It's shorter than before, but it's the inspiration I had. This is mostly thanks to Kyo Akiyamako (here and on Deviantart) for some inspiration from his fanart. So go thank him :P
But this part was inspired by a feeling I get a lot, connected to my deep-seated abandonment fears. I don't do well in empty houses/rooms or to find my parents have gone out shopping or something... Which is really hypocritical, when you consider I NEVER tell people when I leave/where I'm going. There's a little of both boys from that for this part. So enjoy.
This is the part where I deny listening to old boy band music while writing this chapter. Also where I deny parodying a boy band at dance practice today... or for laying the vocal tracks over the weekend FOR our dance. While sick. My voice sounded like such crap lawls. I also won't admit to looking at human-TMNT today, which has nothing to do with anything other than I was cast as Mikey by my mates during break. Gods my legs hurt. And my throat. And... everything. And I stayed up late to finish this chapter instead of getting sleep for work tomorrow. I'm an idiot.
Adelheid: 'Heat' is the short stories I work on when I hit a bit of writer's block for Break Myself. Most of them could easily fit into Break Myself's possible storyline... except the first parts. Whoops.
Ceryni: Both for my readers... and for me. Inspiration is inspiration. And thank you.
KyoAkiyamako: I still love that fanart. Moar plz. :'D
Heat Three
It's always a wrench to his stomach when Percy finds himself alone.
It doesn't matter how tightly he holds to Nico as the dark-haired boy falls asleep in his arms, or how exhausted Percy makes the son of Hades the night before. The mornings when he wakes up and the spot in his bed beside him is cold he feels like he's falling from an insane height again – but he's not sure there's water below to catch himself in.
Sometimes Percy wants to scream at Nico over it. He hates how the boy will randomly disappear with no warning at all. Like when Percy leaves him for fifteen minutes to go take a shower and when he steps out of the steaming room, Nico's gone. Gone like he was never there in the first place.
Would it really be so hard for Nico to wait until Percy was there – mentally or physically – to tell him that he had someplace to go? Or to say something before he dropped off to sleep or stepped out for a bit? Or battle with his dyslexia long enough to write a note down? Percy was willing to fight to read it, and that was saying something.
Although Percy admits to himself it's not so much the leaving part – it's that he doesn't know when he'll see Nico again. The boy had walked back through the door not ten minutes after Percy found himself alone, just long enough for the sting to hurt and the falling feeling to mess with Percy's head. Sometimes he wouldn't see Nico until the next meal or the next activity they had together. The son of Hades would act like nothing was wrong while Percy felt like his whole world had shifted again.
The worst was when Nico would be gone for days – sometimes weeks, without Percy seeing him. He'd just disappear. Percy would wait those ten minutes for him to walk in the door (or sometimes shadow-travel, Nico was just too unpredictable), then wait the hours to the next meal, then the rest of the day to find himself sitting on the edge of his bed or the steps of Nico's cabin. He'd be forced to swallow past the nervous tight flips in his stomach and tell himself Nico wasn't there and he'd just have to wait.
Those times were the worst because he never knew where Nico was or what he was doing, if he was hurt or not… and if he might not be coming back at all.
The day that revelation hit Percy still made him weak in the knees. It had been another typical day at Camp Half-Blood, including the constant falling feeling from Nico's now infamous disappearing act a week before. Camp activities were slowing down for the heat of the mid-afternoon, like the end of Percy's defensive fighting class.
He heard the shrieks of surprise and fear from the other campers first before he heard the thunderous paws. He turned to see Mrs. O'Leary running towards him, her usually shiny coat slick and dirty with grime and blood. She didn't slow down until she almost barreled into Percy himself.
"Mrs. O'Leary!" Percy cried in surprised. "What…"
She crouched in front of him so she was now the height of a horse and whimpered at Percy, her six eyes huge with the most severe puppy look ever. Percy moved to scratch her ear when he saw the lump on her back move.
Horrified, Percy darted over and caught Nico at the same time he recognized him. The boy was a filthy mess of dirt and blood and what looked like monster entrails, burn marks on his skin and scorched clothes.
"Nico!" Percy's strangled cry didn't make the boy open his eyes. "Nico, Nico! What-wh…hold on!"
By the time the other campers pried Nico's small body from Percy's arms and whisked him off to the infirmary, the hot blood on his hands had gone cool. He refused to move from Nico's side, helping to strip his smoldering clothing off and wipe at the mess to find the actual injuries. Cutting away the ruined jacket and jeans was nothing like the sensual dance the two had performed in Percy's cabin the week before. Slowly tugging at Nico's pants as the then-flushed-faced boy pushed him away, Percy had thought he would never be able to see Nico's skin without a flare of heat through his body. But there was no heat now as he stared at the bloody gashes marring Nico's pale skin – paler now with the loss of blood.
Gods, Percy had thought they'd never have another moment together again. They could barely force ambrosia down Nico's throat, the boy was so far gone. Percy refused to leave his side as they bandaged him up and tried to explain he might not wake from this. He still sat there, holding Nico's uninjured hand in both of his with his forehead pressed against their joined fingers. Percy still remembers that as one of the few times he woke up and Nico was still there, even two days later.
Nico had pulled through, of course, spending a solid week in the infirmary. Percy slept there – sitting on a chair until he was certain all the other injured people were asleep before he crawled onto Nico's cot. Nico had silently allowed Percy to hold him, reclined against the older boy's chest, every night. For a blissful week Percy woke with Nico in his arms and basked in their mutual body heat. He wanted Nico here, here where Percy could hold him and protect him.
But that golden week ended too quickly, when as soon as Nico could stand and walk on his own, he got a message from his father to return to the Underworld.
"Don't go," Percy pleaded as he watched Nico struggle into his jeans. As much as he ached to reach for Nico, to stand beside him and give support as he redressed, he wouldn't allow himself to. He didn't want to help Nico leave him again.
"I have to," Nico replied in a voice Percy could never place – a voice that masked whatever the black-haired boy was thinking. "He's my father."
"He should understand then that you're hurt – that you need to recover-"
Nico nearly doubled over in pain and sat back down on the infirmary cot. "See?" Percy asked, exasperated.
"Percy, can you get me some more ambrosia?" Nico gasped out.
Percy didn't even hesitate to respond, just did as Nico asked. He didn't realize until he came back to an empty cot that Nico had distracted him. He wanted to scream as he fell again.
The falling feeling lasts until Nico comes back. Percy's always upset, and usually angry, and so off-balance from falling that he waits until Nico approaches him. Sometimes it takes all day for them to get away from prying eyes of other campers. When they're alone, just the two of them and they can be themselves again, Nico wraps his arms around Percy's waist and buries his face in Percy's chest. Percy feels his body heat and the shuddering of his shoulders as Nico whispers, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"
Then Percy feels the ground rush back to him and he feels stable again, pressing his face into Nico's hair. He feels warm and is just so thankful Nico's back he forgets about being angry with the boy. Sometimes Nico shakes so badly, it's like he's frozen to the core and Percy just holds him and lets him lean for support.
Sometimes Percy's shaking, and Nico holds on tight while Percy just touches him, trying to make sure he's really there.
And Percy's happy, for a little while. Until he finds himself alone and falling again.
After that first time when Percy really realized Nico may not return to stop the falling feeling, Percy thought he was going to burn Nico up. When Nico returned with dirty bandages and the sorriest look on his face, crying into Percy's chest, Percy didn't let him draw back. He had dragged the boy to his cabin, in the early evening.
They had fallen the short distance to Percy's bed together. Percy pulled at Nico's clothes with a desperation he hadn't known before. Nico had obliged, and no amount of pushing away would force Percy to fall back.
That night, the heat of Nico's body almost made Percy forget how cold falling was. Percy pressed himself into Nico, as if trying to occupy the same space so they could never separate and be cold ever again. When Percy woke the next morning and Nico was still there, beneath him and still holding Percy in the most intimate embrace, Percy wasn't sure if he hadn't left because he didn't want to or he couldn't.
Mornings or moments like that, when Nico was still there when Percy came back, were what kept Percy going. What made him endure falling.
Percy dragged himself to his cabin, flopping backwards onto his bed and covering his face with his hands. Even though he felt his bed beneath him, the same bed he had shared with Nico two nights ago, he couldn't find any stability. Just endless falling, feeling weightless all day.
Somehow he found his way back to his feet to get undressed, and collapsed back on the bed. It isn't falling asleep. It's just plain exhaustion from falling all day.
He woke up when he felt the bed shift as Nico slipped in under the covers. He doesn't hesitate to roll over, stretching out an arm to curl around the smaller boy. Nico rested his head on Percy's shoulder and slipped an arm across Percy's chest, and Percy could feel Nico's warmth, wet breath across his collarbone and felt the smaller fingers clench at his side fiercely. Like desperately trying to hang on.
"I'm sorry," Nico murmured.
Percy fought back tears as his opposite arm moved to hold Nico to his side and his hand clutched possessively at Nico's hair, burying his face into the thick dark locks. "I've got you," he whispered, before kissing the crown of Nico's head.
He could sense the water flowing from Nico's eyes more than feel it splash on his chest.
Percy knew that in the morning, he might be alone again. He would be falling again. He knew that Nico was falling too. Nico slipped away before Percy could stop him… because giving in would be too easy. It was less difficult for both of them. Percy didn't know what Nico was doing, and Nico didn't know how much Percy wanted him to stay.
As Nico finally drifted off into sleep, warm and secure snuggled up to Percy's side, Percy reflected on that. They both knew this crazy dance too well, falling through the cold alone when the other was gone.
Nico nuzzled up against Percy's neck as he slept on. But maybe, Percy thought as he tightened his hold on Nico, maybe it was okay to always be falling. As long as a pair of warm arms were waiting to catch you.