FINALLY! A new chapter! This chapter took sooooo long because I wrote what is written here LITERALLY a hundred times (give or take ten revisions, really) and it never felt right until just now! It had to be perfect (to me!). This story is very important to me, so I apologize profusely for the stupid ass long delay.

But here it is and here you go! I'm posting it right away because it just feels RIGHT

This is NOT the last chapter, so don't fret.

If there are any spelling errors or etc don't fear to tell me. Just leave a review! And leave a review if you don't find any. Or whatever.

Once again SO sorry for the long wait.

Now read!

Chapter Twenty-Six

Something Something Love

L was silent as he bandaged Light's hands.

He did not look up once.

In fact, he did not look at Light at all until he had found the medical kit. And even then, after opening it up, he only looked at Light's hands.

Silence.

This silence was something new. Usually Light was the cause of all silences stretched between them, but this one was different. It seemed colder… crueler. Almost stifling.

L was changed. It was all Light's fault.

His fault.

When he finished he painfully slowly put his work away and stand standing at the far end of the room with his back facing Light.

He was standing up straight. That in itself was significant. His arms were at his sides, hanging loosely, but his hands were curled up in fists. They seemed to tighten and lax with the ins and outs of his breath.

Light watched from his position, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. He did not find the will to move anywhere else, and in a way the wall gave him a sense of security.

Light was stuck in a trance watching him. A small part of him was urging him to run and hide. Avoid this. Avoid it all. He was not ready. This was not the right time. It was never the right time. Flee. What happened next was not necessarily inevitable.

But it was.

There was nowhere left to run.

L had him trapped.

No… Light trapped himself.

Panic.

What was he going to do?

L's fist tightened once more and the dark-haired man turned around and glared. A wave of fear raced through Light's heart and he drew into himself, as if the shield himself from L's eyes.

Light wanted to disappear.

L seemed to growl and he almost ran across the room and seemed to leap at Light, kneeling to get down on his lowly level. He forcefully ripped Light's arms away from their protective bearing and pinned one wrist to the wall, holding the other in an iron grip, forcing Light to face L. Even kneeling, L somehow towered over Light, looking down on him like a dark angel.

"What the hell were you thinking?" His voice was low, in both volume and tone.

Light stayed silent, still wishing, but L's grip only tightened on his wrist; now it was almost painful.

"Light." He growled the name. "What the HELL were you thinking?"

Stubborn silence.

It was the only defense he had left.

Light tried to swallow but his throat was dry. L was terrifying right now. Every word he said sounded like L was struggling to hold back a great rage and contain a great pain.

Light was hurting him. He was hurting himself.

And yet Light still stayed silent.

"I just want to know why. No more excuses. No more denials. I do not want to play the game we play, I just want you to talk."

L's voice rose.

"Did you hear me? You cannot stay silent forever! You cannot keep shutting me out! You cannot shut out everyone for the rest of your life! Speak, god dammit, and tell me why you tried to kill yourself! I thought better of you. I foolishly thought you were strong enough to at least not be this fucking stupid. What the fuck were you doing?"

Light ashamed of himself. He wanted to turn away but fear of L would do if he did froze him in place.

"This is not going to go away. You cannot ignore me. You cannot pretend that this is not happening. Do you want to die? Are you ready to give up so easily? Take the coward's way out? Do you think I would just let you die and be done with it?"

"I don't know…" Light let out, finally, in a quiet voice, barely more than a whisper.

"What do you not know?" L demanded. He was looking straight into Light's eyes, and Light could not help but stare right back into his. Those dark, black, yet not completely black eyes were memorizing. They made Light's heart feel sick and heavy with how much he loved them. Everything that was L was inside them, and he knew that when they looked into his, he could see everything that made Light who he was, even if he did not understand it.

L must be searching his eyes for the answers Light had always refused to give him.

"Speak, Light. Please."

You don't want this. You don't want me. You don't know.

"I don't know!" Light screamed.

Light kicked L away, catching him off guard and freeing himself from the other man's grasp. He then rolled away to put as much distance between him and L as possible. After two tumbles he tried to stand up, ready to run or fight or whatever was necessary. Necessary for what?

As soon as he tried, though, his legs started to buckle underneath him and his head spun. He probably would have crashed to the ground anyways, but before he could L grabbed his shirt and pulled him up so they were once again face to face.

The moment did not last long, as L's expression was dark and before Light could think to act, L pushed Light back and, with a sweep of his legs, force Light to lose his footing.

Light did not go down easily, as his years of fighting kicked in and he automatically kicked his leg forward, tanging it with L's legs, then hooked a leg around one of L's, jerking it forward so L fell with him.

They collapsed together, but Light had managed to twist them so that as they crashed, he was on top. The action was careless, thoughtless. It aggravated his mid-section.

L responded fast, kicking Light off him. The force knocked Light to his feet and made him stumbled backwards. L quickly got to his feet and gracefully mirrored Light's movement.

It was as if they were attached by a chain.

If L wanted him to stop being silent, he was about to get his wish.

"Why can't you just give up on me?" Light cried out.

Misguided rage coursed through him and he lashed out.

L caught his fist and directed it away in one smooth motion. Light withdrew it and stood, fist up and ready to strike. L was like a catcher, ready to catch and redirect every hit thrown his way.

"Why can't you let me go?"

Another punch. Another deflection.

"Why can't people just leave me alone and forget about me! Let me die! Let me stay dead! Looking at me! Saying my name! Just stop it! Stop it all! It's all more then I deserve!"

Light yelled, throw another punch. This time it wasn't even aimed directly at L. Just a punch thrown blindly into the air.

"Is that what you want to know? What you want me to finally say so you can admit it? That I don't deserve this? Your love. Your kindness. Your pity. It is all wasted! Wasted on me! I am dead already! Why can't you see it?"

"You are not dead, Light." L spoke.

"But it would be easier wouldn't it? For you?" His voice was angry and raw. He was closing in on himself.

"What do you mean?" L's voice was quiet.

"If I were dead it would be easier. You would no longer have to love me and take care of me. I would no longer be a burden."

"Light..." L said his name with such softness…. "Where is this coming from?"

"It is true. You want me dead. I am a burden on you and if I died all you would have to do is bury me and get over it."

"That is not what I want." L sounded pained.

"Of course not. You are too great of a man to wish for someone else's death. You are everything I do not deserve. You would never admit you wanted it. The thought would never even cross your mind to think you wanted such a thing… But if I did your life would be so much easier."

Light was shaking. He felt feelings he had been holding down for so long bubbling up and he knew he could not let them out, nor could he hold them back. He was like the cork stuck in the neck of a champagne bottle about to burst.

Light broke, and started shouting. "It's what I know! I know you can't deal with me anymore! Let me die! Let me kill myself! Send me away! Let me go!"

"I do not want to send you away! But if you are determined to kill yourself what can I do? Stand here and watch you die? Let you get consumed by your own demons? I have been trying so hard, Light, and I do not know how to get to you. How can I help you? You need to let me in so I can!"

"Why?" Light hiccupped. "So you can finally have the answers to all your questions? Solve any mysteries you have left about me? Try and figure out why and how I did everything I did, and how I feel about it? All so you can know it and be satisfied!"

"I do not want to know those things because I want to! You are not some mystery I have to solve."

Light threw himself at L but was easily caught and turned around, now wrapped in a bear hug against his will. He was weak. The surge of energy from fight and flight evaporated. L's grip around him tightened and he eased both of them to the ground. Light's back rested against L's chest. It was perfectly curved to enclose him and made Light feel sinfully comfortable.

"I am trying to help you." L spoke softly into his ear.

Light hung his head in his hands. "Why? Why do you want to help me?"

L sighed. "Because I need you, Light."

"You do not need me. You do not even know who I am. You were you the whole time. I see it now. You have not changed. The way I acted… That is not who I am. That was just some persona I became when I was around you. One of many I adopt. I can be a thousand different people. I do not even know who I am anymore."

Silently, L listened.

"The real me died, years ago. He is lost."

"Whose fault is that?" L asked. "Yours. And that's exactly how you want it to be. Lost. Forgotten."

"It is…"

L words because harsh. "You never died Light. Your parents may have died that day, but you did not. You survived. But you lost yourself. You never let yourself live. I do not know what happened to you, but every time you did open up, it must have come back to bite you. You gave up entirely. You have successfully trapped yourself, blocking your very self away from the rest of the world so you can be alone. This way no one can hurt you, right? And no one can get hurt back. No one can get close."

With one arm still firmly wrapped around Light, holding him close, L's free hand ghosted over Light's shirt, which had fallen open revealing the bandages, patchily stained red.

L continued. "You think life is easier this way? I was like that once, and I learned the hard way that no one can survive like that forever. It is destroying you, and if you do not fight it, you will be truly lost, and I cannot allow that to happen. I love you."

"And if I don't love you?" Light whispered.

L moved his free hand caressed his cheek as L placed his forehead against the top of Light's head.

"I will never abandon you." He promised.

"Love is destructive. Love is poison. Everything I love is ruined. I can't have that happen. Not to you. If I lose you…"

"Oh Light…"

"I love you. Of course I love you! I love you and it is killing me." Light's eye began to sting and he curled up, shaking violently.

"I loved you quite possibly from the moment I first saw you on the bridge, but I did not know it then. The more we met, the closer we got, the more I discovered how much I loved you, but I did not know it until I almost lost you. You are the first person I have ever loved in such a way, and it killed me to realize it. When I learned that you were the target… that your life was on the line… I was almost lost. And if you had died… I might be very close to the way you are now.""

L's grip on Light tightened to where it was almost painful, but that was what loving L was like. It was pain and it was wonderful. It was wrong yet it made Light feel alive. He deserved to be abandoned, but against all logic L and his love for Light held on tight and fought for him.

"I don't understand why you love me. I'm a monster. "

"No, you are not. I am L. I know evil from good, Light. You are not evil. You are all that was innocent and pure in this world and the evil of others has brought you down from grace to where you are now."

"It's my fault." Light whispered.

"No." he responded.

"It's my fault!" Light cried out. "It's my fault! My fault! It is all my fault! I killed them!"

This was it. L pushed. Light was trapped. By him and by himself. L wanted the truth? He would see. He would finally see and he will become disgusted. He will let go of his hold on Light and finally let him die. Give up. His love would die when he saw the truth and it hurt Light more than any knife.

Tears poured out now. Tears of years and years of suffering. The tears he shed for his father, and the ones he never managed for Shiori, when he thought his tears long dried up with the person he once was and could have become.

"My mother killed my father because of me. It was all my fault. She was jealous… I stole all the attention. Demanded it. I just wanted my father to be proud of me. She couldn't take it anymore. She killed him one day in the kitchen when she could take it no longer."

Light turned to face L, burying his face into the man's shirt, clenching tightly and he cried and shook and let everything he has been holding back go.

"I was there. I saw the whole thing. My father may have lived if I had done something. Anything. But I just stood there like an idiot and let him bleed. I could have ran for help. Called the police. Convinced my father to give up on my mother and leave with me. If I had tried to stop her… take the knife from her hand…"

"She could have killed you."

"It would have been better if she did! Instead, with her last spiteful breath she laughed and cursed me. Told me it was all my fault and left me to live on alone with the burden of that knowledge. Without a family or a place to belong to and have everything I ever known taken from me.

"And if she had killed me, then Shiori would never have died. She would never have been out that late with me and ended up on that fucking bus… She died. All my fault. I ran, like a coward, because I was guilty and unwanted and feared what would happen next.

"I abandoned my friend when he needed me most and it drove him insane. If I had been there… But then he… he killed all those people, L. Killed them in cold blood. Just so they would spell out my name in a fucking twisted game, drowning it in so much blood, I'll never been clean. It's all my fault. It's all my fault and I'm drowning in the blood and all I can hear is laughter. Her laughter. And I… I just can't take it anymore. So I tried to kill myself! So I could run away again an escape this punishment I deserve!

"It's my fault and I'm drowning in their blood because I deserved to be soaked and you can't love me because it ruins it all! It makes no sense and makes me feel so happy and that is wrong because it's all my fault and I'm dragging you down with me!"

He was sobbing now. Each sob racked through him. His voice was hoarse and his eyes blind to the world, blurred with tears that streamed down his face, staining L's shirt. He waited. Waited for L to push him back, to blame him like the rest and once, and gloriously for all, walk away, but since when did L ever do what Light expected?

He pushed Light up so their faces were level and crashed his lips to Light in a passionate kiss that Light could no longer fight. When they broke away Light crumble back into L's embrace, resting his head on L's shoulder and the man he fought so hard against pulled him closer than ever.

"It is not your fault." L said, and repeated, as Light sobbed and clutched onto him for dear life.

"You are not to blame for the evil in others. You never killed anyone. Your father died because of your mother's actions and your mother's actions alone. There was nothing you could have done to change that, and nothing you can do now. Shiori was unlucky, and died because another man was desperate enough to throw away his life hijack a bus, and selfish enough to hide behind his gun when threatened. And Mikami was a fool. He latched onto you for whatever reason and made you his own god, which was selfish of him. No one should ever be held up to those standards or have to deal with those who act foolishly in their name. Mikami killed those people not because it was your fault but because he was sick and mentally unwell. He lost his sense of morality and chose the evil way. Something you never have. It doesn't make you a monster to feel guilty for their deaths. It makes you human. It makes you just like me. I have lost others before under my command and I felt responsible, but it was not I who made the enemy evil. It is a path one must choose. One you never picked. Just one you thought you fell down, when in reality you were far from it. You are a good man, Light. An innocent man. You are your father's son, and I love you."

L soothed Light by stroking his back. His scent, his touch, his everything, was Light's, and he cried for Light. But his tears were strong and silent, and his voice full of conviction. Eventually Light's despair calmed and he was left, heavy and weak, hanging limply over L like a ragdoll. Tears still streamed from his eyes down his cheeks.

L pushed Light up once again so that they were face to face once again. Both men stared into each other's eyes, both somehow knowing that no one has ever seen the other like this before. They were both truly open, truly themselves for the other, with no layer in between no masks, no words, no guilt or holding back of any kind.

Light was L's and L was Lights. Both at each other's mercy, which was just crazy on L's behalf and Light was just, well, crazy.

"And now, Light, it is time for you to decide. Within every man there is the part of you that is evil and the part of you that is good. The part that runs and the part that stays. The part that hates and the part that loves. Which part of yourself are you going to let win?"

Light closed his eyes for a moment and thought. When he opened them again they were bright. Brighter than they have ever been before, shinning with a brilliance, a shimmer, a bright… light.

"I love you." He told L.

L smiled, satisfied with the answer. "I love you, too."