Disclaimer: I own neither of either Harry Potter or Percy Jackson or their attaching series, plots, characters, fan bases, or merchandise.

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Chapter 4

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Harry Potter the 40 year old virgin-

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Or Harry Potter, "what do you mean a book lied to me?!"

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Harry rather felt he was finally getting a handle on this show-business thing. Apparently just standing on stage shooting off spells with no real otherwise distinguishable dialog isn't an acceptable practice. You'd think people would just come to appreciate that it was real magic turning them into baby orangutans, but no they wanted it all spelled out for them. They wanted the whole show, spells, and words, and humor, and a story behind everything.

They didn't even understand half of what he was saying. Which was why he wasn't afraid to tell them about Hogwarts and re-enact his childhood adventures. Adventures full of annoying magical creatures, school mates, psychotic teachers, and mortal enemies so great he originally crippled them as an infant.

After a while it just became a story to tell at each show, transfiguring whatever he needed to interact with at the time. Of course then he got his hand on "Easy Spells to Fool Muggles" the third edition by Luca Caruso.

Turns out wizards hadn't really thought much of muggles for a reason. With just a few swipes of their wand they could create a soul sucking illusion of fantasy powerful enough that even the most suspicious or intelligent of the muggles could be convinced it was the truth. Many of these spells were used by aurors when reacting to accidental magic because wizards understood little to anything about muggle culture. To make up for this they would cast the rather simple and low cost illusion spells that would then use the muggle in questions' mind to create whatever illusion the muggle would believe based on the outlying information the wizard gave.

For example once the illusion was cast the wizard need only say then: "this was a terrible accident" or "you must have been seeing things". Something along those lines and the muggles minds would conjure up the most believable scenario and accept it for truth. In a group the illusion would take the most commonly acceptable scenario and play it for truth. A down side to this was that as each muggles mind was different there would be slight variations on what each of them saw. It could be anything from the color of the "uniform" the "officer" was wearing to how many cars they saw parked around them and any combination of the same.

Harry liked this particular illusion spell because it allowed him to create some of his most cherished childhood memories by doing the opposite of the suggested spell usage and making the unbelievable possible. For instance the Hogwarts' ceiling hundreds of floating candles.

You don't think this is hard? Try actually floating hundreds of candles above a vanished ceiling! It's completely wicked! Until you know, you have to then have to memory charm and scourgify the whole screaming audience when they are dripped on by all that hot burning melted wax. Epic fail number one. So Caruso's book was a god send for the poor wizard, thank you very much.

Harry often used this illusion spell and always seemed to end up in an epic combat battle with the same Jackass that had been hounding him for as long as he had been in the colonies. Eddie was only happy because this meant far more money and fame by association for himself. Not that Harry cared at the moment that Eddie was appropriating the lion's share of his profits for himself. This was mostly because Harry had no real concept or understanding of "money" and just how it worked in a world that collected taxes and practically revolved around it.

Harry having grown up first as a poor, abused, and neglected orphan had had no money of his own. Then at the tender age of eleven gained a fortune, in comparison that he had at no time in his growing years. He had never learn about how to manage his finances or for that matter bothered to check on or consult with any knowledgeable or caring higher power about money in general. So long as his expenses were met e.g. the green paper things and metal coin-y bits that he exchanged for other things that was truly all he cared about.

Well that and the simple fact that muggle money wasn't even hard to transfigure or duplicate via magic. So no it wasn't money that concerned him or taxes for that matter, he was happy to leave everything to Eddie in that case. What really bothered him, was the more he was forced to read for his shows. Not that this should be the case because honestly he was rather starved for any magical contact he could get. More it was that thanks to an annoying anonymous critic the more he learned about magic in general that disturbed him.

In fact in one shocking old and decrepit magical tomb he hadn't realized that Hermione had nicked during their trip to the Ministry back in fifth year, (mostly because they hadn't even been on the run yet, and he honestly never would have thought Hermione had started that early) and for that matter wondered why she had never told him. It would have been good knowledge to know. Although this did kind of oddly explain how she knew the door unlocking spell back in first year because it had never been in any of their spell books. Seriously thinking about it now they hadn't even been at school more than a couple months yet when did she have the time or reason to look up how to unlock doors, why would she need to know at that point?

Well it was the quiet smart one's everyone was always told to watch out for, now he knew why. Moving on! The book, right the book. The one that claimed that a witch's magic was tied to her virginity, which was why a witch and wizard had to be married before they could have sex. Because the two were bound in sacred ceremony which allowed the trauma of losing one's virginity with the buffer of commitment or something. The book was in old English and there was no real translating that with his current resources but that his dime store dictionary translator thing allowed him to piece together.

So if he was reading this right it was saying that losing your virginity was a traumatizing experience and could stunt your magic (and was possibly responsible for the creation squibs) if you weren't bound to a partner because it was mentally scaring or something. Now normally Harry would question this, rather he would ask Hermione what she was doing with it in the first place and just how accurate it was. Being that this world was very different from his own and that he was without a Hermione to ask these questions to… Well his only other option was to believe absolutely as he did that Hermione wouldn't just grab a bit of rubbish that was lying around and take all this as the word of Merlin himself.

This oddly explained why so many witches and wizards married directly after their final year at Hogwarts or shortly before they left, despite the startlingly graphic statistics that predicted divorce for those same age groups later in life. Which only cemented the reality of just what he was looking forward too. Abstinence or marriage.

Was he going to be the virgin gross forty year old that parents told their children to stay away from and every college sorority made a bet of? Or was he going to marry the girl of his deviant dreams and have some wicked sinful nights with? Tough choices?

The very next night Harry got down on one knee before his audience as his show ended and proposed to the four females in the front row. The very next morning Harry received a fined for "mock proposing" by the officers representing the state of South Carolina. They really didn't believe him when he said he was serious, mostly because he hadn't even known the names of the women he proposed to.

Harry not one to let something like that stall his forward motion took that incident as a lesson and asked the names of the women he proposed and the ones after them. For some reason no one was taking him seriously. Maybe he needed to work on his approach?

With this in mind Harry ran around and (forced Eddie to) rented every movie he could find on marriage and proposals. He got through two of them (mostly) before he decided he knew enough about them to try it again and returned them all back where (Eddie) found them. Of course maybe he should have asked were Eddie had gotten them from and not just assumed that on this new world every marriage proposal followed the same very pornographic scenario he found in the tapes. Harry could have avoided the next lawsuit if he had.

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The next four years passed much the same as his first, he still wasn't married damn it. Why was it that every single woman that he found particularly attractive was either: married, gay, doesn't think he's serious, calls him a magician when they know he's a wizard, will "think about it", thinking of him like a "little gay brother", just want to be "friends", or are an ancient primordial being that needs to find and or work on themselves first?

Harry was starting to get so desperate at this point he was even considering turning to men. Of course the last man he transfigured into a woman for that purpose had also filed a lawsuit against him, one that Eddie still railed at he about to this day. So maybe he just had to like men? How were you supposed to like men? For that matter outside those pornos how were you supposed to like women? Was there a class somewhere, where you learned these things? There probably was and the Dursley's just made sure he couldn't take it...

Of course like a sign from the heavens above irrupted these thoughts as a lovely dark haired woman took this opportunity to cross the street to walk in front of him. Completely ignored by his sudden rose colored glasses was the toddler at her hip that was already scowling at him for no reason what-so-ever.

Harry disregarding pride and any chances at all for suave and dashingly rouge, ran after her and abruptly grabbed her free hand pulling her to a stop. When she turned to look at him the child nearly burning a very nasty scowl into him Harry abruptly introduced himself.

"Good morning madam, you have quite stolen my heart as you have graced me with your very glorious presence. Might I be so unworthy to know your name?"

For added affect and sincerity (because Eddie had finally got him some better movies) Harry dropped to one knee while still clasping her hand in his as his free hand reached up to rest on his chest above his heart. Her mouth dropped open speechless. She was not the only one most of the rather crowded for New York streets at this time of the morning stopped what they were doing to watch this as well.

The now flustered woman and scowling possibly demonic infant just sort of gaped at him for his audacity. However she seemed to realize that he wasn't moving without an answer and everyone was waiting for her response.

"I-I'm Sally Jackson." Harry smoothly ignored her hesitance, if it had been suspicion this would have been harder but that was her real name you just knew these things after four years of this kind of thing. Harry after all this time knew when a woman was trying to throw him off the pursuit.

"Ms. Jackson, I know you probably hear this all the time, but will you marry me?" She was too out of sorts to lie to him when she sort of exhaled.

"I'm-I'm already married." Not deterred in the slightest, Harry continued.

"Is it serious?"

"I…-what?"

"That doesn't sound very serious, I know a guy in Las Vegas that can have your marriage annulled and marry us this very day." To Harry's dread she started smiling in the middle of his very factual, very serious proposal. If he had bothered to look at the witnesses around him he would have seen many of them snorting or laughing as well. Many definitely smiling as they finally went back to whatever had them up this early and out of the house.

Harry knew from the mirth now shining from her eyes and that smile from many previous and different women just how bad that smile was. She even had the audacity to laugh at him. Good Lord! Everyone was a critic and no one believed him anymore! This had to be a hell world.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh, I just- oh I needed that." She really had a pretty smile and if Harry wasn't mourning his lack of knot tying and what was supposed to come after that, he might have appreciated the way it lightened her features so much more.

"Is that a no?" He asked just to make sure.

"I-" It was at that very moment her demon child reached out for him swinging himself in her arms. Harry barely brought his arms up to catch him expecting the child to fall. Of course he then regret not letting the little bastard fall, when as soon as his hands touched the child, the little monster spewed all over him. The brat somehow managed to get his suddenly projectile vomit all over from Harry's face, to his shirt, to his trousers, all without changing position.

Sally's horrified cry was drowned out by Harry's rather loud internal screaming of horror.

"I'm so sorry. Percy are you ok?" She grabbed the little demon back to her chest checking him over frantically while Harry stood with a sort of wooden preciseness, face frozen in cringe: I've just been puked on, position. His puke covered glasses hiding his clenched eyes as if he expected to suddenly wake up and realize this was all a dream. It wasn't and reality was a rather harsh smack in the face when the stench of sour milk and indefinable baby vomit smell permeated his nostrils.

A quick wave of his suddenly in hand wand vanishes the mess, to Sally's wide-eyed surprise as she takes a step backward, sudden realization in her eyes. She pulls her son closer to her chest, covering him with her arms as though afraid Harry was going to snatch or attack him or possibly turn him into something undefinable but still equally horrible. He didn't, she hadn't refused him after all, or for that matter said she had to "think about it first". He put this rather firmly in the "maybe" pile as far as proposals went, he would have to ask her again when she was feeling more apologetic.

"What a…" Harry paused to think of a word that was far less damaging than 'demonic', "charming child you have there."

"Yes-I-we have to go." With those words she speedily moved away from him.

Was his reputation really that bad? He'd never cursed a toddler before, or at least not one as young as her little spawn of Satan. Not that anyone brought that young of children to his shows anymore. Why was that always coming back to haunt him?

A scream abruptly cut off his well-deserved emo moment as his head raised to seek out the commotion. There on the street in front of him was a woman with snakes for hair making towards his possible future spouse. It was now his obligation to save her! And hopefully win back her good graces, to prove that he was not a child hater everyone must be portraying him as and would therefore make the perfect provider and protector as a husband.

Hey at the very least it was the story of how Harry met Sally.

Oh and hey it was a snake haired lady! Who kind of reminded him of those mythology things from history, you know if one of them and Moldyshorts had a baby that was a girl and had been born with a nose and eyebrows. Which meant that if she took off her sun glasses he was screwed. Unless! Harry abruptly transfigured his own glasses into sunglasses, and abruptly realized what he'd done wrong when he ran into the wall in front of him. He stopped briefly to add his prescription to his glasses before running towards the mass of ugly like the valiant hero he was.

He could speak to snakes, there was no way this could blow up in his face!

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Apollo was a god of many talents and mysteries, being the God of the Sun only a very small piece that made up his whole being. Yes he was that awesome.

He was also very passionate about the theater. Which is why he was the very first gods to become aware of one Harry Potter. Apollo was seventy percent sure the boy wasn't a god, and he didn't smell like a half-blood, but good god! The things he could do with magic were amazing.

Apollo was rather surprised Hecate allowed him to use it. Considering that she had rather harshly stripped magic from the world after some foolish mortal had dared try to separate magic into groups of good and bad. Polluting the gift she had once given so freely. She didn't even allow her own children to use it.

So Harry must have been an off set of herself, a spirit born from magic before the stripping, or something else entirely. Apollo wasn't sure, and he was entertained, so felt no desire to be a whistle blower, yet. That and Apollo didn't really think it would change much of anything, the apparent boy was obviously a few fruit short of a loom.

This didn't stop Apollo from judging the boy based on his performances however. In fact, he had taken to previewing each and every performance Harry gave, because the story he told with each show was fascinating and new. That and the less time he spent in Olympus listening to his father rant about how everyone was against him and it wasn't his fault was dreadfully boring. Nearly anything was better than that.

Attending Harry's shows had become a favorite past time of his. More because the longer it took him to learn the story that Harry weaved the longer the list of his complaints became. One day, a year or so after he began watching, Apollo could hold it in no more and sent (via Hermes) a critique to the wizard anonymously.

It turned out that Harry didn't take critiques well (or at all) if the blistering report Hermes regaled him with later that day said anything. Apollo found this thought so amusing that the next show he sent Harry another one. Personally leaving it in his dressing room and staying hidden to watch when the other found it and read it.

Usually Apollo would be very angry to be cursed out and so blatantly disrespected for his helpful "hints". Enough so that in any other circumstance he would have cursed or killed the individual. However he had never in his life seen someone's face turn that shade of purple before. It was rather hilarious to watch Harry get so upset by his, granted rather insulting, review and commentary. So hilarious in fact that the next show he sent him another and another the show after that. Until it became so fun to try a leave a scathing review and have Harry try and ward him away and out, that the challenge of it had him writing a critique for each and every show that Harry gave.

Apollo got such a kick out of doing this with no consequences what so ever that when one finally came he was struck rather dumb.

It came from the most surprising source too. That night, just before the dawn, as Apollo was hopping into his chariot and raising the sun enjoying the flaming mane on his mares flashing brightly, it happened. One of his mares turned a very bright green- flames and all, before out of that fiery mane a red letter few out and smacked him in the face.

Shocked Apollo pealed the letter from his face to look at it, dumbly he opened the seal intending to read it. Sure as he was that it was from other godly being. Although he was admittedly unsure of which godly being could possibly effect the fire of his mare, which was now back to its usual coloring, as a godly missive it could only be important. The moment he broke the seal however the letter had ideas of its own for it burst from his hands and began, rather shrilly, to curse him out in a familiar voice.

Apollo was too stunned to do anything as the letter spit abuse out at him, before finally blowing a raspberry in face and ripping itself up. If anyone noticed that the sun was a half hour late in rising that morning it was never spoken of, more because there was a very chilling laugh that seemed to echo ghostly the suns path through the sky.

Harry had gained a new fan for life, and his very first real critic. After a while the flashes of green that randomly appeared in the sky became so common place that people claimed it was merely the aurora borealis making a more noticeable appearance. Some things were better left unknown as Harry argued against his critic's abuse and his critic responded ever more annoyingly each time.

For instance creating a missive that would flash blind the reader for several seconds randomly while the note was being read and that compelled the holder to read in full at least once. Or the retaliation for that when another howler was sent in response that had a curse attached to it that had Apollo's clothes appear invisible to everyone but Apollo himself for the next three days.

It began a battle between the bored God of the Sun and the annoyed and frustrated wizard of magic and ended with an epic prank battle royal. Only to be interrupted by a very curious God of Thieves who unknowingly become the face of everything that Harry believed annoyed and frustrated him.

Of course maybe it wasn't Hermes brightest idea to steal Harry's wand either…

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I.D. Big thanks to Joe Lawyer for the corrections and or course to my other wonderful reviewers. I still have no beta-reader, so please feel free to be brutal. Teaser:

Chapter 5

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Hermes vs. Harry

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Hermes, "what do you mean I'm a scapegoat?"