Once Thorin decided that no one would have to perform watch duty due to the fact that we were barricaded in a bear/man's home, everyone soon settled down.
I found myself a nice bit of straw and soon was asleep; my limbs sprawled in what must have been a pretty awkward sight. I can only imagine Kili's face at seeing my star-fish imitation.
However, my night could not go uninterrupted because I am firstly, extremely unlucky and secondly, I am extremely unlucky.
I was completely asleep when I felt a slight tugging on my hair, causing me to stir. It was only a few hours after the rest of the company had gone to bed and it annoyed me to think someone would wake me after so little sleep.
I had run for days. I deserved to sleep through the night without interruptions, especially those involving either blood-thirsty orcs or mischievous dwarves. Either way, I was not amused.
"Kili, stop…" I murmured, knowing that sometime during the night he had probably settled himself beside me. Why he was tugging my hair in the middle of the night however was beyond me.
He always slept beside me, his arm finding its way over my stomach by the end of the night.
Fili usually slept nearby by at a more respectable distance. The saying, "three's a crowd" tended to pop up when I thought about it and I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of me, Kili and Fili all cuddled together.
Kili would definitely have something to say about the limits of 'brotherly love' if that happened.
The tugging stopped, and I sighed, rolling over. Falling slowly back to sleep, I was almost out when the tugging started again, this time more aggressively.
"Kili…" I warned my voice deadly. Yet the tugging didn't stop, my threat ignored.
The yanking on my hair caused me to groan, throwing my hands up in a way to fight off my late night attacker.
Kili, you better have a death wish… I thought darkly, my hands searching for the source of the tugging.
My hand blindly followed my hair up and to the source, soft hairs scratching at my fingertips. "Kili, you better let go or so help me..." I grumbled, feeling his face.
I never knew his beard had gotten so extensive… I thought casually, my mind trying to figure out why his beard never seemed to end. He must be growing it out.
The soft hair seemed to continue forever and a small frown line started at my brow.
Something isn't right here…
I opened my eyes and peered backwards, trying to find out what I was touching.
Through the dim lighting, I nearly yelped at the sight of two yellow eyes watching me, the pupils oddly slit. I wretched backward and felt my hair pull painfully, forcing me back down.
That's not Kili! What the hell!
The creature seemed to shift under my gaze and moved slightly to the side, the moonlight lighting its back. Waiting for some great hairy beast to emerge from the light, I felt my mouth fall open as a the creature became illuminated.
A goat. A large, red goat.
I watched me with a bored expression and continued to chew on some straw, the golden tints catching the low light.
That's odd…The straw looks almost like…
"Hey!" I hissed, pulling my hair out of the goat's mouth. It clamped down on my hair tighter and eyed me, upset at my reaction. "Let go of my hair!
A goat is eating my hair! A giant, Middle-Earth goat is trying to eat my hair… Come on! Why me?
Pulling on my hair, the goat didn't budge my hair hanging out of its mouth in a slobbery mess.
"Give me my hair…" I cooed, pulling lightly in hopes of soothing the goat. "Here's a good goat, give me my hair…" The goat blinked at me and did one slow chew, taunting me.
My eyes narrowed. So that's how you want to play, huh?
The goat and I stared off.
A part of me wanted to stop and look at the ridiculousness of having a staring contest with a goat but I was too concerned with having hair by the end of the match.
I don't think I would look very good bald on one side of my head…
I gave another pull and the goat took a step back, dragging me with it. With a sharp intake of breath, I struggled not to yell obscenities at the animal.
"Let go, our we will be eating goat in the morning…" I threatened, glaring up at the red goat. It seemed to find this funny and flopped its head from side to side, jarring my head with each motion.
Glaring at the goat, I slowly pulled on my hair once again, trying to force the goat to let go. The goat merely huffed, planting its feet.
"Stupid animal…" I muttered, looking around for help. If this goat wasn't going to give me back my hair, maybe someone could help out.
Kili lay to the one side of me, his hair falling over his face. In other circumstances, I would have smiled at the expression on his face but right now, a goat was trying to make me bald. I could dwell on cute dwarves later.
"Kili!" I hissed, trying not to wake anyone else. I really didn't want this to be a company event. I would never hear the end of it… Gloin and Bofur would have a field day.
"Kili!" I hissed again, nudging him with my foot. He muttered under his breath and rolled over, moving further from me.
I cursed and tried to nudge him again, finding it difficult to do with my hair in a goat's mouth. "Come on Kili! Wake up! Kili!"
Another murmur came from the dark princeling before his breathing settling into a deep snore.
Great…
I huffed and eyed the goat again, its mouth itching to gnaw on my hair. I tried to pull again but the goat merely threw its head to the side, causing me to cry out.
"I'm going to make you into a pelt when I'm done!" I muttered, hoping the goat knew what I was saying. I wasn't making idle threats anymore. If I was bald because of this thing, there would be hell to pay.
And I was not above wearing goat from now on… Maybe make a nice vest…
My gaze settled on another form by Kili, their broad form and fur-lined coat catching my eye.
"Fili!" I hissed, trying the other brother. "Fili, wake up!"
Kili grumbled from where he slept but I noticed the other form shift slightly, turning towards me.
"Fili!" I tried one more time, praying that I wouldn't have to wake the entire company to help me get my hair out of a goat's jaws.
At least if it was a tough animal I would have looked brave… a goat was just plain ridiculous. It just made me look like a complete idiot who fed their hair to a goat.
Fili groaned softly but woke slightly, his voice thick with sleep. "Kris? What do you want?"
I let out a loud sigh and tried to speak quickly, Fili no doubt lingering between being awake and asleep.
"Fili, thank god you're awake… I need your help."
"Help with what? Can't it wait until morning…" I could hear him falling back asleep, his voice lowering ever so slightly. I had to get him to help!
"It can't! Fili I need help!"
I heard a sigh and then some more rustling. "Did Kili do something?" He asked quietly, a yawn permeating the silence that followed.
I paused, taken aback for a second. Did he honestly think I was waking him in the middle of the night to discuss relationship problems? Seriously?
"No! No, it has nothing to do with Kili. I'm…well… my hair is stuck."
I watched the goat out of the side of my eye as I heard Fili shuffle again. I had caught his attention.
"Your hair is stuck. Where?" He ask, his voice incredulous.
I sighed and gave the stubborn goat one more glare. "In a goat's mouth…"
"In what?!"
I looked over and I could see Fili clearly now, his face peering over his brothers shoulder. He squinted a bit and I could see him taking in the scene.
Suddenly, his face broke out into a smile, a real ear-to-ear smile that I generally attributed to his brother. He generally was more reserved, but obviously my peril was much more entertaining than most things. Glad to know I could cheer up someone's day.
Even in the darkness, I could see him struggling to not laugh, my face heating up slowly in response.
I huffed and motioned with one hand to the goat, my other hand holding my hair. "Yah yah, very funny. A goat is eating Kris' hair. Now come over here and help me! I don't want to be bald!"
I could hear him chuckle quietly as he got up, carefully avoiding his brother as he reached my side. Giving me a wide grin, his turned his attention between the goat and I.
"Should I even ask?" He whispered, his grin widening at my leveling stare.
"No, I enjoy having my hair eaten my cloven footed animals. Fili! Please, just get this thing to let go!"
He smirked and turned to the goat, which at this point, seemed wary of the second person. It made a loud baa-ing noise and both Fili and I shushed it, hoping it didn't wake anyone.
Once certain no other dwarf had wakened, Fili moved closer to the goat. Making sure to stay in a crouching position, he held his hand out, as if he had something in it.
"Do you really think that it will fall for the old I've-got-food-in-my hand trick?" I whispered incredulously, knowing this goat to be stubborn and slightly sadistic.
Fili hushed me and continued, holding out his hand.
He made soothing noises to the goat, the goat's fearful look soon relaxed. It watched the tawny dwarf with interest, eyeing his palm.
Suddenly, my hair felt slack, the goat's mouth relaxing. With one quick yank, I pulled my hair from the goat's mouth.
"Ha!" I hissed happily, checking to see if I still had hair attached to my head. I turned to face my soon-to-be vest and found the goat was still focused on Fili's hand.
Fili opened it slowly and showed that there was nothing in it, the goat snorted loudly before turning, obviously not amused at his trick.
"Sorry." Fili apologized to the goat, giving me a small smirk. "But my friend needs her hair."
I still couldn't believe that it only took a small trick to give me back my hair but I shrugged it off, too happy at the moment at the prospect of not looking like female Bruce Willis.
"Serves you right, stupid goat…" I whispered darkly, surveying my damaged hair. It was a slobbery mess, goat salvia dripping off of the knot the goat had created. However, it was still there so that was a small mercy.
"Is your hair alright?" Fili murmured from beside me, coming to sit beside me. I eyed him and noticed the barely contained smirk on his face, his usually controlled exterior cracking slightly.
I huffed and tried to run the fingers through the mess, grimacing at the feeling.
"Should be, though I can tell you I am never letting a goat near me again…"
Fili chuckled and I couldn't help but chuckle quietly beside him, shaking my head at the memory.
"Thank you Fili, I don't know what I would have done without you. You're my hero."
Fili snorted at my sarcastic remark and pretended to take a bow while sitting, quirking his head to the side to see me.
"Always at your service, my Lady."
I smiled at the sound of my old nickname and tried to nod at him imperiously, waving my hand as if it was a common occurrence.
"Thank you… Goat-Whisperer."
"Goat-Whisperer?" Fili laughed, catching himself and lowering his tone. "Is that my name now? Goat-Whisperer? I feel like Goat-Defeater would be a better name."
I hid my grin and nodded solemnly, "No, you shall be from now on known as Goat-Whisperer. Your skill with goats is truly breath-taking. Next time I see a goat, I will point it in your direction."
Fili cocked his head to the side and watched me, his eyes mischievous. "Would this be before or after the goat has eaten all your hair?"
I shoved him and laughed, trying to stay quiet.
Cheeky bugger… Just like Kili…
The room descended into quiet again, just the sounds of snores and my fingers running through my hair filling the house. I caught movement off to the side and noticed that Bilbo was awake, his eyes wide as he looked into his hands.
I frowned as I squinted to get a better look, my breath catching when a soft golden glimmer caught my eye.
The Ring.
I knew he would find the ring, since in the other movies he gave it to Frodo but still… There was the ring… the one thing that would cause so much destruction. I felt Fili turning to look at me and I quickly resumed my combing, not wanting Fili to know what I was looking at.
No one but Bilbo could know about the Ring. If I told anyone… I don't know what might happen.
"Why is it always me?" I asked suddenly to Fili, mostly just to distract him from Bilbo and the Ring. "I bet you have never had your hair almost eaten by a goat. Or been tied to a warg. Or forced to speak Orcish for half a day. Or even falling off a cliff in a goblin cave for that matter!"
I shook my head quickly and finished combing out the mess that was my hair, searching the dim home for a bucket of water to rinse my goat-spit-soaked hair in. I laughed sarcastically and shrugged my shoulders.
"I am probably the most unlucky person in all of Middle-Earth."
I looked over at Fili and found him deep in thought, his smile faded. I felt my smile falter a bit and peered at him, confused.
Did he see the ring? Oh no…
"Fili?"
He seemed to start at looked over, his eyes carefully veiled.
If he was his brother, I mused, I would be able to tell exactly what he was thinking by his eyes. Funny how one brother is more an open-book then the other.
"You never did tell us about what happen after the goblin cave." He stated simply, watching me. "We thought you were dead and the next thing we know, you are running from Azog who we also thought was dead."
I shifted and let out a sigh, happy he wasn't thinking about the Ring. That would not be good. I could deal with my adventures with Azog and the goblin caves. They weren't pleasant but at least then I wasn't changing the storyline or whatever this could be called.
Alternate Reality? Parallel Universe? Insanity? Who knows.
"I guess I never had time." I replied, quickly getting up and carrying a small bucket over from the door.
"Well, since I did just save your life, perhaps you could shed some light on the matter…my Lady."
"Save my life…" I snorted, happy to see Fili's grin back in place. Not knowing what was bothering him made me much too anxious I realized, as he was so much more closed off than Kili. I couldn't source out the problem and I realized with a shock that bother me.
Huh.
"If you really want to know…"
The blonde dwarf nodded and settled back into the straw, his hands behind his head. "I need a dull story to lull me back to sleep." He grinned, peeking up at me. "I think yours should do."
"Should I remind you that your only talent in life is speaking to small-minded farm animals?" I bit back, finishing washing my hair of goat spit.
"Just as yours is to allow these dim-witted creatures eat your hair?" He challenged, causing me to pause.
"Touché, Goat-Whisperer. Touché." I said finally, lying back down next to him and Kili.
Kili still remained completely oblivious to the events, muttering in his sleep and rolling back around, his back now to me.
Fili, on my other side, shook his head, causing the straw to rustling. "I'm not even going to ask what 'too-shay' means." He said the laughter evident in his voice. "I am still trying to puzzle out 'ohmagod'."
I laughed loudly and clamped my hand over my mouth, hoping I didn't wake anyone. Just hearing Fili attempt my slanged version of 'oh my god' was enough to bring tears to my eyes.
Dwarves and English-slang… never gets old.
I calmed myself and looked up at the ceiling, Fili still amused at my outburst.
With a slowly breath, I began to re-created my experience from the underwater lake, to meeting Azog, to waking up on the top of the pillar after the eagles saved us.
Fili listened quietly, allowing me to spin my tale with no interruptions. Every so often I would hear him chuckle, or stiffen, depending on the point of my story but he still listened. I was surprised that he remained quiet even when I explained my experience with Azog and the other orcs but I feel like it was mostly so I could get it off my chest. Even if Fili felt anything, he would keep it to himself for his and my own sake.
Making sure I never raised my voice more than a whisper, Fili shifted closer to hear, his arm brushing mine.
Soon it was Fili talking, his low voice explaining their meeting with the Goblin King and Gandalf's rescue, a story Bofur only explained briefly to me after I had awoke from healing Thorin.
Fili was an apt story teller, easily melding the events together as the moon rose and fell from the sky, neither of us realizing the time.
It was only when a giant man, Beorn himself, entered the home did he find no souls awake in the home, as Kris and Fili were side-by-side, both fast asleep.