The first thing that registered with him was his name. The red scribbling on his wall was faded, but still there, still legible.
He was alive again.
Kenny sat up and grumbled to himself, covering his face in his hands. Death wasn't so bad if he was the one who did it to himself. It still weighed down on his mind, but it was different.
His rumbling stomach brought him from his thoughts and he stood from bed, remember he never ate at all yesterday and swore at himself for forgetting again. It had become a bad habit that unless his stomach was cramping and hurting, he would completely forget to eat. While he raided his kitchen that was also fucking freezing, his mind wandered back to yesterday. What if Craig forgot he had come over at all? He shouldn't have killed himself, god dammit. Now he was afraid Craig would forget about him existing again.
It was fun, it was so fun being over there and being able to forget about the bad things for awhile. Even if Craig did get in trouble, and things got rocky by the end of it, it was still fun before all that shit happened.
Kenny soon found a pop tart before heading back to his room. Their kitchen never was a place of magical assortment, but this would tide him over until he could actually get some money and buy them shit. Karen liked sweets and he needed to remember to buy her some cookies or something next time he was out. Kevin ate anything really, but he remembered he liked pancakes. He just needed money.
All he had in his wallet was five bucks left over last time he went out. That wasn't going to fucking cut it at all. Seriously, he needed to step up his game and start charging to do more to people. Then again, that guy from the other night never even god damn paid him, so he was out by at least a hundred bucks just from that. The thought of that made him angry again, but not enough to lock his door behind him and pull his pants off.
The thought of fucking got him excited. Fucking in general got him off, but sometimes that wasn't enough. He didn't have time to get off the other night because he was-haha, fucking murdered. Before, it made him upset and depressed, but now he was angry about it. Maybe shooting himself in the head fucked with his psyche. He thought he should start shooting himself more often after something like that happened. Maybe it would help him get over it faster.
He dug some lube out of his backpack before he began to masturbate. He used to be able to do it dry, but now that he'd done it so much, it got sore.
It got him off thinking of someone going into him, man or woman. He'd been pegged before and he liked it. He didn't care who fucked him, he liked all of it. Especially if they kissed him or asked to be made out with before actual fucking took place. Kenny was sort of iffy about making out with someone, he would have rather just fucked and gotten it over with, even though he liked the feeling of it, at the same time, it felt a little weird.
But, that in itself was messed up. He liked it when people went into him, so why should kissing be an issue? God, he was fucked up.
He was already hard, thinking about this, and he wanted to come.
Pumping himself made him think, and he hated it when his mind wandered, because he wanted to concentrate, and even then, when he was there pulling on his own dick, it sometimes got too difficult to concentrate. He thought back to not two years ago when he went to school one day and offered to eat out Bebe for twenty bucks. She kind of gave him a surprised look, not a disgusted one like he would figure, and simply told him she was a lesbian to which he muttered, "Okay" and went after someone else.
It was amazing how many people came out that year.
Everyone in elementary school was 'straight', but once high school hit, people started discovering their sexualities and Kenny had never been more confused how some of his friends wound up.
Bebe had had a crush on Wendy forever, but she pined after Stan for the longest time, Kenny figured she would have given up on her, but finally Wendy came out as bi, dumped Stan's loser ass, and she and Bebe had been a couple for about two years. Kenny thought they made a good couple and hadn't realized how much he'd been secretly rooting for Wendy to dump Stan once it had actually happened.
Kyle, Jesus Christ, Kyle. Someone brought up the idea in joke form that Kyle and Stan should fuck and like he'd never even considered it, but like it was the greatest thing ever, Kyle lit up at the thought, and started to make hints toward Stan that he liked him. Stan had such a stick up his ass, he denied he might have liked him back for years, but they were finally official about a year ago, not long after Wendy and Bebe. Although, they were a little more secretive about it.
Kenny didn't know a thing about Butters, just that he followed Cartman around like a puppy and did whatever lowly thing he asked of him. He tried not to think of Cartman, as he had stopped hanging out with him after middle school, but he was still on good terms with Butters and saw him tagging along after him almost all the time.
Ever since he was little though, Kenny had kind of liked everyone. That didn't change, even when he got to high school. Although, he couldn't really be sure how everyone thought of him now, especially since he'd pretty much already flirted with half the school and even offered most everyone in his class sex, for a fee. They either thought he was a gross sexual deviant, or that that was just Kenny. He didn't know or really care.
He could feel himself about to come, even with all the thoughts running through his head, he just had to concentrate. Concentrate. Concentrate. Almost there-
"Kenny?" The sound of his sister's voice followed by a knock almost made him shit himself, and he jumped, surprised as hell and scrambling around for his pants.
"Just a sec." Damn, even his voice was shaky. Fuck, fuck, fuck. His pants were thrown over near his closet and he dove for them, trying to hide his boner when he pulled them up. Fuck, that wasn't going to work. Trying to think fast, he grabbed his parka which was also lying on the floor and tied it around his waist. Whatever, it would have to do. Opening his door, he peeked his head out, trying to hide at the same time. "Y-yeah, what do you need?" God, he was all sweaty and nervous.
Karen didn't seem to notice, thank Jesus. She smiled and said, "Mom is ready to take us to school. She said we have five minutes before she walks out the door."
He tried not to seem like he was shooing her away, but god he really wished she would leave. "Okay, I'll be there in a second." Before she could say anything else, he closed his door, locking it. Holy fuck, he was embarrassed. And frustrated, because now he didn't think he could finish. Okay fuck, fuck, he had to hurry and grab the shit he needed for school, because now he needed to actually go. Maybe he could finish once he got there. He'd masturbated in the bathroom before. It was annoying, but damn.
After grabbing his backpack and a pair of gloves, Kenny met up with his mom and sister at the front of the house, his mom already breaking into a pack of cigarettes. By themselves, his parents were both actually not that bad, but when they were in the same room together, they always ended up fighting. Either about cigarettes, money, alcohol, Kenny couldn't keep count of all the fucking yelling that happened.
"Y'all ready?" said his mom, looking like she hadn't gotten any sleep that night as she lit her cigarette. There were already bags under her eyes.
Both he and his sister nodded and they were out the door. He didn't know where his dad was. Probably kicked out somewhere. Maybe that's why his mom hadn't gotten any sleep. The drive to school was a little awkward since his mom kept blowing smoke out the window, the entire truck smelled like smoke, and Karen kept huddling close to him which made him think dear God, she almost walked in on him playing with himself. She would have if he hadn't locked his door. She didn't seem to have noticed anything out of the ordinary, but it was still embarrassing for him to think about.
All he could think of was 'ugh' when they pulled up to the school. School in general put him in a bad mood, but now it felt even worse. He'd died twice in the past two days, he was falling behind even worse on his work, not that his parents even gave a shit to begin with, but getting back F's all the time made him feel like a dumbass. The most he was worried was what about yesterday?
For the first time in a long, long time, he'd had fun with someone, and he was scared as hell Craig wouldn't remember spending the day with him. People didn't remember his deaths, so what if the entire day was wiped away because he had to be a dipshit and kill himself? It didn't occur to him at the time, because he was so done with everything. Normally, it was just the death people didn't remember, not an entire day, but he was still worried about it.
Karen hugged him bye before she ran off to her locker and he turned the opposite direction, feeling so out of place in the crowds of teenagers. They were all either laughing, chatting with friends, talking about so and so did this and that last night, some status on Facebook, some show that aired, or just rabble he couldn't make out. Every one of these teenagers had their own shit they were dealing with, and Kenny kind of wished he could have been a normal teenager dealing with that too, instead of dying every other day, instead of having the same thought go through his head almost every second of his life that he was immortal.
He liked blending into the crowd of loud ass teenagers, of the rabble. He liked pretending he was part of it, too. Once he reached his locker, someone came up behind him and clapped him on the back, and he became part of the chattering crowds too. "Hey, dude!"
Kyle had gotten glasses not two years ago, but it was still weird as hell seeing him wearing them and now sporting his fro without a hat. It was kind of weird seeing everyone ditch their do in favor of something they felt was more 'cool' or whatever as they got older. Stan came up behind him, wearing a jersey with the number 34 on it and gave him a small wave. Everyone laughed at him because he wound up needing braces like his older sister had and unfortunately for him, was still wearing them.
"Hey, guys."
Kyle's cheerful face turned into a scowl and Kenny knew that meant he was in for a bitching. "You skipped again yesterday."
Ugh. Turning to undo his lock combination and get all the books he needed, Kenny frowned. "Yeah?" Even with his back turned, he could feel Kyle glaring at him. Stan probably didn't give a shit. Kyle's sort of mothering nature could grate on his ever lasting nerves, but he supposed he should be thankful at least one of his friends gave a shit he was even there.
"Well, I mean, we kind of get worried about you when you do that. You've been doing it a lot lately, too. And you don't have a phone where we can text you."
What was he supposed to say? From Kyle's point of view, he was just being a lazy dick about it and complaining about school, because wahh, he didn't want to go, he was too tired or something, but Jesus. He had been murdered that night before, and he just couldn't? But, it's not like they would understand if he told them that. God, this was so fucked up to think about.
Biting his lip, he turned to Kyle with his head held low and avoided eye contact. It took every ounce of willpower for him to say, "I'm sorry" but dammit, he did it anyway.
Kyle glared at him for awhile longer, but finally sighed after pushing his glasses up. "If you're gonna skip, at least give somebody a heads up or something."
"Okay."
The bell rang, making all three of them jump and Stan nabbed Kyle's arm. "Shit, dude, we have to get to class."
"Fuck, okay." Kyle turned to Kenny one last time before Stan dragged him away. "See you at lunch!"
It felt like he was walking through sludge on his way to class and all he could think when he sat down in his desk was 'ugh'. His entire mindset lately had been one giant 'ugh'. His mind already started to wander before the lesson even started and he was daydreaming about stuff. Video games, magazines, porn, and-"Craig Tucker?" The teacher calling the roll.
That fucking snapped him out of his daydreaming and he remembered, oh yeah. Craig was in his History class. Before he stopped himself, he turned around in his desk and there he was, leaned back in his desk looking just as bored as Kenny was. When Kenny turned to look at him though, he looked back, and it made him fucking embarrassed to have turned around in the first place, because he was still freaking out over whether Craig even remembered that yesterday happened at all. He kept telling himself not to be stupid, it was just his deaths people didn't remember, and it would be okay. But now it was kind of gnawing at him, because he couldn't talk to him or ask him, because of fucking class.
The teacher continued to call roll and Kenny's mind was completely gone by that point, when the lesson started and he was supposed to be taking notes and paying attention. How could he?
The last thing that happened between them was bad and Kenny still didn't know how to bring that up. Did he pretend it didn't happen at all, or say he was sorry? That was stupid, everything he thought of was stupid, but he wanted to be on good terms with Craig again, because he'd had fun with him, and he wanted to have fun again. They weren't even friends before yesterday happened, but he'd hoped he could consider them friends now.
The teacher's voice eventually melted into background noise, where he wasn't even hearing the words anymore, just a voice saying nonsense, and Kenny took an opportunity to look behind him again. Craig wasn't seated right behind him, but an aisle of desks over and to the side sort of, so all he had to do was crane his neck to the left and there he was, still fucking staring at him and Kenny felt his insides turn to pudding. Or not, that was a stupid way of saying it. It felt like he was going to have diarrhea. All he could think of when he saw Craig just staring back at him was oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Because, he couldn't fucking tell what that meant. Was Craig pissed at him? Was he just like that and stared at people or-what? Jesus Christ, this was agonizing. He wasn't glaring at him, but after a few seconds, Kenny had to look away again, for fear that it might mean Craig was pissed and staring meant he was going to kill him later. Kenny tried to reason with himself why Craig would be mad at him, but he couldn't help being paranoid as fuck.
Finally, after the bell rang again, Kenny felt like he was going to shit his pants from being nervous the entire class. He didn't know what to say to Craig without being awkward as fuck about it, but he had to say something. Thankfully, Craig decided to come up him first.
"Uh, about yesterday." Kenny didn't want to seem like he was thrilled Craig was talking to him first, but he was fucking thrilled Craig was talking to him first. "Uh, don't like-say anything about that okay?"
Now he was confused. "You mean about skipping?"
He wasn't even irritated at him for being a dumbass about it. "No, just don't say anything about my mom yelling at me."
"Why would I tell anyone that?"
"Well, you kind of hang around dickshits, and I don't know if you guys rip on everyone, so?" It was almost sad how pleading his face looked now, and Kenny felt bad.
"I don't gossip about people. I won't tell anyone."
"Thanks."
He was thrilled. Fucking thrilled Craig hadn't forgotten about yesterday. Thank Jesus God almighty Christ, he was so glad. Even if it ended on a bad note, he didn't fucking care.
They walked together down the hallway, and Kenny was still thrilled, he felt so happy. That diarrhea feeling finally was going away. It was replaced instead by butterflies and he could have choked on it.
Craig hunched his shoulders and Kenny already knew, just from hanging out with him for one day that it meant he was uncomfortable about something. "So uh, I didn't mean to kick you out like that. Dad probably would have yelled about you being there when he got home."
"Dude, it's fine. I get it."
"Okay."
The rest of the day was spent like that, chatting between classes about nonsensical shit. Kenny didn't realize they had so many classes together, because he never really took notice of Craig before, but now that he did, he found himself looking to the back of the room, and thinking holy shit whenever he saw Craig staring at him. It was such a strange feeling, like he wasn't used to happy things. Kenny was used to dying, feeling depressed all the damn time, feeling like he was trying to run in a dream, but something was holding him back, or that he was numb, but now something was finally happy. It was like maybe it wasn't real? Because he'd been in such a shithole for so long, it felt like it would be ripped away from him and he knew eventually the good feeling would go away.
Like so many times, he would be happy for a short time, but he always ended back up in bed, staring at his wall, at his name written in red crayon, and he wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore.
The days turned into weeks. Kenny got up, Kenny went to school, he did his homework, he came home, he would play with Karen sometimes, or with Kevin, and then he went to sleep. Some nights he would go have sex with strangers and get money for it, and he gave Karen lunch money with the prostitute cash he earned. Other nights he would go spend with Craig, and it was so nice having a person be there? They would spend hours and hours playing video games, talking about random shit, hanging out, maybe having a smoke once in awhile, and just being guys and laughing about things.
Some weekends he would spend the entire weekend at his house, and the entire weekend would fly by and sometimes he couldn't remember what they did. They talked, they laughed, they would go eat somewhere and wind up laughing, and it felt so good to laugh, Kenny couldn't remember laughing so much before. Never with Kyle or Stan or Cartman had he ever had such a good time with, had someone given him so much attention and treated him like a person before.
It was right after Christmas, after they had been doing this for a couple of months, when Kenny was heading back to his house and he found himself thinking about Craig. It made him smile and then he would think about him all day. All night. Every time he thought about him, he would smile.
And then.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
He liked him. He fucking liked him.
Kenny stopped walking and caught himself staring at the sidewalk for awhile when he realized this, his face red and hot. He liked him. He liked him.
Oh shit. This wasn't like when he fucked someone. Fucking felt robotic almost, and while he did like to fuck, he didn't have feelings for the people he fucked. He didn't even know their names.
But, oh shit, when he thought about it, really thought about it, he admitted it to himself, and he liked Craig, he liked him, and that would not stop going through his head.
It began to snow on him while he stood on the sidewalk, still staring at a spot on the ground, his face burning, his stomach churning with a feeling he felt embarrassed to even be having in the first place, and all he could say to himself was, "Oh shit."