Masae 3: Seeds of Doubt

As the Nishizumi sisters prepared to hear Masae's story, they had to wonder why Masae would leave despite having won two championships. They found it easy to understand that those outside their family's school valued more things than winning, so the only question that remained was what

"I can think of various sayings that all point to the same concept- that wanting is better than having," Masae said. "But I would argue that you have to acquire what you want, or at least a part of it, before you can truly understand this concept."

The group nodded. They had placed their orders for their food some time ago, and, given the restaurant's reputation, were expecting a good meal.

"As you probably know by now, we won the tournament that year," Masae said. "Some of my senpais and Instructor Nishizumi, being part of a school that is expected to win, must have found my nervousness going into the finals, and excitement over our victory to be quaint at best."

Shiho remained silent, letting Masae's suggestion speak for itself.

"I think that's probably how most people would feel about their school triumphing in a nation-wide tournament, Instructor Atago," Maho said. "When Black Forest won two years ago, many of the newcomers to the team celebrated. I understood how significant and how thrilling it was for them, as it was for me the first time. One reason I strive to win is so that my teammates can experience the joy of victory."

"You may be right, Maho," Masae said. "In any case, the quarterfinals and semifinals were both significantly more difficult than the first round against Oarai, but the battles proceeded according to plan. I suspected that the finals would be more difficult, and while I was not mistaken, we were able to triumph in spite of that."

25 years ago

Masae's tank, a Panzer III, rolled down the streets of the urban battlefield in which the finals were taking place. St. Gloriana, their opponent, was in disarray, and while Black Forest had taken some losses, St. Gloriana's forces were thinned even further. Masae reminded herself that it was still possible for Black Forest to lose their flag tank, and with it, the game, but realized that St. Gloriana's diminished numbers had also diminished their ability to defend their flag tank or attack the enemy's.

Masae's tank took its position and intercepted the fleeing Matilda that was St. Gloriana's flag tank. As she ordered her gunner to take aim and fire on the tank, she wondered if this was actually happening, and whether St. Gloriana had one last card to play.

But the radio reports indicated that the rest of the enemy tanks were scattered, unable to come to the rescue of the flag tank. None of them would stand in her way, and there was nothing stopping the shell from Masae's tank from sailing through the air and striking the Matilda in a decisive blow that brought the tank to a halt.

The English tank could not stand up to the powerful German cannon, and a white flag popped up amid the smoke.

"Black Forest wins the tournament!" the announcer said.

Masae could hardly believe what she was hearing. Had her team just emerged triumphant in the contest of all high schools in Japan with actual tankery teams? She knew that Black Forest was in the best position to do so, but this still felt like a tremendous accomplishment, one she had previously only been able to dream of.

As the victory ceremony began, Masae stood alongside her fellow team commanders, near the front of the group of all of Black Forest's tankers, as Shiho accepted the victory flag in full view of a large live audience, and an even larger television audience. All eyes were on Masae and her school, and she had triumphed.

Masae was flush with triumph as she heard the cheers. Masae's school had triumphed over all contenders- admittedly in part because of her school, but Masae was one of the more skilled Black Forest tank commanders. She had to admit that she was honored that she was entrusted with the responsibility of fighting alongside Black Forest, and proud that she succeeded with them.

But even as the fans- among them, Masae's family and old friends- cheered, and Masae's teammates stood near her, Masae looked around and felt a fleeting sensation of loneliness. She had friends among her teammates, but she suspected that their loyalties to the team often came first, and they would go their separate ways once they graduated.

So where would she be once she did? She would likely win the next two tournaments, but what else would she take away from this experience? Was this really as far as she could go, and was there no more room for her to improve herself?

Masae quickly put the thought out of her mind, wanting to enjoy her triumph, as she parted from the group, and met with her parents and sister, who rushed over to congratulate her. It was the final destination she had reached as a result of all her efforts. She would continue striving toward greater heights, but she felt confident that if her skills had brought her this far, they would take her even further in the future.

Present day

"In retrospect, that was a fond memory," Masae said, "but there are many others, even as far as tankery goes, that surpass it. I didn't fully realize it at the time, though."

"You know, Mom," Hiroe said, "Now that I think about it, not many of the friends you have over for dinner are ones you know from high school, and, if I recall correctly, hardly any of them are from Black Forest."

"Quite right, Hiroe," Masae said. "I got along well with many of my schoolmates back then, but most of them never saw me as much more than an acquaintance or stranger. The few who didn't fall into that group, and didn't disapprove of my decision to leave, were the sort who I eventually lost touch with after leaving Black Forest." Masae turned to Miho. "How about you, Miho?"

"It was mostly the same," Miho said, "but I've recently gotten back in touch with some of my old friends from Black Forest. There's Akeboushi Koume-san, one of the girls I've saved. There's Morita Kuroko-san, a commander of a Jagdpanther. And there's Miyanaga Teru-san- she was my fellow vice-captain, but, without saying too much, I felt as though I didn't really know her until recently- and Teru-san's friend, Hirose Sumire-san."

"That's good," Masae said. "You seem somewhat more personable and better at making friends than I am. I'm not exactly like Instructor Nishizumi, but I did tend to keep a certain level of distance between myself and those I command back when I was younger, both at Black Forest and at Pravda."

"As you should," Shiho said. "In addition to being unable to afford looking indecisive or unreliable in front of your subordinates, you also cannot let your feelings sway your decisions."

"So what does that mean, putting even stricter standards on your daughters so no one can accuse you of playing favorites?" Hiroe said sarcastically. "You certainly succeeded in that regard."

Shiho remained unfazed at Hiroe's comment, while Masae sighed slightly.

"Maho and Miho have their own roles to play," Shiho said, "and in many ways, theirs are of greater importance, so they do fall under greater scrutiny. Most people understand their roles in our family, and that's why almost no one would accuse me of favoritism toward my children."

"In all seriousness, though," Masae said, "for all the people who give their children promotions based on their connections rather than their merit, there are those who go too far in the opposite direction. For example, one commander I heard about tended to avoid her maternal cousin while on duty, referred to her by her last name and '-san,' like she would an acquaintance, and passed her over for a promotion to vice-captain. Some would call what she did impartial, but for years, there was a rift between the two girls."

"That's part of the reason why Hiroko and I didn't do anything of the sort," Hiroe said, "Kumakura-sensei approved my appointment of her as my vice-captain, and told us that it was up to us to decide on our mode of interaction; calling each other by our first names was less important than whether we worked well together, and we'd been together since middle school. Kumakura-sensei attended both Mom and Aunt Masaki's weddings, so she knew that we were related, so there was no point in hiding it from her."

"And I do know that it is possible for someone with no ties to the Nishizumi school to rise through the ranks at Black Forest," Masae said. "For my second year, I was appointed vice captain, having jumped at the chance to apply."

24 years ago

Masae's interview for the vice-captain position concluded. This time, Shiho was sitting across from Masae, considering her qualifications and judging her worth.

"I will make my decision within a week, and will let you know once I do," Shiho said.

"I understand, Commander," Masae said. "I appreciate your considering me, and look forward to hearing from you again."

"For the moment, it's just that- consideration," Shiho said firmly, which Masae saw as trying to discourage her from getting her hopes up. "Should you be chosen, it's a beginning, rather than the end. It's your responsibility to live up to the responsibility you've been entrusted, and do everything in your power to help lead the team to victory. I will ask you one more time- can I count on you to do that?"

Masae nodded. She had made it clear in the interview that she believed she had what it took to be vice-captain. She had held the position before at Troika, and she had given her all every day as a tank commander for Black Forest. Taking up the vice-captaincy seemed like yet another step, albeit not unlike what she had done in the past, so Masae felt prepared to do it.

"Yes, ma'am," Masae said decisively yet respectfully.

As Masae looked for any sign of response from her interviewer, Shiho's dispassionate expression did not change. Masae suspected that Shiho had heard this same line from the other applicants, and was a person who judged others by their actions, rather than their words. But Masae also hoped that she came off as more sincere and better able to back up her claim than the others.

"Very well," Shiho said. "You are dismissed for today; I will contact you to let you know my decision."

"Thank you, Commander," Masae said, before departing. She knew the odds were long and the position was a great responsibility, but she felt prepared for them. Her tankery had improved since she had come to Black Forest, so she believed it was time to increase her involvement with the team.

Present day

"I confess I didn't understand the true meaning of what you asked of me back then, Instructor Nishizumi, or at least, how you defined it," Masae said. "It seems the Nishizumi standard for commitment far surpasses that of most other schools and tankery teams."

"Not everyone I choose has the kind of dedication I expect of them," Shiho said. "Over the years, I have accepted students who did not have what it takes to succeed, and I suspect, so have you. When I had Miho and Maho, I did not know for certain how they would turn out, although I saw it as my responsibility to mold them into good tankers. But in all honesty, you had actually done well thus far, and I felt confident in my choice at the time. You performed well as vice-captain, even if you were not as committed as I hoped, so I believe I made the right choice back then."

Masae nodded and, despite herself, could not help but feel touched by Shiho's approval, something Shiho rarely expressed outright.

"Thank you, Instructor Nishizumi," Masae said. "But if I may ask, are you saying that you cannot always accurately judge someone's potential?"

"No more than most in my position," Shiho said. "I, for one, had some idea that Miho was unwilling to accept the Nishizumi style to the point at which she would rather quit than do tankery our way, but I had not predicted her deciding to resume participating in tankery at Oarai."

"...or that she'd win the tournament?" Hiroe and Hiroko said together.

"Unfortunately, no," Shiho said, "even if her inability to follow the Nishizumi way was due to a lack of determination, rather than skill."

"Speaking of those unable to do tankery the Nishizumi way..." Masae said, "around this time, my sister who, as I mentioned before, came to Black Forest to do tankery with me."

"I believe you mentioned her before, Instructor Atago," Maho said. "Is she still doing tankery?"

"Not anymore," Masae said. "She was less intensely interested in tankery, mainly getting involved because I was. She quit doing tankery after graduating from high school, having enjoyed it, but believing that she wasn't good enough to do it professionally. But that's another story."

24 years ago

Masaki stood before Masae, wearing the same tankery uniform as Masae. Unlike other schools, Black Forest's school and tankery uniforms remained largely unchanged over the years. They were seen as a traditional part of the school and a part of its identity, in a sense, and the school was hesitant to change them, lest they compromise their identity.

When Masae had overseen the entrance ceremony, she recognized her sister among all the newcomers. The sisters had briefly made eye contact, but Masaki had not waved to or called out to Masae, nor had Masae otherwise acknowledged Masaki's presence, since both had their jobs to do.

After the ceremony, Masae approached Masaki in private to talk with her, both to do so away from her subordinates, and for the sake of having a private discussion between sisters.

"So you did end up joining the team after all, Masaki," Masae said. While she had talked about it with Masaki in the months leading up to her arrival at Black Forest, it was something else entirely to actually see her there, and Masae was unsure of how she should feel.

"Is something the matter, Nee-san?" Masaki said. "I'd expected you to be a little happier about us doing tankery together, just like old times at middle school."

"Nothing in particular," Masae said evasively. "But it's not quite like old times, in a sense. Black Forest is a higher-ranked school than our middle school and is more... serious about tankery, in some ways."

"How so, Nee-san?" Masaki said.

"For one, you should probably be calling me 'Vice-captain,' even if we are sisters," Masae said. "It's a matter of professionalism, as well as respect for the team's leadership."

"I'm sorry, Vice-captain," Masaki said. Masae noticed a touch of shame in her sister's voice, as if she were off to a bad start already. But there also seemed to be sadness. Masaki and Masae did many of the same things together, but was Masae now expected to keep her own sister at a distance?

"Well, to clarify, I won't make you do it when we're alone," Masae said, "since I'm only going along with the rule, there's no one around to judge us and we aren't acting on official business. But I mainly brought it up as an example of one of the more obvious and simpler things you'll have to do here that you didn't before."

"What do you mean, Nee-san?" Masaki said.

"Black Forest is a team that is, above all else, willing to do whatever it takes to win," Masae said. "Its leaders are supposed to set strong examples for the rest, but even the subordinates must also do their part. Knowing all this, are you prepared to commit yourself to the team and give your all?"

"I am," Masaki said.

Masae nodded, believing her sister. Masaki was serious, honest, and committed to giving her all in her endeavors. She hoped that kind of determination was what Shiho was looking for, or at least could respect to a certain degree.

But Masae realized that while her sister was her usual self, she herself was starting to sound like Shiho. Perhaps she was explaining the harsher and more disciplinarian atmosphere of Black Forest, but did that mean she had accepted it? Could her sister perform well in such an environment? Masae was no longer sure about either.

"I do know one thing," Masae thought, "Commander Nishizumi wouldn't dwell on such thoughts. Maybe that's not the only difference between us. Maybe, when it comes down to it, I can't lead the same way she does."

Present day

"It sounds like things were different for you , in some senses, Instructor Atago," Maho said.

"That's right," Masae said. "We both had positions of responsibility in the team, and had to balance our relationships with our younger sisters with our responsibilities. Of course, for my sister and I, it was something relatively new."

"Because you hadn't competed in such a high-pressure environment before?" Maho said.

"Exactly, Maho," Masae said. "A part of me was unsure whether she was making the right decision, but I was glad to have her around."

"Because you thought that she wouldn't be happy there?" Maho said. "I sometimes had to wonder that about Miho while both of us were at Black Forest, but I did also feel the same way about having her around."

"Well, yes," Masae said. "But in her case, it was because I, too, was also coming to question my decision, and I could not, in good conscience, recommend a course of action to someone else if I was not sure of it myself. Now that I think about it, I was in denial over Black Forest's less pleasant aspects. In my second year, I had to come to terms with this reality."

Shiho nodded.

"Black Forest did not change, Instructor Atago, and in hindsight, I don't believe you or I did, either," Shiho said. "The only things that happened were the ongoing struggle to uphold our winning streak, my choosing to do what I must to continue it, and your deciding that it was too much for you."

"That's quite harsh, Instructor Nishizumi," Kinue said.

"It's a necessary part of keeping up a record of success," Shiho said. "In order to achieve victory, you must settle for nothing less than the best and only work with those who share your determination. Such was the case when I was commander for Black Forest, and such is the case as head of my family's school."

Author's Notes

As always, reviews, favorites and follows are appreciated.

I suspect that Maho missed having Miho around, even if she understood Miho's reasons for leaving Black Forest, and hoped Miho would find her own way of tankery.