Craig's parents weren't home when they got there, which surprised Kenny. Perhaps they had been out partying and were still gone? He never took them as the partying type though. Maybe it was some other reason. Kenny didn't know why he bothered thinking about things like this when he should instead be grateful they weren't there to begin with. Craig would have gotten in trouble had he dragged him to his house drunk last night, and he probably would still be in trouble no matter what.
When Kenny thought about it, as they made their way upstairs, he only ever saw Craig's mom yell at him once, when it concerned his sister. But, out of all the times Kenny had been there, he mostly saw him get in trouble with his dad, and ironically, his mom came to his defense most of the time. From what Kenny could tell, it was like his father got off to finding reasons to yell at him.
It was about the dumbest things too. They would be sitting there minding their own business playing Mario Kart, when out of nowhere, Craig's dad would burst into the room and start yelling at him about his messy room. Kenny actually didn't think it was all that messy to him (his dad should see his room), but Craig's shoulder would hunch up, like he always did when he was nervous, and he stayed silent as his dad screamed and yelled at him, with company over no less. At least when his mom yelled at him, she did it out of view of Kenny. His dad didn't care.
As they came to the top of the stairs, Kenny spotted Ruby emerging from her room, rubbing her eyes like she just woke up. She raised her eyebrows at Craig. "Did you just get home or what?"
"None of your business."
"So yes."
Kenny could never tell if they got along poorly or great. From what he could tell, Craig didn't hate his sister, but she seemed to pick on him a lot, like most siblings do. Like maybe Ruby got that Craig didn't really respond well to—anything really.
The first time he came over, he remembered Craig's mom taking him into the hall to yell at him and giving him this long speech about how he made Ruby cry and all this mess, but then he remembered them talking about it later and it turned out even though Craig was supposed to pick her up from school, Ruby wasn't all that emotional about it. Their mom was just really protective of her for some reason and made up a bunch of shit about how he made her cry. Parents were so dumb sometimes. Kenny didn't understand guilt tripping at all.
Ruby ran her hands through her hair and groaned to herself. "Mom and Dad went out to party last night. You didn't happen to see them when you came in, did you?"
So Kenny was right.
Craig shrugged. "Nope."
"Ugh. They're so stupid. You got wasted, didn't you? You look wasted. You better be glad you were lucky enough they decided to go out too. They never go out. Jesus, you dodged a bullet. Go ahead and shower. I'll use the downstairs bathroom."
Staring back and forth between them, Kenny was so confused at their relationship. It looked like they didn't get along a lot of the time, but then things like this happened where they would do nice things for each other.
"Okay." Craig turned back around to him as Ruby walked past them, heading downstairs to do her own thing. "Um. You can wait in my room, I guess. I'll hurry."
"Sure." And Kenny was back in Craig's room again, the smell of cigarettes still in the air. His room always smelled like smoke. It was making Kenny want to smoke a little, honestly, but he opted instead for sitting at Craig's desk (he felt weird being on his bed still), and awkwardly looking around like he hadn't been in his room dozens of times before already.
Blue. Knickknacks. Books. His Wii system surrounded by video games. A DS on the desk next to Kenny. It was blue too. Kenny studied his room, wanting to take in as much detail as possible, and because there wasn't much else to do honestly.
He picked up the DS, popping it open and turning it on. One of the Pokemon games was lodged inside, so Kenny selected Craig's file, surprised he'd picked to play as a girl. His file was named 'Craig', and Kenny didn't know why that made him laugh. The game booted up, colorful pixels and all. Immediately, Kenny opened his menu to see which Pokemon Craig had in his party, biting the blood from his lip when he saw from the start, a bunch of tough-looking Pokemon, all with stupid nicknames like ASSFACE, CUMSLUT, BALLS, BITCHTITS. Kenny was a teenager, after all, so this made him laugh. In fact, he was in tears over it, as stupid as it was. He didn't take Craig as the type of person to do stuff like that, but here it was.
While he waited, Kenny decided to run around in some grass and have a few battles just to have something to do. It never failed, every time one of Craig's Pokemon were sent out and the game said 'Go, CUMSLUT!', Kenny would burst out laughing to himself.
"You having fun?"
Holy shit, Kenny almost peed himself when Craig's voice came from nowhere (well it felt like nowhere at first), and he looked up to see him standing in the middle of his room staring at him.
Kenny almost dropped the DS in a pathetic attempt to make it look like he wasn't touching Craig's things without permission, even though he didn't really know how he felt about having his things touched by other people. "Uhm—it was here on the desk—sorry was I not supposed to touch it?"
"I don't care. You looked like you were having fun. Besides, I haven't touched that thing in years."
"Really?" Kenny looked down at the game like it would magically explain things to him.
"Yeah, I just play Mario Kart now. I haven't played Pokemon since I was…fourteen maybe?"
"Wow." Kenny stared at the DS again as Craig sat down on his bed, no doubt about to boot up his Wii and spend the day playing Mario Kart. Again. This was starting to bug the hell out of Kenny. He knew he already asked him about it at the party, but it still didn't make sense to him. "I don't mean to pry, but…" He trailed off, feeling awkward as yes, Craig was booting up his games to play and was facing away from him.
"You can pry."
"You said you play racing games like that because it's an anxiety thing, right? You said it mellows you out. Why are you so stressed out?"
The TV lit up with the Mario Kart logo and Mario's voice yelled 'Mario Kart Wii!', but Craig picked up his remote and muted the TV before it could go further. He stayed silent for a little too long, and Kenny worried he had asked something he shouldn't, but then Craig finally sighed. "My dad."
Kenny would have understood had he stopped there. He'd been to his house and sat through his dad yelling at him enough to understand how that could stress someone out, but he didn't stop.
"When I got to high school, he was lecturing me about how I needed to do better in school. 'Son, I'm tired of this mopey attitude of yours, you need to stop that shit right now. You need to start bringing home A's or even B's. You need to take school seriously and stop goofing off.' So I did. I studied harder, I tried harder, I brought home the grades. Then when I thought that was good enough, suddenly it wasn't anymore." Craig fiddled with the helm of his T-shirt as he spoke.
Having closed the DS to make the room quiet, Kenny was now leaning forward in the chair, listening.
"I don't know. Then he started pressuring me to get a girlfriend. That I needed one. Somehow, something was wrong if I didn't have a girlfriend. I've been hearing that for years and years. Get a girlfriend, get a girlfriend, get a girlfriend. I can't take it anymore. Just the fact that he's pressured me so much into trying to get with every girl I've ever said two words to has made me reject the idea so much. I don't know why he's doing this. Maybe he's afraid his big manly son will turn out gay. I don't know what to say to him, because I don't know. I hear jokes all the time when I'm around them too, just general gay jokes about how gross it is. And that makes me feel bad too. I don't want to be with any girls, but I don't want to be with boys either. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm saying this to you. I'm sorry."
Speechless, Kenny wanted to say something, but wasn't sure. Craig's face was—he looked close to tears. Kenny had never seen him like this. What was he supposed to say? I'm sorry?
Craig kept talking. "Is that weird to you? I like being with you, though. Even though I say I don't want to be with boys either, it's okay if it's you. I like you. I just." Again, he gripped the helm of his shirt, squeezing until his knuckles were shaking. "Everyone acts like you need sex to survive. When I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe it's my dad's fault, because he's made it out that I need to be with someone in order to be normal. Parents can't do anything right. Why did I end up this way? When you tell someone you don't want to be seen naked, they look at you like you're insane, that you're prude or immature."
"It's okay, though." Maybe it wasn't right for Kenny to say so, because he'd had so many sexual partners in the past. "Everybody is different. There is no normal. If you don't want to be seen naked, then you don't have to. I like hanging out with you too. It's not weird. You might not take what I say seriously because I've been with so many people in the past. I've seen more dick and cunt than you can imagine." It was spilling out of him, Kenny didn't know why. Craig could get him to talk, and he could get Craig to talk. "Sex was always robotic for me. I liked it though. I really did. I can't change that about myself, I do like sex. But, it's like you said, you don't need it to survive, and I'd rather hang out with you than bone random people. I'm not an animal."
"You know, if you want to keep having one night stands with people, I would be okay with that, if that's what you want to do. You do it for money, right?"
Kenny felt like someone just stabbed him in the chest, and he had been stabbed in the chest before, so he knew exactly what it felt like. Before he could stop himself, he was sputtering, "H-how did you know that?" Standing from the chair, the DS fell out of his lap and fell with a dull thump on the carpeted floor. Why did that—shit. Of course. Kenny went around asking for sex before at the high school before he realized maybe it wasn't a good idea that all the students knew he was a prostitute. Sure word would get around and Craig would know. He usually made sure his clients were buzzed strangers stumbling out of night clubs looking for flings. He was perfect for that. "God, I'm stupid. I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid."
Why did this matter? Why was he embarrassed about this? The guy strangling him came to his memory and Kenny could remember the way his hands felt around his neck. No remorse, no feeling. There was a murderer out there somewhere who probably didn't even remember him now. Kenny hated suffocating, hated those deaths so much. They were—he wish the guy would have just shot him, not strangled him slowly and forced Kenny to stare at his face the whole time.
"You're not stupid, don't say that-"
"No, I'm not gonna do that to you. If I go back to that, then I'd be cheating on you, even if you say it's okay, it feels wrong to me. I mean god damn, I would love to suck your dick, but I don't want to do anything like that to you to make you hate me, because I like you too. I mean, you're not a total douchebag to me like some of my 'friends' are, and I just like hanging out with you. I'm sorry." He was rambling because he was nervous. This wasn't something he was used to, so everything was new and awkward. At all costs, he wanted Craig to not hate him for doing something stupid, for knowing something stupid about him, for anything. Maybe he was scared Craig would hate him for knowing he was a prostitute. "There's nothing wrong with not wanting someone to see you naked, or wanting to have sex with someone. If I do something that makes you uncomfortable, then tell me and I'll stop. There's nothing wrong with the way you are, the way you think about things, the way some things make you nervous. I understand it. I really like you, you're like one of the best things to happen to me for a long time, and if I could make you happy, I want to do it. Tell me what the boundaries are, tell me what's okay and what's not." He was still rambling, and couldn't stop himself from saying it.
Maybe saying all of it was stupid. Kenny felt stupid saying it, but he still wanted to have it said, to let Craig know he understood him, and where he was coming from. Having sex with strangers was a way to make money, a way for Kenny to make money anyway, but it felt wrong to do that if he was going to date Craig, to be committed to another person. Maybe that in itself was stupid, or maybe it wasn't. Kenny would rather hang out with Craig at his house than run off with random people he didn't know nor have feelings for just for money.
It was okay though. Kenny never pictured himself ever having feelings for another person. It was okay for it to have happened the way it did, or to not have happened at all. He would have to change some things about himself, like no more proposing people for sex. He could always get a job at the grocery store, as much as he hated the idea of standing behind a cash register, he still needed money. Craig said it was okay to keep doing what he was doing, but Kenny didn't want to.
Maybe the guy strangling him had made him even scared about it, that doing what he did could have consequences, even though he couldn't die. He still didn't want to go through with that again. Kenny's life was full of too much violence, and he just wished for once something good would happen.
And something good did happen. Craig happened. They were friends. He could say they were friends. He could say Craig was his best friend. It gave him joy to see him happy, to do nice things for him. To be liked, Kenny wanted to be liked too. It had been growing inside of him for months and months, this feeling, he knew he liked him for a while, but he was too embarrassed to admit it. He didn't even know why. Maybe because feelings were stupid. But, now he could openly admit it to him.
Before he could start to ramble again, Kenny had moved onto the bed to hug onto Craig. Since he'd just showered, Kenny could smell the shampoo all over him. He smelled like a cupcake. God, what a stupid thought, but he couldn't help it. Kenny would think so many embarrassing things to himself that he would never admit out loud to anyone, himself or Craig. "I don't know what I'm saying. I'm sorry."
Craig's arms wound around him. "No, it's okay. We're both pretty fucked up, aren't we?"
"No, we're normal." He smelled so good. Kenny gripped at him harder, squeezing the sides of his T-shirt, and trying to pull it down to expose his skin. Right there. His shoulder. That cupcake smell was all over him now and Kenny pulled him into him so he could reach his neck where he started kissing him. Craig didn't reject him, but he wasn't going for his pants, he was just kissing him. That was okay. Craig said he was okay with kissing. Kenny was so scared about doing too much, about being rejected again. The more he kissed, the more he thought of that horrified look Craig had given him the night before. He'd been drunk when they made out the first time, so he was tentative with what he did. Slow, making sure everything he did was given an okay by Craig, whether silently or verbal.
Kenny was tired of talking though. At least about this. He regretted asking Craig in the first place and bringing the whole thing up, but maybe it was a good thing. He was trying to concentrate on feeling now, not words.
Craig pulled away suddenly, causing Kenny to panic—did he do something wrong? But he just pulled Kenny's face up to kiss him on the mouth. This felt so weird. Kenny never did things like this with anybody. Was it supposed to feel weird? Craig seemed to know what he was doing, or at least knew what he wanted.
Craig pulled away, looking a little worried himself. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry." Kenny had the overwhelming urge to apologize every second to Craig, for one reason or another. It was always something. It always felt wrong, at least when he did it. He just didn't want to fuck up.
"I already told you that you can kiss me if you want. I don't mind kissing." Then, he smiled again, and Kenny could feel every voice in his head screaming at him about it. Craig never, ever smiled. He could make him smile. He did it. Kenny did it. Kenny was able to put that smile on his face. "Your face is so red."
That probably made his face get even more red, and Kenny looked down at the wrinkles in the blanket. "I'm not used to this."
"Does kissing make you uncomfortable?"
"Um…" Oh shit, he had to think about it. It wasn't so much uncomfortable as it was…what even was it? He liked kissing Craig. Yes, so he did like it. It was just embarrassing. "Not uncomfortable. Just, I think it'll take some getting used to."
"It's funny, isn't it? You've had more sex than you can remember, but you can't kiss your boyfriend without melting into a puddle. I'm all for kissing and I'm too nervous to get naked in front of you. What are we even doing in this relationship?"
Kenny felt bad now. "Don't say that. We can make it work. I want it if you do."
"Can I kiss you again? I like kissing you."
"Yes."
There was another moment where Kenny felt like his entire world was full of that cupcake smell. His mind drifted off and he thought of embarrassing things, like how soft Craig's hair was when he ran his fingers through it. When they kissed again, he was still nervous. He would rather have Craig lead and do what he wanted.
Craig spoke after he'd let off him to breathe. "I'm really glad you're here." He gave Kenny another small session of kisses to his cheek, which made his skin tingle and his stomach fill with butterflies. "Really, really glad you're here." They were on the bed, lying next to each other, talking, having picked up where they left off to play video games. It was back to doing what they always did, being who they were while with each other.
Just best friends having a good time, that's all it was. They enjoyed each other's company.
Craig leaned his head onto Kenny's shoulder after they'd been playing Wii for a while. Kenny had joined in the Mario Kart racing and was in the process of beating Craig's ass. "Thank you for being here," Craig said. His voice had regained a lot of the life it had lost earlier that morning. It was no longer hoarse, he sounded more like himself as the day went on.
Not sure what to say, Kenny let his face get hot, probably red, letting Craig lay his head on his shoulder as they play games. It was comforting, but still embarrassing. Kenny wasn't sure why he was feeling this way still. It would just take some getting used to. He wasn't used to affection. And Craig was very affectionate.
They raced for maybe another hour or more, and chatted idly about nonsensical things, teasing each other, laughing about dumb things, groaning about school starting back in a few days. Then it was already dark outside.
The front door could be heard slamming open from downstairs, causing Kenny to jump from his spot beside Craig. It always embarrassed him to be startled by loud noises, like a dog or something, but Craig paused their game and let out a long sigh. "Parents are home. Maybe you should go home. I'm actually surprised they're back so late. They don't normally go out like this? They must have really partied somewhere."
"Yeah, okay." Kenny was a little sad their time was cut short. He was kind of hoping they could sleep together again, like last night, but that wouldn't be possible. At least for tonight. He'd just have to get creative and organize some—sleepovers? Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny used to have sleepovers all the time, but back when they were kids. Now, he was a teenager, so he felt weird to call it a sleepover.
Fuck it, he would just call it a sleepover, so what? What else could he call it?
"Oh here, you can have this." Leaning off the bed, Craig reached down to the floor and grabbed his DS that was still there from earlier. Kenny had forgotten all about it. The light in the corner had turned off, signifying the battery was dead. Well, damn.
He pushed it away when Craig held it out to him. "No, that's yours. I can't take that."
"I'm giving it to you though? I never ever play it. I haven't touched this thing since I was fourteen. Ruby sometimes plays it, but not enough for her to miss it if I gave it to you. You were having fun with it earlier. Take it. It would just gather dust at my place anyway."
Feeling guilty for some reason, even though it was offered, Kenny opened his hands where the DS was set into his palms. He really did love video games, but never really spent his money on them. He had an old PSP somewhere in his closet, but it sucked so much. There weren't any good games for it. Maybe the exception being Heaven vs Hell. "Thank you." Craig was too nice to him sometimes.
"Oh, you'll need the charger too." Turning to his desk, Craig dug around in the drawer until he fished out the long, tangled cable and pushed that into Kenny's hands too. "You can erase my file or whatever. It's yours now. Have fun with it."
Kenny didn't know what to say. This was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. He could feel his mouth trembling as he smiled, staring at the game and charger in his hands. "Thanks, I-" His voice shook, but thankfully, Craig cut him off with a quick peck on the mouth.
"You're welcome." Craig was smiling again too.
When Kenny left Craig's house, he tried not to make eye contact with his parents as he hurried down the stairs, even though he could feel them staring at him. He knew they were probably questioning why he was always over at their house. Honestly, Craig's mom didn't seem to mind, but his dad. God, his dad, he could feel him glaring at him when he left. What was his beef with him?
Even though it was snowing outside, Kenny's embarrassment kept him nice and warm. Everything was embarrassing, down to his thoughts, what happened, being kissed, he felt hot all over. Why was it embarrassing? He hugged the DS in his arms like someone was trying to take it away from him the entire walk home.
For the first time in a long time, Kenny stayed up all night in his room playing a video game, so lost in his thoughts and what was happening on the tiny little screen in front of him, that he could forget about things like being immortal. Dying all the time. Being sad sometimes. Killing himself. For once, he felt comforted lying in his bed, eyes glued to the screen as he played all night until he couldn't stay awake any longer.