A/N : This is another chapter of the story Saving My Brother. I apologize for the typos or maybe the spelling mistakes. Please enjoy the story. :)

I own nothing. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare.

Part Three – Trying to Kill

My body felt numb.

I'd ever heard that people could be disoriented after got a long sleep, and It kind of often happened to me just lately.

I could feel everything around me, but I hardly felt my body. I could sense the fresh air touching my skin, the tender bed beneath my back, and someone was making a move not so far from me.

But I couldn't move my body. Even just a tip of my fingers. It seemed like I failed to find where my arms and my legs were. I even couldn't find out how to opened my eyes.

It took some minutes until I could gain back the control of my body. Started from the tip of my fingers, then my legs and my arms, and finally, I could open my eyes. A white light bursted into my sight in an amount that could blinded me right when I did it. It made me closed my eyes again immediately.

After a few second, I tried it once again. This time I did it slowly. Just a slit at the beginning, enough for the adaptation. Then I widened it slowly till my eyes could fully opened without feeling dazzled.

The first thing I saw was a white cellar, and also a white wall.

I blinked.

The room where I laid covered by white. The cellar, the walls, even the bed. As if I was thrown to the Ice-carved room.

It wasn't impossible due to the cold breeze that I felt.

Still felt a bit numb, I tried to move my body and sat.

Right then, I nearly jumped.

Not far from me, sat sebastian Verlac. His pitch dark eyes stared at me with a look that I could only describe as a winning look. A satisfaction flashed through that eyes.

"Where am I?" I asked in disgust. Trying to distanced myself from him, "What did you do to me?"

Sebastian laughed. Not kind of laugh which is warm or comforting. He sounded like he was laughing at something that only understood by himself.

"This is one of our father's special house. After you broke the apartment, I moved here. You didn't think that Valentine Morgenstern had only one hiding place, did you?"

I shook my shoulder. Looking at him contemptuously.

"I believe so. If it wasn't, We should have arrested him long ago."

Sebastian laugh vanished.

"How about you? Your mother should have much hiding place. Especially with the mortal cup in her hands."

I know he said that words to despise me. He should have known that live in mundane's world wasn't as easy as people thought it was.

"Well," I answered fiercely, "We didn't need so much hiding place. We aren't fugitives though. We didn't do such a crime like You!"

Sebastian moved very fast. In a blink of an eye, he was standing right in front of me. He bowed in such a way that made us became so close. I suddenly felt the urge to inched back but I resisted. I looked up back at him, trying not to seemed afraid.

"Your mother should have felt it too," he hissed with hatred, "How the clave chased and treated the shadowhunters who'd been loyal to our father."

Sebastian spoke so close to my face. So, Once again, I could feel his warm breath. Now I couldn't help but pulled myself back. He made me feel disgusted.

But he wouldn't be Sebastian Verlac if he let me go that easy. He pushed me hard till now I was laying in the bed. His hands held a very tight grip upon my shoulder, crushing me to the bed. His legs was in my both side.

I realized, now we were even closer than before.

In this distance, I could see him very clearly. His eyes as dark as the black hole, pale skin, and white hair. He wasn't looked like Sebastian Verlac at all. He is completely Jonathan Moergenstern.

My brother.

But like I said, I would never call him Jonathan. Not until I forgave him

And it maybe means never.

"Of course not," I answered with as much hatred as he sounded, "My mother didn't encourage YOUR father's plans."

"You're right. Jocelyn betrayed our father," Jonathan smiled cynically, "Your mother left us. Me and our father. What kind of mother who abandoned her family?"

I cracked my teeth. I hated listening to the way he talked about my mother. He sounded as if my mother was a heartless selfish woman who neglected her family to made sure of her own safety.

But it wasn't true. My mother did that to save me. Her daughter.

"A woman who realized that her husband is a power-seeker psychopath?" I scorned, "Plus, He has ruined their son's life? What do you expect from a woman?"

Jonathan's eyes darken by anger. I couldn't believe if it's possible because his eyes was completely dark already.

But it happened.

One of his hand shifted from the bed and started to caressed my cheek. His fingers felt as cold as an ice upon my skin. He looked through my eyes as he spoke, sounded so deadly.

"Who the hell are you to say that my life has been ruined?" he hissed.

As sudden as his movement usually was, he held a tight grip in my throat with the hand which had just caressed my cheek a moment ago.

Choked by Jonathan's grip, I tried to make a smirk.

"You are in the clave's blacklist, all shadowhunters are chasing you, your mother neglected you, and your father loves Jace more than he love you if he ever loved you at all! What's remained?"

I practically blurted my words out. For a second, I think Jonathan was going to explode furiously and kill me, but no, he was just staring at me with his void dark eyes. His face frowned and twisted like I had burned the inside of his head. His fingers in my throat twitched. It made me prepared for all the possibility.

"And you, Clarissa," he whispered as soft as a velvet. His tone was still so damn deadly, "How about you? Why I didn't hear you said your name? How's your feeling toward me?"

I felt a chill went through my body. Jonathan's words were a trap, I know it. But I didn't know the right answer.

"You're still asking how's my feeling toward you?" I asked, once again, cynically, "Do I have to say 'psychopath' once again? Or you would be happier if called by…"

Jonathan squeezed my throat and the rest of my words disappear as I choked.

"You are the same as me, Clarissa," he then tilted his head, moved his hand to the side of my body to support his motion, and he whispered in my ears, closing his eyes. I could hear him clearly because we were so close. I could hear his heartbeat. So strong in his chest even though I didn't touch it.

I held my breath in surprise, finding that his heart beat in such an inhuman speed. Mine was also fastened in fear.

"Basically, we're same."

"I told you…!"

"You just haven't see it yet," he continued, paid no attention to my protest, "You can even be more evil than me."

I stunned. Unable to accept his words

"I'm sorry?" I asked in disbelief, "How could I be more evil than you?"

You're the demon. I nearly said that, but I could stop myself in the very last moment.

Jonathan slowly opened his eyes. Looked at me right in the eyes with some undefined gaze.

"Do you realize? You aren't dead by now," Jonathan voice become low and low till I had to listen carefully if I wanted to understand his words. He was like mumbling to himself when he spoke, " I can't kill you without thinking thousands times, Clarissa. But You," he stopped for awhile, staring at me as if he was regretting something, "You would kill me without a single doubt if you had a chance."

This time, I didn't say a words to argued him. Jonathan's words was true. I admitted it. But I was surprised to know that he couldn't just kill me easily.

"But why?" I urged, "Why can't you kill me without thinking thousands times?"

Jonathan Morgenstern fell silent. He looked at me from beneath his thick eyelashes. His wide dark eyes seemed as if they wanted to swallow all of my face.

"Because you are my sister," he sighed in such a tone like he didn't have another option, "Who do I belong to but you? Your blood is my blood, my bones is yours. All of me is yours to own and so do you for me. I'd told you, had I? That we have a bond between us."

Back there when we fought in Valentine's apartment, he already said that words. Now, I answered him with the same answer as before.

"You don't love me."

I said that words with a stern tone. I couldn't deny that there was a little bitterness and it made me sick, but what do you expect me to feel? You would feel the same if your long lost brother turned out to be a psychopath.

Once again, Jonathan fell silent. This time he didn't answered me instantly.

"To love is to destroy," he said softly. This sentence stunned me. I'd ever heard it before, "And to be loved is to be one destroyed. You want me to destroy you, Clarissa?"

Jace!

That words was the same as the ones Jace told me long ago, when I'd just met him. Jonathan said the same words as Jace did.

The fact that Jonathan and Jace was raised by the same person hit me so hard.

They was raised by the same person, but with a different treatment. At last, Jace could find out that Valentine's words was wrong. He had the lightwoods and me who love him and made him stronger.

While Jonathan? Did he has someone by his side?

No. He had no one by his side. Just like what I said before. I believed, telling him that love would make him stronger was a waste of efforts.

"If only," I muttered. My voice was full with regret, "If only..."

"What?" Jonathan frowned. He couldn't figure it out, where my mind wandered.

"If only mother had brought you with us," I sighed, "Everything would have been different."

I remembered when Jonathan asked me, if we were raised together, would I love him? That time I answered that, if that was what happened, I must have learned to love him.

Honestly, I wasn't really sure with that answer back there.

Now I'd just realize that My answer could be right.

Unfortunately, the world where 'if only' was really happen and this real world had been separated by a great distance. Greater than the distance between heaven and hell.

With a little bit fear, I watched as Jonathan's eyes darken.

"Jocelyn hates me," he hissed with pure hatred.

"No!" I argued fast, "Mother doesn't hate you. She just afraid of your demon blood. She's still crying for you, the kid who'd been lost, taken by Valentine's crazy experiments."

Jonathan's expression stiffened. Involuntary, he grabbed the bed cover.

"Yes. She mourned for Jonathan whom she lost. Not me. If it's come to me, the only thing she'd ever cried for is her inability to kill me," he said it flatly and coldly, "You should have regret that fact. Should have say, If only my mother killed You years ago."

I silenced. I wouldn't admit that it did cross my mind. I'd ever regret my mother failure in killing Jonathan.

"Well… I didn't say so," slowly, I spoke, "But I will say that words if my mother's tears are really gone for nothing. I will say it out loud with no regret if Jonathan whom my mother mourned is no longer in there."

I looked back at him through his eyes. Challenged him to deny my words.

I didn't know what was he thinking because he didn't say a thing. He just looked at me and didn't lift his gaze from me even though seconds had passed.

Finally, he just released me from his crush and urged to the door.

"Wait!" I sat as fast as I could.

Jonathan stopped. His hand was in the doorknob. He gazed at me over his shoulder.

"How could it be that we are bound? What kind of bond do you think we have?" I asked, trying to hide my worry.

Next second, I had Jonathan Morgenstern smirked at me.

"Feeling curious, Little Sister?" he teased. His body shifted and now he was facing me, still stayed in his standing place. He shove his bangs from his forehead, "See by yourselves," he said as he laugh softly, "Then tell me what bond do YOU think we have."

Then he turned around, got out the room, and slammed the door. He left me alone in this quiet room.

Now, nothing was clearer than one thing,

Jonathan was hiding something.

And I'd learned from my experience, every single time Jonathan hid something, it was really not good at all.

All day long I trapped in the white room. Jonathan locked the door when he left me. I had no choice but stay because Jonathan took my stele so I couldn't draw a rune.

From the glass window, I could tell that this house was more special than the last apartment in which I, Jace, and Jonathan lived. Just like that apartment, this house moved between dimension. But, this house not only moved through space, but also time, the fourth dimension. Maybe this was why it became Valentine's special hiding place.

Who could find you if you hid in the past?

When Jonathan left me this morning, the view outside showed me a beautiful landscape of white snow. The earth was covered by a white freezing blanket. And as far as I could see, the world was dominated by white and grey.

But then, a few hours ago, the view started to change. Now I see a strange tropical wood. Far in the distance, I saw a volcano that still released a thick smoke from its peak. Gigantic strange birds flew across the sky. Luckily, they seemed like couldn't see this house. They just passed by as if this house was invisible.

Or maybe, so was it.

We were back in the past time. Thousands years ago before I even born.

I could never imagine if I were left outside. It was almost impossible for me to traveled back to my time. Except I could find a very great warlock who could send me through time. But, considering that histories of humankind weren't been written yet in the age where that gigantic birds lived, I doubted if this was possible.

In the other words, I was really trapped in this house. And the question was, until when? I really had to find it out.

Could this mean I have to stay in here forever?

No! I believed Jonathan had some plans. He would never stay in the past. He had some evil thing to do in order to destroyed the world.

My world.

So, while I was trapped here, I had to know anything about his plans and what he was hiding from me. I had to find out the way I could stop him from ruining everything that I cared about.

For the umpteenth time, I walked across the room. After dinner, I'd entered Jonathan's room and stole his stele. His stele was my only weapon tonight. Jonathan took Uriel and Raguel when he brought me here. I'd seen them in his room back there when I took the stele. I wished that seraph blades were still in there. So I could use it to kill Jonathan if I got the chance.

I had to do it as soon as I got the chance, I thought to myself, even though I had to stay in here forever because of that.

Indeed, Jonathan had to die in order to save the world.

I looked toward the clock over the drawer.

Two A.M.

I hoped he was already asleep.

With trembling hands, I pulled out the stele and started to draw the strength, speed, and agility runes in both my arms and legs. The last, I added the 'soundless' rune in my legs. This runes would prevent me from making any noises.

After I was ready, I walked towards Jonathan's room. I didn't need to tiptoed or skulked anymore. Both my steps and everything which I touched wouldn't make any noise.

It didn't take much time for me to reach Jonathan's room. Some minutes later, I'd stood in front of his door. My heart beat so fast as I drew an opening rune after did the 'soundless'. The door opened without any sound, allowed me to came into the room.

This room was dark. Like I thought, Jonathan had fall asleep. To prevented him from waking up, I drew a rune that paralyzed all his senses. So there was no possibility for him to caught me here.

After I got my work done, I looked at Jonathan's sleeping face. In his slumber he looked younger than he should be. His eyes closed. Strands of white blonde hair fell upon his forehead, so smooth against his skin. All of his scars completely subtle under the pale moonlight. His skin looked as fine as a porcelain. He didn't wear any clothes but a black baggy short so his well-built body was nearly exposed.

Seeing Jonathan like this, I couldn't believe that he was planning in slaughtering the shadowhunters. He seemed so innocent.

But I wouldn't allow that to softened my heart. This time I had to kill him. If I could kill him now, then the whole problem would been solved.

Okay, there would be one problem remained.

How could I get out from this house?

But that was my problem, and as long as I could save everything that I love, I thought I could handle it.

I looked around and felt relieved when I saw Uriel and Raguel in the corner. I grabbed one of them and went back to Jonathan's side.

"Raguel," I whispered softly, watching as the blade lightened the entire room.

Slow but sure, I lifted the blade and was ready to stabbed it to my brother's chest.

Then I paused.

I didn't know what kind of demon which possessed me, but Jonathan's words echoed in my head.

Who do I belong to but you?

I stunned. Why it had to come now?! Why that question haunted me now?!

Jonathan wasn't mine, just like I wasn't his. I would never want to be his and I'd never want him.

I tightened my grip on Raguel, collecting my strength.

You could be more evil than me, Clarissa.

Right. He was right. I could be more evil than him. I even tried to ignore when my heart spoke to me.

You are in the clave's blacklist, all shadowhunters are chasing you, your mother neglected you, and your father loves Jace more than he love you if he ever loved you at all! What's remained?

I shut my eyes close as my own words rushed into my mind.

How could I say such an evil words? I knew it was true, but I'm not the kind of girl who could say such a thing like that to other people. Why it had to be toward my brother instead?

But he'd never be my brother, a voice in my head spoke. If you referred to the bloodline then yes, he's my brother, but he'd never be a brother for me. It was really the opposite of what Alec and Jace had. They even didn't share the same blood, but they are brothers in heart.

For the first time since I knew them, I felt jealous.

"No.."

I stunned. Jonathan's voice sounded so clear amongst the quiet room.

He was awake! But… how could he? Did I draw the rune wrong?

"No!"

I felt my body stiffened. As stiff as s statue. Slowly, I lifted my gaze from his chest, which I was about to stab, to his restless face. The innocence of his expression had gone. Switched by the painful one.

"Dad.."

I felt so relieved as I realized that he wasn't awake. He was just delirious. He started to move restlessly in his sleep. His face frowned.

"No…"

I knew I had to move fast. Indeed, the runes which I drew would keep him in unconscious state, but I didn't know how long it could handle Jonathan. I had to kill him immediately.

Once again, I tightened my grip on Raguel, and this time I swore I would really stab him. I was ready to lifted the blade down and plunged it into his chest when it happened.

Jonathan restlessly rolled back, his back faced me.

Right then, my hand wavered causing my grip to loosened. My arms became weak till I couldn't maintain it up above my brother's bare chest. I breathed so hard to get the air. Suddenly it felt like I was running out of oxygen.

I saw it, once again. The whip weals left by Valentine in Jonathan's back. So many of it, crossed one another. Countless.

Did it hurt?

All the time.

My hand was really weak now so I shift it down till Raguel was hanging in my side. My mind wandered, thinking about so many possibilities.

Why? Why he still kept a faith on Valentine even though Valentine had tortured him like this?

To be loved means to be one destroyed.

Is that the reason why he thought like that? Because of what Valentine had done to him?

"No!" Jonathan yelled again. Louder this time. He turned towards me and I could see the pain in his face, "No! don't!"

I flinched.

"Help…" in his sleep, Jonathan begged. His voice fulled with pain and sorrow. I almost couldn't bear to hear it, "Please, dad! Don't!"

A voice of my brother which fulled of plea now was breaking my heart. What kind of dream did he see? How could it make a heartless monster like him begged?

I wanted to know. I wanted to know what happened to him that could hurt him so deep like that. What was done to him?

As I thought of my will, a rune popped up in my head. The rune told me something through its dynamic lines.

It was a Dream Rune.

Without wasting any time, I drew it in Jonathan's chest and its pair in the back of my hand.

Just like its name, as the rune drawn, I felt so tired and sleepy. The last thing I did was put Raguel in the floor while I sat beside Jonathan's bed, I stretched out my arms and held his hand. Then I laid my head on the edge of the bed, and fell asleep.

I didn't know how long I'd slept, but the next thing I realized that I wasn't in Jonathan's room anymore.

I was in his dream.

So that's all for now. Please feel free to tell me what you think. :D