Chapter 11

Paul walked me to every class for the rest of the week and the week after that and the week after that. Lisa was thrilled saying he really liked me, and that I could break his heart soon…..she even had an extravagant way I could do it. I on the other hand was starting to feel extremely guilty, even though I didn't look at Paul as a bet…..that's what he began as and I could see it in his eyes that he cared about me. It was obvious…..and I was beginning to think Lisa was right about him being jealous of James.

He hadn't said anything, but when Lisa brought him up again his face would contort into a frown, and I knew he was. I had kind of become extremely attached to Paul…he made me laugh and smile. He made me forget about Josh, which wasn't easy to do since Josh was on my mind 24/7. When I was with Paul, it was just him and I. He had kept his promise to me about bringing me back to see Fault in our Stars he actually had brought me twice paying for my ticket both times. He brought me to the beach and we would sit in the back of his truck and watch the waves kiss the sand.

He would tease me and not take my crap, and always seemed to know when something was wrong. He had even come over for dinner and met both my parents who adored him…..and he and Hunter had become best friends….or rather Hunter adored Paul and Paul was nice to Hunter. Paul wasn't as social as I had once thought he was. Honestly, he didn't really talk to anyone other than me, Jared, Sam, or Emily unless it was out of politeness.

He had also kept up with his promise to treat me like a best friend should be treated. He went above and beyond for me….just like I had always done for Lisa. I actually felt like I didn't do enough for him. He was my best friend, he and I were practically as close as Hunter and I and that was why I felt so guilty. I adored Paul and I wasn't going to lie to myself anymore about caring about him. I wouldn't say I was in love with him, because I doubted I could ever love someone again after Josh…..but Paul was special and I did adore him.

"Ali, I think we should break Paul's heart tomorrow, don't you think?" Lisa asked excitedly to me as we did homework in her room.

I took a deep breath and told her the words I had been up all night planning. "Lisa, I don't think I want to go through with the plan anymore," I whispered.

She froze, then turned to me and glared at me, "Don't tell me you fell for stupid Paul Lahote's charm," she hissed at me.

"No, it's not like that, Lisa, I promise," I pleaded.

"Uh-huh, then why won't you break his heart?" she growled at me.

I groaned, "Because he's kind of become one of my best friends, and I don't want to hurt him, I've felt guilty for months, and I know he cares about me Lisa, he became my best friend because he knows I'm not interested, I've spent so much time with him for this stupid bet, that I do care about his feelings Lisa," I told her.

She glared at me, "Obviously more than you care about me, I should have known you wouldn't go through with this for me, you never really cared about me it was ALWAYS Josh, I was always just Josh's sister, and then when he was gone I was James' sister, it didn't matter that I was the one that introduced you to them. I know you're only my friend because you think I 'need' you. I don't and neither does James. You've been playing with him since Josh has died. Josh's own brother….. Fine, don't go through with the bet you and Paul deserve each other," she growled at me.

I looked away from her tears in my eyes, "I can't believe you just went there," I whispered wiping at my eyes.

"It's true, all of it, and you know it!" she growled at me.

"You know I never wanted James to care about me," I whispered.

"No, you never wanted 'James' to care about you…you wanted Josh with a birthmark," she hissed at me.

I gaped at her, she didn't even look sympathetic, I had a feeling she had been holding this in for a while now. Then I said something I knew I would regret, "And Josh would be so proud of you sleeping with all the boys in school becoming a slut," I growled.

She slapped me across the face at that and that's when we started to fight yanking at each other's hair, and you know the total chick fight, and before long we were both sobbing and clinging to each other. "I miss him, so much Ali," she whimpered.

"Me too, Lisa, me too, I'm sorry I ever played, James, I never meant to hurt him, you know that," I whimpered.

"I know, and he knows that too, you were both hurting and used each other," she sobbed.

"I'm sorry, I ever made you feel like you were just their sister, you were my best friend first, I love you," I sobbed harder.

"I'm sorry I haven't acted like your best friend since Josh died," she sobbed.

"I'm sorry I haven't scolded you for not acting like my best friend," I giggle sobbed.

She whacked me at that one and we both started laughing staring at each other. "Why does this bet mean so much to you?" I asked her.

She looked down, "It was stupid," she whispered.

"If it meant something to you, it wasn't stupid," I told her.

She sighed, "The other guys I had sex with…..they didn't act like they cared about me…..when we had sex… Paul never acted like he cared either…except when we had sex. It was so strange Ali…..it was like he was begging for acceptance or something…..kind of like I was…..we used each other I know that….but it was like he was having sex to feel loved…..and I was having sex because my dead brother wasn't there to tell me not to and my other brother just didn't care anymore… It was actually kind of special….. and then he just dumped me just like that….. I mean I know he didn't care….I didn't either…..but then I saw the way he looked at you…he was looking at you the same way he looked at me when we had sex…..except you were just sitting there minding your own business… I wanted to hurt him….hurt him for making me think he understood me and I wanted to hurt you for the stupid emptiness in your eyes…hurt you for being so strong all the time…never falling apart even after the accident…everyone expected you to…and you just didn't. I knew by the way he looked at you that he would fall for you, and I knew that thanks to his green eyes, you would feel something for him, and I just knew that no matter if you went through with the bet or not you'd tell him, and he'd hate you, and maybe for once in your life you'd fall apart," she whispered.

I started crying again, "Lisa, don't you get it? I'm a mess?" I sobbed.

She looked at me shocked, "You think I'm so perfect, right? The perfect girl who just kept her emotions in check, and never made a mistake?" I whispered to her.

She just stared at me her mouth agape, "I still have nightmares, nightmares of seeing his body thrown from the car in the accident, I was there I saw it happen, I saw him jump in front of me and push me in front of James. It should have been me Lisa, and then I drive myself crazy at night. It would have been easier if they found the body, they didn't Lisa…..so I have this insane hope he's alive somewhere walking around with amnesia….it's ridiculous and absurd, and James is the same way. I never went to church camp that summer Lisa… James and I drove around Seattle all summer looking for him, to find nothing. Then one night….." I started sobbing really hard.

"We went to this club…and I got drunk…..and James did too…and we started kissing…..and we went back to the hotel…..and we…." I couldn't even finish I was crying so hard.

"Ali….." she whispered.

"I thought he was Josh…Lisa… I was so drunk I thought he was Josh…..and James didn't stop me…he was hurting and he wanted to get back at Josh for leaving him… we made a mistake Lisa…and that's why he looks at me the way he does…..he was my first…..and it kills him knowing that he took that from his twin's girlfriend… so he tries to right it by fooling himself that he loves me…while he knows…..that I thought he was Josh that night…I kept calling him Josh…. I slept with Josh's brother," I sobbed.

Lisa pulled me into a hug then shocking me. I always thought she would hate me if I told her that. "Ali, it's okay, you were hurting," she started.

"NO! IT WASN'T OKAY! What would Josh say…..what if he is alive, what if James does find him…I couldn't even look at him….." I whispered.

"Ali, Josh wouldn't hate you, remember what he used to say, that no matter what happened you'd find your way back to each other like the waves and the sand right?" she said.

I nodded, "But he's dead, and he can't come back to me, he can't forgive me," I whispered.

"Ali, Josh does forgive you up in heaven, he probably wants to hug you and tell you its okay, you were hurting and in a bad place, he'd want you to be happy," she said.

"But what if he isn't dead like James claims!" I sobbed.

"He's dead, Ali, James is crazy, he talks about seeing a red eyed man pulling Josh into the woods after being thrown, Ali, he's not in his right mind," she said.

"But what if he's not crazy?" I whispered.

"Ali, do you hear yourself?" she asked.

"I'm crazy," I whispered.

She chuckled nodding with a smile, "Which makes you totally not perfect," she told me.

I laughed despite my sobbing, "I've never been perfect, Lisa," I told her.

"I don't know why it took you so long to tell me," she teased.

I smiled hugging her, "I'll go through with the bet, if you want," I told her.

"No, you care about Paul, it's obvious, and I think he has some secrets of his own, you might actually break him, if you break his heart," she told me.

"I doubt that," I said rolling my eyes.

"Ali, you don't see the way he looks at you…" she whispered.

My phone started to ring then and I smiled, "Speak of the devil," I joked remembering we had plans tonight.

"Tell him I kidnapped you tonight," she giggled.

I nodded picking up the phone hugging her still sniffling from all the sobbing. "Ali are you okay?" Paul asked immediately panicked at the sound of sniffling.

"I'm better than okay," I sniffled.

"You're crying!" he accused.

I just laughed, "Lisa and I just had a bit of a fight is all," I told him.

"Want me to punch her for making you cry?" he asked.

I giggled, "Lisa, Paul says he's going to punch you for making me cry," I told her.

She laughed, "Sounds like you two made up," he said and I could hear the unsureness in his voice.

"Yeah, and would you be horribly mad at me if I moved our plans to tomorrow? Lisa wants to have a girls night," I begged.

"Ali," he whined not sounding thrilled.

"Please, Paul, we both need this," I pleaded.

He sighed, "Fine, I'm picking you up at noon though at her house, you better be ready," he told me.

I laughed, "Paul agreed, but is kidnapping me at noon," I told her.

"ONE!" she argued loudly.

"I'll see you at noon, Ali, if she makes you cry again, call me and I'll pick you up," he promised.

I chuckled, "Okay, see you then," I said hanging up before Lisa tackled me into another hug. I had missed my best friend.