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Chapter Five
I keep dragging Finnick along until we reach the bank of elevators; I punch the down button and seethe inwardly.
"Aurie, you about yanked my arm out of the socket," Finnick says, giving me a tiny wink.
"Aren't you furious with him?" I say in a low, rage-filled voice.
"Not. Here," he says through gritted teeth and I nod slightly; someone might be listening.
The journey back to our hotel is uneventful – Corella takes us back in the car and says she will be in touch with us close to the end of the week to find out where we choose to stay for our time in the Capitol unless we choose to let her know earlier. Finnick writes down her phone number; I'm too angry to care about a word coming from her mouth right now.
I wonder briefly if she willingly works for Snow or if he keeps her loyalty by threatening her too. However, she's just another Capitolite – she probably doesn't care what happens to the victors any more than Snow does.
These thoughts fuel my hatred for her, too, so when we arrive back in our room, I yank off one of my shoes and hurl it across the room. The other shoe follows suit. They land with a less than satisfying clunk on the floor one after the other. I can't even get my shoes to leave nasty marks on the wall! I'm truly helpless.
At that realization, I collapse onto the floor and clutch my legs as I begin to dry heave and cry.
Finnick sits down next to me and places his hand on my knee and squeezes it comfortingly.
"I want my mom and dad," I whimper between sobs, sounding about ten instead of seventeen. "No offense, Finnick. I really like you and all, but you're not them."
He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a warm, comforting embrace. "I know. I'd give anything to be back home with my mom, sister and Mags, right now. There's nothing we can do, so we have to make due with each other. And, be honest, Aurie, you could've gotten stuck with someone a lot worse than me."
He winks, so I know he's just kidding, but he still gets a playful shove into his chest. "Yeah, Odair, like who?" I wink right back and then lean back against the wall, gazing at the bathroom door wishing I could just go in there, lock the door and never come out. Of course, that wouldn't solve anything, so I stay where I am and instead look down at my hands.
"Ouch, Cransin, you really know how to hurt a guy," he says, pretending to look injured.
I roll my eyes. "I think you can handle it, Odair. You're seventeen now; you're a grown up." My mouth falls open a bit. "Oh yeah, it's your birthday today! I feel terrible. I should've said something earlier." I shamefully look away from him; I had been thinking of no one except myself.
He shrugs and lets me go, but instead sits down on the floor; I copy him and then he drapes his arm across my shoulder; I lean my head on his shoulder in response. "It's not a big deal, Aurie," he replies softly. "Not a very good birthday, is it?"
"Doesn't mean it was right of me to forget it. I need to get you something!" I say, suddenly determined to make it up to him. If we're in this together and unable to go back home, then Finnick has to have something good come from it. I have no idea what I could possibly do to make up for the misery of earlier today, but I have to try.
I can feel his pulse speed up once I suggest getting him something, which gets me thinking that there is definitely something he'd like from me. Too bad I don't know him well; I have no idea what boys from District 4 normally get on their birthdays.
As I sit there, still keeping my head on Finnick's shoulder, I notice colored bands on the arm resting on his stomach. I lift up that arm to examine them closer and say, "These are really nice. What's the material? Who gave them to you?"
"Mags and my mom. They're made from twine. I used these three," he says pointing to green-blue swirled bands, "as my district token."
"They're so pretty," I say softly. "Want to know what my district token was?" He nods. "A necklace with my family's pictures in it. My mom had helped design it; it's a prototype of a new bit of technology where when you push a button, you get a three dimensional image and they can record a short message to you. The message feature didn't work yet but I could see the images if I wanted. Well, seeing as I never could guarantee that someone wasn't stalking me in the arena, I never looked at the full images, you know? I stuck to the tiny images inside the necklace."
"Sounds nice," he replies thoughtfully. "Did it help you get through the hardest nights?" It's my turn to nod. "Mine helped too. You know something ridiculous? I had been just trying to survive the cold nights, twisting the bands over and over on my wrists, going slightly mad, when I got that trident. I was beyond shocked. Sure, when I gave my interviews, I knew the audience responded more enthusiastically for me, which Caesar made note of."
"I remember that," I say wiry. "He said how he couldn't recall someone ever getting screamed over so loudly. I just thought it was seriously creepy and I think I even said something about how you were only fourteen. Probably said, 'He's my age, Mom.'"
"Yeah, fourteen and yet they still wanted me." He shudders at the memory. "And, oh, how my stylist told me to completely play up this incredibly flirty persona; I couldn't believe they didn't see through it. I was just some kid and yet as far as they were concerned, I was the most gorgeous thing they'd ever seen. Snow made sure to hold it over my head once I won that it was all of my dedicated fans that ensured I received that trident so that I owed them all of my thanks."
I sit upright and look directly at him. "That's what Snow said to me, pretty much, that my fans were the ones who made sure I got my electro cuter and that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. Well, in that case, I wish I was dead."
At that morbid statement, we both grow quiet and I lean back against his shoulder, still at a loss for what to get a seventeen year old boy from District 4 who has everything money could buy.
"Well, fellow victor, shall we order room service and eat so much we practically explode?" Finnick suggests after a lengthy silence. I shrug, because I'm not overly hungry as I'm still distressed over Snow's sentence, but if I know one thing about boys, thanks to having two older brothers, it's that they're always hungry, especially at this age.
I let him do all of the ordering, since my heart's not really in it. My mind keeps drifting back to my dad and the conversation he'd had with me a few days ago worrying about me becoming someone else and how concerned he was with me dancing with those Capitol men. He's going to be furious with me when I tell him that I'm staying in the Capitol for a few weeks and that I have to return here multiple times a year. My mom will just cry about her "baby" being stuck in the strange Capitol, which will just break my heart some more. My brothers will probably yell at me for being a traitor to the district and will accuse me of becoming "one of them". Well, there's nothing I can do about that. No matter what they think, I must keep my mouth shut on the real reason; there's no way Snow is killing my loved ones!
The food arrives a little while later and immediately, Finnick begins to devour various stews, soups and chicken dishes. I eat a small bite of one of the chicken dishes, which has a sweet and sour glaze on it. While it's pretty tasty, as most Capitol food is, the flavor barely registers. Instead, a lump appears in my throat and I run for the bathroom, not wanting to cry in front of Finnick, again.
Once I make it to the bathroom, I shut the door behind me and sit down on the toilet, letting the sobs come out. I feel so pathetic, but it doesn't stop me from crying over my soon-to-be-lost dignity and how disappointed my family will be in me, and how being a victor doesn't feel like I won anything and how truly helpless I am, thanks to Snow. I sob over the thought of some horrible man seeing every single bit of me, the very thought sending waves of terror through me. Isn't sex kind of complicated? I'm not going to know a thing about what I'm doing and if I'm horrible, won't they complain to Snow and if that happens, won't Snow just kill my family anyway?
A knock on the door quiets my sobs momentarily. "Aurie?" I hear Finnick's voice on the other side of the door. "Are you ok?"
"Fine, Finnick," I call out in the shakiest, weakest voice imaginable.
"You don't sound fine," he says. "I'm coming in there in 10 seconds."
I grab some toilet paper and wipe my eyes and blow my nose and sure enough, he bursts inside and rushes over to me.
"Finnick! Seriously, I'm fine," I say in a slightly less shaky voice.
"Bullshit. I have a sister; you look like her on the day her boyfriend of two years broke up with her. She wouldn't stop crying and made me listen to her nonstop as she hashed out detail after detail about what could have possibly gone wrong. That wasn't something any sixteen year old boy wanted to hear all about, but apparently her friends weren't being all that sympathetic. Anyway, sorry." He shakes his head and pulls me off the toilet seat and into his arms. "Want to talk about it?"
I shake my head. "How are you keeping it together, anyway? Aren't you devastated about what's happened to us?"
"I'm scared shitless, Aurie, but after two years of Snow messing with my mind about my age, I kind of suspected something really bad awaited me once I turned sixteen; I did spend time with victors who were clearly up to something, even if I wasn't positive what it was." I give a tiny nod. "I could live in denial all I wanted though, which is what I had been doing. Besides, you have brothers so you know that boys don't cry hysterically when things get bad."
"True."
"Now come on out and eat something. It'll make you feel a little better."
I doubt it, but I let him carry me back to the bed. I gaze into his eyes again, slightly hypnotized by his entrancing sea green eyes and long eyelashes, feeling all of the air escape my lungs and I briefly wonder that if he subconsciously suspected he'd be sentenced to something like this by Snow when he was sixteen (even if he had been living in denial), why he didn't try harder to lose his virginity with someone he actually wanted to. Sure, he says the girls he wanted, girls like me (hmm, just thinking about that again makes my pulse quicken), didn't want him, but I'm sure if he tried harder he could've won them over. I wonder if there's something more to why he's still a virgin than the girls he wanted not wanting him back.
Leaning forward, I peck his lips lightly with mine, and then pull away, my face instantly growing hot. He gets a sideways smile on his face and then kisses me back. However, after just a few seconds, I grow lightheaded and pull away, suddenly wondering what it'd be like to lose my virginity to him. Sure, it's completely mad and there's no way I'd do something so intimate with someone I barely know even if I do like him, but I guess if my friends can all wonder what sex is like, then I guess I can too.
I pull myself out of Finnick's arms and decide to eat some of that food after all. He gently tugs on my arm so I turn back to face him and he says, "Look, Aurie, I just want you to know that I actually like you." I shrug then nod and tell him that I know, very aware of how weird my voice sounds – far too casual as a matter of fact – so he shrugs too and raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to reply.
"Yeah, I like you too, Finnick," I reply; he gets a huge smile after that.
As we eat our food, he keeps sneaking glances at me, randomly smiling too. While I like that a guy I actually like returns the feelings, especially since he is the most gorgeous boy I've ever seen, it makes me feel uneasy. Like he said last night, telling Snow we're in a relationship wouldn't get us out of our sentence. He'd probably tell us it's forbidden. I think back to those people on TV last night sounding so worried that Finnick could possibly be in a relationship.
It's then that I realize how incredibly stupid it would be to develop real feelings for the boy sitting across from me on the bed. I know next to nothing about relationships but if we're supposed to be single and having sex with people who pay for us, how are we supposed to genuinely care about one another? I've seen some relationships fall apart in my school back in District 3 because someone cheated on their boyfriend or girlfriend. Falling for Finnick would just lead to me ending up completely heartbroken.
I don't express any of these thoughts to him; he'd probably just tell me I'm completely overreacting. He'd probably also tell me to calm down with all of these thoughts of us falling for one another, all we have are little crushes on each other, which is basically nothing.
After we finish the food, I tell him that I'm getting him something for his birthday, ignoring his protests of how he doesn't need anything. He says my company is good enough and then winks at me, earning him an eye roll. He retaliates by grabbing me and pulling me close to him and giving me a dramatic over-the-top kiss on my cheek. I pretend to be disgusted and roll my eyes at him once again and tell him to behave or I'll punish him.
"Maybe I'd like it if you punish me," he says and waggles his eyebrows at me.
"Why would you ever like that?" I reply, not sure why he's waggling his eyebrows at me.
He shakes his head and mutters under his breath, "So clueless."
I narrow my eyes at him and we head out of our room.
Once out in the streets, we wave cheerily for those who pass by us and take pictures with anyone who asks for one. Finnick blows admiring girls kisses; he pretends to catch their returned kisses and winks. One girl comes up to him and plants a big kiss right on his lips; he takes it all in stride and gives her a kiss back. Once he sends her on her way, he gives her a huge grin and winks at her too. While that's happening, a few young men come to up and take turns squeezing me tight and telling me how incredibly beautiful and gorgeous I am. One of them grabs my butt briefly, making me jerk uncomfortably. However, knowing that Snow would be angry if I punched the guy in the face, I try to smile as charmingly as I can, even though it makes me feel ill. I glance over at Finnick who's still being flirted with. One girl runs her hand over his arms as he flexes them and gives her a cheesy wink while another girl rubs both of her hands over her chest. Even though it means nothing, I still grow angry and want to slap those girls and tell them to keep their hands to themselves.
"Over here, beautiful," one of the men says. "You're not another Odair admirer, are you?"
"Nah," I reply, "he's just a fellow victor after all."
"Good. So, beautiful, when can I take you on a date?"
Instantly, I feel sweat prickle on my forehead as I fumble around for an appropriate answer. He presses me by asking if I'm single, which I grudgingly admit that I am, so he asks if I have anyone he needs to consult for a date, first. I suggest he talk to Snow because I'm not sure. He laughs loudly, sending shivers of terror down my spine. The way he eyes me makes me feel as though I'm wearing practically nothing. I've never felt so exposed in my life and I'm wearing something I've worn several times back in District 3 (a simple blue t-shirt and dark grey jeans).
A few other men shove him out of the way and begin to harass me about what I think of the Capitol and how long I'm staying here and what I think of being a victor. I answer the best that I can, feeling more uncomfortable by the second. I wish I could run away and never come back. Instead, I smile at all of the men as brightly as I can, trying to sneak glances at Finnick, who's still acting as charming as ever. If I didn't know any better, I'd definitely think he enjoys their attention.
Finally, after what feels like a million years later, the men bothering me and the women surrounding Finnick dissipate and I breathe a sigh of relief and try not to collapse to the ground. He hisses at me to keep it together and not to show a bit of weakness because someone could be recording us right now. I nod and even though I wish I could fall into his arms and stay there until I forget about how those men made me feel as though I was nothing more than an object to be leered at, I know showing any sort of affection in public would just anger Snow; he'd probably kill someone in our families by tonight. I have got to stay strong for their sakes.
We walk to a nearby technology store and I tell him not to look as I buy him the present – the finished version of the token I'd told him about. Now he can look at his family whenever he needs to and they can record sweet messages for him to watch whenever he's feeling particularly lonely. I still have my token but I didn't bring it here; I wish I had! I'd give anything to be able to hug my parents and never let go, too.
Once I buy the present, I have them wrap it up and I take it outside, Finnick following me eagerly. "Well, what did you get me?" he asks, trying to grab the bag, which I yank away from him and tell him to wait patiently. Then I ask if there's anywhere quiet we can go to where I can give it to him. He shrugs and tells me about a small park nearby. Apparently, it's usually pretty deserted because Capitolites don't much care for green spaces.
We soon arrive at the park and I breathe in a sigh of relief; now this is wonderful. I wish District 3 had more green spaces; we have basically nothing. The two of us settle down on a bench and I hand him the present, which he eagerly tears into. Once he sees it he smiles hugely and comments that it's like my token, which I reply, "I know. That's why I bought it. Do you like it?"
He grins. "Love it, Aurie." He gives my knee a quick squeeze, raises his eyebrows at me and winks a bit. I wish we didn't have to worry about being on camera all the time because I'd give him a big hug right now; maybe he'd also hug me.
"Happy birthday, Finnick," I say softly and give him a slight half smile.
The rest of the day progresses much like it had before. We walk around the Capitol, trying to enjoy the fresh air and at various times throughout the day we encounter people who want to take pictures with us as well as grab us in ways that are so inappropriate that all I want is a shower from how dirty they make me feel. Even though I know Finnick's just acting around them, I can't help but wonder if he doesn't enjoy their attention just a little bit. He just seems so at ease with their flirting and groping, plus he always knows exactly what to say to them in reply. I feel about a hundred times more awkward and though I try not to look at him, I find my eyes sliding over to him, which just makes me fume inwardly. I wish there was a way to get them to leave him alone. More than once, the men flirting with me remind me that I'm supposed to be paying attention to them. I try to laugh breathily, which hopefully equals sexy, and give my undivided attention to whomever it is that's talking to me, but I just wish I could be anywhere but in the Capitol. I hate pretending to give a damn about these men whose names I don't even know, nor do I care to know!
Finally, we both lie and say we have an all-important meeting amongst the other victors. The crowd smiles somewhat knowingly, which makes my skin crawl, and we leave, me trying not to run like the wind to get as far from them as possible.
Once we make it inside our hotel, we decide to eat at the cafe on the lower level of the building. When we finish our meals (which we ate in peace) we head back to our room and collapse on top of the bed.
I rest my head on his chest and sigh as I close my eyes.
"Thank you for the birthday present, Aurie," he says. "I really did love it." He links his fingers through mine and I feel my pulse quicken. Suddenly, despite how tired I am, I really want to kiss him.
Instead, I say, "Glad you liked it; I thought you would." I close my eyes and stay there, feeling his chest gently rise and fall as he breathes; I keep my fingers linked with his.
I awaken sometime later and sit up, glancing at the clock which reads 11:23. Glancing back at Finnick, who continues to lay there looking peaceful like an angel, I get up and go into the bathroom to use the toilet. Once I emerge, I lean against the wall, trying not to let myself fall into despair again. Either some horrible vision from the Games will come back or I'll become overwhelmed about the fate that awaits me in a few short days.
"Aurie?" I hear Finnick call out softly.
I round the corner. "Yeah, what is it, Finnick?"
"Are you ok? Any nightmares?" I shrug and he says, "Well, that's good." He pulls himself up to his pillows, slips under the covers, removes his shirt and waits for me to rejoin him.
"I need to change into something more comfortable," I tell him as I grab the comfortable shirt and shorts I wore last night. "So, no looking, ok, Odair?"
"I'll be good," he replies, a hint of a smile creeping on his face as he covers his eyes.
Once I finish changing my clothes, I climb into the bed and fall back into his arms, suddenly aware of the fact that we are sharing a bed together. Not sure why this didn't hit me last night but instantly I feel aware of the fact that though it's really hard to see in the darkness I know Finnick's not wearing a shirt and wow, suddenly, I feel short of breath.
"Relax, Aurie, it'll be ok," he says gently, misjudging my shortness of breath to be me having another panic attack. Oh, if he only knew…
Somehow, despite everything, I do relax slightly and eventually fall back to sleep.
I wake up, hearing something playing softly in the room. Once I'm fully conscious, I see that Finnick has some music playing and after I rub my eyes, I see him standing there in his sleep shorts dancing like a complete fool to the upbeat tune playing. He actually looks like he's about to fall over from how bad his dancing is.
I stifle my laughter by burying my face into the pillow, but eventually I can't stand it any longer, so I look up at him, just as he turns around and faces me.
"Oh!" He looks alarmed. "I thought you were sleeping."
"I was, but wow, that was some entertaining dancing, Odair, you must teach me it sometime."
"Maybe later," he says, growing red in the face, as I giggle harder and harder at how ridiculous he looked. Who knew the sexiest guy in Panem has a guilty pleasure of dancing horribly to cheesy music?
I get up and make my way over to him, grinning hugely and say, "Oh, I think you can teach me right now, Odair."
He shrugs, obviously getting over his embarrassment, then grabs my hand, pulling me closer to him and together, we sway along to the fast paced, repetitive music.
"How can you listen to this junk?" I ask him as I try to dance along to it.
"Well, I guess, after spending time here for the past almost three years, it's grown on me."
"It's very weird and repetitive," I reply. "Nothing like the stuff we listen to in 3; our music has less noise and more heart and soul, but then, what do people here care about music with a soul? It's not as though they have souls."
"Well, I guarantee this music will grow on you, Aurie," Finnick promises and pulls me right up against him; I can actually hear the beating of his heart now, which causes my own heart to race.
I fall into silence and just dance with him, laughing when he acts out a particularly hilarious move, complete with some crazy hip thrusting and butt shaking. It does hit me that the Capitol women would probably enjoy this somewhat suggestive dancing; I don't know how that makes me feel. To distract myself, I ask him when he's calling his family to tell him about staying in the Capitol longer. He replies that they've gotten more or less used to his trips here so he won't have to explain anything to them; it's not as though he can tell them he has to have sex with people who pay for him, after all.
After dancing for a while, I tell him that I'm going to call my parents to tell them I have to stay here; he reminds me that I can't go into any specific details because the phone is sure to be bugged. I nod my assent and make the call; Finnick says he'll leave me in peace and goes into the bathroom to take a shower.
With a pounding heart, I dial the number for my home in Victor's Village. My mom answers on the third ring and breathes a sigh of relief when she hears my voice on the other end.
"How are you, baby?" she asks weakly.
"I'm fine, Mom," I lie through gritted teeth. "I'm calling because I, um, I won't be returning to District 3 for a few weeks. I, will be, uh, staying in the, um…"
"You're staying there?" she gasps out. "What? Why would you stay there? I thought you liked it here."
"I don't really fit in in District 3," I say, stretching the truth. "Kids don't always treat me like a normal person, anymore. People give me a hard time about the fact that I killed other children to stay alive. I don't think people know how to cope with having a victor in 3; it's too uncommon. There are other victors in the Capitol and we know what it's like to go through the experience and we can comfort one another when things are really tough. I'll be home in a few weeks, but I'll probably come back here throughout the year."
"I miss you," she says softly. "I just never want to let you go, not when I thought I had lost you forever when you went to the Games. I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I wish you'd stay here and talk to Beetee and Wiress about it; weren't they your mentors?"
She knows they were; she told me she watched more of the Games last year than any year thanks to having her daughter competing. I make up something about how Beetee and Wiress are too weird to fit in with and at least here there are other young victors to spend time with.
"Like Finnick Odair?" she questions. "Hopefully, you're not planning to spend much time with that boy who won from District 2 last year; he was terrifying looking."
Yuck, I think, hoping I won't have to spend time with Jax, but wonder that since he's the victor to come before me, if I will be forced to. Trying to forget about him, I tell her that I have seen Finnick and that he's actually really nice. I wonder what she'd say if she knew her "baby" had not only kissed Finnick multiple times, but had been sleeping in the same bed as him; I bet she'd be horrified. It's just not the appropriate thing to do in District 3.
I ask Mom if she can tell Dad and my brothers about me staying in the Capitol; I'm too much of a coward to call them right now. I can't bear to listen to them yelling at me being a district traitor. She agrees to tell them about me spending more time in the Capitol but makes me promise to call again; I tell her that I will once I have an apartment here. She says that the boys will want to hear from me.
Sure, Mom, I think sarcastically, but don't contradict her.
She offers a teary good-bye and says how much she will miss me. She begs me to come home soon; I tell her I will and eventually we hang up.
I sigh heavily as I set the phone back on its cradle; not much later, Finnick emerges from the bathroom in a loose fitting deep green t-shirt and black jeans. Combined with his damp hair, I feel my breath actually catch in my throat so I try to cover it up by sighing loudly. He asks me how the call went; I reply that I'd rather not talk about it, so he tells me that the bathroom is free if I'd like to use it for my own shower. I nod and grab the first things I find in my luggage and step inside the bathroom where I'm greeted with a massive puddle of water right by the shower entrance and a couple of towels thrown all over the place. His discarded clothes are sitting in a crumpled pile near the door. I wrinkle my nose at his messiness, so I yank open the door and tell him that he left the bathroom gross.
"Sorry, your highness," he replies and salutes me for good measure as he makes a big show of cleaning up after himself, including throwing his sleep shorts at me.
"Ew, Odair, I don't want these," I say, giggling in spite of myself and throw them back at him.
He laughs too. "Oh, Cransin, you know you do. Don't try to lie; it's no good when it comes to me." He waggles his eyebrows and I chuck a towel at him, missing him as he dashes across the room calling out about how I missed him, missed him, so now I gotta kiss him.
"Riiiight," I say, "as if it is that easy to get me to kiss you."
Catching me off guard, he rushes up to me, grabs me and kisses me on my head. "Well, it sure is easy to kiss you."
"Puh-leez, I let you do it!" I deny; he laughs loudly and calls out how he doesn't believe me.
"Well, I'm going to take a shower, see you in a bit," I reply, laughing despite myself.
Once the hot water hits me after I step into the shower, I think about why it is that Finnick affects me so much. I decide it's because he's actually genuinely funny but at the same time is really serious and also really kind. I keep thinking about how he cuddles with me at night and how he came in the bathroom last night because he knew I was really upset. I genuinely like talking to him, too.
And ok, obviously I find him incredibly gorgeous. And yes, kissing him is actually amazing. If I'm completely honest, I don't think I could ever find some District 3 boy acceptable anymore. While many girls just a year older than me are finding boys they'll plan to marry in the next few years, I can't see myself being one of them, even without Snow's sentence hanging over me.
I sigh as the hot water relaxingly falls over me, wishing that I could take Finnick to District 3 for a proper visit and introduce him to my family, free from Snow watching every move we make; I'd love to go visit his family in District 4, too.
But, in a world where twenty-four young people fight each other to the death in a televised competition, it seems so unrealistic to imagine something like that. Better to not even fantasize about it; it'll never happen.
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I'd love to hear from you if you like this story. Please review and let me know what you like best about it, suggestions on what you'd like to see happen or even something you think could be improved.
Also, within the next month I am going to try to post a prequel to this story from Finnick's POV. It will take place from the 65th Games reaping until he meets Aurie. I'll let you know when I post the first chapter.