Chapter 19

I woke up with a start, hyperventilating. "Hey, hey, it's okay," Paul's familiar voice said gently wrapping an arm around me.

"Josh," I whispered remembering…..closure…..it didn't seem quite right though, something was missing.

"He's gone, Ali," Paul told me softly.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and just started crying, I felt Paul stroking my hair, and holding me to him, as I just cried. Cried for those two years of being broken, cried for Josh who had been just as broken as I had…..who just wanted me to be happy.

"He didn't want me, Paul," I whimpered.

Paul froze, slightly, "He didn't want me, he missed me, he even told me he loved me, but he didn't want me," I sobbed.

"He's a fool, Ali," he whispered.

"No, he's not, how could he want me, I'm b-broken," I whispered my voice breaking on the word broken.

"He wanted what was best for you," he corrected me.

"He just left Paul, he just left, I'll never see him again," I sobbed.

"He left you something, Al, he said to give this to you," Paul whispered holding out an envelope with my name scrawled across the front.

"I'll um go get some ice," Paul said exiting the room as I shakily opened the envelope.

My dearest Ali,

Do you remember that time when we were eight on the beach and you kept racing into the waves squealing from how cold they were? I remember laughing at you, it was so ridiculous you were so small, and I was kind of afraid you'd drown so I ran in after you to protect you. And that was the first time I ever protected you. I promised myself at a mere ten years old, I'd always protect you, even if that meant making you mad at me. And you know what Ali? I still take that job very seriously, even if it means protecting you from myself. I know you're probably pissed at me that I left you right after you just got me back. You probably have already started to blame yourself. Don't. I'll always be with you in your heart, as you will always be with me in mine. I know you love me, just as you know I love you. There was never a doubt in either of our minds that we loved each other, I don't want that to start now, and it's because I love you that I left. I would only hold you back Ali, you have so many dreams, so many dreams that involved me…..that can't ever happen. I'm sorry I became a vampire. It's not something I wanted, I wish every day that I had died in that accident. Especially now seeing you so happy and smiling with him, knowing it would have happened regardless of my death or not. That kind of kills me Ali knowing that all those dreams we had wanted to happen with each other weren't meant to be. But at the same time it makes me happy. I see the way Paul looks at you, Ali. He'll treat you right, I have no doubt in my mind that he will. Sure, sometimes he'll get moody and be a butthole just like I used to be. He may even make you cry, but at the end of the day he'll be there and say I'm sorry. I want you to be happy, Ali. I want you to move on from these fantasies you have that will never happen with us. I'm telling you Ali. They won't. Nothing you will say will convince me otherwise. I want you to stop thinking of the past and start thinking of the future. Heck, I'm looking to the future Ali. It's time to move on. Not just you, but me also. You have someone who would hand you the stars if he could. Take advantage of that. I'm going to find me my soul mate as well, it might take a while considering I'm supposed to live for eternity…..can you imagine Ali spending an eternity with someone… I just hope she won't drive me insane. I know you would have. Try to smile, try to get past the accident, Ali. Let Paul help, he wants you to let him in. I watched you and Lisa make up, Ali, don't keep everything bottled up like you did with her. She needs you Ali, more than you could ever understand. James too, when he gets back to Seattle I'll heal him…..make him forget his insanity and his pain. You'll have him back. You two always had an almost sibling rivalry fighting over who loved me more. I miss those days. You need each other. Well, I probably sound like I'm blabbing. You're probably rolling your eyes oh so sassily at me like you used to. I love you, never doubt that.

Always yours,

Josh

I sniffled tears running down my cheeks as I read the letter. It was everything I needed to hear to just let go. "I love you too," I whispered to nobody.

I sniffled folding the letter back up and placing it in the envelope and putting it in my purse just as Paul came back into the room. "Hey," he said slowly.

I stared at Paul for a moment meeting his kind and loving green eyes that held so many secrets of his own, but as I stared into them, I couldn't help, but smile. Josh was right, it was time to let go of the past and look toward the future.

"Let's go home, Paul," I whispered softly never losing his gaze.