Harue 4: Dashed Hopes

As the main entrees arrived, Harue paused her story. The food had been somewhat late, and the waitress apologized, but Kikuyo insisted that it was not a problem, and no one else seemed willing to openly express disagreement.

After the waitress left and the six women at the table had a few bites of their meals, Ami decided to resume the conversation.

"So where did you leave off, Akado-san?" Ami said.

"As I was saying before, defeat can be difficult to bear, even when you're aware of how slim your odds of winning are," Harue said. "I do have to wonder, though, what the Nishizumi School thinks of those who lose to them."

"I don't look down on my opponents or take things personally, but I'm determined not to lose to those I go up against," Ami said. "They have their own reasons to win, but it's our responsibility to prevail no matter who the opponent is."

Takako nodded.

"Not everyone is willing or able to do things the way we do," Takako said, "although I believe that all tankers should do as much as they can to try to reach our level, and fight as hard as they can even when outclassed. As the saying goes, shoot for the moon and you will land among the stars."

"I understand what you all are saying now," Harue said. "But back then, the idea that there are some limits to how much I could improve, some opponents I can't defeat was quite frustrating, so it was harder to view my defeat dispassionately."

10 years ago

As Harue sat in her disabled flag tank, she looked around. Some of her comrades were still in the fight, and they had been giving it their all. But the moment the flag tank stopped, all combat ceased, and it was as though all the tanks on the losing side had been struck and disabled in one fell swoop. Harue had, as commander of the team and commander of its flag tank, been entrusted with the team's hopes, and her failure to pull through had cost the team its victory. She started questioning her decisions, beginning with wondering whether she had too hastily fired on the flag tank, thereby preventing the gunner from aiming well enough, and ending with wondering if she was fit to be a commander at all.

As much as Harue tried to remind herself that it was supposed to be fun, she found herself coming to entirely different conclusions. This was a tournament, not a mere exhibition match, and the members had to give their all for the sake of their school. Saunders had lost its chance at glory, and several members of the team, herself included, had lost their last chance at competing in the high school tankery tournament.

At that moment, Harue realized that there were reasons why Black Forest went as far and tried as hard as they did. Their school had triumphed over hers, as well as all others that had challenged it. But there was also an element of responsibility to one's team. Harue had believed that she had made every effort toward victory, but was this the case?

Had Harue failed her team? Were there things she could have done for them but did not?

A part of Harue wondered if she was merely trying to believe that victory was possible for her, and to see hope in what was a hopeless situation. But the idea that she and her school had been doomed to lose was no more comforting to her.

Nozomi glanced at her friend with a look of concern, and Harue realized that she still had her responsibilities to the team, even in defeat. For the sake of the team, she had to put on a good face, and see them through. There would be time for her to regret what had happened later.

Harue and Ami exchanged bows after the battle.

"That was fun," Ami said. "You and your school put up a good fight, Akado-san."

Harue nodded, even if she had difficulty accepting what Ami was saying. It would take her over a decade before she realized that Ami had not always enjoyed tankery, so her remark that it was fun almost seemed a mockery of what Harue valued. And without knowing how much Ami had struggled over the years, the idea of her complimenting a worthy effort by her foe seemed to be superficial at best.

So what had Harue accomplished by a second-place finish, that the other opponents Black Forest had defeated this year had not? She found it difficult to say.

Harue politely shook Ami's hand, thanked her and walked off, because it seemed like the polite thing to do, and without any idea what she would do afterward.

Present day

"I was in a somewhat dark place after the loss," Harue said, "so it was all but impossible for me to positively interpret what happened. The more I thought about it, the worse it got, and tankery seemed to do little but remind me of what happened."

"To be honest, Akado-sensei, while it's important to keep sight of what matters most, your response is understandable," Masae said. "People tend to, when faced with great responsibilities, lose sight of everything else, focusing on their immediate goals while forgetting why they want to accomplish them."

One part of Masae's classes for her students, one that was largely absent from the Nishizumi School, was a set of lessons on ethics and sportsmanship. Masae realized that the lessons had to be relatively simple for children, but as she designed the curriculum for the classes for older students, she realized she could incorporate more nuanced and involved discussions.

Going off this concept, she realized that while it was easy to look at this dispassionately for her, as a 40-year-old woman looking back on someone else's experience, the then 18-year-old Harue had no such perspective.

"That' s true," Harue said. "My original goal was to get involved in tankery for fun, but over time, as I started doing it more seriously, I lost sight of that. I wasn't able to win or enjoy the match, so I wondered what point there was to doing tankery."

10 years ago

A week after the tournament, Harue oversaw a practice match, with her commanding one side, and Laura, her successor as commander commanding the other. Some on the team had murmured that it was a case of locking the barn door after the horse was out, but most saw it as the simple act of training, and hoped to get better for next time.

As the battle went on, Harue sat in her tank, looking around and noticing the various things that needed improvement. One crew was still a bit slow in making turns- perhaps that was why the Jagdtiger had gotten that lucky shot on them. Another crew, which was against Harue in this practice match, was having difficulty with shooting at a distance. As their shot fell short of Harue's tank, Harue wondered if that was how close they were to the flag tank in the match. A third team's reloading time was fairly slow, and a fourth team had difficulty stopping to fire at enemies. The list went on and on, and Harue recounted it all in great deal to Nozomi.

"...so I can see a lot of areas in which we need improvement," Harue said, stopping as she realized she was talking at, rather than to, Nozomi.

"Harue, are you alright?" Nozomi said. "You don't seem to be enjoying practice matches as much these days."

"Are they for fun, Nozomi?" Harue said. "They're for the purposes of improving us as a team. But everywhere I look, I can see things that need improvement, and I take little joy in them anymore."

A part of her wondered what the point of it was, since she and the others were graduating. What would happen to the team next year? Would they try again, only to be crushed by disappointment?

"Maybe so," Nozomi said. "But we can really only do so much, and there is a limit to how much we can improve."

Harue let off a sigh, as Nozomi said what Harue had on her mind- it was possible that winning against Black Forest was not feasibly possible for their team.

Harue had to wonder- would she feel this way if she had another chance to win? It was no longer up to her to decide, since she had lost her last chance. Thinking about this, she recalled Michelle feeling disheartened after their loss in the last tournament, and wondered- had Michelle been putting up a facade, trying to avoid upsetting her kouhais? That was what Harue felt like she was doing for her juniors. But it seemed like a poor contribution to the team if that was all she could do.

After practice ended, Harue approached the coach, Tezuka Taeko, who had been born in America to a Japanese man and an American woman.

"I'm glad you're here, Harue," Taeko said. "Some of the fellow members of the team mentioned they were worried about you. Is it about the semifinals?"

"Yes, Sensei," Harue said. "I'm...feeling guilty over losing."

"You shouldn't be," Taeko said. "This is the first time we've ever reached the finals, and the first time our school has defeated St. Gloriana."

Harue smiled as she recalled the victory, which was proof that they, a relative newcomer, could defeat a well-established team. But while that was by no means easy, victory seemed out of reach against Black Forest.

"But, Black Forest was on an entirely different level from any of my previous enemies," Harue said, "and from what I heard, they train on an entirely different level. Are we really nothing more than rank amateurs to them?"

Harue's question gave Taeko pause. If the team was composed of rank amateurs, it was essentially because Harue and Taeko made it that way.

"I honestly hadn't expected to hear this sentiment from you, Harue," Taeko said. "When you came here, you were simply excited to do tankery, and not worried about ideology, or winning or losing."

"I did," Harue said. "But as commander, I feel I have a responsibility to the team, which requires me to take this seriously and do my best. I failed to lead the team to victory, and am no good to them as I am now. As such... I need to give you this."

Harue handed Taeko an envelope that contained a letter of resignation Harue had written up. Taeko took about a minute to read over the letter, and solemnly nodded.

"Very well, then," Taeko said. "I thank you for your service as commander, Harue, and want you to know that I hope that someday, you will continue."

Harue bowed, and then left, not completely convinced. Even after the end of her service, she still had many things to do, so had little time to dwell on her loss.

But a part of her had to wonder- was this all tankery would mean to her? Did she really want things to end like this? These questions did not come up frequently enough to inspire her to return, but they caused her to be discontent with her retirement, as if she were laying in bed in the early morning, no longer asleep but not fully awake.

Harue, thinking over her options, wondered if she would ever find a decision about tankery that she would be happy with.

Present day

"I didn't fully understand it at the time, but I wasn't the only one who had gotten so far, only to lose to Black Forest," Harue said. "In the years since my defeat, eight other challengers reached the finals and failed to defeat Black Forest, as well as all the others who failed in the preceding rounds."

"That's true," Masae said. "I, too, was defeated by Black Forest, when it was under the command of Instructor Nishizumi. But that defeat served as the final proof that there were things more important than victory, albeit because I know what it felt like to win the tournament, and had become accustomed to winning easily."

"That's good to hear," Harue said. "My defeat only seemed to prove that my efforts seemed insignificant to people like those in the Nishizumi School."

"Hiroe expressed a similar sentiment once, after losing to Maho's team four years ago," Masae said. "But then she rededicated herself, for the express purpose of defeating those people to disprove their methods."

The Nishizumi School students glanced at each other and nodded. They knew that many hoped to defeat the Nishizumi style, whether because they saw it as immoral, or because they hoped to unseat them. They could not fault them for their desires, even if they were unwilling to allow them to succeed.

"That's some amazing confidence that your daughter has," Harue said.

Masae smiled appreciatively.

"At times, it goes to her head," Masae said, "but it also means she's determined to never give up, and doesn't let her failures get to her. She was unhappy with the circumstances of her victory over Black Forest last year, but I believe she and her team had it in them to defeat Black Forest. Perhaps my younger daughter, Kinue, will succeed next year."

"As for me, I knew that the coach was right," Harue said. "But on an emotional level, I couldn't quite get it out of my head. With college applications just around the corner, I couldn't afford to have any undue emotional distress, so I put it in the back of my mind, and as such, didn't move far past the original conclusion that I had reached."

Masae nodded. She knew that it was impossible to teach a lesson if those shes was trying to teach were not in the right frame of mind to hear it.

"I did miss the point of all this, though," Harue said. "Although some of our fans were disappointed that we lost, others were pleased that we got this far. And while Nozomi and I had exhausted our chances, others were willing to try again. Saunders was doing well without us, but what about the two of us? What could we do now?"

Author's Notes

There will be one more chapter for each POV character in Act II, showing where they ended up.

I may close the "favorite commander" poll soon. I'm slightly disappointed with the lack of votes, and to a lesser extent, the lack of people voting for obscure or otherwise odd choices; I was slightly curious as to whether any of the really obscure characters like Komaki, Kurumi or Kazue had fandoms.

Some may wonder why Harue seems slightly whiny about this. What follows is Harue's Character Analysis, to demonstrate why the failure to defeat Black Forest was so hard on her.

Character Analysis: Harue Akado

If there's one thing that's a constant for Harue, it's the conflict between seeing tankery as fun and doing it to win. Doing it for fun comes most naturally to Harue, who has been fascinated since a young age, seeing it as highly interesting and fun. But when she first met Mashiro at Black Forest, Harue was introduced to the idea that she would have to do tankery well in order to be allowed to do it at all. As such, Harue began to realize that tankery was not just a game, but also an endeavor in which she was obligated to do as well as possiblem.

But while she was turned off by Black Forest's ruthless drive for victory, and by Mashiro discouraging anyone who didn't have similar experience or resolve, Harue knows that there are reasons to try as hard as she can to win. It's a part of good sportsmanship; the obligation individual players have to their team. By taking it seriously, it's also more fun. And because Saunders is an underdog, Harue hoped it could prevail over the established champions.

As such, Harue had a great deal invested in her efforts, and all the more to lose once she was ultimately defeated. Her greatest mistake was not thinking of her defeat constructively- and, in fact, not thinking of it at all, for the most part, but choosing to dwell on her failure until even doing tankery became too painful for her. Over time, through the help of her friend Nozomi's support, through Arata being her fan even after she lost, and of many others, Harue began to repair her self-esteem.

After a years-long hiatus, she learns of how tankery can be fun by seeing kids pretending to do tankery, and yearning to get involved like she once did. And as coach, she hopes to teach her students to become good tankers, while ensuring that they never lose sight of their goals or how fun tankery can be like she did.