A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, follows and favorite, they are really cherished and appreciated!
A/N2: There is a whole new perspective on John Winchester in this chapter. It is my version of what I think happened, it doesn't contradict canon but it's also not the most popular theory, I guess. I hope it doesn't put any of you guys off.
Chapter VI:
Sam was woken up by a blinding light. It didn't burn or sting but, after a life of hard conditioning, he was scared to open his eyes. He attempted to grab the gun he always had under his pillow but someone's hand was holding his.
"Sam, are you awake?" Dean's squeezed his hand while he spoke. "It's ok, everything is ok."
He realized much of his pain and exhaustion were gone and trusting his brother, he opened his eyes. On top of him, Cas was glowing golden. Beads of sweat decorated the angel's crown and he was kneeling instead of standing, but he still managed to smile at him.
"Yeah, hi." He said already wanting to get up, but allowing for the angel to finish.
"Hey!" Dean smiled. There were a lot of things that annoyed him about his big brother, but he had to give it to him, nobody could do the 'I am so glad that you are Ok, Sammy.' smile better than him.
From the corner of his eyes something caught his attention. Allowing only his corneas to move, as to not distract the angel from his healing, he focused on his night table. His mother's, father's, and Dean's smile greeted him from a still of his past. He smiled back at them. A picture of Jessica, gorgeous as a Barbie doll, and looking adoringly at him a few inches to the right.
His eyes wandered around the room; more pictures, his trophies, mom's pendant, his Stanford diploma were all there to comfort him. To remind him his life was worth living, that there had been more than just nightmares, being the boy king, and killing, there had been love, there had been life. To tell him this place was permanent, like the books, like Dean.
His eyes turned to his brother. While he had been inspecting the room, Dean had removed his hold on his hand and taken a step back. His hands were in his pockets and he was sporting a nervous smile. His eyes couldn't decide between the floor and Sam's.
"Thanks." Was all he needed to say and Dean smile reached his eyes.
The golden light stopped. "I am done," Cas announced closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Dean bent his knees and grabbed the angel by the elbows helping him up.
He bit his lip, heart twisting with guilt as the angel stumbled up leaning heavily on his brother. "Thanks, Cas." He attempted to remove the first IV while he was sitting up but Cas' shaky hand reached out stopping him the second he touched the tape. He looked up. "What?"
"What are you doing?" The angel soft voice was weak and Sam heart cartwheeled one more time.
He frowned, wasn't it obvious? "Removing the IVs?"
Cas shook his head as Dean helped him to a chair. "No, you need to keep them."
"Why? I am feeling fine now."
Dean walked to the desk and grabbed a bottle of Orange Juice he had probably brought when he was asleep. He poured it into two glasses and handed one to Castiel how took it gratefully. As far as he knew angels did not eat nor drink but maybe after his impromptu medical career he decided his human body could use a boost. His face sure looked whiter than a marshmallow and green around the edges. "Thats good," Castiel said taking a sip. "but, both types of healing should be working simultaneously. First, human grace is leaking away from you a lot slower rate than angelic grace, so everything we can do to get more human grace on you, will have more lasting effects. Second, if something is being healed by medicine, I don't need to focus my powers on that and I can use that energy to heal something else."
Dean handed him the second glass of orange juice but Sam was looking down at the red tube communicating with his elbow. "You are serious?"
Cas nodded, chugging his O.J.
His brother pushed the glass forward and raised his eyebrows in command. He drank the liquid being offered and could have matched Flynn Rider's secret weapon eyes as he pleaded with him.
Dean shrugged. "Hey don't look at me like that. I have nothing to do with this, just talk to Dr. Sexy MD over there."
Cas frowned confused but ignored the comment. "Sam, don't be unreasonable. You'll be done with the blood transfusion in ten minutes at the most, and we'll remove that line. The other IV only has saline, I am waiting a minute to make sure your system is free of any other drugs and then we'll give you a medicine that will help your lungs and heart heal but has some counter effects if mixed with other drugs. It will most likely make you quite dizzy and nauseous so I figured it was better to give it to you when you were feeling better."
Sam smirked. "Thank you, Cas. It's so kind of you to wait until I feel ok to make me feel sick." He said sarcastically.
Cas gave him a compassionate smile but still removed a small bag of medicine from his pocket, extending it to Dean. Bastard! "Dean, can you please?"
Dean reached for the medicine and nodded.
"Dean, please."
Dean shrugged again, raising his eyebrows and inspecting the bag to make sure it didn't have any leaks. "Hey, Sam, I don't want you to feel sick either and I know I said I wanted you to die of something normal like a heart attack." He placed the bag on the empty space in the pole and clamped the current line. "but I remember mentioning that you should also grow old and be chugging viagra. As far as I know," He pulled, removing the spike from the old bag. "Little Sammy can salute without help, so I am for anything that can keep the ticker kicking." He stopped for a second and looked at him, eyes pleading.
"Jerk," he offered him a sideways grin.
Dean chuckle as he spiked the second bag, "Bitch."
Sam- Dean- Cas- Charlie- Sam- Dean- Cas- Charlie- Sam- Dean- Cas- Charlie-
Ten minutes later they were back in the dungeon where Charlie was waiting for them. True to Cas word, the blood he had brought was all inside him now, none left in the bag, and the second medicine was making him feel like he was going to throw up the stupid O.J out of his ears. He felt like he was in a boat in the middle of a hurricane as he leaned on the arch of the entryway for support, one hand on the wall, the other still holding the IV pole.
"Are you ok, Tiger?" Dean patted his shoulder.
God damn, Dean! His brother could watch a person for a day and a half and if you asked him which color their hair was, he wouldn't have a clue. Still, one hair was out of place in Sam's head and his brother would be all over it.
He sighed and forced himself to take a few steps. "Yeah, I am fine. The damn medicine is making me dizzy."
His bobbed his head, arching his eyebrows. "So you are not ok, you are dizzy." He had to give it to Dean that instead of running with his instinct of carrying him, he ran to the closest chair and placed it as closed to Sam as it made sense. Sam sat down resigned and let Dean bring the trash can beside him and fuzz around his line.
"So, this is your dungeon, then?" Charlie twirled with excitement. "Awesome!" Sam chuckled and Dean rolled his eyes. Cas just looked at her, probably trying to figure out this strange creature so different than anyone he had ever encounter.
"Everything ready?" Dean went straight to business.
"How are you feeling Charlie?" Sam cut him off when the menacing syringe with blue glow stared at him accusingly from the table.
"Yes, and fantastic, not a scratch my friend, didn't even feel it." She smiled and continued with a speed that would rival a bullet train. "At first it was hard to figure out what all the ingredients meant, but our in house celestial creature is fluent in Enochian and pretty resourceful I must say." Cas smiled and nodded in acknowledgement of the compliment. "So, we were able to prepare everything, all we need is to add the grace" She picked up the syringe beside her and pointed at the wet circle around her. "And light the circle and voila, a Gadreel a-la-holly-oil."
Dean nodded and Charlie poured the grace on the bowl she had ready and stepped out of the circle as fast as her limbs allowed her to while Dean snapped his zippo and threw it on the oil.
"What?" The angel asked from his fiery trap not a second later.
"Hello, Gadreel!" Dean glared pacing around the circle.
"What do you want?" The other man barked.
Dean fumed and Sam knew deep down -in some remote corner that somehow knew the angel- that violence was not the way to break their adversary. He took a step forward, IV trailing behind him. The nausea made him see green and he forced himself not to run to the closest container. He swallowed and placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. Dean jumped startled and turned his face towards him. Sam shook his head 'no'. They had enough silent conversations in their time that Dean knew he meant. 'I got this, your way is not going to work'. "We need your help." He told the angel.
"I am done helping you. You are not getting anything out me, you can kill me if you want, but you are still not going to get any help from me."
"Brother," Cas got closer to the oil. "You were once a good one, God had you in his deepest esteem. Sam is dying, grace is fading away from him, you must know that. We need your help to figure out why, how to stop it."
Gadreel raised his eyebrows in surprise, for a second he looked concerned, and then he scorned. He spoke to Sam but looked straight at Dean. "Why do you want to do that, Sam? When you spend so much time thinking about how much better everything would be if you die?"
Dean's whole body tensed. "What are talking about?"
"You don't believe me? Ask him," He turned to Sam with a sly smile, "I know all your hidden thoughts, Sammy. I know how you wake up every morning wishing you were dead."
Sam took a couple of steps back, cold sweat bathed his forehead as his stomach cartwheeled into his throat bringing bitter bile up with it.
Gadreel smile faded, he pursed his lips and slanted his eyebrows. "How the only reason you don't allow yourself to do anything about it's because you just can't stand the thought of putting your brother through even more pain."
Dean's betrayed face focused on him and he took one step backwards, searching for the chair with desperation. The room was spinning, things floating in the air like in a very trippy sci-fi movie, and he swallowed acrid bile under his brother scrutiny. Charlie walked towards Dean and tried to touch him, but he avoided her.
"Shut up!" Dean ordered but Gadreel continued.
"But you still wonder if he wouldn't be much better without you, don't you? After you disappointed him so many times."
"I said shut up!"
Charlie, who had remained near Dean, jumped started and took a few steps back. Castiel walked behind her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. Sam wondered if he was comforting her or keeping her away from the fight, probably both.
The world spun on its axis and cramps invaded his midsection. He covered his mouth knowing he was going to be sick. He tracked down the comfort of the chair he had abandon what felt like a decade ago and found it a couple of steps to his right. He stumbled towards it and his precarious balanced tipped it over. Dean ran beside him, picking up the chair and helping him into it. "You are ok, Sammy. Don't listen to him."
"Always needing Dean's protection." Gadreel kept on taunting. "But he knows, Dean, he knows he will disappoint you again, sooner or later, because you are a failure, Sam."
Dean sprinted back to the fire, almost crossing through as he pointed at the angel. "Cut the crap!"
Gadreel ignored him, focusing on Sam. "All you ever do is fail the one person that has always had your back, that has always taken care of you. So you keep on going, because you know dying would be just one more way to fail him."
Sam stomach kept doing summersaults, the walls and ceiling spinning out of control. Unable to contain it any longer he turned to the side and grabbed the trash-can Dean had left beside him as spasms took over his body and his guts came out of his mouth.
"Shut up! Stop it or I'll rip you in half! " He heard his brother screaming as everything he had eaten for the past twelve years seemed to make an encore appearance and pass through his throat. "Don't pretend you know about my brother and I, because you know nothing!"
"Really? You think you know your brother better than I do?" Gadreel continued, impassive to his brother's threats and undisturbed by his whimpers and coughing gags. "Well, do you want to know what your brother thinks about in his free time?"
"No," Sam begged between dry heaves. The chilling sweat on his forehead made him shiver, while at the same time, his throat was on fire.
Gadreel's sadistic smile scared him. "You know what I am going to tell him, don't you?"
Sam trembled as the coldness expanded to his stomach and pinched through his back. He winced as bile filled his mouth but the room had stopped being inside a washing machine and he felt he had some control over the convulsions. "Please! Don't do this, Dean was good to you."
"Your brother wants to kill me!" And Dean beside the holy fire, with his tense military stance, his clenched hands and sharp, menacing stare, did look the part. Gadreel got as close to the oldest Winchester as safety allowed him leaning his face towards Dean until they were almost inches away. The air got tense, fire that had nothing holy in it sparkling in the atmosphere. Sam's inside rebelled again and he groaned as more viscous stuff came out of his mouth. "Your brother constantly wonders if everybody's lives wouldn't have been better if he had never been born or at least died before his six month birthday." Dean turned his face toward his brother's. Sam closed his eyes willing the dizziness and panic away as Gadreel continued. "He even has pages and pages on research on time travels spells and magic that would allow him to travel back, to spare you all from his miserable existence. I am sure that as soon as he finds something reliable, you'll never remember having a brother."
Dean's whole body turned towards where his brother was, sighing as he ran his hands through his hair, he looked at Sam. His eyes were glistening as he silently begged for something. Sam couldn't give him anything. He swallowed hard, there it was, he knew he had managed to disappoint Dean one more time.
His brother stomped away from the angel and towards the first line of shelves in front of him. The muscles in his arms flexed as pulled all his frustrations out on the rack. He moved away with a second to spare as all the contents on the shelves splattered on the floor with a loud thump. He ran his fingers through his hair one more time and kept them there. "I need some air!"
Sam lurched upwards as his brother stormed out of the room. The IV tore through his skin as he propelled himself forward but he didn't care, he followed his brother out of the room. He needed to explain himself, he owed Dean that much. And Dean owed him enough to listen.
Sam-Dean-Sam-Dean-Sam-Dean-Sam-Dean-Sam-Dean-Sam-Dean-
"Dean, stop!" Sam held his brother's shoulder to stop him once he managed to catch up with him.
Dean turned around, his lips were tight, his face was stone, but his eyes were glassy. "Really, Sam?"
Now, he was at lost for words. He needed Dean to understand! His hands nervously searched his pocket as he hunched forward in shame, trying to make himself as small as he felt. "What do you want me to say Dean? Everybody's lives would be better! I am the freaking antichrist!"
His brother raised himself, overpowering him, his face an inch away from his as he snapped. "That's bullshit!"
Sam took a step back and swung his hands exasperated. "I started the fucking apocalypse!"
Dean clenched his hands. "No! How many times do we need to talk about this? You just killed the demon everybody was after, you didn't know."
Sam shrugged and gave a heart-rending laugh. "It doesn't matter, I started it… It wouldn't have happened if I never existed!"
"Really? Because as far as I know, every hunter we knew was after Lilith. If I had the chance, I wouldn't have waited a second to waste her! If you want to blame someone for the apocalypse, blame Ruby, blame ME! I am the one that started it by torturing souls in hell, I broke the first seal and how many demons broke all the others? You want to play the blame game? The who's the worst Winchester here? You killed a demon, I started torturing souls!"
Sam sighed tired and pinched the bridge of his nose as he shook his head. "You are right Dean, I am sorry I brought it up." He looked at his brother with the most honest gaze he could muster. He made sure to put all his love, all his compassion, all his admiration for his brother in his eyes. "It was not your fault, anyone in your situation would have done it. Nobody can blame you for that and I am really, really sorry I opened this can of worms. Let's just forget about it, ok?"
Dean focused on his brother, Sam saw a trace of guilt before Dean bowed his head and covered his face with his hand. His voice was soft. "So this is what happens? Every time you try to talk to me, me, being me, end up blaming it on myself and you feel bad and drop it so it doesn't hurt me?"
Sam tried his puppy-I-love-you-big-brother-eyes.
"No, Sam, that's not going to work right now."
Sam continued his life-long-practiced gazed and forced a composed and caring tone. "Dean, it's ok. I am ok. Let's go back to Gadreel."
"No, I'll listen. I promise Sam, I'll listen to you. I won't judge, I won't try to blame it on myself. I'll be a girly-girl like you are, I'll pull on your patented 'compassionate and caring Sam Winchester listening eyes' -God knows I've seen them enough in my life to be able to copy them- and listen to what you have to say." He finished with a smirk.
Sam chuckled.
"Sam, please, I want know. If it bothers you, I want to know."
Sam closed his eyes, an hill of fire ants attacked his heart. His voice was soft and small. "You feel you are poison? How do you think I feel? My mother and my girlfriend were burnt alive because of me. I ruined everybody's life, everybody I know, everybody I loved. Their lives were destroyed and most of them ended up dead because of me!"
Sam could almost hear Dean's heart falling to the floor. "That's not true, Sam. You can't think like that!"
Sam opened the dam. He didn't want to put this weight on his brother's shoulder but it was already there, all he could do now was try his best to explain. "Really? How many of the people we loved were killed by Demons just so I would say yes to Lucifer one day? Think how you felt when you found out you had been bred to be Michael's vessel… I was supposed to be the devil's, the incarnation of evil!"
Dean fidgeted trying to figure out the best way to approach him "Sam…"
Sam opened his mouth as he exhaled, trying to eat away his tears. "A few years back, I found a page Dad had ripped out of his diary. It was about the day he found out yellow eyed demon's plans for me. Dad knew I was supposed to be the vessel for Lucifer since I was two, that's why he raised us the way he did. So I would be strong enough to say no. He just brained washed you so you would be there to protect me and help me say no. And if I didn't, so you would be strong enough to kill me. He wanted you to feel responsible for me, so you would do everything in your power to stop me! Your live and Dad's were destroyed so I could get away from Lucifer. Everything I hated him so much for all my life, he did it so I could have a fighting chance! I thought he was obsessed with revenge. No, it stopped being about revenge when I was two, it was always about protecting me. Dad just couldn't tell anyone about it, he couldn't put that burden on us, he couldn't tell other hunters...they would probably kill me. So he carried that burden all our lives."
Dean growled, Sam knew he hated secrets. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"Dean, I know you think I should tell you everything, but that's not true! I was ashamed and there was no point in telling you. What would you have done with that information? Hate me?"
Dean outraged look said more than a thousand words. "No! Of course not! It's just… I just want to understand Dad, that's all."
"You have no idea how it feels. I have to look at you every morning knowing I ruined your life in every possible way. Even when you piss me off, when you treat me like a five year old without the ability to make his own decisions. All you do... all you ever did was do your damn best to take care of me, sacrifice everything for me."
Dean got closer, stretching his arm awkwardly. He dared a hand on his biceps. "Sam, please, the archangels, Lucifer and yellow eyes ruined my life. You? You gave me the few moments of happiness I ever had."
Sam looked away and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Maybe, but your life would have had a lot more happy moments if I wouldn't have been in it."
Dean punched the wall and looked at his brother through desperate eyes. "You don't know that!"
Sam rested his whole body against the wall and let himself deflate until he was sitting with his elbows on his knees and his hands on his temples. "Dean, there is no fucking way it could have been even remotely as crappy as it was. You been trained as soldier and forced to take care of your baby brother since you were four. You've seen more death before you were ten than most people see in a life-time!"
Dean knelt in front of him, trying to get him to listen, to understand. "Sammy, it's not your fault!"
"It doesn't matter, it's still on me. None of this bullshit would have happened if I hadn't been born! Mom, Dad, Jess, Brady, Bobby, Kevin, Pastor Jim, Ellen, Jo, everybody that died is on me!"
"What about all the lives you saved?"
Sam shook his head. "I try to tell myself that the lives that we sacrificed are not more valuable than the lives we saved and mathematically we are at a win. But they were, they are more important to me. Emotionally we are at such a bad loss!"
Dean sat beside him, copying his position and looking sideways at him. "Well, if it means anything... having all that shit happen versus never having you in my life? Emotionally, I am at a win right now. "
"You don't mean that."
"Sammy, not that all of that didn't hurt, that I wouldn't give both my arms to have one of those people alive, but how much did I fight to bring any of them back? And how much did I fight to bring YOU back? And it's not because it's my job Sam. There is nothing I would put before you, I said it once and I meant it, now and then, there is nothing, it has never been like that. Don't you give up on me Sammy, please."
Sam bit his lip. "I am still here, aren't I?"
Dean nodded and patted his brother's knee. "Even if it is just because of me, just fight Sammy. We'll figure the rest out later, together, ok?"
Sam nodded and sighed, ready to leave the chick flick behind. "I've been thinking, if Gadreel is using every one of my thoughts against us. I should be able to use his thoughts against him. Crowley said that I should be able to remember everything if I focus."
Dean gave a tragic chuckle. "We are listening to Crowley now, our lives keep getting better and better!"
Sam closed his eyes and focused, glad the ugly vomiting medicine was almost out of his system by now. "Give me a minute!" Dean tapped his shoe and tsked to the beat of some annoying music in his brain. Sam hit his leg. "Dude, seriously?"
Dean just rolled his eyes.
"Hey, what happened to your medicine?" Dean asked a minute later.
A/N: Reviews are loved :)