I had to think long and hard about what Rhys' fears should be. I wanted them to vary from silly to bone-chilling just like I think fears do. I hope it came across as genuine, but they will get a lot more intense and graphic. Just be warned, the next chapters will be harsh.
The second stage of initiation started tomorrow and I was spending my last night of freedom with Eric on the roof. We were lying flat on our backs with our legs dangling over the edge of the roof. I missed looking up and seeing the sky and actually seeing the sky instead of the ceilings of the compound, that was another thing that I missed about Amity.
"When I was a kid, my dad and I would lay out in our yard and look up at the stars. He would tell me the names of them and the stories behind them," I told him brushing my pinky against his from where they were lying flat on the rooftop.
"In Erudite you learn the names of them, their location, and how to tell the distance they are away, but you never just looked at them for fun," he replied, hooking his pinky with mine to still its movements. "Tell me about it, I want to know. I never knew there were stories."
He knew that he didn't want to push me too harshly because he knew all of my secrets now. We were going at my pace even with things as simple as his fingers touching mine. I shifted my body until my head was lying on his stomach. He'd really buffed up since we got here, laying on his stomach was almost like lying on the hard rooftop except it moved with his breathing.
He slid his fingers into the loose curls of my hair and rubbed my scalp soothingly. I couldn't believe that he and I had spent so much of our time fighting when we fit together this perfectly. It was almost too perfect to believe; I never knew that I could ever be with a guy without having to worry about him taking advantage of me or hurting me.
"My dad was an Erudite Transfer," I told him, figuring I'd start at the beginning. "He knew all the things you just told me about, but he couldn't get over their beauty. He couldn't just handle looking at them in a book, he wanted to see them up close all the time.
"As soon as I was old enough to start working in the fields, dad started showing me the stars. It got so bad that I would rush through my dinner just to get outside to see them," I finished, hiding my face from him. "That sounds so stupid! I'm in Dauntless, I shouldn't be this weak about old memories."
Eric sat up and pulled me into a sitting position across from him. There was less than an inch between our bodies as he clutched my face in both his hands. His eyes were desperate and his chest was heaving.
"You don't ever have to feel weak around me. I want to know everything about you, even about Amity," he said, holding my gaze. "I want to know the things that make your entire face light up like it just did. I just want you to be happy with me, please."
He was doing the only thing he had left: making himself weak for me. He wanted me to know that I wasn't the only vulnerable person in this relationship. I stood up on my knees to be at his height and pushed our mouths together.
It was fumbly and clumsy in a way that I had no idea either of us could be. We were both such precise people, it was a shock. We'd kissed before, but this was so much more innocent. It was almost like our first kiss, a brush of butterfly wings.
"Tell me about the stars, point out the constellations," he whispered against the skin of my jaw where his lips had journeyed.
I laughed and pushed his head away from the crook of my neck. "Well, lay down so you can see them."
He kissed my forehead before laying back and placing my head back on his stomach. He twisted my hair through his fingers as I pointed out Orion and the Pleiades, Andromeda and Cassiopeia, everything that my dad always showed me.
The next morning we were all instructed to sit in the chairs along a dark hallway with the Dauntless-born Initiates. It was weird, the Dauntless were so rambunctious and loud, the exact opposite of this. I had no idea what to make of what was happening, but the tension in the air was palpable.
"What do you think we're about to do?" Zeke asked, breaking the thick silence. "It's driving me crazy sitting here doing nothing like this."
"We've already done the physical things, that just leaves mental," I said in a fake-blasé tone. "I thought that was obvious, even with your thick skull."
"It looks like you've let your number one rank get to your head, baby!" Lisle said from his chair beside mine.
I punched him as hard as I could in the shoulder and saw him wince. I'd gained more muscle mass than I'd originally realized and I packed more of a punch. I guess training every day and fighting people twice my size had buffed me up, not that I was complaining or anything…
"It's not like anyone can prepare for this stage," Zeke said, rolling his eyes at our antics. "From what I've heard, this is the hardest stage to get through. Most of the initiate dropouts happen during this stage."
"You mean they'd prefer to be Factionless over what's behind that door?" Leo asked in disbelief, staring at the stainless steel door by Kadence's shoulder. "That's terrifying and I'm not afraid to admit it."
"That's the difference between Transfers and Dauntless-born," Ty, a burly guy with a buzz cut, said. "We're not afraid of anything."
"It's funny you say that," Tatum said, materializing out of the darkness to stand beside the aforementioned door. "It's more ironic than funny, but I didn't come from Erudite so I can get a few things wrong."
I knew that was a jab at Eric so I squeezed his hand to keep him cool. I saw the pure annoyance flash across his face, but he stayed put in his seat. Tatum seemed impressed that he was so in control. Little did she know what was really keeping him tame against her teasing, keeping him from flying off the handle.
"Alright, Leo, you're up first," she said before pushing a button and disappearing inside with Leo reluctantly following.
It was twenty-two minutes later according to the large clock hanging a little ways down the hall when Tatum came back out and called T's name. Leo hadn't come back with her, but I figured there was more than one door. They wanted to gain initiates, not kill them.
Our numbers kept dwindling until it was just Elijah, Lisle, and I left in the hallway. We'd all stayed in our original seats so Elijah was up near the door while Lisle and I were at the other end of the hall. I thought about moving, but my nerves were too jumbled to even think about standing up. I was too afraid that my knees would give out and expose nervousness.
I wouldn't say I was happy when Tatum called my name, but I was grateful to finally leave the tense hallway. I followed Tatum past the silver door and felt the whoosh of it closing behind me. There was a metal chair, much like the one from the day of the Choosing Ceremony, the kind that my feet didn't touch the end of because I was so short.
There was a computer screen sitting against the wall and it made me notice how much smaller this room was than the other room. There was also a small table sitting by the reclining chair that had a couple of syringes on it. I felt a chill run through my spine; I've had a huge fear of them since I'd been vaccinated as a child.
"Hey, it's okay," she said as she guided me to the chair. "It's just going to be a simulation, nothing's real. It's all a head game, man."
"What are you talking about?" I asked as my entire body started to feel cold and the room spun a little. "What's all in my head?"
"This simulation is going to teach you how to control your fears," she explained, sitting on the stool beside my chair. "It's basically going to take your worst nightmares and make you live through them, but there's a trick. There's always a way out, you've just got to find it."
I nodded, trying my best to keep my hysteria under wraps. My biggest fear was obviously Wyatt, I had no idea how many others there were. The mere thought made my chest tighten uncomfortably and breathing difficult, but I hid it from her until she hooked me up to the machines. My heartrate was speeding and it made my cheeks burn with shame.
She squeezed my arm again and said, "It's hard, but I promise you'll get through it. You're too stubborn to let this break you, Amity. I can almost promise you that."
She pushed my hair over my shoulder and swiped something cold against my neck. I was so riled up that I jumped and moved my body away from her. I felt stupid when I saw that it was just an antiseptic wipe, then I realized that meant she was going to use a needle on my neck.
Fortunately, the needle was under my skin before I even realized she'd done it. It stung a little bit, but it wasn't life-ruining. She explained how the serum worked, but I was too freaked out to focus on anything other than I had thirty seconds before it took effect.
My eyes close without my consent and when I opened them again, I was back in Amity. I was sitting on the bed of a doctor's office with my mom holding my hand. I couldn't see what I looked like, but the size of my feet told me I was young. The doorknob rattled before it opened and a man walked into the room with us.
He had on a yellow jacket with a red cross stitched onto the lapel: an Amity medic. Everything rushed to me at once then, I was seven years old again and getting my vaccinations. Before I could stop her, my mom pushed me back onto the bed and held me down while the doctor prepped the needle.
They weren't normal needles, they were around foot long and the liquid inside of them was a putrid green color that made my stomach turn do acrobatics. I tried as hard as I could to pull myself out of my mom's grip, but she was a lot stronger than I was.
I felt my breath ripping its way out of my chest as black dots lined my vision. Then I heard Tatum's voice saying there was always some way to beat the hallucinations. I scanned the room quickly and saw that there was a scalpel sitting on the table beside the bed within reaching distance.
I forced myself to calm down, tried my best to convince my mother that I wasn't going to fight the medic. I could've cried in relief when she let go of my arms and stepped back from the table. As soon as I was free, I lunged for the scalpel and didn't think twice before digging it into the medic's side and knocking the syringe out of his hand.
I was jolted out of the simulation to see Tatum smiling at me appreciatively. "I told you that you could handle it, Amity. You were out of that in seven minutes and fifteen seconds, that's almost record time for your initiation class. Congratulations!"
Once I was steady on my feet again, I made my way out to the Pit. I didn't see any other initiates around and it made me wonder what they'd seen. My "fearscape" as Tatum had referred to it, was bad but not life ruining. Had the others' fears been so bad that they couldn't be outside after experiencing them?
I was walking past the training room when I heard the thump of a punching bag and figured that's were T was. He was the first person I would check on and then I'd work my way down the list of my friends.
He had his shirt off and he was drenched in sweat. He was in his own world as he repeatedly connected his fists to the pleather of the bag. His scars were on full display and they covered the entire expanse of his back. They were jagged pink scars along his shoulders and lower back that made me want to kill his father with my own hands for every doing that to him.
"Damn Abnegation, what'd that bag ever do to you?" I shouted, making him freeze and turn around to face me with wild eyes. I immediately stopped joking and asked, "Tobias, what's wrong?"
I made my way over to him quickly and placed my hand on his shoulder. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. I'd never been good at comforting people, I didn't know what to say or do. I always ended up making it worse instead of better.
"I'm afraid of heights," he finally said.
I was expecting some crazy thing to come out of his mouth. Something about his father beating him or him feeling inadequate compared to the other initiates. I wanted to laugh, but at the same time I wanted to comfort him. The smile pulling at the corners of his lips told me that it was okay to laugh.
"It's okay, my fear was being held down and given shots," I told him, sitting down on the floor with my legs crossed and him across from me. "That's terrifying, let me tell you."
"It makes sense, you hate being controlled and defenseless," he said, leaning back on his hands. "I was up on the top of the Hub and I had to cross this thin metal beam to get to the other side because there was a woman screaming for help. I fell three times before I had to stop the simulation because I was too exhausted to go on. Did you make it through yours?"
I felt kind of guilty whenever I nodded my head. "Yeah, Tatum told me that there was always a way to beat them. You just had to look around and calm your heartbeat, everything else would work itself out."
I saw something flash across his face, but he stayed quiet. Until that moment I'd never thought there were secrets between us or that he would lie straight to my face. Yet I knew for sure that he was lying. There was something about his fearscape that he didn't want to share, but I knew better than to pry. He would clam up and never tell me, besides it was his secret until he wanted to share.
"Have you seen Eric or Kadence? I wanted to check on them before going to get something to eat," I said.
"Kadence and Elijah were together when I left the dormitories earlier. I don't know where Eric is," he said flippantly. "I'll meet you in the cafeteria later."
I nodded and stood up, patting his shoulder before I left the training room. I knew there was only a handful of places Eric would be and the Chasm would be the most likely. I made my way towards the roaring water and saw his hulking form leaning against the railing.
"You were in my fearscape," he finally shouted, trying his best to be heard over the rushing water. "You were taken and they were using you to get to me. I saw them blow your brains out and I was running to get to you, but I couldn't move fast enough. It was like I was running through mud, I couldn't get any further than where I already was."
His breathing was fast and his body tenser than I'd ever seen it. He was pissed that he couldn't control the test and he was mad that I was his weakness: he always wanted to be in control. He was mad at me, he was mad that I let him get so invested that I became something that made him vulnerable.
"I'm sorry," I finally forced out. "We can end this if you want, that way you don't have to worry about someone hurting me to get to you or anything."
"Stop fucking doing that! I'm not going to hurt you like he did or leave you," he said, turning his body to face me. "I've never had something that made me weak before, I don't know how to handle it and it manifested itself as fear. It was just my brain's way of coping with something unfamiliar, caring about someone else more than I care about myself."
He sounded so much like an Erudite that I almost missed what he said about me. He said that he cared more about me than he did himself. It was weird, I cared a lot about him but he wasn't the only one. I also cared a lot about T and Kadence and Zeke and Tatum and Lisle and a whole lot of other people.
"I know what it's like to care about people more than yourself, but not until I came here. I just don't want you to think that you have to keep being part of this if you don't want to be anymore," I reassured him, sliding my fingers between his and placing them on the wet stone between our hips. "I just want you to be happy, I like it when you smile."
He pulled his hand out of my grip before standing up shaking his hair out, completely soaking me. I stood up to do the same to him and saw his eyes slide down to my torso. I glanced down and saw that my shirt was sticking to my body very provocatively.
I had only worn a thin t-shit and a sports bra this morning so I didn't have much coverage and it was cold this close to the chasm. My nipples were standing stiff and I immediately crossed my arms over my chest to try and hide them, but I knew it was too late. He'd already gotten an eye full, even if my shirt was black.
"You're making this whole "going slow" thing so hard," he said, his voice was a growl and I felt my knees go weak.
As scary as it was, I forced myself to drop my arms from my chest and walk up to him. I reached up and draped my arms over his shoulders before I said, "It's better to go slow than to not go at all, right?"
I stood on my tiptoes and pulled his mouth down to mine. His hands were gripping my hips like a lifeline as he pulled me impossibly closer. There was no possible way for us to get closer standing up.
"Jump," he growled before pressing harsh kisses along the column of my throat.
I had to bite back my whimper as I followed his instruction. I never took orders, but when Eric growled them out like that, I couldn't imagine not listening. I wanted to be as close to him as I could get right now.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and felt him walking somewhere. My back hit a smooth surface, but I couldn't be bothered with figuring out what it was. One of his hands slid under the fabric of my shirt and gripped my bare skin, searing me to the bone.
I had to pull my mouth away from his to try and get air into my oxygen depleted lungs. He let out an annoyed sound before kissing my jaw and nipping at the skin under my ear. I moaned his name breathily and he started wreaking havoc on that spot.
One of his hands slid down to grip my thigh a little too tightly and I froze. Eric was too lost in the moment to realize what he'd done, but I couldn't think of anything else. I was in the apple orchard and it wasn't Eric anymore.
"Eric," I said breathily as I hit his shoulders. "Eric, stop! STOP!"
He pulled away from me automatically and dropped my feet to the ground. I wrapped my arms around my body and put distance between us. I felt like I was literally an inch tall as hot tears flooded my eyes.
I waited for him to say something, but he just jammed his hands into his pockets. He turned on his heel and stalked away, leaving me alone in the dark. I slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest.
I was never going to get over this. Ever.
I have a plan for this, don't worry just review :)