The light in her eyes was dimmed. The attack she always had against every perpetrator was as weak as ever. The love for her job was obviously not as strong as it had been for years. She just wasn't the Olivia they all knew. And now they were worried about whether or not they were going to get her back.
Nick, Fin, and Amanda had watched as another six weeks of dealing with the wrongful verdict, waiting for the results of another trial, and working on their own trial affected Liv more and more. She was cold and removed; she was spending all of her time in her office, working at least twelve hours a day, in hopes of avoiding having to go home to an empty apartment that only reminded her of everything that had gone wrong. It was obvious to the squad that she wasn't getting much, if any, sleep and they hadn't seen her take any more than three bites of food in at least a week.
But they felt powerless. The squad knew they couldn't change the verdict, they couldn't force Olivia to go home after an eight hour day because she was their boss, not the other way around, and they couldn't force feed her. They simply had to hope that something would go right or something would resonate with Liv and she would take a turn for the better.
"Guys, I'm tired of looking at all of this." Amanda spoke up as the she, Fin, and Nick were staring at cold cases looking for connections to their most recent case. "I'm going for something to eat."
"Hey, pick me up a sandwich, please." Fin said as Amanda put her coat on and grabbed her car keys.
"Would you mind picking one up for me, too?" Nick asked.
"Copy that." Amanda responded as she headed the opposite way of the exit and instead towards her sergeants office.
"You're really going to try that, again?" Fin asked his partner. He knew they had all tried and failed multiple times to get their commanding officer out of the precinct and take care of not only herself, but also the child she was carrying.
Amanda sighed, knowing Fin was probably right. "I'm just hoping that maybe one day she'll change her mind. She needs to get out of this place."
"That's your choice. But don't expect anything." Nick warned her; being the one that tried to help Liv the most, he was well aware of how she reacted to the harassment of her detectives.
Even though she knew it was more than likely pointless, Amanda still turned the knob and pushed open the office door. And she saw exactly what she had expected: Olivia slumped over her desk, laptop open, and her eyes scanning a case file or some kind of paperwork.
Liv looked up at her with tired eyes. "Do you need something, Amanda?"
"Umm…" Amanda took a second to question whether or not she actually wanted to ask her sergeant, but she was already standing in the office, she couldn't stop now. "I'm going to get some lunch before we have to meet Barba, I just wanted to see if there was anything I could get for you?"
Olivia took a moment to answer. She had just been thinking to herself that she needed to get something to eat. At her doctor's appointment a couple of days earlier, Dr. Dawson had been concerned with Liv's lack of weight gain and her blood sugar levels were low, something the OB/GYN had been worried about. It had hit Olivia then that she really needed to be more careful about what she was doing. Usually it was only herself she had to worry about, but this time she had to worry about the baby.
"Would you mind if I come with you?" The sergeant finally answered.
Amanda was taken aback by the response. The last thing she had expected was her commanding officer even wanting to eat, let alone leave her office ad join her.
"Of course." Amanda answered.
The two women exited the office minutes later. They had their coats on, Liv with her purse and Amanda with her car keys, and all the while Fin and Nick stared, shocked by what they saw. However, neither women paid any attention and soon they were out of the squad room, exiting the building down the elevator.
The moment they both closed their cars doors and buckled their seat belts, they could feel the silence already eating at them. There had been so few words exchanged with anyone and Olivia recently, so Amanda wasn't sure if she should say anything or avoid conversation.
But Rollins hated the silence, so she spoke up as she came to the first red light. "I was just going to head to the deli on the corner of twelfth near Barba's office, is that okay?"
"Yeah that's fine." Liv answered, but kept her gaze forward, not looking at the young detective.
A couple of minutes passed before Amanda tried to strike up some more conversation. "So, I never asked. Did you find out what you're having?" The blonde figured that if she could get Liv to talk about anything, the baby was probably her best bet.
"No." Olivia said at first.
"Oh." Was all Amanda replied.
"I wanted to find out, by Brian didn't want to know, so I decided that I wouldn't." Liv finished.
"Well maybe the surprise will be nice." Amanda suggested.
Olivia let out a soft chuckle. "You sound like Brian; he swore that the surprise would be worth it." It felt weird for her to speak about him, but it was the first time that saying his name didn't make her upset.
"I just figure there aren't many surprises in adulthood, might as well take advantage." Amanda continued. "It's something to look forward to."
"Yeah. I guess I'm excited to find out." Olivia looked down at her hand resting on her baby bump, which was now quite large, and she thought about how close she was to holding the tiny human inside.
"That's good. I'm glad you have something to be happy about." Amanda pulled into a parking spot and looked over at Liv. "And God knows you deserve a little happiness."
Liv looked at the younger woman and gave her a small nod in agreement.
There wasn't a lot said after that between the two women. They picked up their food and left for their meeting with Barba, keeping to themselves for the remainder of their time alone together.
When they walked into the ADA's office, Nick and Fin were already sitting with Barba, discussing something unrelated to the case. Amanda dropped the bag with their food in it on the table and pulled out her own lunch and her sergeant's lunch, before sitting down and allowing the other two detectives and the attorney to get their food.
After a few minutes of eating, Barba spoke up. "So let's get started. Olivia, I want to go over your statement first."
With the trial quickly approaching, the team had met with Barba the day before and would be meeting with him for the next few days until they were sitting in the courtroom.
"Do we have to go over it again?" Liv asked, making everyone to turn to look at her.
"I know it's hard, but the trial is starting next week. We have to make sure that we know exactly what is going to be discussed and that you all know what you said in your statements." Barba said.
"There's no way I'm going to forget what happened that night." Olivia huffed. "I'm just tired of reliving all of these horrible times over and over again."
Other than when she answered Barba's trial questions, the team and Barba himself hadn't heard Liv say anything more than a few words. They didn't realize that Liv was so upset by the meetings with the ADA. They all figured that since it was just her own detectives and an attorney she had been working with for a while she was comfortable and okay running through the events over again.
Barba let out a deep breath. "I know this is hard for you…"
But he was cut off by Olivia before he could finish. "You have no idea. All of this is torture and what are we even doing it for? We all know that this guy is going to screw us all and walk."
This time Nick jumped in. "Liv, we can't give up now. We are all going to do our best to make sure that asshole rots in jail."
"We said that with Lewis too. I just don't know if I believe it anymore." The brunette, usually a power house and force to be reckoned with, seemed small and broken as she sat in front of them finally confessing to one of the many things that were weighing so heavily on her.
"Olivia do you trust me?" Barba asked her seriously.
Olivia paused for a second before answering him. "Of course I do."
"Then you need to trust me now. I know this is horrible and I know that we shouldn't have to do this again, but we are and we can't change that. I just need you to believe that we will finish this and that this man will be done for. We have to be on the same page here."
Rafael Barba was not a man of emotions or of many words when it wasn't necessary, but as he watched Olivia loose her faith in front of his eyes, he knew that he needed both of those things to get across to her.
"Look I know all of you are doing your best, but what if it just isn't good enough?" Liv asked seriously.
"Then we tried our hardest and we will all be here for you." Barba told her honestly. "But that's not going to happen and it won't be ending that way."
Olivia nodded in appreciation and to end the conversation. She knew that all of her team was doing everything they could for her at that moment, but she just wasn't sure if she could convince herself to walk into that courtroom next week with the assurance that all of it would finally be over.
* Just so you know, Olivia is about 32 weeks pregnant now, so we're getting pretty close to a baby and next will be the trial. Thanks for reading. Review please! *