Disclaimer: I own nothing.
The winter here is cold and bitter. It's chilled us to the bone
Carol's family were waiting at their house when they returned, Carol didn't want anyone to touch her, and she made it perfectly clear by walking straight by them all and hurrying upstairs the moment they entered the house. Beth fell back onto the couch, her eyes so blue and puffy; Maggie held herself tightly with her arms, her legs pulled up to her chest, from where she sat on the floor, and Hershel was sitting in the armchair with Annette behind him, shaking his head as if to keep the sadness away.
Annette tried to talk to Daryl, to sooth him by comfortingly squeezing his arm, but Daryl jerked away and went down to the basement. She swallowed and closed the front door. She began to make tea in case Carol wanted some, but she doubted it. She just had to keep herself busy and wait. That's all she could do.
I haven't seen the sun for weeks, too long, too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking and I claw for solid ground
Daryl found Shawn in the basement with a bottle of whiskey, offering it to him, and Daryl took it, drinking deeply. He didn't know how process any of this. Carol didn't want him around, and he accepted that. He was going to give her space, because he needed some too. He didn't know how to handle this. His son was supposed to be born next week. The due date was next week. They were going to bring him home in that hideous blanket Beth made, and they were going to get no sleep, because Ethan was a baby and had no concept of day or night. They were going to have to deal with smelly diapers and booming cries. The worse thing that was supposed to happen was "baby blues". This wasn't supposed to happen. It shouldn't have been an option, but... Death crept on them and had taken away life that Daryl and Carol had created. It had snatched that innocent baby, and all of the plans and stupid arguing over names and what sport/instrument he would play was smoke on the breeze. Everything they thought was going to happen was gone. Poof.
How were they supposed go on knowing that the only life they had created together was gone?
––
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Everyone paused when they heard a shattering sound, Daryl ran up the stairs from the basement, seeing Beth and Maggie and Annette looking upstairs, so Daryl went up, finding Hershel outside the nursery. He walked over to him and was about to ask what the hell was going on when he saw what the hell was going on. He clenched his jaw.
And oh, darkness I just feel like letting go
Carol was on a rampage. She had destroyed the rocking chair Daryl had made and she had painted, and she used the back to attack the crib. She was crying now, throwing things around and cursing. She had completely trashed the nursery, and when Daryl saw the blood on her hands and nails, he went in and grabbed her.
If all the of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
"Get off me!" She struggled. "Don't touch me!"
"Carol! Carol, stop it!"
She got free and slapped him in the face, breathing hard, glaring at him. "You want me to stop? Tell the pain to stop! Tell the goddamn world to stop! Don't tell me to stop!" She was screaming at him, but it didn't feel good. Nothing felt good anymore. It was all fucked up. "Don't you dare tell me to stop!"
Daryl stared at her, his cheek unaffected by her slap, but the way she looked at him, that made him want to die. How much more useless could he get? He couldn't even sooth his own wife. He couldn't give her a good life with bouncing babies. What the hell good was he?
"Carol." Hershel entered the room.
"Don't touch me!" She covered her hand with her mouth, shaking. "Do not touch me!"
"Hon—"
She ran out of the room when Hershel tried to touch her, and the slamming of a door followed.
"Oh, my God." Beth covered her mouth with her hands at the sight of the nursery.
"Carol?" Maggie knocked on the door. "Carol?"
"Daryl." Annette rushed over to him, seeing the blood and grasping his face gently. "Are you okay?"
"Ain't mine," he managed. "Carol's."
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace, full of grace
My love
She didn't care about his personal space boundaries. She cared about him, and she wasn't going to ask for permission. She hugged him, and Daryl tensed, but it went away as she held him. He'd never been hugged by anybody but Carol and that awkward one with Beth, and it was nice. Annette smelled like graham crackers and flowery perfume, and she reminded him a little of his own mother when she wasn't drunk. He felt tears in the back of his eyes.
It's better this way, I say. Haven't seen this place before
Where everything we say and do, hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long in the same old sickly skin
Annette rubbed his back. "Don't hold it in," she whispered. "I know what this feels like, and holding it in doesn't make it any better."
He wanted to push her away, but he was too weak, too depressed, and he cried. He didn't know which emotion was stronger, but they dragged him down, and they broke him down. He couldn't hold it in anymore. His son was gone, his wife was inconsolable, and everything was fucked up. Everything was tainted, and it would never be good again. He just knew it would only get worse. It always did, and there wouldn't be a better this time. The better was broken and crying alone, and there was nothing he could do for her. Not a fucking thing.
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
And oh, darkness I just feel like letting go
––
That first night, Daryl didn't go to their bedroom. He wanted to, but he smelled like alcohol, and he didn't want her to smell that. Annette and Hershel had asked Shawn to go out and get some supplies while they planned the funeral for Ethan, and the girls went upstairs to Carol.
She wasn't asleep, but she didn't push Maggie or Beth away. They stayed with her all through the night, and they stayed with her until it was time for the funeral the following week. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight, and the service was lovely. Annette had made sure it was. It was very fitting, it made almost everyone cry and since everyone they knew was there, even Merle, it made Daryl and Carol feel even worse.
Carol had received so many condolences that day, and she couldn't take them anymore. Daryl could see that, so he walked over to her.
"Do you want me t—?"
"No." She looked at him for the first time in days. It was the first time she'd spoken to him in days as well. "I want this to be over. That's what I want."
"Carol—" He tried to touch her, but she walked away from him.
Beth noticed and walked over to him. "Give her time."
"I'd give her anything," he told Beth, "if she'd just talk to me."
She wanted to hug him, but she didn't. She didn't want to make him tense, not after all the tension he had with Carol. "If you need to talk, I'm here. We're all here for you." Beth knew Carol wasn't going to talk about it. She never spoke of her father's death after he died, and she knew she couldn't speak of Ethan now too.
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Daryl saw Merle and excused himself, joining his older brother. "What're you doin' here?"
"Came to pay my respects," he admitted. "I'm sorry, lil' brother. This shouldn't have happened. You didn't deserve this."
Daryl felt a wave of emotion and tears threatened to stream down his cheeks, but he swallowed them. He'd done enough crying. "Thanks, Merle, for comin'."
Merle had no words, no quips, so he just gave Daryl an awkward yet comforting hug. "Go talk to your wife."
"Talk? She don't wanna talk to me."
"Well, just try. She needs you."
Daryl looked over his shoulder, seeing Carol sitting on a bench and closing her eyes. He found himself going over to her, and he sat down beside her. She stayed sitting there, and she took his hand, placing it in her lap and squeezing it, never once opening her eyes, just knowing it was him.
"Broke little mouse," Merle murmured. It's a big shitty world, and they got a taste of that too damn soon. Merle sighed, seeing the picture of little Dixon and shaking his head. "Rest in peace, Ethan."
I know I can love you much better than this
It's better this way
––
Carol had been out most of the day, leaving Sophia with her family, and Carol was trying to find...peace, perhaps. She'd been dreaming of Ethan again, and it wasn't any easier. She didn't know why he was in her dreams, but she figured it had to do with her never truly accepting with his death. She was trying to.
Ever since that night in her bathroom, she'd really been trying to make peace with it, but it was harder than she thought. He would always be a part of her, and she was scared that she might forget... The pain of losing him was a reminder of him and the many months before that damned day, but she didn't want to associate pain with her little boy. She associated pain with Ed, and she didn't want those two to mix. Ethan was everything, and Ed was nothing. Nothing.
Carol came home pretty late that day, her heart a little lighter. "Am I late for dinner?" Carol set her keys in her purse as she entered the house.
"Nope." Shawn stepped into the hall with a slice of pizza. "Mushroom and sausage with cheese stuffed crust."
"My favorite." She dropped her shoes onto the floor. "Where's everyone at?" She went into the kitchen and filled a glass with soda.
"Dad took the girls and the munchkin to see Mom. They'll be back at nine or so." He shrugged.
"Sophia has a bedtime. Do they know that?" She grabbed a slice of pizza.
"I didn't tell them to take her out."
She looked at him. "Okay, you're jittery. What happened? Did Sasha come by?"
"No...well, yeah, but no." He tossed the crust into the box as she looked at him with confusion on her face and wiped his hands on his jeans, no longer hungry. "We had lunch at the cafè today."
She nodded, taking a bite of pizza.
"Yeah, it turns out the reason she was asking me about kids is because she's pregnant."
She choked. "W—what?"
"Yep. Three months pregnant." He dropped onto the chair beside him. "I'm gonna be a dad, Carol. A dad. I am too immature and irresponsible to be a dad."
"Whoa, whoa, slow down. Tell me everything." She moved into the chair next to him with her drink and slice of pizza.
"I met her for lunch, and it was normal. She had on this sexy little black dress, and she was wearing the green tinted diamond on her necklace, which I gave to her on our first anniversary, and I thought that was weird." His eyes were so wide, and Carol was a little worried. "She was listening to me talk about some bratty little assholes I had to take pictures for, and she was laughing. She has the cutest laugh. Have you heard it?"
"Okay, stop. You need to calm down. Here." She handed him her soda. "Drink. This'll take the edge off the obviously delayed shock."
Once Shawn had started blinking again, he thought about his afternoon, realizing now that this should've been more obvious then.
– – –
Sasha was waiting at their table, the sun was shining outside, and she had her head in her hand, letting her other hand rest in her lap. Her shoulder-length black hair was straight with a few pins to keep it out of her face, her dress fit her very well, but she looked a little nervous. He was half an hour late. Those damn kids were annoying and very, very slow to move into position, not to mention easily distracted. They were beneath dogs. At least dogs listen, if bribed.
"I'm sorry I'm late." He kissed her, and she smiled at him. "Were you waiting long?"
"Not very long." She shrugged a shoulder. "Mom's making pasta, but I came by earlier and asked for some, so hopefully it'll be done soon." Jacqui made meals for only the family. They were off the menu, so they would have to pretend they brought it. Otherwise the other customers would think this would try and order it too, and Mom didn't want to deal with that mess.
"I love pasta." He studied her. "Are you all right? You seem...distracted."
"I'm fine. Tell me about your bratty kids?"
"It was for a couple of teenagers. They wanted to make their mother a book of pictures for her birthday. It was a pain in the ass. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the attention of two eight-year-olds and two twelve-year-olds? I swear they were on a sugar high too." She laughed at his exasperated expression. "The oldest one was seventeen, and him, I liked. He managed to control them. Why do people want more than one kid? Let alone five?"
She let out a nervous laugh. "I don't know."
"I think I hate kids." At least other peoples' kids anyway.
"How were the pictures?"
"Fantastic, of course. I took them." He shook his head, honestly exhausted.
"What's wrong?" She could feel that he was upset. She didn't want to bring it up right away, because she wanted them to enjoy their lunch, but he looked so tired, sick almost. She was worried about his health.
"It's Carol," he admitted. "Something's changed."
"Of course. It's been five years."
"I know, but I think something happened to her. It wasn't good either." He rubbed his eyes.
"Have you slept?" She hated when he did this. Whenever he was upset, he wouldn't sleep. He couldn't. She used to catch him staring out the windows whenever he spent the night and had a lot on his mind. She tried everything to get him to sleep—teas, pills, warm milk, massages—but none of it worked. "You look really tired."
"I am." He ran a hand through his hair. "I need coffee."
"I'll get you one." She stood up and went over to the counter, getting his usual.
He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to wake up, but he couldn't. He couldn't sleep either. He was just worried about Carol. He knew something happened to her. He didn't know what, but it was something. He had no idea how to ask her or how to get her to tell him. He would find a way, but not in this state. Man, it really hit him how tired he was.
"Shawn!"
He didn't realize he was falling out of his seat until he hit the floor, and Sasha and Jacqui were swarming around him. "Ow." He gripped the back of his head.
"Ty," Jacqui called to her son, "come and help us get Shawn into the car."
Tyreese helped Shawn up, Sasha grabbed her purse and his keys. She thanked Tyreese for helping her then she drove him back to her place and helped him inside. She really hated the steps to her apartment, because they nearly tripped on them.
She called her mom and told her they made it safely. Sasha tossed her shoes into her closet and climbed onto the bed beside him. "You're still up?" She frowned.
"I have a headache." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry I fell and ultimately ruined our lunch."
"Don't worry about it. Mom had been giving me snacks anyway." She ran her fingers through his shaggy hair, trying to lull him to sleep. "I wanted to talk to you, but you need sleep more than we need to talk."
He caught her hand and kissed her palm. "I love you, Sasha Douglas."
"I love you, Shawn Greene." She was amused. "Now sleep."
"I'm sorry about before," he blurted. "I shouldn't have done that to you, and I know I can never make it up to you, because it was a horrible thing, but I'm glad you never gave up on me."
"I can see you, Shawn. I always have been able to." She smiled softly. "I've forgiven you, but you can't, can you?"
"I was raised better than that," he muttered. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Shawn, stop it. It was a long time ago, and it doesn't matter anymore. I trust you, and I love you, so just let it go." She lied down beside him and ran her fingers through his hair.
He closed his eyes and heaved a sigh.
She watched as his head dropped to the side, his hand went limp on hers and his breathing became even. She smiled and kissed his cheek, resting her head on his chest. She had forgiven him for what he done, but he couldn't, because he felt as though he betrayed his father. That's why. She had always wondered why he so persistent and why he felt the need to make it up to her. It was hard on her, but she's tough. She's a firefighter, and she knew how easily things could go up in flames, and she wasn't going to let what happen linger and cause her more pain. It happened, she suffered, but she moved on. Clinging to the past wasn't going to get her anywhere. That's why Shawn was still living at the farm in his childhood bedroom and taking crap jobs when he could be great.
She slid off the bed and changed out of her dress and into his gray hoodie. It was long enough to be a dress, and it was comfortable. She walked around her apartment. It wasn't big enough for a baby. It was barely big enough for her. She didn't have a lot of stuff, but what she did have was cluttering the living room and the hall. She needed to buy a house and soon. She wanted Shawn to help decorate their baby's nursery, but she had to tell him first. She waited until she was sure, because she didn't want to see his face like it was when Carol lost Ethan, and now she was waiting for the right time. She was going to tell him a while ago, but he canceled their dinner, because Carol came home and brought a lot of stress. Maybe now wasn't a good time, but she was going to start showing even more soon. There was a curve...a thickening visible enough for her mother to blurt it out at the station when she brought her lunch. All of those big, muscled men...they were more teary than her mother was.
She looked over houses for sale while Shawn rested, snacking on fruit, and she noticed that Shawn's old house was for sale. Why would they put that house up for sale? It was a beautiful house, and the guy that bought it added a deck with a pool. It was near the Greene's farm, and there was a lot of land. She could get that dog she's always wanted.
"What time is it?" Shawn stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
She checked her watch. "Five."
"Damn it." He felt horrible. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I had some things to take care of anyway." She bit into an chocolate-covered orange jelly.
"Like what?" He stood behind her. "You're moving?"
"Yeah. I need a bigger place."
"Why?" He took one of the jellies and bit into it. "Ew!" He spit it out into his hand. "What the hell was that?"
"An orange jelly." She took the rest of his and ate it as he washed the rest off his hand.
"I thought you hated them." He wiped his hands on a dishrag.
"Well, I was craving them."
"Okay. Tell me next time, 'cause I still hate them." He sank into the chair beside her. "Why do you want to move?"
She met his eyes. "Because I'll need room for the baby."
"What? You have plenty...of...room." His eyes widened. "Baby? What baby?"
"The president's. I guess because I'm black, he feels he can trust me."
"That's not funny!"
"Ours." She watched his expression. "I'm pregnant."
"You're pregnant?" he repeated. "Are you absolutely sure you're pregnant?"
"Shawn, I've been pregnant for three months." She folded her arms on the table. "How have you not noticed? Because it's actually impressive."
"Are you trying to tell me I'm incredibly stupid and a bad boyfriend for noticing something different with you or that I'm going to be a father?"
"You're not a bad boyfriend. A little dense, but not a bad boyfriend." She smiled. "You're going to be a father."
"Here comes the panic." He exclaimed, "And you're just telling me now?!"
"I wanted to make sure. The first few weeks are always risky, I didn't want to see your face if anything went wrong and then things got complicated with your family, so I just put it off."
"But you're a firefighter," he pointed out. "You can't...fire fight while pregnant."
"Really? See, I need you, I didn't know that." She smirked. "I'm not stupid, Shawn, but I am healthy and so is our baby. I have a sonogram, if you want to see it."
"Hell, yeah, I wanna see it."
She went into her bedroom then came back a few moments later, holding out a strip of papers. "I went to the doctor's today, actually, and I have a recording of the heartbeat, if you want to hear it."
He looked over the sonogram as Sasha pointed out what was what, and he felt his chest tightened. He was going to be a father in...what? Six, seven months? His biggest concerns this morning were whether or not to brush his teeth and expanding his business and if he could have a muffin or an apple for breakfast, but now... Now he was a father. His girlfriend of three years was pregnant with his child.
"I wanted to wait until you were with me before I found out the sex."
"I can't believe this." He was out of his seat. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I wanted to, but it never seemed like right time."
"There is no "right time". There's only now, so why didn't you tell me the minute you found out?"
She shrugged.
"No, don't shrug. Tell me."
"I was scared, all right? I'm twenty-five, I'm not married, and I don't even have a toaster, but I'm pregnant! I was careful. We were safe, so I don't know how this happened."
"Three months?" She nodded, and he did the math in his head and sighed. "That frigging party Tara threw for her girlfriend, Alyssa."
"Let's never tell our child he or she was conceived in a photo booth."
They laughed.
"Or possibly the front seat of my car."
"Or bathroom."
"God, we were horny." She laughed, and he smiled. "You're pregnant."
She nodded.
"Then I'm gonna do this right." He closed the space between them. "Sasha Douglas, let's live together."
"You want to live together?"
"Well, half of my crap's already over here, and I've discovered a lot of your crap at my place."
"Like what?"
"That lace thong, for one."
She laughed. "That wasn't mine."
He shuddered. "I'm going to pretend it was yours then." It was easier and more enjoyable if he pretended it was hers and not one of his sisters'.
"Well, Shawn Greene, I wanna live with you too, but we're going to need a house."
"I completely agree." He grabbed the paper and led her into the living room, pulling her into his lap when he sat on the couch. "A house?"
"Yeah."
"I have money saved up."
"As so I."
"All right, now you're just copying me." He smirked.
"All right, I'm copying you."
"Fine, after we find a house, we're having sex."
"Fine, after we find a house, I'm calling my relator and having it inspected."
"And thus begins the no sex portion of our relationship."
She laughed and kissed him. "I have a house in mind, but it's entirely up to you." She showed him, and he did a double-take. "It's your old house."
"Yes, it is."
"What?"
"It's a good house, but I don't know." He ran his thumb over her shoulder. "Living there as an adult, raising our kid there? It's weird."
"It's been remodeled some. We can go and take a look."
"I suppose."
"We'll go tomorrow. I have a lot of time, so when are you free?" She grabbed her phone to set a reminder.
"I'm free after five...er, in the morning."
"We can go shopping after. I don't have any suitcases, but luckily most of my stuff's already in boxes, so it'll be easy to move." She felt his hand sliding up her thigh as she made a list. "And we'll have to pack your things as well. Do you want a room for your camera equipment?"
"Sure."
"Shawn." She didn't look at him.
"Sasha." He gently rubbed her inner thigh. "I'm listening to every word you're saying."
"I bet you are." She lowered her phone. "But my brother is coming by with food in ten minutes."
"Sometimes I hate Jacqui." He ran his hands through his hair and rested them on her knees. "What kind of food? I'm starving."
"It's all healthy, so probably nothing good."
"Then I'm going home to get a pizza, and I'll come by later tonight with "healthy" ice cream."
"You have a key."
He kissed her deeply, resting a hand on her stomach, feeling a bump, and he placed a kiss to her stomach as well. "I'll even bring a book."
"A book?"
"Yeah, the first story our kid's hearing is my favorite childhood book."
"Bunnicula?"
"I should still have a copy." He picked her up, stood up and set her back down on the couch. He snagged his keys out of her purse. "I'll see you tonight, beautiful."
She smirked. "Tonight."
––
He told her the shorter version and left out the whole part about him worrying over her, and she hugged him. He was happy, but he was still worried. It wasn't so much Sasha having a healthy baby as him being a father. How the hell was he going to be a good father? He could barely keep Carol alive growing up, and now he had a kid on the way.
"I'm so happy for you!" She smiled. "You'll be a great father!"
"Lying's a sin."
"Shut up. You will be."
"Lair," he decided. "How was your day?"
"Nothing much. Nothing important, anyway." She shrugged.
"Great then tell me."
"Why?" Could he not sense that she didn't want to talk about it?
"Because my girlfriend is creating life as we speak, I need something "not" important right now."
"It was important," she confessed. "I uh, went to Ethan's grave today."
"Oh." He dropped his eyes.
"I'm trying to sort out my feelings," she told him. "I don't want this pain and sadness. I love him, and I always will, but I need to make a place for him in my heart and let go of all that pain. It's the only way I can change that house. I feel Ethan's memory is there, and I'm...I don't know, erasing it? I know I'm not, but I feel like I am."
"Yeah." He nodded.
"I need to...accept what happened—all of it—especially if I'm going to try and be friends with Daryl."
"That's really good, kid. I know you never really coped after Ethan, so I'm proud of you, and I'm here for you." Then he grinned. "Ah."
"'Ah' what?" Carol eyed him.
"You and Daryl. Daryl and you. Alone together. At your old house."
"I'm just fixing it up to be sold, and he's gonna be working at his shop with T."
"Fine, I won't go there. Here, I will go. Do you love him?"
She nodded. "Yes, of course." It's Daryl. She'd always love him.
"Are you in love with him?"
She hesitated.
"Are you?" he pressed.
"I'm n—"
The front door opened, Sophia called to Carol, Beth was laughing and Maggie dropped on the sofa, causing Hershel to nag her to go upstairs. Carol dropped her head and crossed her arms over her stomach, and Shawn had to meet Sasha. He trusted Carol to not tell, so he left her to clean up while he said goodbye to his dad, niece and sisters.
– – –
Daryl worked on Merle's bike since he didn't need it where he was. Daryl had co-op for fourth, so he he checked out in second. He hated his third, and if he had to sit through another kiddy movie, he would was going to shoot the damn TV and maybe the teacher.
He was glad to not have to see Carol right now. He had to talk to her, and he didn't even know how to go about it. These things weren't his strong point. He'd never been with someone as he was with Carol. He had to tell her, but he knew she would get mad and try something stupid and get herself hurt. She was smart until someone pisses her off or hurts someone she cares for. The last thing Daryl needed was her confronting his father, but eventually, Carol would figure it out. She was too smart not to, and he'd seen how she was noticing the little winces and flinches.
Her birthday was coming up as well. They'd made an agreement to just get each other a birthday/graduation gift, so they didn't have to spend extra money, and they both had time to decide what was best to give the other. Daryl still wasn't sure what to get her. He'd known her all this time, but she was hard to shop for, and Daryl hated shopping anyway. If he could con Andrea into it, he would. Huh, maybe he could.
He sent Andrea a text on his break when they were getting out of school, and he waited for her to reply, sitting on the ground with his back against a car. He heard T call to him to let him know that he was going out to run an errand, probably going to check on Jacqui and their kids, and was leaving Daryl in charge.
Daryl's phone vibrated when red hair spilled over his screen, and he found Carol's gray-blue eyes smiling at him. "Carol."
"Hey." She crouched down in front of him, respecting his privacy by not looking at his phone. "I figured it was my turn to bring you something while you're working." She set her purse down and dug out a bottle of pop. "Eat this first." She handed him a Snickers ice cream bar.
"What're you doin' here?"
"I already told you why." She searched his eyes. "Am I in the way? God, I'm so sorry. You're probably busy. I'll just go. I have to help Andrea and Lori with their prom dresses anyway, so excuse me." She started to stand up, but Daryl grabbed her wrist.
"You don't gotta go."
"But I thought—"
"I didn't mean to sound so cold."
"It's okay. I should've sent you a text." She tucked hair behind her ear. "Where's T-dog?"
"Runnin' some errand."
"So, you're in charge?" She leaned closer to him. "And we're alone?"
"For now."
She kissed him, he pulled her onto his lap, and her hands rested against his neck, slowly sliding up to his cheeks. His phone vibrated against his leg, but he wasn't going to answer it. However the person was persistent and kept calling.
Carol broke the kiss and answered his phone, already knowing who it was. "Hello?"
"What did I tell you?" It was T-dog.
"How do you know we're doing anything? We could be talking."
"If you were "talking", Daryl woulda answered. Before I even called."
"Fine. Here's Daryl." She handed him the phone.
"Hello?" Daryl paused. "Alright. Yeah, I'll do it. See you then." He hung up. "I gotta go help him."
"I have to help pick out dresses."
"Come by tomorrow."
"Okay." She kissed him goodbye and left before she was late and had to deal with Lori using that against her and conning her into prom. She really didn't want to go, but Lori used the same excuse everyone else did: it's your senior prom. She wasn't the type of girl who went to prom, and she had plans of her own.
––
Carol went to T-dog's shop the next day, and she spent some time with, learning about one of the cars he was working with. She found it interesting, and she even asked to help. T-dog was the best guy she knew, and he let her help, but only a little since it was someone else's car. She'd gotten him to tell her Daryl was coming in at four.
"Will it work?" Carol asked.
"Yeah, just needs a little tendin' to." He pointed behind him. "Get me that toolbox, and I'll show you."
Carol picked up the toolbox, but a few wrenches fell out, so she bent down and picked them up. At least it wasn't anything expensive and fragile. If it was, she still had almost a thousand dollars in her bank account. She heard the front door open, and she checked her watch. It was five till.
"Hey, T," Daryl called into the garage.
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna work on the Hyundai 'round back. If Carol comes by, tell her...somethin'. I don't want her to know I'm here."
"Uh..." T-dog glanced at the Craftsman's tool chest then at Daryl, and Daryl followed his gaze and Carol stood up, holding wrenches. "Does anybody hear a phone?" He looked around as he bolted from the room.
"Carol..."
She walked over to him. "I thought if I loved you for the both of it, it would be enough. We could be happy. I was so stupid." She slammed the wrenches down at his legs and stormed out of the garage. She grabbed her purse from the counter and slipped it on, trying to remember where her car was. She'd parked in the back, so Daryl wouldn't see it. She hurried to get her car, but she had a feeling he wasn't coming after her.
She dug out her keys when she found her car, and in a rush, she dropped her phone. The screen cracked. "Are you kidding me?" She picked it up. Just great. She threw it into her purse and unlocked her door, opening it only to have a hand slam it shut. "What the hell now?" she snapped, glaring at him, stunned to see him there.
"Carol, wait."
She held her hand out. "Hi, I'm a human being. What are you?" She glared and crossed her arms. "God, you asshole. You want me to stay away, fine. You got your wish."
"No! It ain't like that." He shut the door again. "I do want you 'round."
"I heard you!" She was so angry she wanted to cry and hit him—with her car!
"C—"
"No! No, waiting! No, Carol! You've been distant for months, and I was too damn stupid to see the signs! I get it now! We're done! You're free!" She was going to cry, and she didn't want him to see it. "Move!" She pushed him and opened the door to her car.
"Damn it, Carol!" He pushed her gently against and smashed his mouth against hers, cutting off her protests. He could feel her trying to get away, hitting him with her fists, but he grabbed her wrists and pulled her closer. He could feel the fight leaving her, and he wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her until he was certain she was breathless and only then did he pull back. He looked into her eyes. "Listen."
She was glaring, but her eyes had lost their loathing fire.
"I don't want you 'round right now 'cause there's shit goin' down with my brother. I don't want you involved."
She swallowed. "Shit?"
"You don't wanna know. Just trust me and stay away from me for a while, all right?"
"No, not all right. How can I believe you?"
"You just gotta."
She searched his eyes, seeing he was genuinely worried about her and that he was telling the truth, and she signed. "Fine, but when I see you next, we're talking. It's going to be a very long talk, and no lying, got it?"
He smirked. "Got it."
"You're still an asshole."
"I accept that." He tried to kiss her, but she moved her head so he only kissed her forehead.
"If I can't see you, you can't kiss me." She ducked under his arms and stepped back. "Call me when this "shit" is over. Otherwise, I'm going to your house in the middle of the night, breaking in and waking up Merle to see what happened."
"Just trust me. Stay away for, like, a week or two."
"Fine. Move so I can go. I have to pick up a dozen cupcakes for the party in our first."
"What kind?"
"Vanilla and chocolate." She opened the door and tossed her purse in the passenger seat, turning her head to look at him. "And red velvet for us."
He smirked.
"Daryl." She searched his eyes. "Be very careful. I know the men Merle runs with are willing to resort to horrible things."
"Which is why you should go." He stepped back. "Stay safe."
She got in her car and left. She had a bad feeling about this. The last time Merle got mixed up with drugs, he and Daryl almost got shot. Only Daryl puking got them out of it. She didn't want either of them to get hurt. Merle had his redeemable moments, but mostly he was an ass. One day, he might redeem himself for all the crap he's done, but she doubted it. People like Merle are the same until something really drastic happens, and she didn't know what that would be. The only person he cared about was Daryl, but he put Daryl in compromising positions all the time. She didn't like him, but she didn't hate him. Most of the time.
––
Carol couldn't sleep, her mind was too busy, so she grabbed her shoes and quietly headed down the stairs and out the door. She ran to the stables, feeling the cool night air against her cheeks, and she found her horse. She saddled her and climbed up, taking her out. Carol knew where to go, and she didn't need light to get there. She was careful nonetheless since the horse wasn't as confident.
She arrived at the pond and got down, tying the reins against a nearby tree. She walked down to the end of the dock and sat down. She knew this area well. She and Daryl used to sneak out here before Hershel knew they were dating, and they'd fool around and talk. It was also one of the possible places Carol got pregnant with Ethan. She always hoped it was that time in her bedroom, but it was hard to tell. She and Daryl could never seem to get enough of each other after her birthday. It wasn't just sex, it was being that close to him, feeling all of him, and what that meant. Daryl was a very closed and private person, so making love meant that much more to both of them. She loved that he let her touch him anywhere she wanted, but she took her time. Every time they made love, she would move her hand closer to his back, to his scars, and she kept hoping if he got used to that then maybe one day he would be used to touch in general. Guess she'll never know if would've worked now.
She inhaled the night air and exhaled deeply, looking up at the stars. She always believed her father was up there watching over her, and she knew he was, but she knew now that Ethan was too. He was looking out for his little sister. He was still here, but not with them. He was with his grandfather, and Carol could accept that if she could just understand why Ethan didn't make it, but Sophia had.
She knew she couldn't know that. Everything works out the way it's supposed to, so maybe tomorrow or the distance future, she would see why it had to be like this. She just had to be strong and make a room for him in her heart where he could be with her forever.
Carol stayed by the pond through the night, and she fell asleep just before sunrise. She only woke when her foot fell off the dock, jolting her. She sat up, the wind tugging at her clothes and hair, and she saw a Cherokee rose spinning in the water as the wind blew.
It's a Cherokee rose. The story is when the American soldiers were moving Indians off their land on the Tail of Tears, the Cherokee mothers were grievin' and cryin' so much 'cause they were losin' their little ones along the way from exposure and disease and starvation. A lot of them just disappeared. So the elders, they said a prayer; asked for a sign to uplift the mothers' spirits, give them strength and hope. The next day this rose started to grow where the mothers' tears fell.
Goosebumps sprang up on Carol's arm, and she fished the flower out of the water. As she held the rose in her hands, she remembered what Daryl said to her just before they buried Ethan.
I believe this one...bloomed for our little boy. He's up there, and one day, we'll see him again. I don't believe in much, but I do believe that.
Carol wiped her nose on the sleeve of her hoodie as tears ran down her cheeks, her entire body starting to tremble as sobs tore through her. She brought the flower up to her heart locket where Ethan's hair was resting inside along with the engagement ring Daryl had given her all those years ago.
You'll never lose by loving, Annette had told Carol once. You'll always lose by holding back.
Don't grieve. Anything you lost comes back to you in one form or another, Ethan had told Carol that once, and she didn't understand it until now. Ethan was gone, but Sophia was here. Maybe some of Ethan was within Sophia.