Norway settled into the big red couch he knew Denmark had personally picked out. It was, as one might expect from a couch that fluffy, quite comfortable. He wasn't quite sure if he was ready for this; after all, three teenagers who didn't want to be there would be his biggest adversaries.

Plus, he didn't know how to start.

Wait…where was Faroes?

"Svalbard, where did your elder sister go?"

He pointed to one of the numerous doors Norway's Victorian-style parlor had.

What on Earth was she doing there?

Well, for God's sake, if he was going to be the father his children ought to have, he supposed he should start with her.

But he'd just gotten comfortable.

Oh well. He stood and walked over to the door.

He opened it.

He almost closed it again.

He really hadn't wanted to see his eldest child making out with one of his less-than-close allies.

He brought his hands together sharply. "North Korea, I suggest you leave this house and my country very soon. Or I will be speaking to China about this."

Faeroes jumped and blushed bright red immediately. North Korea took a large step back, but his facial expression did not deviate from his normally expressionless one.

"Yes sir." He brushed past Norway almost insolently.

Once he was gone, Norway took another step into the room and closed the door behind him. "Your siblings shouldn't have to hear this."

"Why not?"

"They don't deserve it. Now look, it is irresponsible of you to-"

"To do what? It's harmless." She rolled her eyes. "And anyway, I've had other boyfriends before."

Norway had not known that. He wondered if Denmark had known, or-

Still, he felt a fatherly urge to lecture her about…well. "There are dangers that go along with having a boyfriend, you know. And I, for one, don't want to be a grandfather anytime soon."

She made a face. "It's not like that."

"Then enlighten me. What is it like?"

"Why do you care? You've never cared before."

"That's certainly not true."

"Even if it was, you're not my real father. You just found me on some god-forsaken beach in the middle of some frozen sea and just decided to take over. You don't have any control over what I do."

"Is this all this is about? Teenage rebellion?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Although, abandonment issues might also come into play."

"Let's make a deal: we'll both explain our actions, and neither of us will get angry until we're both done. Deal?"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine."

Norway nodded. "I'll start." He sat down on one of the couches. "Do you want to sit down?"

She plunked down on one of the couches on the other side of the room. Always being difficult…

But then, what on earth had he expected?

"I've never told this to anyone. Not you, not Danmark, no one. But-"

"You want me to keep it a secret, right?" She looked bored.

"No, I've decided that, once I tell you -and your brother, of course- you may share or keep the information as you see fit."

"Tell me what? That you had an affair with some fairy creature? 'Cause that would explain a lot."

"Um, no. That's not where you came from." He had to fight very hard not to blush. It seemed to be a lost battle. "The truth is, I didn't exactly find you on a beach, per se…"

"I knew it! I'm a goddamn mermaid, aren't I?"

"Watch your language, young lady! And, no, why would think that?"

She shrugged. "It makes sense."

It was at this point Norway's hand starting itching for a mug of coffee. Preferably Irish.

"Look, do you want me to tell you or not?"

"Hey, Old Man, I thought you said neither of us were going to get mad."

He glared at her. Even she could not withstand the power of his glare.

"Fine! Tell your story."

"The truth is that I am not your father."

"No, really?"

"Danmark is."

Shock flared briefly in her eyes, but she hid it just as quickly.

"Let me finish the story, before you say anything else."

She nodded.

Norway took a deep breath.

A/N: I would like you to know that I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL. Not even a little.