A/N: The clock's just struck midnight – what's a new year without a little new drama, right?

When Ashley was finally forced to come up for air, she pulled back only far enough to rest her suddenly very light head against Spencer's solid shoulder. She was a little relieved to feel how Spencer's ragged breathing matched her own – apparently she wasn't the only one who felt like the whole world had just shifted underneath her feet.

She was afraid to pull back further, to step away from the moment.

"What was that?" She finally managed to mumble breathlessly into the lapel of Spencer's jacket.

Ashley felt the other girl stiffen at her question.

There was a long pause.

"I'm sorry," Spencer said, backing away. She looked flushed and flustered. "I didn't come here to do that."

"Oh." Ashley nodded twice, taking a step of her own backwards and crossing her arms protectively across her chest.

The words hit her hard. Had she actually been stupid enough to believe even for a second that the kiss had meant something?

She was always setting herself up for disappointments, hoping for miracles that were never going to happen and that she didn't deserve anyway. Of all people, Ashley Get-Some-and-Get-Gone Davies should not be hoping that a kiss meant happily ever after.

In front of her, Carlin's eyes widened in panic and she reached out to gently lift the chin that Ashley had let sink against her chest.

"Ashley, no! No! Please, I didn't mean how that sounded! God, it's not that I didn't want to… that I don't want to… it's just… I shouldn't have done that. That's not why I came here."

Ashley felt her forehead wrinkling as she struggled to follow what Carlin was saying. The alcohol wasn't exactly helping her focus. "Wait, what?"

Spencer reddened further, if that was possible. "I'm sorry, I'm making a complete mess of this."

"A mess of what Spencer?!" It was time to get off this emotional rollercoaster, one way or another.

"Don't marry Ethan!" The marine finally burst out, throwing up her hands for emphasis.

That wasn't exactly what Ashley was hoping to hear, but it also wasn't what she'd been afraid to hear either. "Okay," she replied, the exhaustion evident in her own voice. "Then you can chill the hell out because I wasn't planning to really marry him."

"Okay," Spencer nodded, catching her breath and calming down the slightest bit. She rested her hands on her hips in a very unconvincing display of calm. "Good. That's… that's good. But you're wearing that…"

"Why do you even care?" Ashley cut in. She couldn't remember ever seeing Spencer looking so unsure of herself. She needed to know why.

"Because…" Spencer caught Ashley's gaze and held it. "Because you deserve better than him. You deserve someone that listens when you talk. Who asks for your opinion instead of ignoring it. Who makes you smile – really smile with that ridiculous nose crinkle of yours – instead of expecting you to fake it. You deserve someone that will make you happy and love you for you, not some agenda."

Ashley felt her heart rate pick up again, a flutter of hope. "So you came here to tell me that? And not to kiss me?"

"Right," Spencer affirmed, looking sheepish. "Talking was the general plan. I had kind of a speech… that was more of the abridged version, but…" She shrugged as if that explained everything.

It didn't.

"So why did you kiss me?"

Spencer ducked her head. "Umm… well you kissed me."

"A week ago," Ashley replied, "And so… you thought you'd… what, return the favor? That's very considerate of you." She was beginning to feel more herself. The hope fluttering deep in her chest was growing, and with it, her confidence. Maybe she hadn't really ruined everything. Spencer was here, after all, and she was still trying to look after Ashley just as she always had.

"You kissed me before," Spencer began again, searching carefully for her words, "And you didn't let me react before you went on the defensive…."

Ashley winced, interrupting again, "Please believe me Spencer, I didn't mean what I said. I'm sorry, I would never use you or disrespect you like that. You mean too much to me. I was just… afraid." She sunk down into the couch.

"Of me?" Spencer asked, surprised. She mirrored Ashley's position on the couch, looking adorably concerned.

"For you," Ashley blurted before she could stop herself.

If she was going to be honest, she was going to be completely honest, so she forced herself to continue.

"I think it's probably pretty obvious at this point that I have sort of a… what some people might call a crush… on you. Christine noticed, and she threatened to send you back into the worst of it in Afghanistan if I didn't fall into line. I'll get over it, I promise - I've done this whole falling for the straight girl thing before – but you were saying all those really nice things, and I just kissed you before I knew what I was doing. It was stupid. And then I freaked out because if anyone had seen what I did, it would have gotten back to Christine and I didn't want you to go back there. I couldn't handle it if I messed things up for you."

Ashley was wringing her hands in her lap. It wasn't until Spencer reached over and grabbed them that Ashley realized they had been shaking as well.

"Ashley," Spencer gave her hands a gentle squeeze. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? But if you think you need to protect me, don't worry about that. Going back to the war, if that's what is asked of me, is kind of in my job description, remember?" She offered Ashley a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, well I don't really like that part of your job." Ashley mumbled, feeling sheepish.

Spencer shifted so that their hands were now intertwined. "Ashley, please don't let your mother use me as another way of controlling you. You've already been through more than enough; you don't have to keep playing her game."

Ashley sighed, thinking of her own political agenda. "I kind of do, there's more at stake here than just me."

Spencer smiled at her. "You cover it up well, Ashley Davies, but you are pretty damn noble at heart. I know what you've been up to with your straight girl act recently, but just for one second, think about yourself and your own happiness, please."

Ashley scoffed. "I get to be happy?"

"Ashley," Spencer admonished. "Look, I understand what you're going through..."

"Sure you do Spence," Ashley laughed bitterly. "You know what it feels like to live in the closet because that's what people expect of you, to give up a piece of yourself for family and freaking country, because to be who you really are would cost you everything. But at the same time, staying silent has this terrible cost too, and you spend all your time wondering which is really the worse price to pay."

"Ashley," Spencer was trying to placate her, and Ashley just couldn't handle that right now.

"No, please Spencer, tell me how you understand!" She wasn't sure why she was yelling at the marine, but her emotions were all jumbled. She was frustrated with this messed up situation where she was completely in love with a girl who was so damn perfect that she was actually sitting here and trying to apologize for not loving Ashley back the same way.

At least that was the direction Ashley was pretty sure that this conversation was headed.

"Ashley, look at me," Spencer demanded in that low, intense voice that Ashley had no choice but to listen to. The marine took a deep breath and held Ashley's eyes. "I do know. I know exactly what that's like."

For once in her life, Ashley was silent.

"I'm sorry, what?" Ashley stood and began pacing across the carpet with nervous energy.

She can't have heard that right.

"Are you saying…?"

"I am."

"Why did you kiss me Spencer?" Ashley asked again. The answer was more important than ever.

Spencer stood. Her usual calm and confidence had apparently been restored with her confession.

"Because I have feelings for you too."

Spencer Carlin had made complete mess of things.

Her mission in returning here early had been to convince Ashley not to marry Ethan, but when she'd finally come face to face with Ashley, she hadn't been able to help herself.

Damn her Achilles' heel.

She had never intended to tell Ashley how she felt, or that she very much wanted to return her affection, or even that she was gay. That Spencer had revealed all of those things was only going to make their professional relationship more difficult and confusing.

Protecting Ashley was still Spencer's number one priority.

But the protection of her heart and the protection of her life were coming into conflict because Spencer had gone and kissed her, and then she'd said the exact wrong words. In that moment, Ashley had looked like she believed that she wasn't worthy of any sort of love.

Spencer was incapable of sitting back and allowing her to think like that. She'd had to fix it, to try to explain things.

And here they were.

"You kissed me," Spencer began again, hoping to get her explanation right this time. Her eyes tracked Ashley as she continued to pace back and forth across the living area. "And you…"

"Turned you gay?" Ashley interrupted again, waving her arms about for emphasis. "I know there are some rumors going around, but that's not actually a thing." There was her sarcasm again, wrapping around her like a security blanket.

This was all Spencer's fault.

"What? No." Spencer replied defensively, standing up from the couch as well. "I've always been gay. But that's not what I'm here to…"

"No." Ashley cut her off with a hand.

"No?" If Spencer wasn't so damn worried about hurting Ashley, she probably would have found this pretty funny. "Ashley, that's sort of how it works. I've known I like girls since I was in the second grade."

Ashley threw her hands up again. "No way. You barely even blipped on my gaydar."

Spencer heaved a sigh, fighting back a smirk. "Well maybe you should get that checked out." Whatever was going through Ashley's head now, she had some of her fire back, and that was a small victory at least.

"You can't be gay," Ashley insisted, plopping down on the couch again. "You're Spencer Carlin."

"As it turns out, those two things are not mutually exclusive," Spencer replied easily. "Ashley, what I really came here to say was…"

"Prove it." Ashley demanded, interrupting again.

"Prove it?" Spencer repeated, cocking an eyebrow.

Ashley nodded. "Prove it."

"Ashley, how exactly do you propose I do that?" The marine asked, running a hand through her hair. She was quickly moving from bemused to exasperated.

Spencer had never exactly been a woman of many words, but words were called for here. She needed to explain herself, and that was going to take some cooperation on Ashley's part.

"If you really were gay you wouldn't have to ask," Ashley replied smartly, as if she pleased that she'd finally found a way to get Spencer to stop messing with her.

Spencer rolled her eyes and sighed, leaning back in her place on the couch. After a moment's pause, she decided to play along for the moment, since this return to their usual banter seemed to be what Ashley needed to re-center herself. "Okay… I've seen every episode of Orange is the New Black?"

"Inconclusive." Ashley replied with a flap of her hand, but she leaned forward in a playful challenge. "That's just good television."

Spencer paused, really stopping to think about it. She'd never been in a scenario where she'd had to testify to her homosexuality. "Hmmm…My celebrity crush is Rachel Bilson?"

Ashley smirked, leaning even closer. "There's not a soul on this earth, male or female, that does not find that woman adorable. That's not going to cut it Carlin."

What was it going to take to convince this girl? "I lost my virginity to the homecoming queen." Spencer blanched – that was not something she had been planning to admit.

"Now I know you're joking!" Ashley laughed, but her eyes narrowed when she caught the blush that Spencer felt sweeping across her face for the second time that night. "Seriously?"

Spencer tried to shrug like it was no big deal, but blushed a little more. "Seriously. But will you please let me talk now? I came here to say something and you keep interrupting me in that way you do that I can't quite figure out if I find infuriating or endearing."

At her words, Ashley's face lit up again with a shy little smile that made Spencer's heart warm. "Please, by all means, try and explain yourself." Ashley gave her the floor. She was biting her lower lip, trying to hold it back, but Spencer could tell that Ashley was happy.

Spencer could only hope that she could explain herself properly, and keep that delicate light from going out. God, she loved when Ashley was happy.

Spencer took a deep breath, and dove in. "I didn't expect it to happen, and I fought against it for a long time, but I obviously can't deny anymore that I have some pretty strong feelings for you Ashley Davies."

Ashley gave her one of those thousand-watt nose crinkling smiles. "Spencer Carlin, you have feelings?" she teased.

Spencer laughed, feeling herself drawn closer to the other girl. Being near her, with the truth out freely between them, was damn near intoxicating. She smirked. "Did you miss the part where I kissed you?"

Ashley went glossy eyed, "Maybe. I'm not sure." She drummed her fingers against her lips invitingly. "I might need an instant replay." God the things this girl did to her. And before Spencer realized it, one or both of them had closed the distance between them and she was exploring Ashley's heavenly lips again.

There was electricity between them – two polar opposites with an undeniable magnetism. Spencer found it hard to break away, but she managed to stop things before they went too far.

It took all of her resolve, but she managed to pull away. She had to. "You said you were going to let me talk!" She managed to get out between heaving breaths.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Ashley shifted, placing some space back between them on the couch. "It's just, you keep saying things, these really perfect things, and I'm just a little emotionally vulnerable right now. So stop."

"Saying things?" Spencer asked, hearing a teasing in her voice that she really hadn't meant to be there.

"Yes," Ashley agreed leaning closer again. "Less talking."

Ninety percent of Spencer was screaming to agree. Her whole body was on fire, and she knew that Ashley was feeling the same way. She knew without a doubt that what they both wanted to happen would be amazing.

But once that line was crossed, there would be no turning back. Spencer wouldn't be able to if she tried. What lay on the other side of that line would be beautiful, but she knew deep down that it could only lead to disaster for both of them.

So ninety percent of Spencer was fighting to get to Ashley, but ten percent was reminding her that she needed to stop this for both of their sakes. Reluctantly Spencer pulled away and put some distance between herself and Ashley.

"Ashley," she whispered, fighting hard against the way her eyes were starting to water "We can't do this."

"Why not Spencer?" Ashley's voice was earnest. "You said I should do what makes me happy. You make me happy – happier than I've ever been."

Spencer reached out to cup Ashley's face, rubbing the soft skin of her cheek with her thumb. "I can't make you happy Ashley, not the way you deserve. You need someone who can stand by your side. I'm not allowed to be the girl who gets the girl."

"Carlin," For a moment Ashley didn't seem to understand, but she caught herself. "Sergeant Carlin." She pulled back away from Spencer's hand, nodding to herself in what looked a lot like resignation. She chuckled darkly, "I guess you really do understand."

Spencer could see her heart breaking again. "I'm so sorry Ashley, I shouldn't have…"

"Why did you never say anything?" Ashley interrupted. "Even before we… when we were starting to become friends, all that time I was parading around, flashing my gay feathers, calling you a bigot, and you didn't say anything."

"Ashley, I couldn't. You didn't ask, so I didn't tell. But then I got to know you better, started to understand who you really were - started to realize how I really felt about you - and then I just figured it was better not say anything, because it would be easier. Since I knew I could never be with you."

Ashley grimaced. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Another gift to the world from dear old mom."

"I've had a lot of special training for my job - the Marines have invested a lot of time and money in me and they expect to get that value back. The fact that I've served honorably for four years wouldn't matter. The fact that I only have less than a year left of my current service contract wouldn't matter. If they found out about me, all that they'll see is that I'm gay – that I'm a non-commissioned officer with a position of authority who's gay. Do you have any idea what the penalty is for that?"

She wasn't trying to scare Ashley, and fear wasn't what was motivating her now, but Spencer needed Ashley to understand her position.

"I know it's bad," Ashley paled.

"Ten years in prison. Military prison. Where the guards see you not only as a criminal, but a traitor to your country and a freak of nature. They pick the best and the brightest zealots to be the guards there. The stories I've heard, the type of stories that don't get out to the public about what happens to people charged under your mom's version of DADT – they give me nightmares and I've seen a lot of scary things."

"If you knew that you were gay before you joined the military, why did you join at all?" Ashley asked.

"Being a marine is all I've ever dreamed about," Spencer replied. "I knew I wanted to serve even before I was old enough to understand that I was gay. When I was enlisting, things were looking good. President Harrington was running for another term and he was making himself out to be this ultra-liberal to make his position all the more distinct from your mom's where they were similar on so many other issues.

He was pushing for the repeal of DADT as part of his second term platform. His poll numbers were looking so good that I signed my enlistment contract before the election – before that scandal came out accusing him of buying votes. My mom warned me to wait, but I didn't. I was just so eager to live out my dream, I didn't think – not thinking was kind of a pattern in my teenage years – and then your mom was elected and I was already stuck.

I didn't have a choice at that point. The first thing President Davies did in office, just a few weeks before I started basic training, was put DADT on steroids. So I had to hide. It wasn't easy. I hadn't exactly been out and proud in high-school – we lived on a military base in Ohio, not exactly the place to wave around a rainbow flag - but my family knew, my friends knew. I dated, I was coming to terms with who I was and how I was different.

All of that had to be put on hold. But it was okay - I loved my job. I was doing good and I could feel it, I loved my new friends and my unit, and it wasn't like there was anyone waiting for me at home. It hasn't really been an issue until now…"

"So I'm an issue then?" Ashley waggled her eyebrows. Spencer could see that she was trying desperately to play it off like she wasn't hurt by Spencer's rejection, whatever the reasoning behind it.

"You're always an issue Ashley." Spencer replied, feeling her own heart break, but trying to play along to give Ashley what she needed.

There was an unsettled silence between them. Spencer noticed for the first time that the television was still buzzing softly in the background. Some late night television host was cracking jokes about balls dropping.

"I understand the need to hide." Ashley said finally. "I haven't had quite as much at stake…"

"But it hasn't been easy for you either." Spencer finished.

"No," Ashley agreed. "But… But we could hide together. There's something between us Spencer. It's big and scary and it terrifies me, but I think it would be worth it. No one would have to…"

"Ashley," Spencer began.

"I'm sorry," Ashley cut in. "That was stupid. You don't want to – it's a big risk, I understand."

Spencer could see that Ashley was closing in on herself and she hated what she was doing, what she was walking away from.

"It is a big risk," Spencer agreed, "But if you and I had met under different circumstances, I'd probably still go for it anyway. I don't always make the best career decisions when it comes to following my heart." Spencer couldn't help but think of her tryst with Carmen. "But there's more at stake here – namely your safety."

"What?" Ashley laughed a little at that. "Spencer, I'm perfectly safe."

"And it's going to stay that way. I don't like to worry you, but there are a lot of bad people out there who really, really don't like your mom. They wouldn't bat an eyelash about hurting you to get to her. I'm briefed about them every week and the thought of anyone touching you makes my blood run cold. You and Kyla needed the best protection available, and I'm not being cocky when I say that Corporal Lewis and I are pretty much the best at what we do.

"But I can't be your bodyguard and be something more at the same time. It's a conflict of interest and I'm already worried that how I feel about you is affecting my work. If I had any backbone, I'd walk away, but I'd rather be near you – be your friend - than not be anything at all. So I stay."

"Spencer," Ashley started to protest, but then seemed to think better of it. "God I'm not really sure if I want to swoon or smack you."

Spencer wasn't sure what she deserved either after the come-here go-away trip she was putting Ashley through. "I can put in a request to transfer, if that would be easier for you."

"I don't want you to leave." Ashley was very clear about that. "But I just want it to be known that this totally and completely sucks."

Spencer couldn't agree more.

"So we just pretend like none of this ever happened?" Ashley sounded like she didn't like the sound of that.

Spencer didn't like the sound of that either. She didn't quite know what to say. "I don't think I could forget," she admitted. "But for now, I'm going to have to focus on being your friend, and your bodyguard."

"How can I just be your friend when I know how I feel about you?" Ashley asked. She looked emotionally and physically exhausted. Spencer felt much the same way.

Spencer sighed, "It's hard and sometimes it hurts. But it's possible. We both have responsibilities, and hopefully that can district us until it gets easier. Look at what you started in that interview last week! You're going to have your hands full with trying to convince the public that 'gay is okay'. Just know that I'm in your corner. I'll always be your friend."

Ashley rubbed the back of her neck, sinking back deeper into the couch. "Responsibility sucks. But thank you. You are a pretty decent friend Carlin. Probably the best I've ever had – which is kind of sad because my mom pays you to hang out with me," Ashley joked.

Spencer laughed too, appreciating that Ashley was trying to bring them back to where they had been before the kissing and revealing of feelings.

"We'll make this work," Spencer promised her.

"I guess we don't really have a choice." Ashley grumbled.

"We can be friends, right?"

"Oh yeah, sure."

"Definitely."

"Piece of cake."

"Right."

"Mhmmm."

They both turned to pretend to watch the rest of the Tonight Show, like that was how they'd intended to spend the evening all along.

Aren't you glad Spencer and Ashley are being all sane and logical about this? Because that always works.

Anyway, thanks so much for all of your feedback. I'm really quite flattered by all of your support! I'm sorry for making you wait so long for this chapter (and I wish there was more of it!) but writing is on the back burner for the moment. I'm starting to study for a very important certification exam, so apologies in advanced for future delays. This chapter took an especially long time, because I wanted to get the feels right, and I hope I got the effect I was working for. I'll update again when I can!