Chapter 3

MADELEINE

My whole body was in pain. Especially my belly hurt, and I had trouble breathing. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest, pushing it with full effort, so that I can't take a deep relaxing breath or yawn. My head was throbbing. I tried to open my eyes, they slowly got open. My vision was blurry for a time, but when it finally cleared out I got very surprised. I wasn't in my bedroom any more.

This room was way bigger; on its white walls not even a picture gave some bright spot. It was all white and plain, just like a Lutheran church. It was full of beds, and I was lying in one of these beds, myself. Firstly I mistook it with the old bedroom at the boarding school I went to, and the great resemblance of the two rooms were just even bigger when I turned my head on the side and saw Marie's white face on the bed next to mine. Just like when we were school girls. I closed my eyes for a bit and remembered back to our childhood. Even though I wasn't too kind to her most of the time, and I really used her as my slave at school, we were real friends. We would often whisper stories to each other after bedtime, and we were grounded for that together after.

I opened my eyes again. Marie was asleep. It would be so good to forget about these past years and go back to school together to start life over. Everything was so good back then.

I imagined that I just graduated from school. Tomorrow we get our final certificates, and we will be heading to home in the afternoon. I invited Marie to my celebration at home, but this boring little chicken said she will have to help her "Maman, sweet". She is really a boring little mouse, and I told it to her too. But the best thing is Charles, that really good looking man will be there. I invited him and he couldn't say no to a girl like me. My smile gave him goose bumps, and, to be honest he did the same thing to me. I planned to make him ask me out on that evening – this or that way, he will be mine.

The table was beautifully set with Mama's china, in the middle of the big dining table was a vase full of white and yellow roses, all the bowls were full of Mama's finest onion soup. I was wearing my finest dress, it was a violet silk dress with white lace, gently allowing the gentlemen to see a bit of my big and well-formed breast, and Mama let me wear her most beautiful necklace. I always wanted to wear it as a child and preteen, I often tried to steal it out from Mama's jewel box. She slapped my hand for that for numerous times. Charles arrived in time; he was dressed in his most elegant evening suit, and smiled at me with that charming smile of his that I can never forget.

For a strange reason, this time I rather wanted to get close to the food instead of Charles. I was hungry. I can't remember if I was so hungry ever in my life. I did not even wait for the others, just put my spoon in the soup, took a spoonful of it and quickly put it in my mouth. I was prepared for it to burn my tongue, but to my surprise, it tasted like air. I took another spoon, feeling desperately hungry, but I couldn't taste this either. I felt a shake on my shoulder and the next moment I heard a voice.

- Madeleine! Madeleine! – it was Marie. No way, don't let her in. She will eat all the onion soup. I felt a shake again and I ….

I opened my eyes. I saw a nun above me. She looked at me with a worried face, and she held smelling salts. It was just a dream, about Charles and me. Of course it was, Charles was dead, for a long time. But I really missed the onion soup…

- Good morning, my girl, God, you slept a lot again.

- Where am I? Where is Mama? Where is the onion soup? – I asked without even taking a breath.

- Oh, you must be still a bit of sick, my dear. That nasty fever doesn't want to go away. The doctor will come shortly.

- Where… am I?

- You are in "Mary's Refuge" hospital, in Deauville, with your friend, Mlle Perrault.

- What is my illness? – I asked with growing panic.

- You had a complicated childbirth and your friend had smoke inhalation and a few burns, but she is better, and thank God, you seem to be better as well.

I don't know how I could forget about my child… I felt so ashamed. I quickly sat up and asked the nun where my baby was. She replied that she hasn't seen any baby with us, only me and Marie were there after Marie brought me in. This news alarmed me a lot. If someone, only Marie knows what has happened to my baby. I stepped out of my bed to the nun's great scare, and shook Marie to wake her up. I was shaking her so wildly that I seemed to be a lunatic.

- Marie! Marie! What has happened to my child?

- Don't get up, lady, we should still be in bed… - I heard a male voice behind my back. The doctor came to examine me. I was so hysterical with worry that they had to give me some laudanum to calm me down and finally put me back to sleep. As the medicine started to kick in, I remember whispering one name I think I've nearly forgotten about:

- Erik… Erik…

ERIK

I slowly crawled away from the road and sat down under a tree near our house that burnt down completely by morning. No firefighters or villagers came to put the flames out on the haunted house that I lived in. They did not even need to fear that the fire will consume their houses – ours was at the side of the village, with no nearby houses. The angry mobs that set our home in fire totally knew what they were doing, and they expected me and my family to burn in it during the night. Only smoke and some black remains of the wall indicated that there once was a building. On the ground there were some pieces of burned wood, paper, ash, and shattered glass all over the place. I was planning to return later when everything cooled off there, searching for something that can be saved for later, maybe not everything was wasted in there. I was thankful that I remembered to pick up my violin when I fled. It was placed in its case, and it lay beside me.

The blue carrycot was placed next to me, on the other side, Sacha was asleep. I think she was tired. I examined her a bit more than I did before; to make sure she wasn't injured anyway. She seemed to be pretty well, only some smuts on her face and the carrycot told the story of her hectic and fearful night. I gently tried to clean them off of her face with my handkerchief. She looked so beautiful with her perfect tiny face, her rosy cheeks and brown hair. Some tiny pieces of glass were next to her face, I threw them out, making sure she won't get injured. I carefully took her out of the basket and placed her in the soft grass to shake some more glass out of her basket, and then put her back in. She did not wake up, thank God. When I covered her up again I noticed some drips of blood on the cloth. I was alarmed and removed the cover from Sacha to see where she was wounded. I could find no blood on her clothes, so I covered her up again.

I checked myself too, and realized that was my blood. The glass that flew in my arm was still there, the shirt in that area was soaked in blood. I finally pulled it out and used the handkerchief to dry the blood off a bit and later to bandage the wound. I had a few minor burns on my hands, arm, knee, shoulder and back, and my mask was burned some places as well. I also had a cut on my left middle finger; perhaps a piece of glass hurt it. I felt a bit of weak still, so I decided to wait there a bit and after I will try to search for my mother and Mlle Perrault. I leaned my back against the tree and closed my eyes. Everything will be fine, in the end.

We were in the afternoon when I finally woke up. I felt better than before, and felt myself ready to leave to the forest. Sacha was looking at me as I leaned close to the carrycot. I picked her up and at the very moment she started crying.

- Oh, Mon Dieu, don't do this, we have to find Mama, we don't have time for that. – I sighed. She was still crying. This time, not even my voice soothed her. Oh, I am selfish, I thought. This tiny thing did not have anything to eat all day and I expect her to be quiet. We had time for my nap; we should have time for her lunch as well.

I found it a cleverer action if I did not bring Sacha with me to find something to eat. With a baby I am more helpless, and some angry villagers might take her, and she would have a nasty end, as they won't have mercy over a monster's sibling. Luckily we had a pacifier in her basket so I put it in her mouth to silence her. She seemed to like it. I carefully placed her under a bush, even threw some leaves at the basket, so it won't be visible to anyone. I checked the place from numerous angles and distances, and as I couldn't see the carrycot, I ran back to the village to find some food.

I was lucky. The Lescots had many children, but the mother had no milk, so they bought milk in the village. I just saw one of the younger ones carrying the milk home in a big pot. The poor thing wasn't too much bigger than the pot itself. I hid in a bush, and as it was getting darker and the kid was afraid enough of the environment, my only job was to rustle with the leaves and make ghost noises. I did not even have to talk. He got scared, dropped the pot and ran as he could.

I carried the milk back to our hiding place and finally fed Sacha. It was hard, as I had to use my hand to give her milk, we did not even have a cup or a spoon, and she was yet too small to handle this. She was either crying or once I got very scared as she started choking. She got better with time and I was careful with her. If I knew where her bottle was, it would be easier. I decided to find it, and as the baby had only a bit of milk for lunch, and we had a lot of leftover, I decided I won't let it go bad and get wasted. I slowly went back to the remains of our house, and passed the black burnt corpse of that old masonic masterpiece, and headed to the backyard. The well there was still intact, it was too far behind the house to have anything bad happening to it. I learned from my mother that the milk we don't use should be kept in a cold place and she put it in the well, numerous times if I did not want to drink it, or if we had many leftovers. I put the pot in the well's bucket and released it down to near the water. It was always cold in there, so at least Sacha will have some milk even if mother is not well enough to feed her.

I slowly went back to the remains of the house, and started searching for at least Sacha's bottle. I did not find it, but there was a china mug, surprisingly intact, just full of dirt and smut. I washed it carefully, and when I found it clean enough I dried it in my shirt. At least I had something to use to feed her. I also picked up some clothes that weren't fully burned, and put them in the bottom of Sacha's baskets. They could be used as diapers. We needed one of them right away.

After I was done with everything, night fell. I sighed. A day was gone and I still did not even go to search for mother. Why didn't they come back here after some time when they realized we were still missing? Why did they leave Sacha with me? Mother hated me so I understand why she didn't want to find me, but why not Sacha?

I slowly lifted the basket up and headed to Roumare forest. Mother and Mlle Perrault were nowhere to find. I was wandering in the forest all night long, but couldn't see anyone there. The dawn hit us near a small river where I was able to take a bath, finally. I even bathed Sacha, but the water was too cold for her, so I just washed the necessary parts and quickly bundled her in her blanket again. To my surprise, she wasn't crying or making a fuss. As long as I was talking to her, she was giggling. She often made an alarmed little gasp when I lifted her up without warning, so I got used to telling her what was going to happen first, and it was all right for her like that.

Actually I found it strange how well I could handle a newborn little burden with me. It didn't irritate me, I found her kind of cute, most of the time. She was beautiful when she was asleep, and she even giggled sometimes, and that was really cute. She reminded me of my poor Sacha, a thing that you had to care a lot about, but it repaid you with sweet moments. I often sang for her and she seemed to like it. She fell asleep to my humming. Her skin was so soft that I found myself unintentionally stroke her face from time to time. To my surprise she didn't cry out in horror from my touch, she would often suck on my thumb instead of hers, and that amused me.

I was walking in the forest with Sacha for days, always returning to the place where I saw mother and Marie for the last time, but they disappeared. I often returned to the house as well, just for the sake of feeding Sacha, but no sign of their presence could have been found. Not a footprint other than mines, not a person, nothing. Up until that night….

I was fed up with searching them in the forest and finally thought I should search them in the village. I was afraid of the villagers, but maybe mother and Mlle Perrault went to Mlle Perrault's house. I knew it will be a hazardous action to just knock on the door, as her old mother lived there as well. For this reason I found the situation highly unlikely, but maybe, as te old lady saw mother did not have me with her, maybe she had heart and gave my sick mother a bed to lay in? I hid Sacha in the usual hiding place and went to the Perrault house and hid in a bush near it to see if I can find Marie. Talking to her won't be a problem, and I will just have to laid her to Sacha's hiding place and gave her to Marie and the family can finally reunite.

I did not imagine myself a part of that family. I was always an outsider, a monster a burden. My only job is to take care of the baby until I can give her back to mother and after, leave the place so they can live happily ever after, just like in those sickeningly sweet fairytales Mlle Perrault used to tell me in my early childhood. I was old enough to take care of myself, and I knew well that I will always have to live on my own.

Marie Perrault did not show up all day, and I knew I had to go back to take care of Sacha. When I left my hiding place I heard an old lady's scream in the window behind me:

- The monster is back! He is still alive! He killed my daughter! Help me!

Windows got wide open as she was screaming. I heard angry villagers yelling behind my back as I was frantically running from them. The noise did not get softer, but louder and louder, more and more people joined to the furious crowd behind my back. I knew I shouldn't run to our hiding place as it would be sure death to Sacha, and maybe for me too. I ran to the other direction, to the north side of the village.

- He stole our milk! My son was right, he did it! – Madame Lescot whined on her crow- like voice.

They were throwing things at me as I was running, stones, sticks and Heaven knows what other objects were hitting my back and head. One of them left a painful wound on my back and I could feel blood dripping all over my back. It must have been some kind of knife as there was a big applause in the crowd. I could feel I was slowing down as my strength was leaving me. My head hurt, I felt dizzy, I was tired and suddenly I fell as my shoe got stuck in a tree's root. I could feel a rough kick on my side and finally, I passed out.

I woke up to cold rain hitting my whole body. My mask was full of dirt as I painfully lifted my head. I felt like each of my bones was broken. Finally I am going to die and this all sufferings were to end. I can't wait. I put my head back in dirt and was waiting for death. I thought my life through, and recalled all my memories. I am not saying I did not have any good memories, but they were nothing to do with my mother. They were either about Mlle Perrault, my music, Sacha…

Sacha… Sa… Oh, my God, Sacha is still under that bush, she will catch a cold and… No. I can't die yet, I have a job to take care of.

I tried to get up. I needed several tries but in the end, I was successful. I slowly staggered into the forest, as I did not find it a clever idea to go through the village to face my fate, and I just hoped the angry mobs did not find Sacha.

It was morning when I finally crawled to that damned bush. I could hear Sacha's hungry moans. It was the most relieving sound to my ears. I grabbed the carrycot with my fingertips and pulled it out from under the bush. I knew it will be too heavy for me in my current state of health so I did not even try to lift it, I just picked Sacha up and bundled her in more blankets. She was wet, the poor thing.

I slowly stood up, and walked on the road with her. I knew I won't be able to search for mother any more. I was yet a child, wounded, hungry and I had a few days old baby to take care of. I knew that if I keep searching for them, most likely both of us will die. It is not a pity if I do, but this innocent little girl should at least be saved and maybe once she meets mother once. I just wanted to keep her safe and save her life, so I left Boscherville with her.

I found a carriage that carried cows, not much further than Boscherville's border. I sneaked on board with Sacha and waited for it to depart. It was heading to Rouen, as it turned to the road that led there, as I could see the sign on the road. I held Sacha close to me, she was asleep most of the time. I put the pacifier in her mouth so she won't cause noise and give away our presence.

When the carriage finally stopped again, I got off, holding my sister. It wasn't easy as I was very tired but I was thankful for the carriage. I went to the nearest house, removed my mask, kissed Sacha on the forehead then put her down on the threshold. I turned around and ran towards the fields as I could.

I don't know how did I do that, but I was running from the house until dawn came. No one noticed me. I was on a big grassy field, and as I turned and looked around, I could see no houses or buildings around me. I was still bleeding and I was so tired that I did not care about anything anymore. I found it as the perfect place to die, so I curled up on the ground and closed my eyes.

MADELEINE

Two weeks had to pass when we were finally discharged from hospital. I was still a bit of weak, but the only thing I cared about was my child. Marie was all better by that time, and I had to hear the details of that horrible night when I was saved from my own burning house. Marie told me that Erik was searching for the baby when she took me out of the house. I was hoping to see them soon, as I knew Erik, despite all of his madness and faults, was very hard to harm. I was sure he was all right somewhere; I was more worried about the baby.

As I reached the house that once was my perfect little home, I burst out in tears. Marie was standing behind my back and put her hands on my shoulders to give support. I slowly fell on my knees, sobbing.

- Erik… Erik dear… - I heard Marie's faint voice calling Erik, but to my biggest shock he didn't show up from anywhere. The place was so plain and empty as the painful silence hurt my ear and Marie's voice seemed to echo through the air.

I lost all hopes to see my children alive…. if I could hug them one more time… if only…