Chapter 4

MADELEINE

I was frantically searching for some signs that would indicate that Erik and my little daughter were still alive. I was looking at every small piece of grass, and I also wanted to go among the wrecks to search for at least their dead bodies. Marie was just standing under a nearby tree. She didn't dare to bother me in my grief. After much looking, I could not find anything and tiredly and frustratedly sat down next to Marie. She held Erik's violin case on her lap.

- Marie…. – I looked at her with surprise – where did you find that? – I knew Erik would never go anywhere without that violin, so if the violin is here, Erik has to be near.

- It was here, under this bush. – she replied sadly.

- What? – I grabbed her shoulder and jumped up. I ran to that bush and saw the baby's carrycot on the other side. I picked it up and hugged it.

- Madeleine, she was in that when I last saw her….

- Do you know what it means, Marie? – I grabbed her hand and pulled her up from the ground- they got out! Do you hear me; they were able to get out! They are alive! They are alive somewhere, come and…. – a sudden new sign silenced me. I saw blood. There were smaller and bigger patches of blood on the ground. They weren't fresh anymore; on their color it was visible that they might be a few hours, or one or two days old. The baby's carrycot had a few bloody fingerprints on it as well; it was clearly Erik's hand that left them there.

Did he kill my daughter? Did he really do that? I stood there, and my hands got so weak I dropped the carrycot. Oh, how I loathed the damned child. What else could have happened?

- If he did that, why would he save her from fire, Madeleine? – Marie looked at me, and I got very surprised that she could read in my thoughts so well. – I know you for decades, Madeleine, I know what you think. – she added simply.

- You might be right. – I sighed. – But then tell me where she is!

- I think we should ask Father Mansart. – Marie took my hand. – He was always good to us; maybe he knows where Erik and little Sacha are.

- Please don't call her Sacha. - I groaned. – When I find them my first action will be to rename her, and talk to Erik about this.

- As you wish, Madeleine. – Marie shook her head and sighed.

When the priest opened the door for us he looked like he saw a ghost. He turned pale for a second but after he regained his strength and quickly invited us in. I was a pitiful sight in my nightgown I was still wearing. As we did not have time to find a dress for me at night, I was taken to the hospital in that nightgown, and was discharged in it too, as I did not have any other clothes. Marie at least wore a normal dress. She fell asleep in the clothes she was wearing.

- Madeleine, my child, I thought you….

- Father, where are my children? – I asked, not even waiting for the priest to finish his sentence. I wasn't this impolite usually, but I was so worried I couldn't help myself.

- You… you don't know about it yet….

- About what? – I gasped.

- Erik… Erik is dead, Madeleine…. he was beaten to death by the villagers…

- What? – I put my hand in front of my mouth and tears were forming in my eyes.

- Last night they found Erik in the village, and took revenge on him…. I was too late… wen I arrived, he was already….

- Where… is his grave? – I swallowed. – I want to visit it…

- I don't know, my child. I wanted to go back to that place after all of them finally went home, to give him the final sacraments and bury him, but his body disappeared by the time I have returned. – the priest bit his lips and wiped a tear out of the corner of his eyes. He didn't cry often at all.

All the three of us stood up and gave a moment of silence to remember him. I was in tears for the mere thought of what the twisted habitants of the village could have done to his lifeless little body. I was crying, hugging Marie's shoulder. She patted my shoulder and back, but did not say a word. I could feel from her body's shaking that she was also crying.

- Requiescat in Pace. – Father Mansart sighed and put his hand on the crucifix on the wall in front of him.

- What… what has happened to my daughter? – I asked, after a few moments of painful silence.

- I haven't seen her around, Madeleine. She wasn't with Erik when he was fleeing, I know it. I have tried to search for her around the village, but I am sorry to say, dear, but there is not much hope she is still alive. – he looked at me with a sad expression and opened his arms in helplessness.

I had to sit down again to avoid fainting. I buried my face in my hands and was weeping for a long time. No one told me not to cry – it was meaningless to ask a mother not to mourn her children. Marie was still sniffing in her handkerchief, sometimes maybe she whispered "Erik dear" but it was so soft one could barely hear it, and I wasn't even sure if it was just the way she took a breath or she really did say something. Father Mansart was just looking around in the room with dark glances, he bit his lips sometimes, he sat down to a chair near the fireplace but after he quickly stood up again, just as the chair has burned him. He walked to the window, and when passing me, I could see some strange look in his eyes. It was like he has been accusing me for what has happened… and he was right.

I saw myself as a really bad mother at that moment, I remembered every bad and cruel sentence I have ever told Erik, and I thought I actually deserved what I got.

Oh God, if you had to teach me a lesson, why did you have to take two innocent beings? If I got them back for only a second I would do everything the good way. I would never make Erik wear a mask… I would never tell those nasty things… never…. never….

- I think you should get a dress, and travel to another place, dear. – Father Mansart put his hand on my shoulder with compassion. Strangely, the accusing look wasn't in his eyes any more. Or could it be that it was just my guilt that made me see it? – You don't anymore have your house here, and the people in this village think you were in the house as well…. it would be a cleverer thing to let them in that belief, don't you think?

I knew well what he meant. If I stay, they will kill me for sure. I wouldn't have minded it though, but really, where should I go in this village? If I stayed alive, maybe it has a reason. Does God maybe have some other plans with me? Did he maybe just save me from Hell? If I died this time, I sure would have gone to Hell for what I have done to Erik.

I heard Marie's angry voice in my head when she slapped me on Erik's fifth Birthday "Well, it's not enough simply to be pretty, do you hear me, Madeleine? It doesn't excuse you from human obligations. It doesn't permit you to poison a child's mind and cripple his soul. You should hang for what you have done to him since he was born ... you should burn!"

Strangely enough, it was Erik that saved me from burning that night. Oh Erik, Erik dear…

Father Mansart was so kind to me that he gave me some money that could serve me for a time in my new life. He told me he did never expect me to return it, and I also got a simple dress to wear. It was black… just like my soul and mood. He wished me luck, and I found myself outside again. The August sun was warm and a light breeze caressed my face, but inside I only felt the coldness of my icy heart.

Marie refused to go home. She told me she was my sister and will help me the best she can. She could not face her mother after what they had done, and to be honest, I think she was afraid of the villagers as well. She was always an outsider since Erik's birth, as she never refused to visit me. She will accompany me to the end of the world, taking care of me. We once more returned to the house, I was trying to follow the blood, but it ended under a tree. There was a bigger spot, but nothing more.

- Come, Madeleine, we should go before they notice us. – Marie took my hand and slowly led me away from the place where my first child spent his last terrible minutes.

- Adieu, Erik. I am sorry. – I whispered, and closed my eyes.

ALBERT BOSWELL

I woke up in the middle of the night. I usually slept well, but this time I heard a strange noise. "I swear it is a baby's cry"- I thought. I jumped out of my bed and ran to the door. It was hard to imagine there could be a baby, as there were no small children in my house, but I couldn't mistake the sound with anything else. When I opened the door and looked down I saw a tiny baby in some dirty blankets, it was soaked to the skin and crying from the top of its lungs.

Poor baby, some heartless "mother" could have put it down here. I quickly lifted it up and hurried back to the house with it, carefully placed it on the table and searched for my lantern to have a better look.

- Madame Bonhumeur! – I called for my old housekeeper while I peeled the dirty blankets off of the child. It was a baby girl, all wet and pitifully tiny. It didn't seem to be too strong. I found it a better option to call the doctor for her to examine her right away.

- Oh, Monsieur, what has happened? – the good old lady asked worriedly as she arrived next to me as fast as she could. She was small and thin, and had her 88th Birthday not so long before this event. She was yet my poor wife's Aunt, the oldest lady in whole Darnéthal. Everyone liked her for her kind heart and caretaking.

- Madame Bonhumeur, I found this poor baby in front of the door, please feed and dry her while I go fetch the doctor. – I quickly put on my boots and cape and left. On my way out I could hear Madame Bonhumeur's surprised and compassionate chatter, and I knew she will take good care of the child until I return.

When I returned with the old but still very nice doctor of our village I saw that the baby was nicely bundled in a big red blanket and the kind old lady was cradling her on her lap.

- Oh – ho, you weren't joking, were you? – Dr. Renard clapped his small fat hands together in excitement. – I thought you were just joking around with me in the middle of the night, it wouldn't be the first time….. – he smiled at me and shook his head. To tell the truth, my friends and I sometimes liked to call him to a non-existent illness, but to our defense, I have to state we only did it when he was playing the violin. He was a terrible violinist, but at the age of 66, he still thought it was worth practicing it all the time. He also was very hardworking; sadly, he was practicing for 3-4 hours, to the biggest displeasure of his neighbors.

- No, Christian, I found her right here, in my door. – I assured him. – Can you take a look at her? Is she healthy?

The doctor picked the baby up and was examining her for a time. He measured her length, weight, looked in her ears, mouth, eyes, nose. The baby did not really like this treatment, and at the end she started crying again.

- She seems to be healthy, but she is very tiny and weak. She is thin. Maybe she arrived earlier than should have. Also, I don't think she was well fed.

- How old is she?

- Very young, actually, might be only a few days old, 1-2 weeks old the most. According to how she looks like I would say her parents are very poor and couldn't raise her, so they decided to get rid of her.

- Poor little angel! – Madame Bonhumeur hugged the baby she was holding.

- What should we do to her? – Christian asked – I know a refuge to orphans in Rouen, or…

- I am planning to take care of her. – I did not wait for the other possible answers, and I was disgusted of the mere thought of orphanages. I was an orphan myself, and knew that children were unhappy and poor in those places.

I was taken to one of those horrible institutions when I was about 3 years old, and grew up there. Everything I had, I worked for with sweat and blood. In all my childhood there was no one to love me, and I did not want this poor child to meet with such a fate. If the Good Caring Lord guided her mother to my door to get rid of the child, I shall do my best to make her feel as happy as possible.

My poor wife, Héléne, passed away 25 years ago when she gave birth to our son, Jean- Pierre. He only lived 2 weeks. The doctor said he wasn't ready for life, and the entire cruel world, without his mother, and he followed her to Heaven.

This baby girl in Madame Bonhumeur's arms suddenly gave meaning to my life. I knew I will give her everything she needed.

- Tomorrow, I go to Rouen with the carriage and a horse and will buy everything that a newborn can need.

- I accompany you. – Christian smiled. – Have you thought of a name for the baby? We can't call her "baby" for her entire life, if you decided to keep her.

I looked at the baby and scratched my head. There was one name I loved always, and I thought, the little girl will like it too:

- Suzanne. Suzanne Boswell.

MADELEINE

I have never thought it was so painful and tiring to go to Paris. I have been to that city many times in my youth, but back then I always had enough money for proper circumstances. But now, Marie and I had only a few francs to save, and most of the time we either had to travel on the least comfortable carriages or coaches possible, or even we had to walk. We had to save money so we could only eat a little. Being late September, it meant that it was raining a lot, and nights turned cooler than in the summer. I lost one of my shoes in a sticky puddle. How I loathed this journey.

Finally, we reached Paris on 24th September. Exactly a month later than Sacha was born… I would gladly call her Sacha if I knew where she was…

I was hungry. Marie rented a room for me in a small inn while she went to search for an apartment in Paris for us. I just sat on the bed for a few hours, crying, but after that my hunger made me go downstairs. Marie left half of the remaining money to me so that I can take care of it. I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I spent the whole money on food in the restaurant. I ate everything I could afford, and soon, I was so full I could not really move. Only then I realized that Marie won't have anything to eat when she returns.

Marie returned late in the afternoon with good news, that she found a room for us. I wanted to tell her what has happened, but I did not dare to, in the end. She only sent a cold glance towards me when she found the brown purse on the end table, flat and empty.

- I hope you had a good meal. – She told me no more, just went to bed.

I spent all night awake, in self-hatred and self-pity. I made a promise in my heart that I will never ever do this to Marie again. In the morning, when I approached Marie, she turned back and looked a few seconds to my pale face.

- A little indigestion, is it? – she asked with a bit of annoyed tone in her voice, but after she didn't wait for my reply – Come, we see the new apartment.

We did not have money for carriage or public transport so we had to walk to reach the very edge of Paris. I understood now, why Marie was so tired when she returned to the inn, she was walking all day long to find a place we can live in. We bought a pair of new shoes for me in a shoe shop in the poorer quarter of Paris, which had very small amounts of goods to pick. My shoes were simple and black, matching with my gown. Marie told me she'd like if I took good care of these shoes as we have no more money to buy shoes every day. I was hurt, but I had to admit she was right.

It was late afternoon when we finally reached a narrow filthy street. I wanted to gasp and burst out in complaints, but a look from Marie silenced me.

I was quite disappointed when we stepped in our apartment I had to share with Marie. It was a very pathetic rat hole, with only one room. It was very far from the city center, had a view to a narrow, filthy street and to another nasty building that looked just like ours.

The room only had two beds, a small table, a chair and a stove in the corner. The walls were white, but because of the apartment's darkness, they looked more like gray. There were old newspapers on the only window, used as curtains. From our bedroom two more rooms were accessible, one of them was the painfully small kitchen, the other was the "bathroom" that had a big curtain on the door to separate it from the bedroom. It only contained a chamber pot and a basin.

I was sure even a cell in prison looked more comfortable and charming. Even though I thought and felt I deserved these conditions, I couldn't resist turning to Marie and ask her:

- Is it the best you could find?

- You seem to forget that we have not much money to be picky about living conditions. – she exhaustedly took a seat on the edge of the bed under the window – especially now that you ate half of the remaining few francs. I am not even sure if you are aware that we will have to work hard to put bread on the table.

- Work? Marie, you don't expect me to scrub floors for money do you? - I startled up from the gray apathy I was sinking in slowly before Marie's dark future plans.

- Why? Did you think that God will feel pity and throws coins at us? Madeleine, you have to stop self- pity and acting like a princess, and should at last make a good use of yourself! Yes, we have to work. We have no other choice but to start a new life, and for that, we have to earn money. I have to work, and you also have to work. If it means we have to scrub floors or sweep the pavement then we will.

- What if I take care of the apartment while you are working? – I interrupted her.

- Of course, we have to take care of the apartment too. But I can't work for the two of us! You have to help. Like it or not, you will have a job that you will like. If you don't want to clean, you could go as a shop assistant, or whatever. It is over, Madeleine, that you just live like a princess and someone spoils you till the end of your life. Tomorrow we will go and search for some job we can take. But now, I am quite tired and I am sure, you are too. – her voice changed at this point, instead of the accusing and cold tone, she changed to a more compassionate and caring intonation – Just go to sleep, Madeleine, everything will be all right. Good night.

She lay down on the bed and turned to face the wall. In a few moments I could hear she was asleep. I envied her. I was indeed very tired but I could not calm down enough to sleep. I quietly took my shoes off and sat on the other bed that was apparently for me. I was staring in the moonlight that got in the room through the newspaper, and was cracking my fingers.

What a terrible mother and person I have been in all my life, and even now, I can't appreciate the little amount of luck I still had. I always wanted more than I had. I had a son, but I wanted more. I had a beautiful home. I had money, I had everything one could need… and still I was unhappy and thankless. The only thing I cared for was my selfish well- being. Maybe God wants to teach me a lesson that I should be thankful and happy for whatever I have, because I can easily lose everything, as I just lost everything I had.

I will try my best to learn from my mistakes, to turn out to be a better person. I closed my eyes and was thinking about how I can do it. How could I help the helpless, and think less of myself? Not much later I happily jumped out of bed….

Now I know what I have to do!