disclaimer; i don't own agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.
An; I figured i would get this out before i saw the next episode. Ensia
Her Fault
Jemma brought some fresh blankets into Skye's room. It wasn't as messy as Fitz made it sound, but it was cluttered. It was undoubtedly and irrefutably Skye. Simmons set the blankets on the younger girl's bed and took a deep breath. Jemma was tired. It had been a feeling that had crept into her for a while now. If she had to say when the feeling started she would say that it started the day everything went to hell. But she knew that would be a lie. It started in the med pod. Thankfully, it coincided with the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D. so well that Jemma Simmons need not worry about anyone really seeing through her rouse. There was at one time a handful of people that might have seen it, but now, one hated her, the other had a ton of other things on her mind than Jemma's mental state and she wasn't going to burden her friend further with it, and the last… Simmons tried to swallow the sob that crept up her throat. She failed. She took a seat on the edge of Skye's bed to try and pull herself together. She couldn't afford to lose herself now, she didn't have that kind of time. There was simply too much to do, so much that needed to be addressed.
"I just hope that if something happens to me, I got you in my court too."
But she wasn't, and now he was in pieces and her heart wasn't much better. She had just let him go. He was a good friend, a good man, and she just let him run to his death. Logically, she knew that there was nothing she could have done to save him, but the only thought that really made its way into her weary consciousness was that she should have found an actual piece of wood to knock on. Tears pooled in her eyes and she tried to keep them from falling. But much like everything else lately, she was powerless to stop them. They were trying to convey the emotions that Jemma for all of her scholastic prowess, could never put into words. They spoke of crippling sorrow, unbearable guilt, unspeakable fear, destructive anger, and devastating hate. There was a time when the very concept of hate was something so foreign and distant to Jemma Simmons. And Jemma was torn between laughing at her younger self's naiveté and wishing for that girl back. It seemed so long ago that she could see the good in the world. But there was no wishing for those days back, too much had happened. Now her hate was the only thing that kept her going. She hated Hydra and all of their lackeys, she hated the world and all it had turned to, and though she would never admit it, a part of her hated S.H.I.E.L.D. and Coulson too. And herself. After everything the thing that Jemma Simmons hated more than anything else was Jemma Simmons.
She despised what she had become, and she had no one to blame but herself. Somewhere down the line, she had lost that something that made her who she was. Now she was a liar, a wanted fugitive, for heaven's sake she fired an actual gun at a living person, evil, vicious, and dangerous, but still living, and now she was calling for the eradication of anyone with powers. And Jemma hated that she didn't disagree. She hated that this thought had even crossed her mind, let alone sounded appealing to her. A part of her was all for it and the other part, a piece of the Jemma Simmons from too long ago, shouted for her to come to her senses. Unfortunately, hate was stronger and Jemma had realized recently that it always was.
And Skye. Oh God, Skye. Jemma thanked whatever deity was out there that there were no lasting effects on her friend. She actually didn't know what she would have done if there had been. After everything Raina had done, Jemma could petition for Raina's death with little guilt, none really. But she could have done the same to Skye? Skye, the girl who she had nothing in common with yet had snuck into her life and her heart and made it impossible for Jemma to imagine a life without her. Jemma wanted with everything that was still good in her to say that she would never hurt her friend. But there was so little good left, and the fear, guilt, and hate spoke the truth. She might have. And Jemma was left with one more reason to hate herself.
She didn't believe she had it in her to hurt Skye, but deep down, Jemma knew that she already had. That girl had already suffered enough in her short life. And in the instant that she was offered a way out; consequences be damned, regardless of whatever may come or what her friend would have wanted, Jemma had injected her with an unknown and potentially dangerous chemical. All because Jemma couldn't lose her. And she was losing Skye anyway, what harm could it have done? So much. Did she regret what she did? Where their times where Jemma felt she had made the wrong call? Not always, but it was day to day. Every time she saw the younger girl laughing and smiling and plotting another hack, growing into a more complete version of herself, Jemma didn't doubt that she had done what was right. But of course the universe didn't seem to think it fit to give Skye a break. Simmons had seen her friend in pain and sometimes so close to the edge she had to wonder if Skye didn't wish Jemma had made a different call. After all, every moment that Skye had to suffer since that day was because of Jemma's choice. Her choice, her fault. Ward, Hydra, Skye's father, the alien mist, and so much more. And Jemma had to wonder how she could have been so cruel to let it happen all because she couldn't let her friend go.
Then again, it wasn't like the alternative had proved to be a better course of action. After all, she had let Trip go and now everyone was tense, sad, and angry. That was her fault. She had taken the breath that should've been Fitz's and he would never been the same. And now he hated her. She knew this and it stung deeply but she also knew she deserved it. Even before the med pod, she was the one who insisted they go out into the field outside the safety of the lab. She wanted to see the world. She was selfish and Fitz had to suffer for it every day for the rest of his life. That was her fault. She didn't know what she could do about it. Everything she ever did only made him worse, and every day she had to live with the fact that she had lost her best friend. And every day she lost a little more hope that they could work out whatever was wrong between them. She saw him with Mack and she couldn't be more grateful for the older man, but it still tore her apart that after everything they had been through together, she was so easy to replace in his eyes.
In the whole wide world of darkness only one thing was clear to Simmons. There was no way to make it right by sitting in Skye's room crying about it. So she, called back her tears, there would be time for that later. Simmons stood up and walked out into the corridor. She had to find a way to make this right. There was no other choice. Yes, she was tired, but in reality Simmons doubted she would be the only one who didn't sleep that night.