She was doing this alone and it was finally hitting her, while she sat in that waiting room staring at all the happy couples. They all seemed so in love and ready to welcome their additions to the world and she felt like she wanted to tear her own heart out so the pain would stop and she had never felt so unsure about the new life she was bringing into the world.

"Olivia Benson." The sound of her name being called from the door that led to a place she had no desire to be, broke her from her intent study of all the other men and women.

The nurse weighed her, before moving her into one of the small exam rooms. There she took her blood pressure and updated her charts before reciting the usual the-doctor-will-be-with-you-shortly bit as she exited the room.

Olivia's eyes darted around the room as she remembered the first time she had been sitting in one of these very rooms.

Brian had gotten off work early, somehow. With Tucker they were never sure what he would be allowed to do, but the IAB headmaster had been kind enough to let Brian go in time for their child's first appointment.

It was the first time they were seeing the OB and they were both still nervous about everything. It had only been a week since Liv had read the plus sign off the plastic stick; they hadn't talked about it much and she wasn't sure where they stood. But they knew it was all unavoidable.

The doctor had sensed the nerves in the room as soon as she entered, seeing both parents avoiding eye contact with each other and both fidgeting in some way or another.

"I'm Dr. Dawson." The woman, who was in her mid-40's, shook the parents' hands.

After what seemed like a million questions and hearing about all the concerns that came with a high risk pregnancy, the category Liv fell in, the doctor finally got to the more interesting part of the appointment.

"So, because you're still so early in your pregnancy, we have to do a transvaginal ultrasound. It might be a little uncomfortable, but it'll give us the best picture of the baby and hopefully we'll hear the heartbeat."

And hear the heartbeat they did. The swooshing sound filled the silent room as Dr. Dawson performed the ultrasound. Neither Brian nor Olivia knew what the noise was at first until, but when it finally hit them, it hit them hard.

Olivia's gasp was loud and emotion filled. And Brian couldn't help but smile at his girlfriend. That was their baby.

And in that moment, they both knew they accepted the idea of being parents and they were ready for it.

But now here sat Liv, alone and scared, not sure if she was ever going to feel ready again to be a mom. It had been worrisome enough when she knew she had Brian as a support system and now there was no support, not even from herself.

And the feeling of despair and uncertainty only became worse when she saw the blurry black and white image of her son or daughter appear on the screen while Dr. Dawson did her ultrasound.

The older woman had made note right away of Olivia being alone for her appointment, but she hadn't said anything and continued on. Everything had appeared to be fine with the baby, even after the scare they had only a couple of weeks before. And the ultrasound picture showed the perfectly healthy baby. But there was something else she had to bring up at this particular appointment.

"I don't know what you want to do." Dr. Dawson prefaced. "But if you want we can find out the gender today."

Olivia opened her mouth to answer, but soon closed it. She had been adamant about knowing the sex of the baby from the beginning of her pregnancy; however, Brian had wanted to keep it a surprise. And now while she thought of an answer to her doctor's question, she could only think of Brian telling her that "there are so few surprises left in life, why not take advantage of this one?" The line played over and over in her head and that was her answer.

"No thank you."

"Okay, you can always change your mind if you want to." Dr. Dawson gave her a small smile.

There wasn't much said after that. Olivia's thoughts were back to Brian and she couldn't focus on anything that Dr. Dawson was telling her. She just wanted to get out of the office.

But when she got back to the precinct twenty minutes after her appointment had ended, she didn't want to be there either. Liv knew that Amanda, Fin, and Nick were watching her like hawks. She couldn't make a movement without one of them asking if she was okay or if they could do anything to help.

And her entrance into the squad room that afternoon was no different.

Though, this time instead of it being Nick following her right into her office, it was Amanda and Fin, together that came in after her.

Olivia stepped behind her desk and lifted her head to make eye contact with both of them, as they awkwardly stood in front of her. "Do you guys really feel the need to babysit me all the time?"

"Sorry." Fin said. "We just wanted to make sure everything was okay after your appointment today."

"Everything is fine." Olivia cut the conversation short. She knew that they all meant well, but the last thing she needed was to be watched like a child. There was nothing anyone could do; she just needed time to handle it as she felt necessary. It was worse for her to have everyone watching her, it was like after Lewis. All anyone could do was wait for her to go off the deep-end, although, that's the last thing Olivia would have done, but she still felt like no was trusting of her ability to handle a tragic situation. Her whole life had been a tragic situation, at this point she was an expert at bouncing back and this time, with her child involved, she had no choice but to get back to normalcy.

"Just making sure." Fin told her and headed for the door, leaving the office, knowing that he was not welcomed.

But Amanda didn't follow him. She should have, she knew that, but she just felt like she had to tell Liv something.

Olivia had turned her eyes towards the messages that sat on her desk, but she looked up again when she noticed that Amanda hadn't moved from her spot in front of the desk. "Did you need something else Amanda?"

Amanda looked her in the eyes before she spoke. "You know, I keep telling the guys they need to leave you alone. You're going to get through this just fine."

Olivia cocked her head to the side slightly, taken aback by Amanda's words. "What makes you say that?"

"You get through everything, Liv." Amanda told her. She knew that it seemed rather presumptuous telling her boss that she would be fine because nothing ever got her down, but she knew it was the truth and the last thing Olivia needed to hear again was some sympathy filled apology. What she needed was for someone to stop pitying her, just as Amanda was doing.

Liv almost chuckled at the younger detective's statement. "I just don't know if that's true this time."

Both women knew that they were treading lightly around one and other. Olivia knew Amanda wanted to help, but she didn't really want to hear someone else tell her it would be fine. And Amanda knew that Olivia still wasn't sure about her or some of her previous actions.

"Look you've been through more shit than anybody goes through in a lifetime and somehow you're still sitting in this office, ready to help victims. And I know this was probably the last straw for you and I also know you don't deserve it. But you're going to be fine." Amanda said.

Amanda headed towards the door, but made a quick turn-around to say one last thing. "And Liv, really, if you need anything, just ask."

"When you can change what happened, when you can make it so that sick bastard died and the father of my child was able to come out of the hospital alive, when you can give my baby the chance to meet their father, I'll ask for help." Liv's voice broke as she spit the last words out.

"If I could… I would, sergeant." Amanda said before leaving.