
Light moved into the bathroom and slammed the door before he side to the floor and hide his face in his hands.
He needed to get it together. Everything was threatening to break free.
He could not breathe.
So he just stayed there trying harder than he ever has before to not think… but he couldn't. His brain would not stop spinning, whispering, laughing, taunting, screaming, crying….
SHUT UP! He shouted to his mind. STOP IT!
He was not himself. He was someone else. No he was him. No. Someone else. He needed to see for himself.
The screaming. The fucking screaming. It needed to stop.
He stood up suddenly which caused him to get light headed.
He stumbled into the sink, catching himself just before he bashed his head into it. The force behind his crashed caused his arm the slipped and run painfully against the sink, leaving a stinging feeling on the back of his wrist.
Light looked at his arm and saw that it wasn't bleeding yet, but there was a line of puffy pink skin signaling that it wasn't far off.
It did not matter.
Light was shaking. He was always shaking, wasn't he?
When he looked in the mirror he stiffened up. It was not his reflection but his father's staring back at him, looking as out of place as Light in this weird house. He blinked and the man he once knew disappeared and was replaced with the sight Light hated the most.
Everything in his head was silent now. A cold silence that sucked in everything like a black hole.
A weak man looked back at him. He shared nothing with the man who fathered him. Nothing Light could see anymore. Anger flared up, as it had before. The mirror shattered and Light backed away startled. His hand, still in a fist, was bleeding but he couldn't feel it.
He heard noises from outside the room but he couldn't hear them.
He knew there was a saner choice but he couldn't see it.
There was always that option… he never really considered. He should be dead. It would be better if he were dead. All those times he should have died and lived. All those people who died because of him. Beyond that, all the innocent people who die for the stupidest reasons like car accidents, falling fucking coconuts, and by the hands of a careless or malicious person. Why did Light deserve to live on over them? He did not.
He could escape. He could accept defeat. He could stop his final rage against the world and accept the inevitable that the world would be better without him.
No one would really miss him.
L might… but he would grieve and move on. Become stronger. No longer be attached to some so weak and pathetic. He was a burden and he knew it. L would have a hard time admitting defeat. He was a lot like Light, but eventually he would give up and let Light go, one way or another. Light could just make it easier for him.
There was a way.
He could make it easier for himself.
L loves Light.
L loves Light.
Light loves L.
It was hopeless.
This would be easy. So easy.
He picked up a piece of broken glass in his hand and looked at it, seeing his eyes looking back.
His irises looked red.
Sounds from beyond the bathroom finally were heard by Light. Sounds he had been ignoring. The cries and commands of a man who did not know yet knew what was happening.
There was a crash coming from the other room. L must have noticed the blocked door and decided to break in. Light did not have much time.
It was time to stop fighting. It was time to end it.
It was his time to be free.
Another loud sound.
Quick he had to be quick. His hand closed around the piece of glass, causing the sharp edges to slice through his skin and cause his hand to bleed. It was the same hand he punched the mirror with.
When he drew it near his wrist his hand shook uncontrollably.
No. No. No.
Now!
This way he would not get a clean and fatal cut. He can't allow it to be salvageable. He needed to be free. He needed it to be over. He can't bring himself to do it again. He won't have the chance to do this again.
Now or never.
Now or never.
Now or never.
NOW OR NEVER!
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"LIGHT!"
BAANNNNNG!
CRASH!
"LIGHT!"
SLAM!
SLAP!
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L slapped the mirror piece out of Light's hand. He locked Light into a wrestling hold and dragged him out of the bathroom, away from the broken mirror and the drops of blood on the floor. He threw Light on the floor and grabbed his arms, one at time to see the damage. When he was done he pushed himself away from Light and copied the position Light had been in not too long ago. Head in hands. Shaking body. Emotions bottled up in him so tight they could not help but escape.
Light lay where he was dropped.
The mirror shard did not find its target.
He froze up the minute he heard L call out his name.
He failed.
Now he was lost.
End of Chapter
Important Author's note:
HANG ON! YOU MATTER! PEOPLE CARE!
If anyone is a bad place, please know suicide is never the answer.
If you are feeling suicidal or need someone to talk to please call the suicide hotline, which you can find if you google or search it on any search engine! I would post the link or a number, but that is allowed. There is help out there! Someone will listen, no matter the problem. Thank you for reading this.
To my readers, hold on for the next few chapters. As you can tell, we are getting somewhere, so don't lose hope!
Thank you for reading and remember, you matter.
Everything matters.
Except energy.
Sorry.