Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off of HIMYM, but that'd be cool if I did.

This was even harder to write then the last chapter. Emotions are always hard to convey just how you want them. Most of the scenes in this chapter come from the episode Symphony of Illumination. I love to tie in episodes with my fics.

Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 4: Echo's from the past

Robin didn't say anything as her team packed up the camera equipment. She tried to agree or disagree at the right moments when others spoke to her. She thought she laughed appropriately at the café when Barney told her the jokes he was posting on his blog.

But she didn't feel like she was really there. She felt like she was locked in Lily and Marshall's bathroom as she tried to explain to Barney that she thought she was pregnant many years ago.

She remembered how she'd been afraid. She'd been afraid Barney would faint (which he had twice, after she'd punched him), or jump out the window, or simply refuse to believe he was a father.

But he hadn't done any of those things.

In fact he'd surprisingly said, "That's wonderful." and "I'm gonna be a daddy!"

This had caused her to faint.

He'd turned on daddy mode so fast it'd made her head spin. He wouldn't let her drink; he dragged her to a baby store and shoved cute baby dresses into her face. All-the-while she was freaking out.

At one point he told her he wanted to be a dad.

Could that still be true? Did Barney still somewhere deep down want to be a father?

As they made their way up the stairs to their room, Robin thought about how they'd both consecutively freaked out at the baby store and decided they didn't want her to be pregnant. They'd even danced at the doctor's office when they found out she wasn't pregnant.

Barney knew she couldn't have kids. She told him years ago and he'd been the one person who did exactly as she wanted when she told them, he held her. Before their wedding he told his mother she couldn't have kids and that he hadn't wanted any.

But he liked kids. He adored his nephew since the first time he'd met him. He was even good with Marvin, Daisy and Penny.

It had always been clear that Barney liked kids but today it was clear that kids liked Barney.

The image of Barney holding that baby, Eliana, was burned into her brain.

Robin was use to Barney looking at her like she glowed. She could be the only person he saw in a whole room sometimes.

Today she'd seen that look on his face as he stared at another girl.

Robin poured herself a glass of wine, taking a large gulp before filling it back to the top again. She tried to sit but felt restless.

Barney was packing away his laptop but was doing it suspiciously slow. He'd noticed at some point she was too quiet which was unusual after a shoot.

Usually she would have talked non-stop all about it. Hell, usually she'd be so turned on from being on air she wouldn't be able to keep her hands off Barney or even wait till they'd reached their room.

Barney was giving her sideway glances as he poured himself some wine. Robin saw as the wheels in his head turning as he tried to come up with a reason she would be upset. He looked at the exits, the door from the room or the balcony.

"Robin -"

"Barney, are you happy?" she interrupted whatever he was going to say.

Barney looked taken-a-back for a moment clearly confused from the question. Then he sighed, chugged his glass of wine and tried to flatten his already flat tie.

"Robin if this is about earlier I'm sorry I yelled about the WiFi –"

"No Barney it's not about the WiFi," she interrupted him again. Robin sighed and brought her hand up to rub her forehead. "Is this just not working anymore?"

"What this? This, this?" Barney asked as he waved his hand between them. He looked confused, really confused. This was understandable since she wasn't making much sense.

Her thoughts were jumbled with images of the past flashing across her mind.

Robin remembered the blonde young man dressed stylishly in an Italian suit and the young girl with long brown hair much like her own. She'd talked to them, explaining how she'd told their father she was pregnant. She'd apologized multiple times for saying she'd never wanted them. She'd watched them disappear as she found out she not only was not pregnant but could never have children.

She remembered the cold chill as the snow fell around her and the chill inside her as she realized she would never have them. She remembered how empty it had felt to lose of them.

Robin took a deep breath and looked into Barney's eyes.

"If I gave you an out, right now, if there was an exit ramp right here at the three year mark, would you take it?" she asked.

Barney inhaled deeply, his eyes widening.

Oh god, why had she just said that? That was not the question she'd meant to ask.

"R-Robin?" Barney was staring at her and not moving as if he was afraid if he did she would scare and run away like a deer.

Did she look that scared?

Robin closed her eyes unable to look at Barney and exhaled deeply as she down on the bed.

"I saw the way you looked at her," it was barely a whisper but Robin was sure Barney heard her.

The room was still. Suddenly it was silent but loud at the same time. She could hear her own heart beating in her ears. The clock ticking on the wall sounded more like it was beating down the door. The ocean three stories down sounded like they were standing right in front of it. But they were silent and it was the most deafening.

Barney slowly sat in the bed beside her. She felt his fingers tuck under her chin and he gently forced her to look at him. His eyes darted all over her face as if he was unsure where to look.

"Looked at who Robin?" he spoke quietly.

Why were they whispering like they were telling a secret?

"The baby. Eliana," Robin felt her throat clamp up. She wanted to look away but his eyes wouldn't let hers go. "I saw you at the church with her."

"I don't understand," Barney said.

Of course he didn't understand; she was doing a terrible job of this.

Robin moved her chin out of his reach and looked at the floor.

"Barney you know I can't have children," she choked on that last word. Why? She hadn't been upset at this fact in years. "Barney, do you want children?" Robin peeked to the side as she said this; she wanted to see his reaction.

First he looked surprised then his faced changed into many emotions. Somehow he looked confused, panicked, sad, and finally ashamed before looking away from her.

Barney folded his hands in his lap and stayed silent.

Robin wondered what he was thinking. Was he mad at her? Was he thinking about what she'd offered before about a way out?

"Before I answer that," Barney said and looked back up her. "Real quick, do you want to get super drunk and have sex right now?"

She was scared and he was scared. What else could they do but fall back to old habits? They'd always avoided things: the Talk, fights, the truth.

Why couldn't love just be simple like sex? During sex you didn't have to talk about emotions you only had to feel them.

Right now Robin felt empty and she'd do anything to feel something right now.

"Of course!"